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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/5reasons.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        My clinical research since 1979 strongly suggests that most troubled families and the tragic U.S. divorce epidemic are caused by an unseen, pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle passing down the generations - which promotes five little-recognized family and marital hazards. The hazards are specially common and impactful in typical "dysfunctional," divorcing, and step families.

        My research also suggests that few committed mates or family-support professionals know these hazards, what they mean, and what to do about them. This article provides perspective on each hazard and links to more detail. For a summary of the hazards and this article, see this.

To get more from reading this, first view this slide presentation on the [wounds + unawareness] cycle. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this. This series of articles offers three practical steps anyone can take to break the cycle and prevent the hazards - and divorce - in their families and communities.

  Five  Marital and Family Hazards

        Premise - once understood and accepted, each hazard can be prevented or reduced:

• denied psychological wounds (false-self dominance) from childhood neglect; plus...

• unawareness and ignorance of key relationship skills and stepfamily realities, plus...

• blocked grief from two or more sets of major life losses (broken bonds). These combine with...

• courtship neediness, idealizations, denials, and social ignorance of - and tolerance for - these hazards to promote partners' making up to three unwise commitment choices.

• this is amplified for partners with prior kids by little informed stepfamily help in the media and most communities.

        This five-hazard theory is not validated by any formal research that I know of. The most crucial part of it is validated. When I’ve proposed this five-factor theory to other human-service professionals and researchers, most say something like "That makes sense." See what you think.

1) Psychologically-wounded Partners in Protective Denials

       From interviewing over 1,000 typical Midwestern co-parents  since 1981, I propose that ~80% or more of typical American divorcing mates and stepfamily adults have survived significantly low-nurturance childhoods. Such "Grown Wounded Children (GWCs)" are often unaware of developing a "false self" that helped them survive their unintended psychological - spiritual neglect.

        They enter adulthood with up to six psychological wounds which degrade the quality of their relationships and personal health. The core wound is the protective dominance of a well-meaning false self, which disables their wise true Self and causes well-meant, harmful decisions.

       Typical GWCs unconsciously pick each other over and over, perhaps because excessive shame (a common false-self wound) automatically seeks its own level. Current self-help media call GWCs "Adult Children" of childhood trauma or toxic parents.

        Without self-awareness and personal recovery (healing), GWCs often unconsciously pass on inner wounds to dependent kids like their ancestors did, spreading the cycle of low nurturance + unawareness > wounds... Kids who chronically "act out" or "fail" are often manifesting false-self dominance and related wounds + blocked grief + environmental overwhelm.

        Co-parents' unseen false-self wounds amplify the next three marital hazards. Once acknowledged (vs. denied or minimized), these wounds can be substantially reduced (vs. cured) over time.

Pause and notice your reaction to what you just read. If you accept this "wounds" hazard, go ahead. If you doubt or disagree that psychological wounds could be a key reason for widespread family stress and divorce, please choose an open mind, and read...

• this introduction to personality subselves, and these common questions;

• this example of wounds and unawareness affecting a real stepfamily;

• this three-page letter to you,

• scan these representative titles of lay and professional books by seasoned authors; and...

• try this safe, interesting exercise when you're not distracted, mentally review the above, and then see how you feel about the reality and impact of normal subselves.  

Hazard 2) Unawareness + Ignorance

       Few family and human-service professionals I've met could talk knowledgeably about these inter-related topics...

• human personalities and relationship-health factors;..

• effective communication basics and skills;

• healthy-grief basics, and how to build a pro-grief family and release blocked grief; and...

• basic facts about stepfamilies and how they differ from intact, healthy biofamilies - and what these difference mean.

        I invite you to follow each of these links after you finish this article, and see how much you know about these four vital areas. When you do, I believe you'll better understand why I propose that most divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and supporters "don't know what they don't know." 

        The maxim "what you don't know can't hurt you" is tragically wrong when it comes to divorce-adjustment and stepfamily re/marriage and co-parenting! The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.

        This nonprofit educational Website offers many resources to help adults increase their family's awareness and knowledge:

• these slide presentations and related articles and worksheets.

• these selected reading lists of Web articles and other resources;

• these common questions and answers and Solutions articles;

• this free 8-module seminar for courting co-parents and supporters, and its Leader's guide;

• these guidebooks which integrate the key articles in this site; and...

• these articles on how to choose practical (useful) stepfamily advice, literature, and counselors; and....

• these 12 sequential "Projects" to help typical partners and co-parents use the knowledge in the resources above to heal false-self wounds, build high-nurturance family relationships, and protect the next generation from inheriting the [wound + ignorance] cycle.

       Premise - adults' psychological wounds and unawareness often combine to promote...

Hazard 3) Blocked Grief

        Every death, divorce, re/marriage, and stepfamily merger causes webs of painful losses (broken bonds) for all healthy family members. Re/wedding and/or stepfamily cohabiting cause new losses (and gains!) for all adults and kids involved.

        If stepfamily re/marriage and/or cohabiting occur before prior losses have been well mourned by all related adults and kids (including grandparents), stress from these combined hazards will increase. Natural mourning takes it's own time, and can't be ignored or hurried.

       Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) often didn't see their (wounded) parents grieve well, so they ...

• can't do so themselves, 

• can't model and teach their kids to grieve well, and...

• aren't aware of this or what it means. Blocked grief appears to promote a wide range of emotional, physical, and secondary relationship problems, including addictions, obesity, and (some) "depression."

Typical co-parents controlled by a protective false self numb, repress, and avoid intense grief sadness and/or rage, so kids and adults alike are stressed and ruled by these blocked (or explosive) feelings - often, for years.

