The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/attitudes.htm
This page concludes examining the
effects of 10 key
co-parent attitudes on family relationships and health.
A key attitude to consider:
6) Is
Conflict
Bad?
"Conflict" occurs when two or more people (or subselves) have different
perceptions, beliefs, values, and/or needs. Would you agree that all
conflicts cause some degree of
psychological discomfort (confu-sion + guilts + hurt + anger +
frustration + anxiety) in each person involved? Normal humans and other
animals are programmed to avoid or reduce discomfort.
What are your co-parents’ attitudes about fighting, arguing, and conflict
- in general, and in your homes and family? Did your parents and
grandparents consistently value conflict?
Do you know anyone who sees
conflict as a (potentially) good thing?
I've heard scores of courting co-parents say proudly “We never fight!” That suggests
the speaker/s...
-
believed
that conflict is bad or wrong,
-
weren’t confident about using disagreements
to build their relationship,
-
hadn't graduated from blissful courtship idealism to relationship reality
yet, and...
-
weren't aware of the vital
difference between lose-lose fighting or arguing and win-win
and later legal battles imply
that the former mates weren’t able to problem-solve effectively. In typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies, disagreements
people (among
their subselves) and between members and homes
are common and inevitable, not bad!
If you co-parents have usually exper-ienced fights as stressful and
unfulfilling in childhood and married life, you’re apt to unconsciously expect
them to be the same after divorce.
You’ll probably (a) avoid them, or (b)
automatically react to family conflict with a combative
(adversarial) mindset.
If a
rules any of your
co-parents, their subselves may enjoy fighting and
uproar, and/or seek to punish someone for hurting them. True Selves don’t
value those.
Your terminology counts, here:
fighting and arguing are associated with
antagonism, aggression, disrespect, power, combat, winning, and losing. Problem-solving
and conflict resolution are associated with cooperation, mediation, willing
compromise, and mutual respect. Note the powerful difference between
aggression (“I want _____, and I don’t care what you feel or want”)
and respectful
(“I need _____ now. What do you need?”)
Forming an effective co-parenting team over time will cause your adults and
kids many
major conflicts over childcare goals, values, styles, discipline,
visitation, financial support, custody, celebrations, and other things.
Is anything blocking you from imagining that these disputes can often have
win-win-win
outcomes?
If your co-parents...
-
are guided by their
(capital
"S"); and choose to…
-
see
each other as
in dignity
and worth, despite disagreements; and…
-
are
clearly aware of what they and their family members
and …
-
are becoming fluent in the
then...
...they can view inevitable family conflicts as
useful opportunities to build teamwork and
bonding together, not something to be avoided, denied, or criticized.
Your kids and their descendents depend on you
co-parents to want to do hold this attitude, and demonstrate it
consistently.
Status check: our family
adults' attitudes about internal and interpersonal conflict consistently
strengthen our stepfamily now. (True False ?)
This is pretty dry (and important) stuff. Breathe, stretch, and see if you
need a mind/body break… When you’re ready, recheck: is your Self still
leading your inner family? Let’s continue strengthening your co-parent-teambuilding
base by exploring your adults' attitudes about…
7) Is
Change Scary (Bad), or Comfortable
and Productive?
Would you agree that our need to expect and adapt to personal, social, and
environmental change never changes? Would you also agree that divorce,
re/marriage, and cohabiting cause desired and unpleasant changes in
all
Your co-parents’ attitudes about change will greatly affect how well
you all...
-
recover from false-self
-
grieve your many
-
resolve
your many internal and interpersonal conflicts,
-
form new (step)family bonds, and...
-
adjust to new
family
and living conditions.
Do you agree?
Do you welcome change, and feel confident about your ability to adapt to it?
Does each of your co-parents feel this way? Do your kids? Did your parents?
Some of your
welcome
change, others fear and oppose it, and still others may not care. In other words, you may have
conflicting attitudes about change within
you. A common manifestation of this is what Dr. Paul Watzlawick and
colleagues have called
"first-order (changeless) changes" - like diets that don't work permanently,
New Years' resolutions that fade, and addiction-recoveries that relapse.
Behaviors change for a while, but the core attitudes beneath them
don't. When true Selves are solidly
of their
personalities, people (like you) are much more likely to achieve
lasting second-order (core attitude) changes.
Reality: you
can’t force insecure subselves to trust that environmental change will be
comfortable and safe enough. Your true Self can learn
to demonstrate to your other subselves that change is safe enough if they trust
your Self to
them in
adapting to planned and unexpected changes.
Healthy grief is the psychological-
mental process that leads to
genuine acceptance of change (loss). My experience is that blocked
grief is one of
five major
in troubled and divorcing families. You can grow
homes
together
if your co-parents...
-
are
aware of personal and environmental changes, and accept them as inevitable;
-
see
these changes as “usually safe
enough;” and...
-
view change as “usually beneficial,
long-term.”
