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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article
is one of a series on improving
co-parent relationships after divorce and/or re/marriage. It offers...
-
summarizes what's unique about co-parent
distrusts,
-
suggests why
rebuilding trust is vital for your minor kids' long-term welfare and growth, and...
-
proposes requisites and options for improving co-parental trusts over time.
Do You Adults Have a "Trust Problem"?
To see if this
article is relevant to your family situation, think of a person whom
you trust complete-ly. Using that a model...
-
check to see
that your
your
If not,
-
verify your identity as a normal
If you're unsure or disagree, read this.
-
decide who belongs to your stepfamily. If
you exclude any adults or kids in your ex mate's homes, read
this. Then...
-
invest undistracted time in drawing a 1-to-10
trust map of nuclear-family adults, like this
respect-map exercise.
What do you conclude?
What's Unique About Co-parental Distrust?
My
clinical experience with hundreds of typical Midwestern-US co-parents since
1981 is
that over 70% of them were significantly-
survivors of
low-nurturance childhoods -
(GWCs).
If this mirrors the US population, it has important implications because:
-
GWCs tend to chose wounded
partners repeatedly, and don't (want to) know that;
-
typical GWCs have two to six psychological
wounds which amplify each other. One wound is trusting too easily or not
enough (a "trust disorder")
-
kids of divorcing GWCs are at significant
risk for early versions of these wounds; and...
-
without
and personal healing,
are
at high risk for re/divorce - specially if prior kids and ex
mates are wounded and unaware also.
| So if your family adults -
specially ex mates - significantly distrust each other about something, your real problem is
probably combined adult wounds and
Follow the links for info and op-tions. Distrust between mates
is discussed
here. |
Improve Your Family-members' Trusts
To reduce
significant distrust (and other stressors) among your family members, you have
several options. Start by getting
undistracted and curious, and...
Look Objectively at
Yourself
If you
significantly distrust another family adult in one or more of these
topics,
you may be at least half of the cause. If
so, the good news is that you control at least half of the solution!
To assess
yourself, first review these basics
and useful attitudes. Then let your objective
inner
take over, and see if s/he thinks any of these
pertain to you...
False-self Wounds
If a
governs your relationship with your
family members, two broad options are:
take responsibility for...
-
yourself for significant wounds and ignorance,
-
your true
Self to
your other subselves
-
learning to think and
(study
and...
-
growing genuine
respect and
compassion for your wounded family members, including
kids. Or you may…
do nothing now - assume a victim role, and endure stresses with your
family member/s, including significant distrusts. If you choose this option,
this and related site articles will probably be of little help.
Ineffective Communication
My experience
with over 1,000 typical co-parents suggests that probably none of your
family adults
are fluent with the effective
in Project 2. To
check this, take this quiz
now,and return. If this premise is true, it means that you adults…
are prone to
(ineffective
communication among your subselves); and…
you don't know the difference between surface
needs and the
that cause them, and...
you're unconscious of excluding each other from your
which inexor-ably
causes antagonisms and avoidances, vs. the cooperation your kids depend on you
for; and...
none of you are aware of regularly exchanging
provocative 1-up or 1-down
These promote
all these relationship
including distrust; and...
you’ve probably grown an unconscious
of
fighting, arguing, and/or avoiding, rather than helping each other
to discern your
respective
and then using
win-win
to fill them
- as
partners, not adversaries.
Can
your adults consistently
resolve significant family-role and relationship conflicts? If not, then your kids probably aren’t learning how to
think clearly and communicate
effectively from you all. Notice your
thoughts and feelings now...
In addition to
false-self wounds and communication ignorance, assess yourself for...
Biased Supporters
Your distrust of
another family adult may be amplified by someone else's distrust or
disapproval of that person. If your parent,
sibling, partner, close friend, lawyer, teacher, or counselor have
their own loy-alties to you and your child/ren, they may scorn or judge "the
other parent" (ex), stepparent, or other rel-ative
as
untrustworthy or incompetent - and expect you to agree. (“We can always count on Wendy
to avoid responsibility, can’t we?”)
Biased supporters
may mean well, but their 1-up attitudes and
ignorance of false-self wounds can promote your mistrust and mutual antagonism. That
inexorably hurts your kids by
lowering your family’s
If supporters accept the concepts of
psychological wounding and
they’ll be more apt to feel
compassion, not blame. Reality check: focus on your key
personal and family supporters one at a time, and ask
“Does her or his
attitude about
(the adult/s you distrust) affect my attitude?”
