The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/hostility2.htm
Continued from p. 1....
How can wounded
co-parents like George and Sharon - and your adults -
redirect their anger-energy to better purposes? Consider these...
Options
Like most warring
ex mates, Sharon and George ached to find a way to stop their
endless battles, yet they "couldn't." Despite my listening empathically to
their complaints, and suggesting the ideas above as clearly and respectfully
as I could over eight months, this couple drifted out of consultation, locked
in new cycles of their tragic, toxic battle. In my opinion, both of these devoted co-parents were ruled by protective, combative
and didn't (want to) know that.
Their dominant
subselves rigidly denied that and what it
This caused a
self-amplifying
of relationship
stressors, which overcame their willingness to examine and change
themselves. They each had to
before they could break their
denials and illusions, and begin to see what's really fueling the
sacred war that was inexorably
their beloved
son and daughter.
Some
parents I've worked with have broken free of their toxic hostility cycle. In
every case, they chose to do many or most of the steps that follow. With your
kids' faces and lives in mind, reflect on what it would take for you and their
other co-parent/s to do most or all of these:
Option 1)
yourself
and each “anger
partner” for significant false-self
If your
Self (capital "S") is disabled, expect your ruling subselves to resist this
option. When you feel a
mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded,
relaxed, alert, aware, alive, serene, purpose-ful, compassionate, and clear,
your Self is probably in charge.
Do you feel that mix now? Work
compassionately to identify which
in each hostile co-parent are fueling your [disrespect
+ distrust > blame > defend > counterblame] cycle.
Patiently use some form of personality
to help each subself trust
your Self to respond to each hostile co-parent. Forecast: as long as…
reactive
and narrow-visioned, protective
subselves govern your co-parental
relations, and…
protective
subselves cause you to deny
that…
…you’ll continue
to trade escalating hostile thoughts and actions like George and
Sharon did. Implication: ignoring this
option will defeat each of the options below.
2) Try imaging your co-parents’ (or anyone’s) anger as a
powerful jet of water from a 4” canvas fire hose. Imagine the uncontrolled jet
blasting fragile things, like breaking windows, destroying furniture in a
room, and knocking over kids, pets, and adult. Feel the power of the
water jet. Now vividly imagine...
-
deciding to direct (take charge of) the jet,
-
using your strength and will to do that, and...
-
redirecting the jet to put out
a roaring fire or clear away debris after a violent
storm. Then...
-
imagine turning the jet off and putting the
hose away until it’s
needed again.
Reflect on what powers the jet. Then accept that the
powerful jet of water
is neither good nor bad, but its effects can be helpful or
harmful. Muse on your choice to allow the hose and
water jet to do harm or good…
|
Whether you use your frustration and anger-energies
constructively or destructively with your ex (and other people)
is a strong clue to your unspoken personal and family
(rules) on
feeling and expressing these primal human emotions.
Can you describe what your polices on these are now? Can you
describe your ex mate's policies? Your kids'? Your parent's
policies? |
Option 3) Admit that against your wills and better judgment, you co-parents are stuck in a
self-amplifying
disrespect > distrust > hostility cycle, just like the Israelis and
Palestinians. This admission is about healing, teambuilding, and raising your
family’s nurturance levels, not blaming anyone!
4) Admit
that your
hinders and injures your kids and adults,
over time. Accept that this harm (inner wounds + ineffective communication +
unresolved conflicts + blocked grief + family antagonisms = low family
nurturance) will relentlessly increase, until each of you adults
to stop your part of
the cycle (vs. "You first"). Expect your protective, myopic false selves to sabotage
this ("Yes, but...").
5) Assess whether any of your co-parents is denying your
as a two-home
biofamily,
or a multi-home
If so, part
of your co-parent hostility may come from (a) unrealistic expectations, and/or (b) family identity and
conflicts. These are real
stressors that deserve attention, and each is a symptoms of underlying
wounds + unawarenesses + ineffective communications. Use
and
as frameworks to help you assess,
learn, and
improve.
Option 6)
starting with you,
invite each
hostile co-parent to shift their attitudes
from...
“Anger or rage is a 'negative' emotion, and over-angry
people are bad,” to (a) “anger is a normal, helpful
alert to protect against significant hurt and threats; and (b) "Expressing anger harmfully means
the angry person (c) is wounded and unaware, not bad;
and (d) has not learned four
yet." Also shift
from believing...
"Frustration
is (a) caused by "fate" or "someone else, and is (b) "a negative emotion";
to "frustration is a normal, useful signal that an important
current need is unfilled, so you need to (a)
your need/s clearly, take full responsibility for filling them (if you're an
adult), and learn to use these Project-2
to assert and fill your need/s respectfully." And shift your attitude
from...
"You're the problem
to "We're the problem."
Family adults accept
that "Reducing our co-parenting
is a shared responsibility." Expect strong resistance
from your narrow-visioned, distrustful false selves. Notice the results as
long as you let them direct your life - including the inexorable wounding of
your vulnerable dependent kids and grandkids.
7) To
increase
cooperation and harmony, help each
other to...
adopt and
keep a long-range (e.g. 20-year), wide angle focus. Keep
your perspective: redirecting your anger-energy is part of building an
effective
for your
kids, over time. Team-building is one of 11 ongoing
co-parent
to evolve a
high-nurturance (step)family for all of you; and...
patiently upgrade your thinking and
communication
via co-parent
Your dependent kids and their
descendents need all their adults to share responsibility for effective family
communications, and teach them those skills. To ground and motivate
yourselves, take this quiz, review your
strengths, see which of these
blocks hinder your communicating, and
review these communication tips.