Does this describe each of
your co-parents, so far? What attitudes about
change are you grownups
teaching your kids by your behaviors (vs. your words)?
Status check: Our family adults' individual and collective
attitudes about change clearly strengthen our family relationships
and welfare now. (T F ?)
Option: reflect on what your subselves and your body are
now…
We’re almost done. Next, consider your
co-parents' attitudes about…
8)
Parenting: a Satisfying
Challenge or a Stressor?
Do you know adults who generally welcome the anxieties, doubts, and
heartaches of childrearing? People who see parenting as an exciting, rewarding
long-term opportunity to co-create something (someone) of rare value? Did
each of your parents and grandparents feel something like that? Do you? Do
you know any foster, adoptive, or stepparents who feel some version of that
about nurturing someone else’s child/ren?
Check to see if your Self is
your other subselves now. Then try
saying this out loud, and notice what you feel and think:
“I often genuinely enjoy co-parenting, and I
want the responsibility and
rewards of
the young people in my life.”
Does that
feel true, or do you feel ambivalence? Do any inner
voices (subselves) say “Yes, but…”, or “…except for…” Imagine each of your
other co-parents saying that sentence out loud - or ask them to do so. What reactions
do you expect?
Co-parents who…
were unwanted conceptions
themselves;
are too
have unplanned babies; and/or...
had wounded, unavailable, overwhelmed parents;
have
visions of parenting and child development;
frequently feel overwhelmed, and/or…
mistakenly expect that having kids will bring
social acceptance and/or fill the
emptiness within them;...
…often feel ambivalent, dutiful, guilty, or resentful about filling kids’
needs. This is specially likely if they have too little (a) healthy
child-raising knowledge,
(b) confidence in their and their mate’s capabilities,
and (c) social and spiritual
Divorce and mate death each bring up special needs in kids and adults.
So does parental dating, re/wedding, and cohabiting. Adequate
bioparenting knowledge, confidence, satisfactions, and goals may be
overwhelmed by these concurrent, interactive new needs and environmental changes.
Childless new stepparents are often stunned by the complexity, conflict, and
challenge of sharing responsibility for nurturing their mate’s child/ren.
After courtship idealism and optimism fade, stepdads and moms can feel their
nurturing role yields more stress than satisfaction and joy – specially if
they’re ruled by a
and/or their marriage is significantly
troubled.
Premise:
your co-parents’ combined attitudes about their childcare
responsibilities will help or hinder your forming an effective nurturing
Do you
adults each know what your true attitude about co-paren-ting is? Do
you and/or your kids need any adult to change their attitude?
What's needed for that to
hap-pen? Start by
whether an adult is
wounded (ruled by a false
self). Then assess whether s/he has clear, realistic long-range images
of how s/he wants your dependent kids to turn out, or if s/he's mainly focused on
resolving current conflicts ("The future will take care of itself.").
Status check: Our
co-parents' attitudes about their responsibility to
dependent
children generally strengthens our family relationships and helps us resolve
major conflicts. (T F ?)
How do you feel about...
9)
Losses and Grieving: Good or Bad?
Can you describe your personal and your family’s
on grieving?
Our unaware, wounded society seems to devalue healthy personal and family mourning.
We accept this despite a series of inevitable broken bonds which make
essential to each
of us.
A
is a broken psycho-spiritual attachment (bond) to something or
someone. Life forces losses on all us adults and kids (like aging), and we choose
to break other bonds
to get some benefit. How well we (our subselves) grieve affects our
our relationship harmonies, and
our ability to form
new bonds. All people who are
experience
minor to devastating losses throughout their lives. Some
majorly-wounded kids and adults can't bond. They must fake mourning and
intimacy, or be viewed as cold or uncaring (i.e. bad).
Do you honestly feel that losses are good, bad, or neither? Do you see mourning
in _ yourself and _ your family members as useful, normal, and healthy
(good), or something to fear and be repressed, avoided, and “gotten over
fast”? Do you feel grieving adds to the richness of family relationships and
life, or reduces it? Note that “I don’t (want to) know” and “I don’t
care” are attitudes.
What you saw your caregivers and hero/ines do
with their losses, and how they reacted to yours have shaped your subselves'
attitudes about the value of "good grief." It’s likely that your subselves’
disagree on this, so your dominant
will determine
"your"
attitudes.
See how you
feel about each of these key ideas:
Losses are
painful, always follow attachments, and are normal, not
good or bad.
Healthy
is good, because it promotes
psychological balance +
wholistic health + long life + eventually
forming new bonds.
Blocked grief is
bad (harmful), because it will (a)
promote (secondary) health problems,
(b) hinder your ex mates’
and
childcare
and (c) promote misinforming and
significantly
your kids.
Understanding and admitting
losses, and valuing healthy
three-level
mourning, can help your co-parents form an effective nurturing team for your kids.
Helping your youngsters learn to
grieve well becomes one of your shared
co-parenting objectives, over time.