So how likely is it
that at least half of the distrust you feel for another family adult is due to
your biased (1-up) false self, your unawareness of effective
communications and inner wounds, and the influ-ence of biased supporters?
Listen with interest to what your subselves (inner voices) say now...
| Recall:
your overall goal here
is to intentionally build a high-nurturance family
for your and your kids’ long-term growth, health, and prosperity.
We’re
exploring options to reduce a common post-divorce
to that: distrust
between divorced parents and other family adults. |
The other half of your "distrust problem" may be caused by the other adult.
What are your options?
Improve Your Trust in Other Family Adults
Use
the following ideas as possibilities and inspirations. If you have a new
mate,
invite him or her to join you in acting on trust-building options like
these. The odds of this working rise sharply if your partner is guided by her
or his true Self.
Adopt
a long-range view. Focus
on the next several decades, not next week or the past. In your ex-perience, how long does it take to grow
solid trust in another person? Have you ever experienced that?
Clarify
what, specifically, your subselves distrust, and why.
Use
your version of this summary of possible traits. This will identify specifically what you want to
trust more about the other person. Option - thoughtfully clarify how each significant distrust
(or all of them) effects…
-
you: e.g. anxiety, frustration,
hurt, anger, despair, weariness...;
-
your primary
relationship, if any;
-
each of your resident or visiting minor kids or grandkids,
and...
-
your family's
What will probably happen long-term
if you don't find some way to increase your trust for the other adult/s?
If you have a mate, what does s/he think?
Work
to separate your
distrust from disrespect, dislike,
disinterest,
jealousy,
and hostility. These interact, and are separate problems. Your
odds of improving all go up if you focus on one or two at a time. Most (all?)
are promoted by false-self wounds and unawareness.
More options:
Decide
if
improving your trust for the other person is a shared "ours" problem, or is his or her problem.
The latter
view risks you defeating yourself and hurting your dependent kids by causing
your ex to feel blamed and rejected (disrespected). If you can accept
the "ours" view, are you willing to make the first move?
Review the concept of
and underlying
primary needs. Then clarify which
of your
your ex mate's behaviors
are blocking. For balance, reverse your roles and
imagine how your
behavior affects the ex’s primary needs. Option: discuss this with your ex mate,
if s/he’s willing.
For many
family benefits, invite all your other co-parents to join you in upgrading your communica-tion skills
via patiently working on
together. Invest time and energy
in
your typical communication sequences with your ex honestly
- to learn and improve, not to blame and shame!
Review these
blocks,
personal rights,
phrases, and
tips for helpful ideas and tools. Commit
to prac-ticing
with your ex mate, and using hearing checks to reduce
and misunderstandings. Recall:
listening
is not (necessarily)
agreeing!
Research the chance that you,
your ex, and a third person (like a child or new partner) are uncon-sciously
caught in one or more
and
unconsciously co-creating stressful lose-lose-lose
relationship
Expect
vigorous internal and external resistances to this!
Research
whether some other
persons are unconsciously urging you to distrust the ex mate. Separate their
needs from yours (and your kids’), and stay focused on long-term co-parental
If useful, confront the other distrusters respectfully. Explain
what you're trying to do, and
what you need them to change (“For the
kids’ sake, join me seeing Jackie as
wounded, not a sly,
conniving bitch.”)
More options for rebuilding
trust with another family adult...
Decide whether distrust without
compassion and assertion breeds reciprocal distrust and disrespect. If your ex
distrusts you, brainstorm (ideally with them, for your kids' sakes) how
you can both raise at least co-parenting trust in each other.
With your Self
and
the time feels “right,” tell the
ex mate and key others that you want to improve your trust in the ex, for
everyone’s benefit. Describe your conclusions and ideas from this article
(and/or give them a copy), and listen to their reactions. Option: do this as part of a
mutual family-building task: e.g. invite all other co-parents to do their
version of the "trust map" similar to
this. Can you imagine all of
you calmly discussing how to help each other strengthen your mutual
trusts and respect for each other for your kids' long-range welfare? What (not
who) prevents that, if anything?
Face
this reality: if you and
the ex don't accept responsibility for improving your co-parental
relationship, then rebuilding trusts and mutual compassion and respect will
be hard or impossible. Imagine explaining that to
your kids when they're middle aged, perhaps with kids of their own.
As you select from these and your own trust-re/building
options, keep your partner (if any), minor and grown biokids, and
key relatives and/or professionals informed of (a) what you're doing, and
(b) why. Keep your responsibilities and
clear: this is your work
to do, not theirs. They can surely support you as you do it, so tell them what
you need!
