Project 10 of 12 - intentionally improve co-parenting cooperation
	Raise Ex Mates' Communication Effectiveness - p. 1 of 3 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Expert Council

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        This article outlines options for improving communications between separated, divorced, and re/-married co-parents. I draw on over 40 years' experience studying and teaching communication skills for what follows.

        To get the most from this article, first read...

• this 3-page article on improving communications with any adult or child;

• this summary of seven powerful communication skills you can learn (and teach your kids);

• these articles on common communication blocks (problems) and tips for better outcomes; and...

• these slide presentations on effective communication and problem-solving.

        My client "Sally" was a well-educated mother of two in her forties, remarried for seven years to the divorced superintendent of a large urban school district. She and her husband "Ed" had recently separated because of “tensions between Ed and my (15-year old, resident) son Jason.”

        Sally shook her head as she described a recent phone conversation with Ed: “All he could do was rant about how rude my son is, and how unfair I am by siding with Jason when he (Ed) points out his rudeness. I finally hung up on him.”

        I asked “What do you feel Ed needed from you in that conversation?” She frowned and shrugged. “Ed didn’t want to problem-solve, he wanted me to admit that I’m unfair, my son is ungrateful and bad, and he’s a noble martyr.” I had witnessed both of these veteran parents trying to express their feelings and needs to each other.

        When talking about co-parenting issues or her anxiety about Ed’s drinking, they were about a “2” on an effectiveness scale of 1 (low) to 10. Their second marriage appeared to be psychologically dying or dead in their late middle age. I judged both adults to be significantly-wounded survivors of low-nurturance childhoods, and neither realized it, or what that meant – so far.

        This couple typified the hundreds of divorced and/or re/married co-parents I’ve consulted with since 1981: they fought, argued, preached, explained, debated, blamed, hinted, threatened, demanded, and/or avoided – and couldn’t problem-solve as mutually-respectful co-parents trying to help their bewildered, needy kids.

Prepare

        If you’re already committed to harmonizing your personality (co-parent Project 1) and to growing facile with the seven Project-2 communication skills, you can probably skip this article. Otherwise, you probably don’t know what you don’t know about these vital topics. More on that below.

        Next, confirm a key prerequisite: do you genuinely feel that both bioparents of each of your minor kids are full, legitimate members of your (potential) co-parenting team? Restated: do you firmly accept that each ex mate who co-conceived each of your kids deserves to have his or her needs, opinions, and values honored equally to your own - whether they’re actively co-parenting or not? If you don’t, I urge you to stop reading and do Project 3.  If you or your mate reject a child’s “other parent/s” from belonging to your stepfamily, you’ll get much less from this article and series.

        All people - and personality subselves - communicate to fill two to six current, dynamic needs.  Your communication is effective (vs. “open and honest”) when

• each of you feels your needs got filled well enough,

• in a way you each feel good about. Can you name the six needs yet?

Symptoms of Communication "Problems"

        “Communication problems” aren’t stand-alone relationship stressors. They promote, and are promoted by, most of these co-parent teamwork barriers.  To assess whether “serious communication problems” are a major team-building barrier among you co-parents, focus on the relationship between your kids’ divorced parents, and scan these common communication blocks. Then see how many of these symptoms fit any of you caregivers recently: I or we often…

Bottom line: if you co-parents have many of the blocks, and “too many“ of these symptoms “too often,” then ineffective communication is hinderinhg the teamwork your kids need from you adults. These symptoms arise from…

Two Primary Problems

        When divorced bioparents and any stepparent/s like Ed and his estranged wife (and you?) have "communication problems,” they're usually unaware of two underlying problems:

1) One or more of you are often ruled by a false self.  This can be assessed  and significantly healed over time via co-parent Project 1 or equivalent; and...

2) You and/or your ex have probably been unaware of…

• these basic topics; and…

• your personality subselves,  and who's been leading them; and…

• these communication basics and typical blocks; and...

