The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/hostility.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles
that suggests solutions for common relationship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies. This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental teamwork
The
introduction
gives background on this site and the author.
Ideas here aim to augment, not replace, other appropriate professional
Links here will open a
summary popup or full browser window, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker.
To
get the most from this article and series, first read and discuss these:
-
the basic
underlying this
Solutions series of articles,
-
the fundamental ingredients of a
high-nurturance
relationship and
family,
-
these
slide presentations on stepfamily
basics and normal personality
subselves. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
-
the
most
and stepfamily relationships are extra
stressful,
-
the common
causes of most stepfamily problems
-
co-parents can build
high family nurturance,
-
these overviews of
(co-parent team-building),
and typical teamwork
-
perspective on how
attitudes
and other factors
shape relationships
between divorced parents;
and...
-
this
perspective on the normal emotions
of anger and frustration, and a sample family policy on using
these normal emotions constructively.
Is excessive anger and enmity between co-parents
lowering the nurturance level of your multi-home family? If so, this article
suggests common real problems underlying those, and 12 options you have
for putting anger-energy to good use. As we start, reflect on why you’re
reading this, and what you need. Is your
leading your
now?
To illustrate
this common post-divorce and stepfamily surface stressor, meet…
George, Sharon, Marty, and Nancy
These are false
names for a divorcing couple I met with regularly for almost eight months.
They were wearily snarled in a long legal battle over "irresolvable" disputes
and mutual hostility around their son and feisty daughter, both under 10 years
old, living with their dad and his ailing Mother. Their mom Sharon lived about
45” away with her parents.
The kids' divorce
lawyer referred this couple to me, knowing I was a veteran
family-communication coach. He hoped that I could help them stop the
escalating war that was tearing their kids apart and stressing them all. While
the details of their story are unique, the themes of “endless” conflict and
stress; antagonistic relatives; and expensive, divisive court suits are common
to millions of America’s divorced and re/married families. Do you know any?
Sharon and George
had married nine years earlier, full of love, hope, and wonderful visions. He
wanted to become a lawyer, and his bride shared his dreams of building a good
life together from his certain future success. She worked overtime to finance
his law schooling and their expenses. Their intimacies shifted after their son
was born several years later, and again when baby Nancy followed 18 months
later. Sharon was working full time to support the young family, while
learning the ropes as a dedicated new mom.
George eventually
graduated with four degrees, and went to work as a corporate attorney. After
several years, he sued his employer for blocking promotions he felt he
deserved. Sharon continued to work at her home-management and outside jobs,
patiently co-financing their mounting legal bills. For various reasons during
those years, they accumulated over $40,000 of credit-card debt. Their sex and
social lives dwindled in the face of shared exhaustion, frustrations,
disillusionments, and increasing fights and silences. George lost his suit but
not his job, humiliated, frustrated, and bitter.
George's version
was that Sharon became increasingly blameful, resentful, and explosively angry
with him and their young kids. He said she began "threatening" divorce, which
terrified him. He initiated joint and personal counseling, which "didn't
work," and added new expenses. Sharon railed at him (he said) for his lack of
business success, poor sexual skill, "self-centeredness," and ingratitude for
her patient sacrifices for their marriage and family.
He charged that
she had no empathy for him or anyone else, and was a "control freak" who
insatiably demanded of him and the kids that "everything must go her
way." She vehemently denied each of these, acidly charging that a therapist
had implied George was "mentally ill."
Things came to a
head when George called the police and got a legal order of protection
claiming Sharon had physically attacked him. Jailed briefly, she bitterly
denied his claims as totally false, and repeated a long list of his many
provocations and distortions over the years. Like a trial attorney, he accused
her of many specific instances of verbal and physical child abuse, which she
vehemently disputed. Her large family rallied to her, accusing George of being
a selfish monster.
Eventually,
Sharon sued for divorce, all dreams shattered over seven awful years. George
won primary custody after a bitter legal fight and a psychological evaluation
which his wife hotly contested as unprofessional and highly biased. Both were
near their 40th birthdays, their lives half over. I met them several years
later, in the midst of ongoing court, co-parenting, and financial warfare.
