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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
wounds,
building
high-nurtur-ance
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and
preventing
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
+ + +
This article summarizes five related hazards that stress most
families and marriages, and pro-poses a solution. The public, media, and
most human-service professionals are unaware of these com-bined
stressors and what they mean.
THE
PROBLEM
Many sociologists guesstimate that almost half of
typical U.S. first marriages end in legal
divorce.
They also guesstimate (without
supportive U.S. Census data) that a higher fraction of U.S. re/marriages divorce legally within 10 years
of their founding. The "/" in "re/divorce" notes
that it may be one mate's first union. More millions of partners elect to endure daily misery
(psychological divorce) rather than hire a lawyer.
From 28 years' clinical research with
over 1,000 average Midwestern-US
adults and couples, I believe there are
five interactive reasons for this tragic,
unremarked
divorce epidemic:
partners' significant
psychological
wounds from too little childhood
nurturance; plus...
partners'
unawareness of
themselves, each other, and several vital topics; plus...
These three stressors are
symptoms of an underlying problem: our society's condoning a silent
cycle of [wounds + unawareness] to pass down the generations.
These three
hazards combine to cause...
needy courting
partners to choose
the wrong
people (partner +
relatives) to commit to, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time.
this is amplified by little
informed help on
these stressors in the media and most communities. This is specially
true for
divorcing
and stepfamily couples.
This nonprofit educational site exists to help family adults and supporters
avoid or counteract these hazards, and evolve
high-nurturance
family relationships and prevent
family
stress and
divorce.
Perspective:
HAZARD 1) Courting
partners' combined sets of denied
psychological wounds caused
unintentionally by too little psychologicalandspiritual nurturance in early child-hood.
Until they're spotted and healed, These wounds silently inhibit personal
health and relationships, effective communication, and life quality and
satisfaction.
HAZARD 2)
Typical adults' unawareness of
core
causes of (a) most
relationship problems, and (b) how to
avoid or resolve them effectively
together. Restated: regard-less of
maturity, family experience, and formal
education, typical courting and commit-ted mates don't know what they
need to know, so they don't seek appropriate
educa-tion.
HAZARD 3) Adults''
incomplete grief over sets of majorlosses (broken bonds) from
childhood + major life changes, including leaving home, marriage, child
birth, any priordivorce or
mate/parent death + any (re)marriage and
cohabiting. Incomplete grief
silently promotes significant physical and psychological problems like
obesity,
addictions, and
depressions,
and usually inhibits forming healthy new
bonds. See this research
sum-mary.
HAZARD 5) Little available family support
-i.e. no (a) meaningful US divorce-preven-tion
legislation, or (b) informed clergy,
counselors, educators, doctors, lawyers,
support
groups,
classes, and programs, in most
communities and our media. Have you ever seen or heard of an article, Web
site, class, or program on understanding and reducing the four hazards
above?
Do you agree that these five factors could combine to promote major family stress and
legal or psychological divorce? Learn
more
from these
research-report summaries and this example
of the five hazards at work in a real stepfamily.
For
more perspective, review this summary of the main
causes of most family role and relationship problems.
If this is the problem, you probably want to know...
THE
SOLUTION
It begins with family-adult educationon
these
five hazards.
That can
motivate some courting adults to...
This
nonprofit stress-prevention Web site and its six related
guidebooks provide research-based
education and resources for these
vital family Projects. This site also offers a
free
re/marriage-preparation class based on Projects 1-7 for groups
and couples.
First-marriers can use the class also by omitting the two stepfamily projects (3
and 4).
Tho these guidebooks are written for stepfamily adults, and much of their content
applies to all adults.
See how you feel about what you just read. A = "I agree,"
D
= "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends
(on
what?)"
All Courting and
Committed Couples...
Few average adults (e.g.
you) are aware of the silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle pas-sed down from their ancestors, and what it
means to them, their descendents, and our
so-ciety. (A D ?)
Typical adult
survivors
of
low-nurturance (neglectful) childhoods are at significant risk of psychological
("false self")
wounds.
The majority don't (want to) know this, or what it
means
to them and their descendents. (A D
?)
Average courting couples
lack basic
information on personalities, healthy
relationships, effective communication skills,
healthy grieving, family
functioning, and
effective childcare. They don't know
what they don't know, or what this ignorance means. (A D
?)
Psychological wounds + lack
of information + little effective social warnings about these hazards during
courtship promote average
needy
mates choosing the wrong people to com-mit to, for the wrong reasons, at the
wrong time. In America, over half ultimately divorce le-gally or
psychologically, without really knowing why. (A D ?)
In addition to
the unawarenesses above, typical
divorcing parents and stepfamily adults don't know what they don't know about
stepfamily
realities and
implications.
This promotes significantly unrealistic expectation s and stress. (A D
?)
All divorcing andstepfamily adults and kids
(a) have major
losses
(broken bonds) to mourn,
and (b) are at risk of
incomplete grief because of
their psychological wounds and unawareness.
(A D ?)
There is little
informedhelp available
to average stepfamily co-parents and supporters in the media or
their local communities - specially for courting couples. (A D
?)
Pause, breathe, and reflect on
why you read this. Did you get
what you needed? If not - what do you
need now? Who's
answering these questions - your wise
true Self,
or
'someone else'?
The Web
address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/5-overvw.htm
THE
PROBLEM
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