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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article...
The ideas and options below will make more sense after you
read ...
-
the basic
premises
underlying this nonprofit site,
-
the
core ingredients of a
healthy
relationship and a
high-nurturance family,
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves,
-
the
most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are
significantly
stressful, and
the common
they cause,
-
co-parents can
avoid or reduce these problems,
-
perspective on productive
attitudes
between divorced parents (and later, stepparents);
-
key
factors that shape the relationship between typical ex mates;
and...
-
this
gateway to
co-parent team-building.
Think of a past or present
child-nurturer you know whom you strongly
admire, and who is justifiably proud of their ability to
Note whether you respect them as a person, in their role
as a parent,
or both. Did you include yourself as a candidate?
Marital separation
and
usually follow a gradual shift in one or both partners. Part of this
complex shift is that courtship admiration and approval
change into disrespect
and contempt in (a) one or several roles like lover, provider,
partner, wo/man, parent, and friend, or in (b) all these roles
("I've lost all respect for Alex as a person.") Can you think of a
more potent barrier to co-parenting co-operation after divorce than disrespect?
Consulting with
hundreds of divorced and re/married couples since 1981, I’ve heard a rich medley
of ex-mate descriptors like Fang, the claw, psycho bitch,
idiot, bastard, compulsive liar, irresponsible,
crazy, uncaring, selfish, malicious, insensitive, abusive, stupid,
ignorant, hopeless, wacko, heartless, and evil. I’ve also heard ex
mates described as “a really good parent, but a lousy mate.” These are attitudes
(good-bad judgments) about the adult's worth as a person and/or as
a co-parent.
Note your reaction. If
one or both divorced parents disrespects the other and/or themselves,
they and their kids will have ongoing communication and relationship
problems. These conflicts compound if a new (stepparent) partner disrespects an
ex mate, or vice versa. Reducing disrespect between a stepchild and a stepparent
is an important separate issue.
Disrespect
has different roots and a different "cure" than
distrust,
envy,
indifference, frustration, and
hostility.
Conflicted people who don’t separate these feel
dislike, which can
seem immune to change (“I just have bad chemistry with Louis.”) Note that at times, “disrespect” for another person blooms when
you don’t
your own values, needs, and
with them
respectfully. Would you agree that
disrespect promotes disrespect in return?
Is
disrespect
a significant barrier to co-parenting
in your
multi-home family now? There are potentially up to four basic problems to
solve: (a) one or (b) both ex mates disrespect (c) themselves and/or (d) each other.
The principles are the same if a stepparent disrespects themselves
and/or their partner’s ex spouse, and vice versa. See the
Project-1
guidebook or these
articles for options on
converting
(self-disrespect) into self
love.
This article proposes options for intentionally
re/growing respect or compassion for each of your kids’ nurturers,
despite major disputes, past hurts, and dislike. The more you all value
and work at this together, the greater your combined abilities to help your kids
with their daunting array of developmental
and special needs.
The
article explores options for (a) converting disdain for another co-parent into
compassion, while asserting firm limits with them; and (b) intentionally earning the respect of another co-parent.
To begin, learn
about yourselves:
Draw a “Respect Map”
Take undistracted
time to draw a co-parent “respect map." Start by assessing who's
guiding your
now...
I feel
a mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused,
resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert,
aware, serene, purposeful, and clear, so my
is presiding now. (True False
Not Sure) If s/he isn’t, I suggest
focusing on
your inner-family
leader before doing this exercise. See
Your “co-parenting team” can include two or more adults who are nurturing
your dependent kids part-time or full-time. To identify your team, draw your
version of this nuclear-stepfamily
If you don’t want to include some child/ren or a
co-parent, see
and
Imagine the
custodial, visiting, and/or grown child/ren in all your lives to be standing in
a line, gazing at all you co-parents in another line facing them. How would that
feel?