Pause and reflect: what do you believe each of your co-parents’ good-bad attitudes
are about (a) losses (broken bonds) and (b) grieving? Is there any chance you and/or they are
in mourning key losses? See
Status Check: Each of our co-parents and key relatives' true attitudes
about losses and grieving clearly strengthens our family relationships and
nurturance level now. (T F ?)
A final overarching attitude that will affect the relationships between your
kids' bioparents and stepparent/s:
10) Is Your Glass
Half Full or Half Empty?
How would you describe the key difference between...
-
a pessimist or cynic;
-
an
optimist,
-
an idealist, and
-
a realist?
Which of these best describes you _ in
general, and _ relative to your current family’s status and future? Do you
think these primal attitudes can significantly help or hinder your
building an effective co-parenting team over time? If so, do you think your
co-parents can intentionally shift from one of these attitudes to
another?
A pessimist would assume “divorcing family and stepfamily relationships can
never be as fulfilling as intact biofamily relationships. Working to build
an effective co-parenting team will never work, and wastes time and
energy.”
| A
realistic optimist would assume “If co-parents are self responsible,
patient, and resourceful, divorced-family and re/married-family
relationships can be just as satisfying and fulfilling as intact-biofamily
counterparts.” They agree with the Chinese, who's written symbol for
"crisis" is combines the symbols for danger and opportunity.
|
 |
An
idealist or optimist would assume “Love, faith, and God will heal all
wounds and conquer all obstacles. Families are stronger than any trauma or
obstacle, if the adults try and others don’t interfere. Divorce or death
will never overcome or block parents' and kids' love for each other. We
co-parents don’t really need to be aware of our attitudes, or worry about
building a co-parenting team. Stepfamilies are really not significantly
different than biofamilies, no matter what so-called ‘experts’ say."
My experience is that the type of “glass” (life attitude) you have
demonstrates who's leading your personality subselves. Generally,
of
childhoods are often led by critical, perfectionist, idealistic, scared,
skeptical, shamed, angry, or hopeless subselves much of the time. Those
usually result in glass half-empty or unrealistically cheery, idealistic
attitudes – in general or in times of conflict and change.
People who often are led by their
and
tend to be
flexible, resilient, open “optimistic realists.” Their glass is often half-full
- spontaneously, not from duty, dogma, or fear of scorn or rejection.
This view implies that if you, and any ex mates, stepparents, or key
relatives, are “half-empty” people, a false self often rules that person.
Where so, s/he can shift toward genuinely half-full if s/he patently works toward
her or his Self to lead (i.e. freely commit to some
version of
It also implies that without attention, your
co-parents’ (subselves’) expectations about most aspects of your family
relationships will focus on reasons why you "can’t succeed,” or why
informed, well-discussed changes won’t work. Half-empty people really distrust...
-
the
competence of ruling subselves and key others,
-
a dependable, caring
Supreme Being, and...
-
“the universe” to be reliably safe enough, long term.
Part of permanently shifting to a half-full attitude is freeing any
anxious, rigid subselves from old fears, guilts, or compulsions about having different
values than your childhood caregivers. Did you
grow up with genuinely “half-full” people and hero/ines? Who would object or
censure you if you shifted toward “realistic optimism”?
A key implication is that if any of your co-parents is notably “half-empty”
(ruled by a fearful and/or cynical false self),
you probably can’t convert
them by threat, scorn, or “logic” - but you do have impactful
options.
Status check: each of our co-parents is clearly a
"realistic optimist," which strengthens our family's evolving nurturance
level. (T F ?)
Recap
Premise: the co-parents in your
can choose nurturing or toxic
attitudes about each other and key aspects of their lives. If each
co-parent wants to take responsibility for growing nourishing attitudes like those
above, then building an
and a
environment for your kids and adults is much more likely.
Your attitudes
have as much impact on resolving any team-building
as
your
harmony, your
and your
communication effectiveness.
|
Your co-parents' attitudes are clear signs of which subselves
usually dominate their respective personalities. A first step in
choosing nurturing attitudes is to become
of (a) what your
ruling subselves currently believe, (b) who
your
personalities, and (c) how their beliefs affect your filling your primary
needs.
|
Once your co-parents' attitudes are clear, stable, and compatible, you can
help each other reduce specific teambuilding
if you all also work together to heal significant
and improve your communication skills
Resources: see...
-
these basic premises about your
relationships
-
the articles and worksheets in
Project 10 for more on building an effective co-parenting team after divorce or
co-parent re/marriage
-
this attitude-inventory
worksheet to promote awareness and discussion among you all
-
the guidebook
Build a Co-parenting Team, which integrates key
Solutions articles here on re/building caregiving cooperation among divorced parents
and stepparents.
+ + +
Pause, breathe well, and reflect: why did you begin reading
this article? What have you learned from it? If you need to do
anything as a result, what - and why?
