1)
Not being clear on your
rights as a person of
dignity and true worth.
2) Not
and calmly
accepting your own boundaries with your ex mate, without major
ambivalence, guilt, anger, or vagueness. This may be amplified if other
relatives or supporters urge conflicting limits on you.
3) Not becoming clear and
consistent on
(a) your boundaries and
(b) specifically what you'll do if
your ex violates them (consequences). This is also a problem in child
discipline;
4) Not
asserting your
boundaries and consequences in a firm, respectful
way, vs.
timidly or aggressively; and (b) not handling resistances with respectful
and
re-assertion;
5) Not learning to resolve
and
relationship
effectively with your ex and/or your new partner;
and ...
6)
Not earning your own respect and
trust by confronting your ex promptly when s/he exceeds your
limits;
7) Not being able to get a
clear explanation of what your ex's new boundaries are - or not accepting
them;
8) Getting confusing
about your
ex's boundaries - s/he says one thing, and does something else;
9) Not
taking responsibility for
of your boundary problems, and
mentally or verbally blaming your ex mate; and...
10) Struggling over these surface
boundary stressors, instead of looking beneath them and resolving...
Two
Primary Problems
I believe the ten boundary problems above are all symptoms of two
underlying primary problems:
One or both
of you are unaware of being controlled by a
and...
One or both of you aren't consistently using
-communication
basics and
with your other co-parents.
If this true in your situation, then
the
solution to your "boundary problems"
is to want to do
some version of
(put
your true Self in charge of your
other subselves), and
(raise the effectiveness of your thinking and problem-solving skills).
Both of these are complex personal challenges with priceless eventual payoffs for you and your kids.
Here's a comparison between how a false self and a true Self might handle a
boundary violation from your ex...
Your
False self and True Self in Action
To better understand the examples below, study the overviews of your
inner
family
what happens
when your false
self in control, and how to use the powerful communication skills of
and
During your relationship years with your ex, you've each built unconscious
patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with the other. You've formed
assumptions and expectations about how the other will think and react to
you in certain situations. Here you means
your dynamic
In other
words, your ruling subselves will probably have
"standard" (semi-conscious) reactions to your ex mate's violating
your boundaries in ways like these...
walking into your
dwelling without calling or knocking, saying righteously "Hey - my
child lives here, so I have a right to come in!";
repeatedly asking your
child for personal information about you, despite their discomfort
showing your pre-teen
child x-rated videos despite your strong objection (triangling);
sarcastically
criticizing you as a parent or a person to your child (triangling);
frequently sending the
child-support check late, and ignoring your protests or making
self-serving excuses;
insisting on telling you
personal information about themselves that you don't want to hear;
calling your
over-talkative parent or sibling for personal information about you
(triangling);
repeatedly changing
child-visitation arrangements at the last minute; and ...
frequently ignoring the
terms of the legal
and refusing to discuss that or
problem-solve.
Any bells ringing? The way you react to behaviors like these depends on
your history, your perceptions, and which subselves manage your personality.
Common false-self reactions to violations like these include
automatic responses like...
-
"blowing up" at
(yelling, name-calling, threatening, demeaning) your ex;
-
sulking, obsessing, and
badmouthing (blaming/attacking) your ex to other people;
-
numbing out, ignoring your
feelings, and "making the best of it";
-
self-medicating (distracting) from your your
hurt, resentment, and anger by overeating, overworking, working out, or
"getting depressed;"
-
asking a child (or someone)
to tell your ex to stop violating your boundary;
-
punishing your ex
mate in some way, and denying or righteously justifying that;
-
praying humbly for patience
and tolerance;
-
whining and complaining to
others, and avoiding confrontations with your ex;
-
sending your ex spouse mixed
messages like "I want you to stop that (but I won't do
anything if you don't)";
-
guiltily relishing wonderful
fantasies about awful things happening to your ex "some day;"
and ...
-
generalizing -
reminding your ex angrily of all the rotten things they've done over the
years;
When your
(capital "S")
your
other subselves, s/he
typically would...
carefully weigh the overall situation against your current and long-term
needs and goals,
collect opinions from other subselves and trusted people,
review your
personal Bill of Rights, and
then...
calmly decide:
-
specifically what
you need from your ex, right now;
-
how to assert that
need firmly
and respectfully, and handle probable reactions without giving in,
defocusing, or "losing it"; and ...
-
what
specific
action you'll take if your ex chooses to continue violating your or your
child's boundaries. Then your Self would follow through, by...
-
asking your other subselves to not interfere,
and firmly
(a) your boundary and
(b) your consequence for violating it to your ex. Your Self
means this as clear,
factual information, not as a threat,
or manipulation.