        Blocked grief nourishes post-divorce hostilities, splits biokids emotionally between divorcing parents, and prevents even adult stepkids from accepting the kindest of stepparents. Blocked mourning has clear symptoms. Once recognized, frozen grief can be patiently thawed over time if the griever is (a) in a pro-grief environment and is (b) usually guided by his or her wise true Self.

  See this brief research summary for perspective on this widespread personal and family stressor. Then (a) take this quiz, to see what you (don't) know, and then (b) study this slide presentation about "good grief" basics.

       Combined with adults' false-self wounds, unawarenesses, and blocked grief, another common re/marital stressor is ...

 Hazard 4) Unwise Courtship Choices

       If a decision to first-marry is likened to choosing "the right" compact car, the highly complex stepfamily-re/marriage decision is roughly like evaluating whether or not to move you and any kids to Raratonga, Lapland, or Tibet. Wise stepfamily commitments need exceptionally thorough research, and clear-headed self-awarenesses and deliberations.
       
       Assessing the viability of forming a stepfamily is a major task! I agree with veteran pastoral counselor Dr. Harville Hendrix. After 20+ years’ experience with couples, he feels that despite maturity, adult life experience, and "common sense, " most marriage and commitment decisions are largely emotional and unconscious, vs. "rational." Think of the implications...

       Wounded survivors of low childhood nurturance (GWCs) are at special risk of choosing the wrong people (plural) to re/commit to, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. Too often, they co-commit to alluring illusions of who "you (and we) are going to be: a perfect mate, wonderful couple and happy biofamily."

        Typical love-struck couples rarely exchange vows knowing clearly who they are now - often two needy people denying major false-self wounds and unawarenesses (above), heading blithely into an amazingly complex, risky venture they know little about.

        For more perspective on this widespread hazard, review this slide presentation. Projects 1- 7 in this non-profit Web site and their related guidebook (Stepfamily Courtship, Xlibris.com, 2002) offer practical suggestions and resources to help courting partners make wise stepfamily commitments. The essential requisite for doing this having their respective true Selves guide their courtship behaviors and decisions (Project 1).

        Typical needy adults who brave or ignore the four hazards above and commit to stepfamily partnership and co-parenting usually discover to their dismay and frustration that there is... 

 Hazard 5) Little Informed Stepfamily Support

        Local and national media and (I suspect) most communities offer little or no informed, effective support for re/marriers and their relatives and kids. At least in greater Chicago, there are very few co-parenting classes, support groups, newsletters, or aware counselors for stepfamily members.

        Most lay stepfamily books are autobiographical and/or are largely superficial ("build open and honest communications, and have family meetings") erroneously based on intact-biofamily ("traditional") norms. Since 1979, I have never seen a realistic TV or movie portrayal of stepfamily life. 

        In my experience, such professionals usually give confused, needy, and/or idealistic co-parents well-meant, misguided (i.e. biofamily-based) advice. At best, this doesn't hurt. At worst, such counsel unintentionally increases re/marital and stepfamily stress, and raises the receivers' distrust of professional help.

Recap

        After 29 years' study and hands-on experience, I propose that the "low-nurturance > divorce > stepfamily > re/divorce connection" that causes millions of typical U.S. re/marriers and their kids to live in misery or break up (again, for many) is the combination of...

Co-parents' denied psychological wounds + unawareness of stepfamily realities  and key life skills + incomplete grief in one or more family members + courtship neediness and illusions + little informed help.

        Here's more detail on the three levels of typical personal and family "problems" (unmet needs).

        If this five-hazard idea is true, what can partners and other family adults do about it?

 12 Ways to Avoid Family Stress and Divorce

        Any co-parent or couple considering stepfamily re/marriage can thoroughly learn and assess these five hazards, tailor them to fit their unique situation, and take appropriate actions to offset them!

        "Appropriate actions" are 12 sequential projects to work on together over four or more years. This is no small challenge: it’s complex, often confusing, and scary along the way. The priceless prizes for this major dedicated, long-range co-parent effort are ...

• Notably-improved personal wholistic health, productivity, and serenity;

• A wonderful, solid, loving adult union, cushioned in ...

• A warm, comforting, nourishing, stable, supportive, and often (vs. always) loving, set of related stepfamily homes, and...

• The marvelous satisfaction of knowing their efforts have protected their minor kids from the toxic legacy of unintended nurturance deprivations and crippling inner wounds!

       One key to gaining these priceless prizes is education. The 150+ articles in this nonprofit site and related guidebooks aim to provide a coherent, experience-based framework for that. The 12 projects and articles are in a logical sequence, so start with the basics, and read and discuss them all, over time.

        If the idea of false-self dominance scares or disheartens you, read about the benefits of healing it! If you're skeptical about personality subselves, try this safe exercise, and read my letter to you.

 Options

• Assess yourself or another for significant false-self dominance and wounds, and/or...

• Study a true stepfamily example of these five hazards at work, and/or ...

• Study this overview of the 12 co-parent projects and follow the links; and/or ...

• Browse these questions co-parents should ask, and/or...

• Learn three steps to protect your family members and fellow citizens from the [wounds + ignorance] cycle; and... 

• Invest in and apply these practical guidebooks for Projects 1-12; and/or...

• If you're courting, continue pre-re/marriage Project 7 by...

• viewing and discussing these slides, and...

• filling out the first of a series of worksheets to clarify "Am I re/marrying the right partner?"

Otherwise, scan the site directory and map (links below) for useful next steps.

            Pause, breathe, and reflect - Why did you read this? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise true Self, or "someone else"?

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Updated  September 27, 2008