On a blank page,
write the first name or initials of each co-parent in your generation who
now significantly affects your life, your child/ren’s lives, or your
current partner’s life. Include any that aren’t yet remarried, and any who
have died. Arrange the initials in a triangle (three people), square (four)
or a circle (more) several inches wide. Now draw a line between each pair of
co-parents, representing the relationship between them. If you have five
caregivers,
you’ll have (5 x 4) / 2) = 10 lines.
Using a scale of
1 (total disrespect) to 10 (steady high
respect), thoughtfully put a number on each end of each line to represent your
opinion of how much that person recently respects the other in the
role of
co-parent. If you’re not sure, put a range (e.g. “3-5”) or “?” Take your
time, and notice how you feel as you do this. This co-parent-respect rating may or may not be the same as the respect-rating you’d use for
person
or wo/man.
Now guess how each
person recently respects themselves
as a co-parent, and circle that (1 to
10) next to each name or initials. Option: distinguish between respect as
a (a) bioparent and a (b) stepparent, if a person has both roles.
Using
your diagram, identify disrespect problems worth working on together by pondering questions like these:
Who has the lowest and
highest respect for (a) themselves and (b) another co-parent in our family?
Would I say the average
respect among all of us is _ low, _ moderate, or _ high?
What does that mean
for our dependent kids, long range? Option: review this
summary of kid's developmental and
family-adjustment tasks before answering.
If I feel that one or more of us co-parents needs
to raise our respect for another co-parent for our kids’ sakes, who?
How do I feel about the
likelihood of that happening now? (pessimistic to optimistic, 1 to 10)?
If raising co-parental
respect seems unlikely, what are the main barriers? To what extent can I
and/or my partner/s reduce them?
If none of us tries to
improve our co-parenting respect for (a) ourselves and (b) each other, will I feel
content or regretful in old age?
What might happen if I
called us all together in person or by phone (conference call) to (a) describe
this exercise, (b) ask other co-parents do their own version, and (c) work
together with the results, for our kids’ sakes?
Take a moment to notice your thoughts and feelings
now. What are you
aware of? Option: for balance and perspective, fill out this inventory of
co-parent strengths now.
Because this is a
complex subject and space is limited, the rest of this article is in
semi-outline form.
Premises
Your co-parents’
versions of these basic beliefs will profoundly affect your family
relationships, satisfactions, and nurturance level. See where you stand on each
of these: I A(gree) D(isagree) am U(nsure), or I(ndifferent)
Members of an
effective team
need to have steady high respect for (a) themselves and (b) each other in their
if not as persons. ( A D U I )
Each member
(a) needs to be
clear on their responsibilities to the team (their role), and (b) is
responsible for their own self respect in their role. ( A D U
I )
Respect
must be earned,
vs. demanded or expected. Perceived disrespect automatically breeds hurt, anger,
distrust, and reciprocal disrespect. ( A D U I )
It’s hard to respect a person
who disrespects and
themselves. Many typical divorced and re/married
co-parents are
people from
childhoods. They (you)
can intentionally change self-disrespect (shame and guilt) into genuine self
esteem over time, via true
from false-self
wounds
( A D U
I )
Many divorced parents
disrespect themselves and each other as (a) persons and (b) caregivers because
they caused their kids significant pain and loss, and feel they “failed” at marriage and
family-building. ( A D U I ) Note the difference between disrespect and
It’s hard to respect yourself
in a role (like bioparent, stepparent, and child of divorce)
that you (a) don‘t want, (b) don’t understand, and/or (c) feel overwhelmed by.
( A D U I )
Divorced and re/wedded co-parents often disagree
on (a) their definition of “good
and (b) “who among us is ‘supposed to’
do what for our kids?”
Minor kids depend on all you co-parents to want to resolve serious
family role confusions and conflicts, though they can’t say so.
( A D U I ) Option: read about co-parent
and
More basics premises...