And help each
other to...
shift from habitually rehashing past wounds and fighting
over surface issues (above), to learning how to help each other
and fill your
current primary needs as mutually-respectful partners - i.e. to do
win-win problem-solving
together. You'll need your true Selves to
your other subselves to do this. And over time, help each other to...
learn how to spot and resolve child-related (a)
conflicts, (b)
conflicts, and (c)
associated relationship
together. Then
teach your kids and supporters how to do this.
More
options for reducing the root causes of excessive ex-mate hostility...
Option 8) Accept responsibility for admitting and dismantling your
part in each team-building
hindering your multi-home family.
Deliberate the long-range pros and cons of hanging on to past hurts and
resentments, vs. forgiving and moving on. If
you had or have ex-mate legal battles, read and apply this. Scan these
and explore
any that apply. Most lead to these same 12 resolution options.
9) Being stuck in the anger phase of
can
steadily fuel co-parent rage and hostility, and block forgiveness, acceptance,
and teamwork. The
(broken
bonds) you each need to grieve may go back to your first
five or six years on Earth. Help each other
understand and work at
to
(a)
assess for
and
(b)
Restoring your Selves to lead your personalities (Project 1), and learning effective
communication skills together (Project 2), will sharply raise your success with this, over
time. Then help your kids and key relatives identify and grieve their losses.
10) As you work on all these anger-redirection steps (and other
projects), gather supports
and help each
other to keep your balances every day
11)
Watch for chances to affirm your progress (a) to yourself and (b) with each
other. Enjoy learning to use
to give “dodge-proof” win-win compliments and praise to your
subselves and family members, as well as declaring your needs and opinions!
Option 12) Because these steps are complex, alien, and
challenging, consider investing in qualified
along the way.
Option: review the Q&A about
counseling here.
Pause and notice
what you're thinking and feeling. Who's
your subselves (personality) now? We’ve covered a lot here. Before
continuing, take this…
Status Check: T = true,
F = false, and "?" = “I’m not sure.”
I
feel
a mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded,
relaxed, alert, aware, serene, purposeful, compassionate, and clear, so my
Self is probably present now. (T F ?)
I
believe
we have a significant problem with co-parental anger and antagonism
(hostility) in our family now. (T F ?)
I
can clearly describe my personal and our family's
now, and I'm
confident they are basically constructive relative to my or my partner's ex
mate/s. (T F ?)
I understand the
difference between surface needs and underlying
and I accept that
(a) our
co-parental anger and hostility is a normal surface problem, and (b)
focusing on surface problems
will probably increase them,
long term. (T F ?)
I
understand the difference
between first-order (superficial) and second-order (core attitude)
and how this
relates to our redirecting co-parental anger now. (T F ?)
I
fully accept that (a) both
living parents of each of our dependent children, and (b) any new partners
(stepparents), are full, legitimate
of our
now. (T F
?) If you don’t, study
and
before trying any options here.
I clearly understand the basic ideas and options in this article, and I’m
motivated to discuss them with our other co-parents and apply them to our
situation now. (T F ?)
I understand that
“significant co-parental anger, frustrations, and hostility” is a symptom of a mix of normal teambuilding
and that
helping each other work patiently together to reduce the
all such barriers over time
is our co-parents’ real goal. (T F ?)
I’m confidant (a) my partner
(if any) and (b) our key family supporters would answer “true” to each of
these items now; or if not, (c) I know what to do about that. (T
F ?)
What did you just
learn?
Recap
Anger,
frustration, and
hostility are primal (“wired-in”) animal responses to perceived threat and
injury. These instinctive emotions signal unmet needs, and are normal, not
good nor bad. They can be used to improve or harm your wholistic healths and
family relationships.
Psychological and legal divorce, re/marriage
and cohabiting, and
stepfamily mergers, cause adults and kids mosaics of strong
emotions. Local or chronic anger, rage, and
hostility between ex mates and/or stepparents are common. If it’s not
confronted, excessive anger and aggression ("hostility") will slow or block building the co-parental teamwork your minor kids silently depend on
you adults for.
From
29 years’ study, I propose that excessive anger
and antagonism between
family adults is a
surface (secondary) problem. It
signals that the adults involved aren't aware of up to five interactive
pri-mary problems:
These can be amplified if co-parents have no (a) consensual family
and/or (b) effective strategies to
master
and
conflicts
and related relationship
Seen all at once, this seems pretty complex, doesn’t it? So
is living in a
multi-home family and pos-sible re/divorce!
Once understood and admitted, each of these factors
can be reduced, in small,
patient steps - specially with mutual respect an cooperation. Do you believe that?
This Solutions
article summarizes 12 options that your co-parents can
tailor and apply together to reduce
the primary causes of your “ex-mate hostility problems.” If false selves dominate any of your
co-parents, they’ll sabotage
your efforts - as they did for Sharon and George.
You may discuss (or observe)
the outcome of your current decisions about these steps years from now with
your adult kids, with your grandkids playing nearby. Perhaps you experienced
chronically hostile parents, and may discuss the outcome with them, in
light of what you’ve learned here.
| Your basic choice here is whether to
judge co-parent hostility as powerful
emotional energy (glass half-full), vs. "a problem" (half empty). If you
choose the former attitude, you can decide if you want to
redirect that energy to improve your family relationships and
co-parental teamwork over time. If you choose this, then decide whether you want to do
this alone, or with other (informed) family adults and supporters. |
Notice with interest how you feel now, and what your ruling subselves are
Reflect on why
you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you
need? Is there someone you want to discuss these ideas with?
Note that the guidebook for Project 10
is
Build a Co-parenting
Team after divorce and re/marriage.
+ + +
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