Neither expected this round of forced counseling to work, but complied under
threat of court sanctions.
Before exploring
what was going on with this divorcing family, pause and take a…
Status Check - Focus on the
last six or nine months, and the adults and kids comprising your
See where you stand
with these: T =true, F = false, and "?" = "I'm not sure."
I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded, relaxed,
alert, aware, serene, purposeful, compassionate, and clear, so my
true Self is probably present now.
(T F ?)
I’m clear on the difference
between acceptable and excessive anger now. (T F ?)
Two or more of the co-parents
in our multi-home family exchange unacceptable anger or hostility now (T F ?) Here, hostility or antagonism expands
anger to include a
local or ongoing intent to harm, punish, or cause discomfort. If accused of
the latter, hostile co-parents like Sharon and George often hotly deny
and/or justify it.
If excessive anger is
significantly blocking our co-parental teamwork, I know _ the root causes,
and _ what my (or our) options are to resolve them now. (T F ?)
I feel no periodic or
chronic excessive anger, resentment, or hostility toward any of our
co-parents now. (T F ?)
The _ kids
in my life
and _ my partner (if any) would agree with this. (T F ?)
If another co-parent is
excessively or chronically angry at me, I’m content enough with my
recent way of reacting to that. (T F ?)
If my partner (if any) feels
and/or receives excessive anger from an ex or stepparent, I respect the way
s/he reacts to that now. (T F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice any thoughts or feelings that
come up from this self-assessment. Have you ever considered ideas like these
recently? If you feel excessive anger or antagonism is not a significant
co-parenting
in your family, scan the rest of this for perspective.
A premise in this
site is that most relationship problems have surface symptoms, and underlying
primary causes (unmet
See how your
ideas compare to these typical...
Surface Causes of Co-parent Hostility
See if any of
these common secondary “anger problems” are roiling your multi-home family:
1)
Blaming the other co-parent, and
demanding that s/he change: i.e. endlessly analyzing, disparaging, and
protesting the deficits, traits, and failings of the other caregiver, vs.
accepting personal responsibility for half of the past and present conflicts.
In my experience, this seems very common among unrecovering
co-parents.
An inevitable
result is the blamed co-parent feeling repeatedly misunderstood, attacked,
hurt, resentful, angry and righteous, guilty, and/or ashamed. Normal
responses are to defend by _ withdrawing, _ explaining (justifying),
and/or _ c/overtly counter-blaming. Each of these send insulting “I’m 1-up”
which amplify the
co-parents’ disrespect +
distrust > frustration > hostility spiral.
Another result of
blaming:
dependent kids feel impossibly torn
with one parent or the other,
or detaching from both parents and trying independence before they’re ready
for it. Over time, that promotes their own psychological wounding and many related
problems. Lack of objective awareness of these dynamics usually causes
adults and kids a spiral of hostility or avoidance and detachment, amidst other life
stressors.
Another common
surface cause of co-parent hostility is...
2)
Constantly reliving the past, instead of healing and
in the present, and
planning for the future. One or both antagonists (i.e. their
false selves) focus endlessly on past
injustices, failings, and disappointments, despite unsatisfying outcomes.
Like many
troubled peers, Sharon and George did this in most of our therapy sessions,
despite my repeatedly calling respectful attention to it as wasting their
time, energy, and money, and hurting their kids. Their Guardian
subselves’ intense needs to be heard, accepted, and justified (“I’m right,
and you’re wrong!”), and have their opponent repent and grovel,
relentlessly prevailed. Logic, "common sense," and even the kids' pain
couldn’t overcome their dedicated
subselves’ distorted, short-term focus and obsessions.
Another surface
problem is co-parents’ and supporters…
3)
Seeing
the
family as two opposed (me/us) vs.