If you
have a new partner, s/he
may distrust someone's ex mate. S/He may also distrust one or more of
your kids.
These premises and options apply to those situations as well! Rebuilding those
is your partner’s work, and you can support it.
As you all re/build
your trusts over several years, help each other keep your daily balances
use these ageless
to guide you, and give yourself some
nourishing affirmations and guidelines like
"progress, not
perfection!" along the way...
Rebuilding a Co-parent’s Trust in
You
If your ex (or
another co-parent) distrusts you as a person and/or a competent co-parent, and
you want to reduce that over time, choose from options like these:
Confirm
that
your Self usually leads your
(personality).
If s/he doesn't yet, focus steadily on
Review
these trust categories one at a time, and make an honest guess as to how well the
other co-parent trusts you. Define any areas you want to improve. Option:
ask your ex to review the categories and tell you;
Perhaps with a trusted (unbiased)
partner, evaluate whether anything prevents you from discussing and confirming these
distrusts co-operatively with the ex, for the kids' and your sakes. If there are blocks,
review these
to see what you can to reduce them and improve
over time.
If
the other co-parent is
willing, review the options above with them, and work together to apply them
toward re/growing her or his selected trusts in you. Help each other stay (a)
focused on long-term payoffs, and (b) aware that there are (probably) other
team-building barriers like disrespect, envy, guilts, and values conflicts.
Work on them separately, a few at a time, and affirm your progress as you go.
Recap
Distrust is an instinctive
animal response to early-childhood pain. We automatically
grow an inventory of people, things, and situations we dis/trust because we believe
they will and won’t
cause us significant discomfort or harm. Adults and kids from
childhoods
often have trouble discerning who is safe to trust and who isn't. They develop
Guardian subselves to survive, which often learn from the environment to distrust
their own perceptions and judgment.
Each child and adult in your
has an array
of trusts and distrusts about themselves and each other. (“I know that
Nancy will get hyper if I want to talk about sex.”) These beliefs
unconsciously shape your attitudes, expectations, and behaviors with each
other every day. Recall that “telling the truth” depends on trusting that it's safe to do so. People from divorcing families often have grown to
unconsciously distrust key things about each other, which inhibits
cooperation.
Kids and grownups in typical new stepfamilies face complex,
alien situations, roles, and relationships. They have little prior experience
to base self and mutual trusts on (“I’ve never been a stepfather before.”),
and build them over many months of successes and mistakes. If co-parents work together to
(a)
childhood trust-distortions, and re/grow
(b) post-divorce and (c)
new-stepfamily trusts in each other, they (you) are more likely to form an
effective nurturing team, over time. Does this make sense?
Part of co-parent Project 1 focuses on correcting childhood
by re-learning who and what to trust
- starting with your
Self and a nurturing (vs. punitive, demanding)
This article uses
that ability to help you to intentionally improve your trusts with your kids’
“other parents.” The
article offers ideas on...
-
what trust is,
-
where it comes from; and...
-
typical things that co-parents need to trust about each other. The second half
of the article uses these to..
-
suggest options for your intentionally re/growing
appropriate trusts among your co-parents, over time.
Improving
trusts between stepparents and stepkids is explored
here.
Re/building co-parental trusts
in categories like these is most likely if you
grownups are also moti-vated to help each other (a)
while you (b) raise your
communication effectiveness together, and (c) convert major
disrespect into
compassion and respectful
boundaries.
# Status check: Stretch, breathe, and reflect
on how you stand now: T = "true," F
= "false," and ? = "I'm not sure."
I feel a mix of centered, grounded, "light," alert,
awake, focused, purposeful, compassionate, resilient, optimistic, strong,
clear, calm, "up," and confidant; so my Self is probably leading my
now. (T F ?)
I'm
motivated to do what I can, long term, to
build an effective co-parenting team (work at
for our and our
kids' sakes. (T F ?)
I
feel clear now on whether (a) I significantly distrust my
ex or another co-parent, and/or (b) whether another co-parent distrusts me. (T
F ?)
I feel this article has some practical
suggestions that can help improve the trust levels among us
co-parents over time. (T F ?)
I understand that improving trust depends partly on
awareness and motivation to heal other common co-parent
and I can name
the barriers now.(T F ?)
I
feel my partner (if any) would answer "true" to
each of these questions now.(T F ?)
Pause and notice
your
(thoughts and feelings) without judgment. What do they mean? Do
you recall why you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, try
to clarify your primary needs (discomforts).
+ + +
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