Anyone
can raise their
self-respect in a role or as a person if (a) they commit to that and
(b) their Self
their
( A
D U I ) See
this and Project-1
True self respect depends on
a person’s
genuinely respecting the abilities, values, goals, and
leadership of their
true Self and each
other subself. ( A D U I )
Not confronting a co-parent
you disrespect lowers (a) your self respect and (b) your family’s
and (c) may
hinder the other person from awareness and growth. ( A D U I ) Avoiding
confrontation (assertion) is called
(another's wounds). Common examples are fearing to (respectfully) confront a co-parent about
false-self
wounds, child abuse, law-breaking,
or an
Deciding
whether to respect a
co-parent depends partly on understanding and accepting their personal
limitations (like psychological
and
( A D
U I ) In my
27-year clinical experience,
over 75% of typical divorced
parents carry significant wounds from a low-nurturance
childhood, and don't (want to) know that.
Respecting a co-parent’s
role
performance ("s/he's a good/bad parent") will be significantly affected by your and their basic
(unconscious) attitudes. You can
your attitude if
your
Self is solidly in charge of your other subselves (personality). ( A
D U I )
Disrespect is different than
distrust, hostility, disinterest, and
envy.
Each of these is healed differently. They can combine into
dislike. ( A D U
I )
Short
and long term, compassion is more effective than disrespect. If compassion and
empathy are genuine
(vs. dutiful or strategic), they promote respectful confrontations
and
Empathy and
compassion
are respectful. Pity can feel insulting (1-up). ( A D U
I )
Disrespecting
(a) yourself
and/or (b) another co-parent will degrade
and problem-solving among you all. Co-parents constantly evaluate each other’s
respect via the 1-up, =/=, or 1-down
embedded in every perceived behavior.
( A D U I )
A final foundation premise…
| Co-parents who don’t
genuinely respect (a) themselves and/or (b) each other unintentionally
promote significant anxiety, anger, and shame in their dependent kids. They can’t
tell you this directly unless they develop adult self-awareness. ( A D U
I ) |
Have you ever
considered the vital role that respect plays in your family (and other)
relationships? Did your childhood caregivers respect (a) themselves and
(b) each
other as (c) parents and (d) persons? How each of your co-parents feels about
premises like these forms your multi-home family’s unspoken
“respect policy” (rules
and attitudes about respect). It can silently nurture or wound you all, day
by day...
Options:
Convert Your Disrespect for Another
The basic premise
here is: "It is (a) possible and
(b) desirable to work toward changing disrespect
for another co-parent into at least compassion, while asserting and
enforcing clear boundaries with them respectfully. Doing this will
probably raise your family's
and your self respect, over time.
If you disagree, is that your true Self's opinion, or another subself?
These
options are a buffet of choices to select from, in order or not. They’re written
assuming the person you're focusing on is your or your partner’s ex mate. If
not, change “the ex” to “the (disrespected) co-parent” and adapt the buffet
to fit.
Option 1)
Do a
Self
check. In my experience, people unaware they're being controlled by a protective,
narrow-minded false self have difficulty feeling
genuine respect,
empathy, and compassion for (a) themselves and (b) other wounded co-parents. If
you’re unsure who’s in charge of your subselves (personality), use
and
this to get a
preliminary reading. For more clarity and options for Self-empowerment,
use the Project-1
guidebook or
these articles and worksheets.
2)
the
scorned co-parent for
Read about
coping with a wounded ex, and invest
in Who’s
Really Running Your Life? This option is just
as critical as your checking to see if your Self guides your other subselves. If you identify and
accept your own wounds, you’re far more likely to see and empathize with
the other co-parent’s wounds and
related behaviors. Do you agree?
3) Build a new image: If you
conclude that your disrespected co-parent is probably or surely a
significantly-wounded person...
Identify the adjectives you've
been semi-consciously using to describe this co-parent recently. Favorites I've heard
include lazy, irresponsible, untruthful, wimpy, stupid, undependable, selfish,
controlling, manipulating, crazy, hopeless, weak, untrustworthy, unfeeling,
rigid, domineering, bitchy, childish, sick,...
Confront the
reality that thinking, speaking,
and writing these adjectives nourishes your contempt. Which comes first:
choosing new adjectives, or changing your attitude to compassion? Possible new
adjectives: burdened, wounded, unaware, hurt, scared, shamed,
guilty, confused, overwhelmed, orphaned, neglected, stuck, distracted,
self-doubting, isolated,...
