The 12 Steps for Survivors
of Childhood Neglect

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  The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/12-steps.htm

  The address of the related series of articles is http://sfhelp.org/basics/addiction1.htm

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          This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing  divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

          Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

There are many hyperlinks in this article. If you find them too distracting, consider reading the article without following them, and then re-reading and seeing where the links lead.

        This article is written to lay and professional people interested in the traditional 12 Steps of main-line "Anonymous" recovery programs. From 28 years' clinical study and personal experience, the article respectfully proposes amendments to these proven Steps to acknowledge the reality of the normal personality subselves that cause most (all?) addictions.

        This is one of a series of Web articles on family Project 1:

• assess yourself and perhaps other important people for symptoms of significant false-self wounds. If enough symptoms are found (a subjective judgment),

• commit to a personal wound-recovery program and empower your true Self (capital "S") to guide your other personality subselves.

        People with one or more active addictions need to maintain sobriety for at least a year before attemp-ting this. Addiction recovery is a requisite for false-self-wound recovery. Both require hitting true (vs. pseudo, or trial) bottom.

        To get the most from this article, please review these first:

• the [wounds + ignorance] cycle - slides or text

• personality subselves and false-self wounds - slides or text,

• reducing  false self wounds - slides or text, and...

• two brief moving non-denominational videos "Conversation With God" and "The Dash"

Background

        I am the Adult Child of two alcoholic (wounded) parents - an "ACoA." Since my discovery of this harsh reality in 1986 at age 38, I've studied...

• family health and "functionality."

• the four types of addiction, and their symptoms and toxic effects on families; and...

• current knowledge about how to recover from addictions and the low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") environments that cause most of them. 

        I've been in personal ACoA recovery since 1986, and have experienced major life improvements from it. As a person and professional therapist, I've witnessed similar healing in many others on their unique paths to personal wholistic health,  serenity, and self-actualization.

        As I became aware of the ideas comprising co-parent Project 1 here, I began to see ACoA-like symptoms in most of my hundreds of divorcing and stepfamily students and therapy clients. Many had not been raised by chemically-addicted parents. Professional reflection, inquiry, study, my own therapy, and direct observation since 1979 have convinced me that...

1) The psychological wounds and behavioral symptoms commonly attributed to average Adult Children of Alcoholics are identical to those displayed by any adult who survived wounded caregivers and a low-nurturance childhood. Chemical (or other) dependence need not be involved. These wounds and behavioral symptoms appear to be the same as those of people with the toxic condition (vs. "sick-ness") of codependence - a form of relationship addiction.

        Consequently, I generalize the terms ACoA, addict, co-addict, and codependent in this site and related guidebooks as Grown Wounded Child (GWC). I thank journalist/author Gloria Lintermans for the term, which replaced the unpleasant, accurate label "Grown Deprived Child." Lay and professional authors are still searching for an acceptable label for adult survivors of childhood neglect. The closest convention so far seems to be Adult Child of family dysfunction or of toxic or dysfunctional parents.

        I also now believe that ...

        2) Average kids survive low-nurturance childhoods by automatically forming a protective, clever, short-sighted false-self which dominates their perceptions, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. The extreme form of this is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) by psychiatrists and other mental health professionals. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) now estimates about 5% of Americans endure this serious, treatable disability.

        I conclude this after studying and professionally practicing inner-family therapy for 15 years. I en-dorse and use key concepts evolved by psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz and colleagues, and the Internal Family Systems Association (IFSA). The wisdom of many other veteran clinicians has shaped my perception of how false selves form and operate, and how inner harmony can be improved.

        If you're skeptical about normal personality subselves, read this, and return here. Then try this inter-esting exercise after finishing this article.

        I emphasize that the high majority of us who are often controlled by a false self are not crazy - because...

• we can function reasonably well in society and at home and work, and...

• usually pose no danger to ourselves or others.

        Except for the small percentage of us who endured such massive early trauma that we developed extreme personality "splitting" (formerly called "Multiple Personality Disorder, or MPD)," most of us Grown Wounded Children appear "normal enough" on the surface. However, our false selves are expert, well-meaning deceivers, because our childhood experiences taught them that the world was unsafe.

        Closer study of typical GWCs in denial shows inexorable patterns of personal and relationship stressors, like isolation, approach-avoid cycles, divorce/s, chronic depression, eating and "mood  disorders," and various recurring psychological and physical health problems.

        Once denials are really broken via "hitting true (vs. pseudo) bottom," personal wound-recovery and informed help gradually change that!
 

3) After 29 years' study, I've also concluded that the 12-step life philosophy first promoted in 1935 by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founders "Dr. Bob" and "Bill W." can help stabilize and reduce the toxic behavioral traits of all childhood-neglect survivors (GWCs), not just addicts.

        Family-systems therapy has gradually replaced traditional Freudian psychoanalysis since the 1950s. The concepts of ACoA, co-alcoholic, codependence, and family dysfunction began affecting our culture around 1980, so we're just starting to understand how the traditional 12 AA steps relate to them.

        The recent service organizations for Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-dependents Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Families Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and more are adapting the original 12-steps to fit their members' needs.

        New body-scanning technology like Positron Emission Tomography (PET) and the emerging personality-subself concept obsoletes the toxic legacy of shame that our ignorant, wounded ("God-fearing") ancestors attached to addiction. Using "Anonymous" in naming any 12-step recovery group implies that wounded people are morally bad and must hide their "condition" from social awareness, or endure condemnation and pity (inferiority). This is like preaching that mental retardation or naiveté is a shameful personal choice.

        My professional research and experience suggests that one universal problem causes the symptoms of...

• all 12-step compulsions and obsessions, and...

• most mood, character, and personality "disorders," and...

• societal ignorance of the ongoing cycle of unintended parental neglect and resulting psychological wounds.

If this is true, we can help future generations by merging all 12-step programs into a common movement called "Recoverers United" or similar. Notice your reaction...

  A Proposed Update of the 12 Steps

        With veneration for the courageous men and women who created, validated, and implemented the original 12 steps, I propose an upgrade to reflect new knowledge. Based on the three beliefs above, this upgrade integrates the idea that addicts, co-addicts, and all of us struggling to lift ourselves out of shame, confusion, emptiness, and fear are really trying to restore our true Selves to lead our other personality subselves, with the essential support of our Higher Power.

        Intentionally developing personal-subself harmony can reduce or eliminate dependence on 12-step-meetings ("Keep on keeping on - Keep coming back") to avoid relapsing. Relapses are real and tragic. I believe they occur because people haven't (a) hit true bottom, (b) accepted their false-self wounds and (c) begun to reduce them yet. Project 1 in this non-profit site and the related guidebook offer an effective way to do this over time.

        The ACoA World Service organization amendment of the original 12 AA steps is reprinted below on the left, and the proposed update on the right. Proposed changes are in italics. I offer this to fellow recover-ers and their families and supporters as "wet clay," for much is new, uncertain, and un-researched. 

        Our human yearning for health, serenity, compassion, unity, love, and Life-purpose are timeless and universal. So are our evolving spiritual needs. Do you agree?