The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/control.htm
Continued...
As you experiment with the options below, stay aware of your thoughts and
feelings. If
your
is controlled by
a
those protective subselves
may
fear any changes risk major pain. If so, they will lobby against trying them,
and/or will
sabotage your efforts. Be affectionately alert for
subselves
like your...
("Ridiculous! These New Age psychobabble options will never
work!"),
("I know I'll discover that I have a serious mental illness!"),
("You really think you have what it takes to
make these changes with your idiot ex mate? Dream
on, you idealistic fool!"),
("No way - these 'options' are too complex. They'll take way too
long. We need results NOW!")
Judge ["Come ON - you know this ("control problem") is
all (your ex mate's) fault - we have nothing to do with it!]; And watch
for your ever-busy...
("Well, these ideas may actually help. Let's consider them next
week, after we..."
These are typical
subselves. You may
have others who influence you as you seek changes with your ex mate (or
anyone). Note that
all your subselves really want
to help you - and many are hobbled by narrow views, misperceptions,
ignorance, impulsiveness, and possibly being stuck in the past. Project
1 here provides a way to get to know each subself, and patiently build his or
her trust in your
ability to lead
well in all life situations - including dealing with your ex spouse.
Notice with affectionate interest what your subselves are
now...
Options
To improve your half of your relationship with your ex, experiment with
strategies like these:
1)
Build and keep a
long
term perspective - i.e. the next 15 - 20 years. The real benefits of working patiently at these
options will accrue years from now, not next week. If you're (false self
is) seeking instant gratification, those well-meaning
subselves are unwittingly setting you up for frustration and disappointment;
2)
Assess your kids'
status with their many maturation and family-adjustment needs Then negotiate
co-parenting
with your other
family adults to help the kids fill their needs, over time;
3)
If you're ambivalent
or weary working on relationship and personal projects like these, nourish
your motivation by vividly picturing
how you want your children to experience these years of their lives. Imagine asking them when
they're in their 30s or 40s for their honest feedback on how you and your
ex did your co-parenting jobs "back then" (now);
4) Read the
introduction to Project 1, then follow
the steps to
whether you and your
ex are significantly controlled by false selves. This is not about
being bad or crazy, it's about being
If
you are wounded, evolve and work an effective
personal
plan. If your ex mate is
significantly wounded, consider these
options. Doing
this does not mean you have to accept stressful behaviors from
them!
Option 5) Get focused
(undistracted) and read the overview of
Then decide if you want to
learn and use effective-communication
basics
and
to implement these
options with your ex (and other family members). If you do, use the
guidebook
Satisfactions
or these resources; and/or you can ...
6)
Coach
yourself to ...
Separate your relationship
with your
ex into individual targets, rank them, and work on few
at a time. I suggest you start with reducing
disrespect;
Stay focused on the present and future, rather
than the past or the future;
Stay compassionately
of
whether you're trying to change your ex (which will probably breed resentment
and resistance), or yourself. Focus on improving what's under
your
your attitudes and behavior!
Try out the belief that "My best chance to get my ex to
change is to want to change
myself!"
Clarify, affirm, and work to live by your
Personal
Bill of Rights, as you improve
your
boundaries with your ex and other
aggressive people - including kids and your own parents!;
Learn what a
is. (Can
you define that now?) Then use this communication
technique to
learn how you and your ex mate usually react to
co-parenting values conflicts. If your way doesn't qualify as
communication,
use these blocks and
tips to get more of your needs met.
Clarify how you've reacted
recently to inevitable family
and associated
relationship
with your ex. Review
the Web articles for each of these, and try some of their options for
improving your outcomes.
Stay alert for black/white
thinking: assuming that there are
only two solutions to any problem (right/wrong,
good/bad, my way/your way). There are always many
options!
Two-option thinking usually indicates a protective false self is
controlling you (or anyone).
Three more options for reducing the root problems causing your ex-mate
"over-control" frustrations:
7)
Review
these proposed requisites for a
healthy
relationship. Then review the differences
between typical surface needs, and underlying
Then familiarize
yourself with how to
to discern
primary needs. Use this information to honestly assess...
"What does my ex need from me recently
- specifically? Is s/he usually satisfied (filling her needs)?";
and ...
"What do I really need from
my ex? If I'm not getting my primary needs
met, am I
my needs and
clearly and respectfully to my ex?"
(You may need objective help with this one.)
Option 8) Seek
effective inner and outer
for
yourself, and
as you
work at changing yourself over time. Stay alert for chances to
affirm your efforts, even in small daily increments, and see "mistakes"
as valuable chances to learn. Affirming can be
thinking or journaling something like "I feel good/proud that
I asserted myself respectfully and firmly on the phone with
(your ex). I remembered to use
to lower her/his
and held my ground when s/he resisted. Good for me!"
Have some fun surprising
your ex with some small genuine affirmations of them, too ("Thanks
for hearing me out, just now / ...being on time again / ... coming
to the school conference / ...") Expect distrust - and keep at
it!
9)
Print
this and any relevant linked Web articles. Offer copies* to your ex, key
relatives, older kids, and any professionals involved, including clergy,
to help them understand what you're trying to do here, and why. Highlight
and edit the articles - make them yours. Use them as progress
yardsticks, inspirations, and re-motivators, over time.
Did you realize how many choices you have toward improving your half of your
co-parenting relationship with your ex mate? A final option is to
remind yourself along the way that you
and your ex are each responsible for identifying and filling your own needs.
Periodically draw on these wise
and the
Dalai Lama's wisdom.
Recap
I assume you've read this because you feel your (or someone's) ex mate is too
"controlling." Control generally means the co-parent feels their ex mate is trying selfishly to get their own needs met
without caring how that feels. Because divorced parents
remain linked by their living kids for decades, a "contro-lee" can't just
ignore their "controller."
This article proposes that "controlling" behavior in your ex is really
an interactive cycle of actions and responses between both of you -
i.e. that you both contribute
to this and
The
article suggests specific ways that each of you
may contribute, and
nine options for changing your half of this cycle.
In the real world, you may choose to try these options, and find
that your ex's need to be "control-ling" doesn't seem to change. If
so, it probably confirms that s/he is significantly
- which you didn't
cause, and cannot change. You still have many
options.
|
The most powerful thing you can do with this and other "ex-mate
relationship problems"
is to want to change your attitude about your kids' other parent
from antagonistic, scornful, critical, and superior to compassionate. At the least, that will strengthen your self respect, help your child/ren,
and may pro-mote future relationship improvements. Resistance to this
suggests you're held hostage by a false self, and don't know it. |
The guidebook to co-parent
describes and
illustrates a powerful way of accomplishing that pivotal
(attitude)
change. It focuses on empowering your
to lead and harmonize your
Do you know the
that your Self
(capital "S") consistently managing your life these days?
Did you get what you needed from reading this article? If not - what
you need?
Who's answering - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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