(you/them) homes, rather than a two-home nuclear biofamily
united by history, genes, and love of living kids. This one-way or mutual
antagonism relentlessly polarizes relatives and others into distrustful,
warring camps, promoting situational or ongoing hurt, resentments, guilts, and
anger.
More common
surfaces cause of co-parent hostility...
4)
A
history
of sending confusing
and/or
of accusing
the other mate of doubletalk, insincerity, lying, and
never listening. Example: George and Sharon each said sincerely "Our
kids' welfare comes first." Their actions said "Proving to you
and the world that I'm right and a better parent, and you're wrong, is more
important to me than our kids' current agony." Both vehemently denied
this, and grew to disrespect and distrust the other as insincere and
deceptive. This is classic false-self
in action.
And/or...
5)
Giving
lawyers, judges, laws, and/or counselors the
responsibility
for untangling this morass of co-parenting stressors, and endlessly arguing
over, blaming, explaining, and justifying that. When the legal system and/or
the kids' teachers and counselors inevitably fail to heal the real
causes of ex-mate anger and hostility (because they can't), one or both
mates starts to cynically blame "the system," as well as their “deranged,
malicious” ex spouse or stepparent. Result: new distractions from the real
anger problems below, and a set of legally-related traumas that take adults and kids years to heal.
These surface problems are amplified by...
6)
Ex mates arguing endlessly about child-related conflicts
over schooling, health, visitations, financial support, holidays and
vacations, a
activities, religion, and so on. Both the
conflicting perceptions and values underneath these, and
co-parents
express and react to them, cause significant frustration, hurt, and anger.
And
caregiving teamwork drops when ex mates...
7)
Involve new romantic partners and any kids in ways that
add to ex-mates' distrust,
jealousy, and
disrespect. A common theme is all co-parents
getting snarled in the complex tangles of concurrent, alien stepfamily-adjustment tasks, and
deferring or defocusing from healing the roots of ex-mate and stepparent
Sharon and George
were college-educated, mature,
and
parents. Despite their life
experience and love of their kids, they could not free themselves from the
toxic mix of the first six of these surface stressors. Neither had a new
partner, partly because their
attitudes and antagonisms were paralyzing their
legal and psychological
processes.
The odds are that eventually, one or both of them will find a new partner
(probably with kids and stressors of their own) which will yield a rich new
source of family-relationship
problems.
These typical
surface (secondary) factors are genuine stressors - and they each are symptoms of…
Five Primary Causes of Co-parents’ Hostility
I've worked with hundreds of antagonistic
co-parents like this mom and dad since 1981. I conclude that
a mix of up to
five factors causes excessive or chronic anger and hostility in and between
them. This brew is often fueled by biased, unaware relatives and loyal new
partners. Once each factor is understood and accepted (vs. denied, justified,
or minimized), it can be significantly reduced. The core problems are…
control and related
in one or more
co-parents. This promotes...
Blocked
an inability to
(a) really accept childhood, marital, and parental
losses,
and (b) help kids mourn their own broken bonds. Ignorance of healthy
grieving basics promotes unhealthy
and
policies (personal and family rules and values); Plus...
Undeveloped communication
(symptom:
repeated dynamics like
vs.
effective
One
result is wounded co-parents staying fruitlessly focused on their surface
conflicts, vs. the unmet primary needs that cause them.
These three
factors combine to promote...
Mutual disrespect
and distrusts, which powerfully
inhibit effective problem-solving and co-parental
A core
problem is co-parent and social
of
their ignorance of these four primary problems and other key
Until
antagonistic co-parents understand and accept these factors and
decide to refocus on them instead of the surface problems above, they’ll
experience increasing frustration and weariness. These can evolve into rage
and aggression (hostility), or resignation and hopelessness. Both of these
trigger many secondary personal and family problems, and lower the family's
Vulnerable young kids
like Marty and Nancy are the unintended victims, just as their wounded
parents were in their early years.
How can wounded
co-parents like George and Sharon - and your family adults -
redirect their frustration and anger-energy to better purposes?
Read on...
