normal personality subselves (like yours) -
slides or
text;
an overview of the
[wounds + unawareness]
stressing most families;
basic premises underlying this
site, and about ex mates'
attitudes and
relationships;
frameworks for
analyzing and
resolving
typical relationship problems;
key requisites for a mutually
satisfying relationship
and a
family;
common
relationship barriers among members
of low-nurturance families;
perspective on
family secrets,
and...
basic
perspective on dishonesty
- what causes it, and ways to reduce it.
This Solutions article
builds on the resource above, and offers
(a) perspective on
honesty between ex mates, and (b) options toward improving it.
Special Honesty Issues with Divorcing Parents
This site proposes four common
dishonesty problems among family members (and others):
-
a
is
dishonest with themselves (e.g. denials, repressions, and distortions);
-
they fear to tell some
truth/s to another person because of various perceived dangers;
-
they see someone else being
dishonest to an adult or child, and...
-
someone accuses them of
lying when they're telling the truth.
Premise - most ex mates
with kids must maintain a relationship even if they dislike, disrespect,
and/or distrust each other - at least until their youngest child lives
independently. Divorce suggests they were unable to maintain a
relationship for various reasons. Childless ex mates are freer to end their
relationship and have little or no contact, after any legal settlement
process completes.
Many
and re/married American
parents have significant relationship problems that hinder
These can range up to nine concurrent, interactive
Typical ex mates don't know how to assess
and/or resolve these
stressors - otherwise, they would have done so before splitting up.
The two barriers co-causing all the
others are (significant psychological
+
in one or (usually) both ex mates.
Where this is so, residual
disrespect and dislike can amplify mutual distrust, and hinder
forgiveness and regrowing
trust. Implication - if you and/or your ex have a significant
dishonesty (trust) problem, work at assessing and reducing all the
barriers
Stepfamily Dishonesty
A unique problem occurs if a
stepparent resents their mate's ex
Secrets and lying between ex mates
and other adults are surface problems. The primary problems are (a) what causes the
need for secrecy, (b) how this need is being managed, and (c) the impacts of
secrecy on personal self-respect and co-parental trust and cooperation. Many
unaware self-helpers fruitlessly urge ex mates to have “open and
honest communications.” If typical ex mates were motivated to
do that, they might not have divorced!
Suggestions
Read this article on co-parent
barriers, and this one on
dishonesty. Follow the links and
options in each of them. Also review these articles on
improving relationships and
communication outcomes. Help each other
acknowledge that "lying" or "dishonesty" is often a symptom of feeling
unsafe to tell the truth to yourself and/or other people.
Recap
This article is one of a
series on relationships between ex
mates and other family adults. It proposes that "dishonesty problems" don't
stand alone but are part of up to
in typical divorcing and step families.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect -
why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/dishonesty.htm