Option 10) When you next talk
with the ex mate, vividly imagine their voice, and appearance, to be a disguise
that has been forced on her or him by protective subselves. Keep a
vision clear of this ex's true Self waiting to be freed to
their other
If you choose, share some or all of these ideas and options with the ex when
(a) s/he’s
receptive and (b) you're both undistracted. See what happens, over time.
11) Study these other
with this
co-parent
in mind. Working patiently to improve each of these nurturance-blockers can help you
replace scorn for an ex mate with real compassion and respectful boundaries.
12)
If these options don’t shift
your disrespect toward compassion, re-do
option 1: one or more subselves don't yet
feel it's safe and/or right ("fair"), to feel real
compassion for this wounded ex spouse. If true, this suggests you have more work
to do on harmonizing your inner crew via
("parts
work"). Options:
-
Read these inner-family
basics and
this series of articles for context and background;
or invest in the guidebook
Who's
Really Running Your Life? It integrates the key
Project-1 Web articles and worksheets in this site.
-
Meditate and invite the subselves who don't
want to feel compassion for
the ex to identify themselves, via an image, a "voice," (thought stream), or
an emotional feeling. They may be paired
and
protective
subselves.
-
(Your Self)
invite each resistant subself to tell you (via thoughts, images, memories, "senses,"...)
why compassion for the ex seems an unsafe or unfair choice now.
-
Assess whether the (or each)
scared subself is living in the past or the present. Ask it "What year is it
now?" and trust the first answer that appears in your consciousness, no
matter how unlikely. Trust your Self and other
to safely brainstorm a safe, effective
way to invite subselves trapped in the
past to join you in the present.
-
Be alert
that some subselves still don't trust your Self, other Regular subselves, or other people to
guard you against some harm the ex
mate might inflict. If so, educate these distrustful personality-parts on how you're going
to...
13) Learn
to
and
your
(limits) respectfully with the other co-parent. Note the implication: feeling compassion for
your other
co-parent does not mean condoning harmful parenting behavior or disrespecting
you
or other family members.
Finally, consider your option to...
14)
Invite this
co-parent to join you in this disrespect-conversion project.
This is specially relevant if s/he doesn't respect you as a child-nurturer
or a person (below). A prerequisite is this co-parent being open
to
whether a
false self often
rules them.
Do you think you can learn to convert disrespect
for an ex mate (or anyone) into genuine compassion and empathy? “No,”
probably indicates a distrustful false self controls your personality
now…
How about the other side of the coin?
Consider these options for your...
Earning Another Co-parent’s Respect
Have
you ever intentionally tried to earn someone's respect? Do you know
anyone who has succeeded at this? If not, you may feel ambivalent or skeptical.
Consider Henry Ford’s blunt opinion: “Whether you believe you can or you
can’t, you’re right.”
If you’re skeptical, consider starting with something like "I
don't know what may happen here, and I'll give it my best shot." A firmer
attitude is "I can improve my ex mate's respect for me. I will
find a way." Reread the articles on
relationship basics
and helpful attitudes, and clarify yours. Then watch
with interest to see if they help you get your needs filled...
Requisites
I propose that
you may upgrade your ex mate’s (or
anyone’s) respect for you if (a) you meet some key conditions, and then
(b) act
patiently on some options. To avoid feeling overwhelmed, coach your subselves to
see that each of these is an individual task that you can master, over
time. Keep your future self and your kids’ long-term welfare in mind as you
consider these requisites, one at a time.
Premise: To re/build your ex mate’s (or anyone’s) respect for you,
these need to be true enough…
Your true Self (capital
"S") is solidly
your other subselves
(personality), and...
You’re
learning to genuinely
respect yourself; i.e. you are progressing well on your version of
and...
You truly
accept that
you must
earn your ex-mate’s respect as a competent co-parent, vs. demanding or
expecting it. And...
You accept that
you are
probably half the problem - i.e. some things you did or are doing now are
promoting your ex-mate’s contempt. This is not about blame or badness, it’s
about what’s real. See
for perspective. And
also...
You're working to...
-
apply
your version of these
premises,
-
adopt these
attitudes,
-
empathically
the ex for major
and...
-
improve your
communication
with her or him because you want
to, vs. have to, or "should." Take your time with this
one...
More requisites for earning respect...
You’re making
a sincere effort to change major scorn and/or pity for your ex mate into compassion.
If you pretend compassion, your body, voice, and behaviors will surely leak your
real 1-up attitude. That
will probably harvest confusion, distrust,
distrust, and disrespect in
return. All of these will hinder effective communication and any chance of
co-parental teamwork. Your kids are the real losers.
You clearly understand the concepts of
and
conflicts and relationship
and you and any new partner are intentionally evolving a
thoughtful strategy to manage each of them. Notice the difference between “My
ex mate disagrees with my parenting values,” and “My ex mate doesn’t
respect me as a competent co-parent.”
You’re making progress reducing
any significant guilts about your past actions with the ex,
your distrust of her or him, your resentments and
hostilities
about your ex’s behaviors, and any significant
envy of
them.
Continue
with some action options...
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/disrespect.htm