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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
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preventing divorce. This
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its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is one of a series of articles focusing on
co-parents keeping balanced enough - and enjoying doing all
ongoing family projects, within the dynamic
kaleidoscope of warp-speed daily life. Related checklists focus on assessing the personal balances of you and your partner as
individuals, and the balances in your relationship together,
and between your relatives' several homes.
The directions for these other checklists
apply here too. Some options for using the results from each and
all three of these Project 11 worksheeets are noted at the end of this page.
Symptoms of Nuclear-stepfamily
Balance
Here
"balance"
refers to stepfamily adults and kids consistently getting key emotional + mental +
spiritual + physical needs met, in ways that everyone involved feels good enough
about. Use these two checklists to raise your awareness of the level of recent wholistic
balances in your home, and between your two or three
(co-parenting) homes. These balances are usually proportional to the personal and
re/marital balances of your three or more co-parents.
These are representative questions, not all that could apply - so invent some others that
you feel are relevant to your unique situation. Ultimately your co-parents’
judgments about the levels of your personal, re/marital, and stepfamily balances are what
counts, not checking these boxes.
As I begin this checklist, I'm aware of ...
Recent
Balance In Our Home
Answer the following about
those adults and kids who reside full time or part time (like visiting kids) in your
primary home. If you feel unclear or ambivalent about an item, use "?",
"+" or "--". Unchecked boxes are opportunities to grow your balance, not
problems or flaws - do you agree?
__ 1) All our
residents and visitors usually enjoy being in our home.
__ 2) Each of our kids and adults usually feels
respected and cared about (i.e. included) enough by other
residents.
__ 3) Residents in our home usually feel safe
enough in asking each other for help.
__ 4) All our residents feel content that they
have enough privacy and personal space.
__ 5) There is usually a healthy
balance
of work, play, and rest in our home.
__ 6) Our residents usually have a sense of
teamwork about sharing household chores.
__ 7) No adult or child feels like an "invader"
("This is their house") or "invaded" by other residents or
visiting kids.
__ 8) People in our home generally feel
comfortable in
their feelings, needs,
preferences, and boundaries to other residents, including saying "No."
__ 9) Disputes among our
members are usually resolved promptly and amicably enough.
__ 10) All our adults and kids are _ clear
enough on, and _ comfortable enough with,
makes the major
decisions
in our home.
__ 11) We all _ usually enjoy
eating meals together, and
_ get well-balanced, adequate food.
__ 12) All our kids are comfortable being
children (vs. little adults) in our home.
__ 13) We’re all clear on our
(who does what), and are making progress on evolving a set of household
rules
(how and when) that all residents are usually comfortable with.
__ 14) The
child
discipline in our home is usually felt to be fair and effective enough by all
involved.
__ 15) All our residents usually
that no other full-time or part-time resident will ridicule, harm, steal from, or lie to
them.
__ 16) Our residents generally feel respected by
each other about noise, personal belongings, sharing appliances
(like phones and TVs), and personal hygiene.
__ 17) Residents usually call this "our
house," not "their / your house."
__ 18) Each of our residents enjoys asking
friends
into our home.
__ 19) There is at least one place in our home
where residents can be alone, or talk privately with each other without
distraction or interruption.
__ 20) Our residents usually feel safe
expressing irritation or
with each other, and do so
enough.
__ 21) The kids living in and visiting our home
are clearly "on track" (for their age) in
developing healthy personal and social
skills, confidences, identities, and independence.
__ 22) Each of our residents and visiting
kids feels they have enough personal space in our dwelling.
__ 23) Each of our full-time and part-time
residents feels physically, financially, socially, and spiritually safe
enough in our home.
__ 24) We’re developing a set of
enjoyable
together, including holiday and special celebrations,
vacations, outings, birthdays and anniversaries, and family times.
__ 25) We have an effective
and usually encourage each other to
our losses well.
__ 26) The leaders of our home
_ have
for us all, and
_ are implementing effective ways of achieving these goals _ in ways we all understand and can cooperate with.
__ 27) There’s often spontaneous
healthy (vs. shaming) kidding and laughter in our home.
__ 28) We’re clearly developing a
sense of "us-ness"
and
family pride, over time.
__ 29) Everyone in our home is comfortable
enough with what they are called (their names and family titles), and
what to call other members.
__ 30) Our residents and regular visitors
each usually feel
well enough
by each other.
__ 31) No-one in our home is
sexually
attracted to – or active with - an inappropriate partner.
__ 32) No-one in our home uses
physical violence – or the threat of that – to get their needs met.
__ 33) We regularly affirm and
praise
each other - genuinely - for thoughtful- nesses and achievements.
__ 34) Our adults and kids are allowed to
feel
sad, quiet, or depressed, if they need to.
__ 35) Each of our residents promptly gets the
medical,
dental, optical, and spiritual care that they need.
__ 36) No-one in our home has an unhealthy
on a
substance (including sugar, fat, carbohydrates, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine,
or "hard" or prescription drugs), another person, an activity
(like work, sex, or spending), or a "cause."
__ 37) All our residents are clear on, and
comfortable enough with, our
as a multi-home
stepfamily (vs. "We're just a family").
__ 38)
__ 39)
__ 40) People who know us all would say our
household is generally "well balanced." On an overall
spiritual-emotional-mental-physical "balance" scale of 1 to 10,
I’d say our home feels about _____ recently.
__ 41) I feel clear that most of these things
are true enough for our other co-parenting home/s, recently.
I _ took my time with this checklist, and
_ feel pleased, calm, and
satisfied as I finish it. _ There is nothing here that I’d feel uncomfortable sharing with my
partner or key others in our stepfamily.
Thoughts / Learnings …
Continue
with ranking the