If your ex's true Self is
their ruling
subselves may need to interpret your mutually-respectful
assertion
as aggression. Your Self knows your ex isn't aware of this
false-self
and guides
your other subselves to not over-react.
Which of these reaction patterns is more familiar to you - false self, or true
Self? Here's how typical inner and outer dialogs would go for
each pattern if your ex insists on changing visitation
arrangements at the last minute, despite your repeated requests not to.
The scene opens with your ex calling 10" before s/he's due to pick up
your kids to say s/he can't come because "something's come up."
Expecting your daughter Anne to be with their other parent, you're dressed and ready
to go to dinner with a friend. This has happened several times in
the past months, with your ex offering insincere apologies and/or
giving no explanation at all. You're on the phone now, Annie's within
earshot, and ...
Your True Self is Disabled
All your dominant subselves "speak" (think/react) at once. Italics are your
thoughts, and hilighted text is spoken:
Judge - "What
an insensitive, selfish JERK Pat is!"
-
"We'll have to put up with this for the rest of our life. We'll never
be able to have good social times again!"
Peace Maker -
"Now c'mon, everyone, calm down. Let's not get into a ..."
Rager/Warrior - "Oh
shut up, for God's sake. You are such a pitiful doormat!"
Righteous One -
"Remember, 'act not in anger...' ";
- "People
have to do what they commit to!"
-
"Agh! Sal (friend) will be so disappointed and inconvenienced!
We'll send a card, after calling now and explaining that ..."
-
"Please - is something really bad going to happen? Did I do something
wrong?"
Self - "Wait
a minute! What we need to do now is ..."
Judge and Rager
together (distrustful) - "Be quiet! We'll handle
this." They use your lungs and larynx to say to your ex "I am so sick
of you being so unorganized and irresponsible, Pat. You always
disappoint the kids, and you make it impossible for me to have a social
life. I can't believe how selfish you are! I've already made plans
to ..." (Implied disrespectful
"I'm 1-up")
Pat's false self -
"Well, here we go again (sarcastically) - demanding your way without
ever considering what I need. You didn't even bother to ask why I
can't pick the kids up, did you? How do you know my leg isn't broken? You
really don't give a damn about me, you're just focused on your wonderful
social life." (R-message: "No, I'M 1-up!" Familiar
power struggle starting to evolve.)
Your daughter Anne
(nearby) looks at you, alert and
anxious...
Good Parent - "I
have to tell poor Annie what's going on without bad-mouthing Pat..."
(sarcastically) -
"Way to go! How come you let Annie get whipsawed by this jerk? She
keeps getting hurt, and you never stand up to Pat. Some 'parent'. You are pathetic."
- "I know, I know. I really am a joke of a parent and a person. I'm so
worthless..."
Comforter - (creating a
vivid image of a heaping bowl of chocolate ice cream) "Wouldn't this
taste really good right now? C'mon, let's..."
Judge - "So
what's your excuse this time, Pat?" (condescending voice tone implies
"I'm 1-up") ...
Note
that it took less than 15 seconds for all this to happen. Neither
true Self is in charge, and neither co-parent is...
This example omits Pat's inner-family chaos, which is just as confused
and raucous as "yours" above. There are probably over 20
combined personality subselves activated here, including Annie's inner Worried
Girl, Critic, Hurt Girl, Angry Girl,
and Good Girl!
What might this inner and interpersonal exchange have sounded like if
your true Self was solidly in charge? You're on the phone, and Pat's just
said "Something's come up."
Your True Self Leads Your
Other Subselves
Self -
"So you're not coming? Pat, this is really short notice!"
Pat's false self -
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, but a key client called just as work was
ending, and my boss wants a report on her desk at 9 AM tomorrow. She's a
real hardnose, and I have to get on this tonight..."
Inner Judge - "What
a jerk! Pat probably wants to drink beer rent a sleazy video."
- "This
is the fourth time in five months that Pat's cancelled at the last
minute."
Practical Adult - "We
better call Sal right away, and let Annie know what's happening..."
Perfectionist - "This
is wrong! People have to honor their commitments!
Your Self -
(forcefully) "Pat, when you tell me of changes at the last minute like
this, I feel disrespected, hurt, frustrated, and really irritated!" I need you to give me more warning. I also need you to get more
assertive with your boss. I feel like she's running my and Annie's life,
because you choose not to draw the line with her."
Pat's false self
(defensively, voice rising) - "I suppose you never had things
change suddenly without being able to control anything, eh? Remember all
the times you ...?"
Your Self (calmly)
- "You need me to acknowledge that you couldn't forecast this client's
call and the demand from your boss." (empathic
listening, not agreeing.)
