A better
long-term alternative to all these false-self behaviors is to...
This can lead to win-win
if
you genuinely respect your ex and yourself as dignified persons, regardless of
behavior. If you don't (yet), work on
3) Affirm your
and your ex's personal rights as
persons of equal worth and dignity. Identify and confront any of your subselves who
object to awarding the ex mate these rights and status.
Option 4): Notice the
you share when communicating with your other co-parent, and
work to want to include both of you in it. Then…
5) Now - try
a typical
communication
between you and this other co-parent, and see what you
learn. Assess who got their
met by the end of the
sequence without blame!
6)
Meditate
or discuss questions like these to clarify and
broaden your perspective:
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong is my need to feel
respected by my ex mate now?"
Your eventual
success at building co-parent
will clearly reflect your truth here, over time.
"Who do I feel solidly respected by (vs. 'liked by') now?
Why? What's different about my relationship with them vs. with my ex mate? What
does that mean?"
"1 to 10, how strong are our children's needs that my ex
and I respect (or at least feel empathy and compassion for) each other?"
Note your option to discuss this honestly with your ex and each of your kids.
Are you and they comfortable with doing that? If not, what's in the way?
"What evidence do I have that my ex
mate clearly sees the difference between 'bad behavior' (hurtful or ineffective
actions) and 'a bad person' (me)? If s/he’s not clear yet, can I influence him
or her respectfully to get clearer on this?"
"Is my ex mate's disrespect for me significantly influenced
by one or more other people? If so, who, and what can I do about that?"
Resource: the
Beware an impulsive or conflict-avoiding answer
of "Nothing." Imagine the effect on your self respect if you
thoughtfully designed and gave a clear, firm "=/="
to the person/s
promoting your ex mate's disrespect...
"Are my responses to my ex's disrespect significantly
shaped by someone else? How do I know? If they are, who?” Hint: start with
each of your parents and kids, and include God, the church, and close mutual
friends. What's at stake for them? Mull: “How would my attitude and behaviors
change if I weren't influenced by them?”
"When I'm an wise old person looking
back on my life, what will I think about my ex mate's disrespect and how I responded to it?
What do I want my Older Self to think?"
"If I need help in clarifying how I
want to respond to my ex's disrespect, (a) who would I trust, and (b) what help do I
need?"
Let yourself become physically comfortable, calm, and
still. Relax without anxiety. Breathe slowly and deliberately from your
belly for some moments.
The respectfully ask any inner voices (subselves) to quiet for a while. When you feel
centered, focus inside on a question like this:
"What should I do next about feeling too disrespected by my ex
mate?" Trust the first response that comes to you. Try not to edit it, analyze it, or worry about someone else's reaction to it. Note that
"nothing" (no feelings or thoughts) is a response...
As you evolve an effective way to respond to your ex mate's
disrespect, experiment with this last question and evolve a version that works
best for you. It will be a steadfast guide to the "next right thing" you should
do. Incidentally, this quieting, questioning, listening, and
trusting
works with any life confusion or challenge! The part of you who
"answers" is probably your true or Higher Self (capital "S"), your (guardian) Spirit, your
or
all of them. Notice your reaction...
Allow any other questions and awarenesses that these spark to
surface, now and later. Honor each one, one at a time. Consider journaling about
them and your emotional and mental reactions without judgment.
Awareness, patience, and acceptance are priceless assets here!
Option 7) Review these
articles on forgiving yourself and your ex, reducing
significant guilt, and asserting and enforcing your
boundaries. Apply them as appropriate.
8) Use your
integrity and
knowledge to evolve a strategy for responding to disrespectful behavior from the
ex mate. That may include talking directly with her or him about your wish to
merit their co-parenting respect, without losing your dignity.
I suspect that your inner wisdom will eventually direct you to some form
of confrontation with the ex mate. The Latin roots of confront mean "to stand in front
of," or "to come together." What can raise your odds for a successful
coming-together? Such success occurs when you and your ex each (a) feel your
primary
needs were met (b) in a way that each of you feels good enough about. You
each can invest effort in learning
to increase your negotiation and confrontation
successes.
Here are some options based on your gaining some fluency in these skills.
Consider these as wet clay, and mold them to fit your situation. When
the ex mate's
is "below their ears" (so
s/he can hear you), ask or say something like...
