Project 10 of 12 - intentionally improve co-parenting cooperation
	9 Ways to Reduce Feeling Too "Controlled" by Your Ex Mate p. 1 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Expert Council

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        This article xxx

        The suggestions below will make more sense after you read ...

• the basic premises underlying the whole solutions series,

• the key ingredients of a healthy relationship and a high-nurturance family,

• this introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours),

• these stepfamily basics and implications,

• the five reasons  divorced-family and stepfamily relationships can be significantly stressful, and the common problems they cause;

• 12 ways co-parents can replace stress with stepfamily harmony and satisfaction,

• perspective on productive or toxic attitudes between divorced parents,

• basic factors that shape the relationship between typical ex mates; and...

• this overview of Project 10 - build an effective co-parenting team.

        Before continuing, pause and say out loud why you're reading this article. What do you need?

  What's the (Surface) Problem?

        Controlling your car to get safely from A to B is a good thing. Controlling your temper in a conflict is usually a social and personal asset. Controlling (guiding) your child's public behavior usually benefits everyone, unless it (or the way you do it) squelches their self esteem, assertiveness, and initiative. These are all examples of you doing the controlling.

        Life turns uncomfortable when you feel controlled by someone or something - yes? Does feeling controlled feel the same to you as being manipulated? My dictionary says manipulation is blatantly or subtly influencing or using another person to fill your needs without caring about their feelings or needs. Does that describe how your ex mate's recent behavior feels at times? In fairness, do you think s/he ever feels controlled by you?

        Can you describe the opposite of "controlling"? How about " mutually respectful negotiation and problem-solving"? That involves both persons wanting to get objectively clear on what they each need, and then brainstorming ways to fill both sets of needs well enough. Such a win-win process typifies true partnership, vs. combat or competition.

        For controlling behavior to occur, the controller must have something the other person wants or needs, and can't easily get somewhere else. Do you agree? Have you ever felt controlled or used by someone you didn't depend on for something? When controlling causes psychological or physical harm, it may be abuse.  

        I've often heard therapy clients complain about a "controlling" co-parent. Despite adult independence from our parents, we still long for their respect, acceptance, concern, and approval - i.e. their unconditional love. When the need for these is greater than dignity and self respect, adult children endure parents' controlling behavior (conditional love) to avoid the pain of realizing they can't feel loved well enough. Do you relate?

        Think of the last time you felt controlled by your ex mate. See if you felt any of these:

hurt powerless resigned

irritated or angry helpless numb

frustrated weak, incompetent rebellious, aggressive

As long as your youngest child lives, you can't end the relationship with your ex mate. You want to have at least a civil co-parenting relationship with them for your son's or daughter's sakes. It's hard to be genuinely civil (respectful) if your ex-husband or ex-wife insists on controlling (disrespecting) you.

You are (Probably) Half the Problem

        When a divorced parent repeatedly needs to control their ex, relationship problems escalate because disrespect promotes disrespect in return. For instance: your ex tries to control you (or you perceive that's what s/he's doing). You feel the things above, and you...

        Reactions like these are apt to provoke antagonism, scorn, and counter-attacks, not compassion, empathy, and cooperation. This disrespect spiral will escalate until you both say "Enough! We and our kids are all losers in this endless cycle of hurt, resentment, and retaliation. Something has to change!" 

        The probable reality is that you both are causing the "control problem." If you're the wounded survivor of a low-nurturance childhood, your response to this premise will probably be indignation, righteous anger, disagreement, a blast of toxic guilt, or "nothing" (numbness). What are you feeling now?

         This disrespect > disrespect spiral gets more complex if one or more other co-parents (e.g. a stepparent) and their kids are affected by it.

        So if you're feeling "too controlled" by your ex mate...

  What are the Primary Problems?

        Whether your ex mate's controlling behavior is subtle or glaring, it implies that s/he sees no other way to fill her or his primary needs. Paradoxically, "control freaks" are usually controlled by reactive subselves who don't know these effective-communication skills. 

        Reality check: what would you guess your ex mate would say to a neutral person about get her or his co-parenting needs met by you? How much of this view is based on past history, and how much on recent interactions? 

        My 27 years' clinical training and experience, and 19 years' wound-recovery, lead me to suspect that you both contribute to the "control problem" by one or more of these:

Your Ex Mate... doesn't know yet that a false self controls her or his thoughts and behaviors; doesn't know what their primary needs of you are, or how to assert them firmly and respectfully from his or her true Self; doesn't know the seven  communication skills, so s/he can't problem-solve effectively with you - specially co-parenting values conflicts; and/or s/he... may be blocked in grieving major divorce-related losses, and not know it or what to do about it; and your ex... may be shame-based, and unconsciously gets defensive and/or scared if ideas like these are respectfully suggested to him/her.

You are significantly wounded, and don't know it, or aren't healing yet; your basic attitude about your ex mate is critical, antagonistic, contempt, or pity (communication R-message: "I'm 1-up"); vs. detached compassion. By thinking or saying that "s/he's controlling,"  you automatically put yourself in a "1-up" position; and/or you... aren't aware of your communication sequence with your ex (above), or how you're responding to your ex's "controlling" behaviors. Test: can you guess the R-message you're ex usually receives from you? And/or you... don't know clearly what your boundaries are with your ex, and/or you don't know how to assert and enforce them firmly and respectfully. any changes you've tried to make in your communication sequence have focused mainly on changing your ex, vs. your attitudes and behaviors; and/or...

Both of you are burdened with some mix of these barriers, and don't know how to reduce them yet; and/or... One or both of you may be unaware of using black/white (two-option) views of complex personal needs and family-relationship conflicts, vs. brainstorming the multiple options that always exist; and/or... One or both of you don't really know what being true teammates feels like. Your lifelong frame of reference is being a pseudo (pretend) teammate or an antagonist. This isn't about stupidity or badness,  it's about never experiencing the satisfaction of genuine, functional, give-and-take partnerships. Do you both want the same things for your child/ren? And/or possibly... One or both of you is easily triggered (unconsciously) into obsessing about past hurts and conflicts between you two, vs. staying focused on co-parenting goals in the present and near future; and/or ...   One or both of you may be unaware of contributing to one or more relationship triangles, which hinder or prevent win-win problem-solving.

        As you decide whether some or all of these are the true roots of your "ex-mate control problem," what are you aware of? Do you accept the ideas above, or are they too uncomfortable and confusing? If so, you're probably ruled by a false self.  

        All these primary problems (added to other current needs) can feel overwhelming. The good news is, you can improve each of the conditions labeled You and "One or both of you" above over time. Take heart - there are lots of ways you can improve your half of your relationship problems with your ex mate! If you change, s/he probably will too (within limits)!

Continued...

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Updated June 30, 2008