Pat's false self
(feeling heard and affirmed) - "Yeah! (pause) I don't like last
minute changes either, but I really don't have a choice here."
Your Self - "Well,
I see it differently. At the least, you could confront your boss factually
with your having an important commitment with your daughter, and then
brainstorming a compromise. You also could have called me right away, and
given me more warning of your choice to change our plans, so I could change
mine."
Inner Critic - "Way
to go!" (Other subselves listen and agree)
Doubter - "Easy
does it! You know how unreasonable Pat can get if s/he feels
guilty... Are you overdoing the confrontation thing here?"
Your Self - "No.
This has to stop."
Pat's false self -
"Well, I'll try. Look, I really have to start on this report, so would
you tell Annie that I'm sorry that..."
Inner Judge - "
'Well, I'll try' - what an indecisive weasel!"
Your Self - "Two
things before you go. I need to sit down with you and work toward changing
visitations. I'm not sure you're aware how often you abort, and how that
affects Annie and me. I know you don't have time to talk right now. Please
check your schedule and call me about whether you can work on this with me
next Tuesday or Thursday night, OK?"
Pat's false self -
"You want to change visitation again? You know we've been over
and over this. I don't think we need to change anything."
Your Self -
"I know we've struggled. This is my need, Pat..."
Inner Judge - "Tell
Pat how unreliable and irresponsible s/he's been!"
Your Self - "Not
right now. That'll only cause defensiveness, and get in the way." "Will you let me know if you can talk next Tuesday or Thursday -
say 8:00 or so?"
Pat's true Self
- "Yeah, OK.... You said there were two things?"
Your Self -
"Yes. I'd like you to explain to Annie what's happened here. While you
do that, I have to call Sal on the other line and say that our
dinner's off."
Pat's false self - (feeling
guilty and defensive) "OK, put her on..."
Your Self (holding
out the phone) - "Annie Hon, our plans have to change. Come and talk,
OK?"
Notice the themes of this vignette:
Your subselves
trusted your Self to handle this unexpected situation. They were
relatively quiet, and didn't interrupt, babble all at once ("mind
churning") or take control as in the first example
above.
Your true Self was
(=/=), direct, and
with Pat, vs. aggressive ("I'm 1-up
on you") or submissive
("I'm 1-down").
Your Self used several
effective-communication skills
with other subselves, Pat, and Annie:
and assertion.
Your Self intentionally
stayed focused on the present and near future, and on
and didn't allow other
subselves to blame, complain, name-call,
or rehash the past. Your Self was clear and decisive with Pat and your
protective Inner Judge, which avoided escalating into a lose-lose
argument (power struggle) or a relationship triangle;
With the counsel of your
subself, your Self stayed
balanced,
and attended the immediate needs of you, Pat, Annie, and Sal; and...
By calmly proposing several
specific times, your Self laid the groundwork for you to
declare your boundary with Pat about aborted visitations with
your daughter. Between now and the meeting, your subselves will need
to debate what options you and Pat have, what you need, and any
consequences you'll need to assert if Pat chooses not to change.
Can you imagine having this kind of Self-managed conversation with your ex
(or other people)? Notice with interest what your inner voices are
now. Which subselves
are expressing themselves?
Pause and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you need?
Recap
Interpersonal "boundaries" are limits we set un/consciously
with ourselves and others to regulate our comfort level and behaviors. The line between behaviors we will and won't tolerate in
ourselves and others without a significant reaction form our boundaries.
Marital separation and divorce require both of you ex mates to set new boundaries
with yourselves, your kids, and each other. If your ex mate isn't respecting
your boundaries enough, there are at least ten surface problems you
can focus on. I propose that two
primary
problems cause them all: (1) false-self wounds and (2) unawareness of them
and
of basic knowledge.
Over time, your patient investment in
can greatly improve the first of these. Working at
developing your communication
knowledge, awareness, and skill, reduces the
second. Other
(temporary)
changes will probably not resolve your boundary problems with your ex
mate (or others), long term.
Setting and enforcing clear boundaries and consequences with your ex works far better if you
intentionally work to reduce distrust,
disrespect,
guilt,
and hostility with him or her
also - for your kids' long-term benefit, and your own.
You can
do these - if you want to!
These become possible if you can shift from
blaming your ex mate to respecting him or her com- passionately as a dignified, worthy,
To do that,
your true Self must consistently
your other subselves.
Feeling compassionate does not mean you have to endure hurtful or
frustrating
behaviors from your former lover!
Also see these similar Solutions articles on setting and
enforcing boundaries with your partner, relatives, and stepkids. This article is Chapter 15 in
the
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/boundaries.htm