Get clear on the
difference between the ex mate's past behaviors,
and their human dignity - i.e. their
potential high worth. Their
actions may have hurt, frustrated,
disappointed, and betrayed you or beloved others. Their potential for good in
the world, their worth, has been blocked by their wounds and unawareness,
through no fault of theirs or yours.
Try the idea that your ex
mate's hurtful attitudes and actions were and are controlled by a protective
which
s/he hasn't known, and couldn't help (so far). Review
these typical
and wonder which of your ex mate's subselves caused
her or his hurtful actions. You have a right to dislike their actions, but understand where
they came from before you condemn the ex as a bad co-parent or person...
Get undistracted and centered, and
experience some images.
Notice your thoughts and feelings as you do, without judgment. Option: have
someone neutral read these out loud slowly, pausing between
each image…
-
Imagine an uncut diamond, covered
with mud, crust, and filth, buried in the earth. Reflect: is this a bad
diamond? Picture the diamond being unearthed, cleaned, expertly cut and lovingly
polished, over time. Vividly see its brilliant sparkle in the sunlight...
-
Imagine a hard-shelled seed
buried in the earth. Sense the potential within the seed for vibrant shoots of
new life. Imagine being the seed, waiting for the right conditions that
will cause your shell to split, and the miracle of unique life within you to
instinctively thrust up through the darkness toward the light and air...
-
Vividly imagine the ex mate you disrespect as a child
- bewildered, needy, scared, and alone. Imagine her or him trying to survive
(vs. thrive) with too few of the nourishments s/he needed.
-
Imagine this young person splitting into a group of children: one
one
one confused, one guilty, one
hurt and angry, one very lonely, and perhaps
one feeling
and hopeless. Image this child's young Self trying
to coordinate and lead all of these related kids without enough wise,
compassionate adult
guidance. All of these kids (just like yours) longed for love, safety,
comfort, hugs, affirmation, companionship, and encouragement. Their wounded, distracted, unaware adults
couldn’t supply enough of these.
Picture the group dressed in
rags, gaunt, filthy, with festering sores, banding together alone in a
menacing, unpredictable world. Picture the ex mate's real-life childhood
caregivers being unable to see this invisible band of young ones they were
living with. Now imagine a crowd of protective
emerging and surrounding this group of
young kids. Imagine the Guardians seeing that the ex's young true Self
wasn't yet wise enough to be trusted with the little band's comfort or safety.
Picture the Guardians paralyzing or overwhelming the inept Self, and perhaps the
child’s
subself - maybe even entombing them for
more safety.
Imagine the real child becoming
used to seeing the world through the narrow, reactive ideas of these Guardian
subselves
and relying on their emotions and biased judgments to survive. Now see this band of vulnerable
kids and Guardians evolving over the years, as the ex mate's body matured.
Some of these
and Guardian subselves weren’t aware of the years
passing. New Guardians evolved to handle new social situations and adult
responsibilities. The Guardians became used to controlling (protecting) their
group of (inner) kids, believing no other leadership could safely protect them
from more pain, loss, terror, and death. The disrespected ex mate's Self and Spirit
languished in their prison.
If you
disrespect your ex mate,
remember falling in love with the seductive, charming, appealing mask that these
Guardians had cleverly fashioned to protect their band of shamed, guilty, sad,
lonely, confused, angry kids. Understand that much your lives together after
your vows were probably unconsciously governed by the perceptions and
needs of your and your ex mate's
Inner children and
Guardian subselves -
not your
true Selves.
Finally,
imagine the ex
mate's true Self imprisoned deep within them, waiting to be set free. Perhaps yours is too.
Recall that true (vs. pseudo)
can
free
your Self to lead and harmonize your inner crew over time, once the
person commits to personal healing. If your
subself declares
something like “That will never happen in this lifetime!”, don’t
buy it! Consider: typical 12-step meetings are full of people who were once
thought hopelessly "out of control" and “sick” (i.e. wounded).
Continue
with six more options...