"Alex, I want you to know that I've decided to take an honest look at
the levels of respect and trust between us. I'd like to find ways of improving
those both ways. I think the kids and we would each be better off." This
is meant as a respectful informational statement, not a veiled question or
accusation.
"I feel like you don't respect me much
as a (name the role/s, like "parent"). Is that true?" Coach
yourself in advance to not get hooked (defensive) on their response. You're
looking for information here to help problem solve, not to fight. Also be
alert for
which usually indicate a
is
in charge.
"When you use that tone of voice (or
facial expression, or lack of eye contact, or a mix), Pat, I feel
disrespected, and I need _______ (what?)"
"Juan, I'd like to work with
you toward earning your respect, or at least toward earning your empathy and
compassion. I want to find a way of giving those to you, too. Are you willing
to work with me on that, for our child/ren's sakes?"
"I just printed some suggestions about
improving our co-parenting relationship from the Internet. I'd appreciate it
if you'd read these pages, and would discuss their ideas with me. Are you
willing to do that sometime this week?"
"I'd like to ask your help, Paula. I think both of us sometimes confuse
irritating actions or different values with being a bad person.
Would you help me avoid that between us and with the kids?"
"I've been wondering how you feel our relationship is affecting the kids,
recently...(?)"
"Noel, I need to know which of the three
you usually get from me. I hope you'll be honest; I'm trying to improve my
half of our communications."
"Nancy, I apologize. My
took me over, and gave you a cheap shot. I gotta have my Critic make an attitude
adjustment, because I know that shots like that don't invite your respect for
me, or your trust." (Does that sound alien, or what?)
There are many other options like these, based on a set of helpful
attitudes (including "we're
here"), clear
goals (replace disrespect and distrust with compassion), and the seven
skills. Also,
study and avoid these common communication
blocks,
and browse these phrases
and tips...
Pause again. Notice your thoughts and
feelings now... What are your inner voices (subselves)
Who's
"speaking"?
Is your true Self
you're a significantly wounded wo/man, your active
will urge you to...
-
think of other things now, and/or...
-
numb your feelings, or make you
very tired; and/or...
-
“blank out” on what you just
read; and/or…
-
and feel anxious,
overwhelmed, depressed, and hopeless; or...
-
review the well-worn, comforting
litany of your ex's wonderful failings again; or…
-
consume or do something to
comfort yourself; or your subselves may…
-
give you physical discomfort like
a headache, "heartburn," "upset stomach," tight muscles, diarrhea; and/or urge
you to...
- play "Yes, but..."
(generate convincing "practical" reasons why you couldn't possibly take any
options like those above);...
…and so on. Are any of those occurring? If not, what are you
thinking and feeling now?
|
Let go of all the details above, and sense the theme they represent:
you have many choices about how to react to your ex-mate's disrespect
if your Self is solidly in charge of your personality, and you really accept
that your attitudes and behaviors are probably half of your "disrespect"
problem. |
Recap
Disrespect
is a common
to
building an effective co-parenting team after divorce and/or re/marriage.
If you ignore it, disrespect will cripple your child-related communications
and nurturing, and
long-term family satisfactions. Co-parental disrespect combines with
other barriers to cause reciprocal dislike. If your
co-parents...
-
assess for significant disrespect
among any of you,
-
help each other own it
without blame, and...
-
commit to converting it into (at least)
compassion...
you’ll probably raise your multi-home family’s
over time.
That lowers the chance that your minor kids will
significant inner
and a disabled true Self.
That improves their chances for
successfully filling their mix of developmental and adjustment
needs with your co-parents’ informed
help.
The rest of the article explores your options for
(1)
changing
scorn for an ex mate into genuine compassion, and/or (2) intentionally
raising the ex mate's respect for
you as a competent co-parent.
A prerequisite to
these is each of your adults attaining
self respect by
empowering your respective true Selves to harmonize your
via
some version of Project
1. Working to forgive yourself and other co-parents,
and proactively reduce any major divorce-related
guilts,
can help you all succeed, over time.
Keep your long-term goal in mind: raising the
nurturance level of
your family to protect your descendents from false-self
(re)divorce,
illness, and major misery.
Intentionally healing your co-parents' wounds, improving your communications, and raising
your mutual respect and
compassion-levels reduces three big
to your
goal. A related, separate barrier is significant co-parental distrusts.
Reflect: Why did you read this article? Did you get your needs met? If not -
what
you need now?
+ + +
The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/disrespect.htm