• the vital difference between how you communicate, and what you communicate about; and...

• how your inner-family conflicts  cause and shape your interpersonal conflicts (below); and…

• the three kinds of conflicts (concrete resources, abstract topics like values and opinions, and communication needs),  and how to identify and resolve each of them effectively; and…

• the four sets of requisites for a healthy relationship (vs. "friendship"); and…

• the difference between your surface needs and your primary needs.

    And your conflicted co-parents (and others) are probably often unaware of...

• why denied shame will always hinder effective communication until you choose to identify it, own it, and convert it  to genuine self respect and non-elitist pride. Many average co-parents appear to be shame-based  and don't know it. And you may be unaware of…

• the vital difference between fighting or arguing and win-win problem solving;  and…

• how typical " male brains" and "female brains" perceive the world, and automatically process information, very differently [See Moir and Jessel, and Deborah Tannen]; and also…

• the dynamic multi-level process occurring in and between any two people all the time; and how to talk together about your internal and interpersonal processes as "=/="  (mutually respectful) co-parenting partners.

The good news: motivation to learn about these communication barriers - and willingness to try new behaviors - can eliminate each of them. A powerful motivation is your wish to teach your kids how to communicate effectively.

# Status Check

        Take a moment to assess where you stand now: T="True," F="False," and ?="I'm not sure," or "It depends on..." (what?)

I feel a mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene, purposeful, and clear, so my true Self (capital "S") is probably leading my other subselves (personality) now. (T  F ?)

On a scale of 1 (consistently ineffective) to 10 (consistently effective),  I feel the recent communications between ex mates and any stepparents in our family is about a ____. (Option: use a range, like “4 to 6”)

I can clearly describe_ what a true Self and false self are, _ the six false-self wounds that most co-parents are burdened with, _ how they hinder effective communication, and _ what the main steps are in Project 1. (T  F ?)

I can clearly describe _ co-parent Project 2,  _ the seven communication skills,  and _ how the skills relate to each other now. (T  F ?)

Each ex mate and other co-parent in our family can describe these clearly now.
(T  F ?)

On a scale of 1 (totally indifferent) to 10 (strongly motivated), my drive to do Project 2 now with or without my co-parenting partners is a __.

On the same scale, I’d rate the Project-2 motivation of each (other) ex mate in our family as a __ and __.

My current motivation to become aware of each item above is about a __ now.

I can describe clearly what I hope to get from reading this article. (T  F ?)

I agree that building an effective co-parenting team for our kids depends directly on how well we adults can communicate and problem-solve with each other and each child. (T  F ?)

If there’s something blocking me and/or any of our co-parents from working to improve our communication, I know clearly _ what it is, and _ how to improve or eliminate it. (T  F ?)

I believe we co-parents can significantly improve our communication effectiveness over time if we _ want to, and _ can agree on a viable plan to do so, like Project 2.
(T  F ?)

I am teaching the young people in my life how to communicate and problem-solve effectively now. (T  F ?)

Reflect for a moment… What did you just learn?

        You can intentionally improve your communication effectiveness (get more mutual needs met more often) by helping each other do Project 1 (healing your inner wounds) and Project 2 (learning seven skills)  together, over time. Yes, these are long, multi-step projects! The alternative is frequent fights, hurts, and frustrations (unmet needs) - and a low family nurturance level, which will wound your kids.

        As long as you defer or "sort of" commit to these two vital projects, your family relationships are likely to be superficial or stressful. If you are motivated to do Projects 1 and 2 now, invest in this guidebook or study these Project-2 articles. As you ex mates and any stepparents progress on these two foundation projects together, you’ll find the other 11 co-parent projects, and resolving your mix of the common stepfamily problems, significantly easier!

        I suspect that no one has showed you the powerful connection between your personality subselves and your co-parenting conflicts. If not, adopt the objective “mind of a student,” and explore how false-self wounds block communication...

Continue with page 2.

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Updated June 30, 2008