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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is one of a
series of Web pages focusing on
co-parents keeping balanced enough - and enjoying doing
other concurrent safeguard projects, within the dynamic
kaleidoscope of warp-speed daily life. Related checklists focus on assessing the personal balances of you and your partner as
individ-uals, the balance in your relationship together, and
the balance in your home.
The directions for these other checklists
apply here too. Some options for using the results from each and
all three of these Project-11 worksheeets are noted at the end of this page.
Note
these relevant guidebooks for co-parents and supporters:
Build a High-Nurturance Stepfamily integrates key Web articles on
co-parent safeguard
.
Build a
Co-parenting Team after Divorce or Remarriage focuses entirely on
stepfamily co-parents patiently working as teammates to raise the balances
in and between their homes.
Based on
29 years'
research, these practical, modular reference books offer specific
suggestions on and resources for managing many common stepfamily-building
conflicts and problems.
Symptoms of
Nuclear-stepfamily
Balance
Here "balance"
refers to stepfamily adults and kids consistently getting key
emotional + mental +
spiritual + physical needs met, in ways that everyone involved feels good enough
about. Use these two checklists to raise your awareness of the level of recent wholistic
balances in your home, and between your two or three
(co-parenting) homes. These balances are usually proportional to the personal and
re/marital balances of your three or more co-parents.
These
are representative questions, not all that could apply - so add others you
feel are relevant to your unique situation. Ultimately your co-parents’
judgments about the levels of your personal, re/marital, and stepfamily balances are what
count, not checking items on these worksheets.
Recent Balance
Between Our Co-parenting Homes
Fill this checklist out
for all three or more stepparents and bioparents ("co-parents"), and minor or
grown kids living full-time or part time in your several related co-parenting homes.
Option: include the homes of any independent grown children. This evaluation is not about blaming
anyone – it's about affirming what’s currently good, and cooperatively
identifying what needs improving.
If you haven't recently, review the directions
for all four of these Project 11 checklists before you start. If you're unclear or
ambivalent about an item, use "?", or "+/-".
Unchecked boxes are chances to grow your balance, not problems or flaws! Add similar items you think of that would improve this checklist for you.
As I begin, I'm aware of …
1)
All our members would generally agree that communications between our related homes are generally
(a)
respectful enough, (b) frequent enough, and (c)
enough.
2) All
our
members clearly accept that we are all a normal multi-home
3) All our adults and kids are comfortable
enough with the names
and titles we call each other.
4) Each
of our co-parents'
homes is clearly being
one or two competent adults, vs. a needy or rebellious
child and/or a controlling or aggressive relative.
5)
No
one feels
invaded or
intruded upon by a member of another co-parenting home. We generally respect each
others’
6) Residents in each of our co-parenting
homes generally feel
enough by members in our other homes; or we’re clearly developing
such respect and trust together, over time.
7) There are now no active or prospective
legal
disputes between our homes about child support, custody, visitation, adoption,
divorce decrees, and/or
8) No-one in our related homes
excludes
themselves from
in our stepfamily.
9)
Disputes between members of our homes are usually
promptly, thoroughly, and respectfully.
10) Special family occasions
like births, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, graduations, baptisms, retirements are
(a) generally enjoyed by all of us, and (b) are sources of increasing stepfamily
vs. divisiveness and discord.
11) Each of our divorced adults and kids is
clearly finished with any major issues from their
biofamily and absent-parent-family breakups or they’re
working steadily and effectively now to accept and stabilize
these breakups.
12) All our caregiving adults are
(a)
reasonably clear on their co-parenting
and are generally
(b)
and
(c)
enough in doing them.
13) There are no inappropriate
sexual
attractions or actions among members of our several co-parenting homes.
14) All our co-parents know what
and
conflicts
and relationship
are, and are usually competent
at truly resolving each of them them.
15) There are no significant
bigotries,
animosities, angers, misjudgments, or resentments between members of our co-parenting
homes now, or our adults are working effectively together to reduce these.
16) There
are no unhealthy (e.g.
-based,
-based, guilt-based, or
lust-based)
between kids and/or adults in our
co-parenting homes now.
17) No one in our co-parenting homes is
on chemicals (including fat, sugar, carbohydrates, and
nicotine); activities like work, gambling, or exercising;
or
"causes" like religious or political evangelism.
18) Members in our homes usually respect each
others’ confidences, privacies, and
enough.
19) There
are
no major
or "taboo subjects" in or between our homes.
20) No
one has any major concern about
health, spiritual practices, or hygiene in our related co-parenting homes.
21) There's a comfortable amount of
spontaneous, healthy (vs. shaming) kidding, play, and humor among all our
members.
22) People in each of our homes are
interested enough in the welfare, goals, activities, and achievements of kids and
adults in our other co-parenting homes.
23) The
beliefs and
practices in each of our homes are compatible enough for everyone.
24)
Money is currently not a
significant source of hurt, resentment, distrust, or blame among members of our
co-parenting homes.
25)
None
of our kids or adults appears to be
major
or
they’re getting appropriate stepfamily, social, and professional support.
26) There are no
coalitions or
alliances between sub-groups of adults, kids, or adults and kids that
significantly stress any of the primary relationships (e.g. re/marriages) in our
co-parenting homes.
27) The personal, household, and cultural
differences
among us are generally sources of richness and diversity, vs. causing open or covert
blame, exclusion, sarcasm, distrust, or disrespect among us.
28) Members of our co-parenting homes are
usually
with each other, including respectfully
confronting other members about disagreements or unmet
| 29) People who
know our nuclear stepfamily reasonably well would say that
we’re pretty well
"adjusted" or "balanced" together; or that we’re all
progressing well towards becoming so. On an overall "balance" scale of 1 to 10,
I’d say our several
are about ___ now. |
30)
31)
I (a) took my
time with this checklist, and (b) feel pleased, calm , and satisfied as I finish it. There
(c) is nothing here that
I’d feel uncomfortable sharing with my partner or key others.
Thoughts / Learnings …
