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The
Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/legal.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles
that suggests solutions for common relationship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies. This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental teamwork. The
introduction
gives background on this site and the author.
Ideas here aim to augment, not replace, other appropriate professional
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This article
assumes you're
familiar with these ideas...
-
the basic
premises
underlying this nonprofit site,
-
the fundamental ingredients of
a healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or
text;
-
most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are
often
stressful,
-
co-parents can shift stress toward shared family
satisfaction,
-
perspective on
key factors that
shape co-parent relationships; and...
-
frameworks for analyzing and
resolving most role and
relationship problems
+ + +
A large minority of the hundreds of divorcing and remarried couples I've
consulted with were struggling with, or trying to recover from, legal fights
between two parents. The bitterest fights occurred when one parent charged
the other with
child
or
preventing appropriate
visitation,
and/or “brain-washing” a child to reject them. Some conflicts were amplified
by biased, aggressive relatives and stepparents.
In
27 years' clinical consulting, I have never met one bioparent or stepparent
who thought these legal battles helped to nourish their personal serenity or
their long-term family relationships and security. They usually said things
like "I know this probably isn't the (best approach), but... (I'm
compelled against my better judgment / I see no option / I feel powerless,
frustrated, and weary / I'm so angry...”)
I
propose that there are two legitimate reasons for using legal intervention
and force: to protect (1) a dependent child from co-parental abuse or neglect, and/or
(2) a co-parent
from harassment or violence from an ex mate. Any other disputes between
parents are far better resolved, long-term, by self-motivated
personal
(Project 1) and
The paradox is that most co-parents would
agree, yet many (like you?) still choose or endure legal combat. Hmmm...
This article outlines...
-
typical surface and true causes of
court fights between ex mates,
-
long-term problems resulting from them,
and...
- alternatives to them.
Typical Surface Problems
To better
appreciate what you’re about to read, scan or re-read the these basic
relationship premises and the
key ideas behind these Solution articles.
A core premise in this site is that most role and relationship
“problems” are symptoms of underlying
Effective
problem-solving requires conflicted people to (a)
to their primary needs,
(b) agree on who’s responsible for filling
them, and (c) use problem-solving
to do so cooperatively.
Because typical
American parents seem to be significantly
and
of these
options, many (you?) hire lawyers to force solutions to surface
disputes like these…
Divorce causes and property settlements;
Ex-mate
aggression and harassment
violations);
Child visitation, custody, financial
support, health, education, or religious practices. Extreme cases can
includes a parent “kidnapping” a child, or threatening to do so.
Alleged child abuse and/or neglect,
sometimes because of alleged _ parental addiction, _ “mental illness,
and/or _ “immoral (sexual) behavior” with a new partner.
Allegations
that a parent is maliciously biasing a child against the other parent.
(“Parental Alienation Syndrome”
or PAS)
The terms of, or compliance with, a legal
A custodial parent moving out of state,
and/or...
A grandparent claiming their rights to
contact and see a grandchild are being violated.
Combinations of these cause…
Secondary Surface Problems
For example…
1) The parent initiating the legal suit becomes the Persecutor
in a
and kids
and/or the other co-parent assume Victim roles. The attorneys, judges and
legal system become potential Rescuers, though they’re often seen as
Persecutors. Compound relationship triangles and related
add family
stress, and inhibit healing and co-parent teambuilding.
2)
Legal fights are financially expensive. This often adds new resentments, anxieties, and conflicts
between parents, attorneys, and others over “money”: e.g. amounts,
justifications, and responsibilities for (a) causing these debts, and (b) paying
them. “Money” stressors are always surface symptoms.
3) By personality and role, lawyers are aggressive and combative.
They're motivated and paid to
win,
which guarantees that both co-parents are going to feel attacked, and one or
both and any supporters will feel like
losers.
Embattled parents can
conclude that one or
more lawyers, including a court-appointed Guardian ad Litem (child’s
attorney) and/or a “biased” or “ignorant” judge are significant parts of
“the problem.” This can lead to new problems over firing and hiring
attorneys, and/or arguing with
the local legal system to change jurisdictions or assigned judges. These all
obscure the primary problems and add frustrations and new conflicts (below).
Another common secondary surface problem is…
4) Parents, attorneys, or judges may call for expert
psychological evaluations of kids’
mental health, and/or parental stability, sobriety, and caregiving
competence. These expensive and often embarrassing formal evaluations by
clinical strangers always raise parents’ (and often kids’) anxiety,
insecurity, resentments, and weariness (or determination). They often
increase polarity and hostility between relatives, including stepkin. Defensive parents
and attorneys can charge that the evaluating clinicians are biased,
incompetent, and/or unethical, which adds to the mayhem. Fees for these
forced professional evaluations add to surface financial conflicts, which
increase the
Another serious
secondary problem is...
5) Typical child psychologists and family-law attorneys, judges, and mediators have little or no meaningful training in stepfamily
facts,
norms, and
unless they’re veteran step-people themselves. Though legally or
clinically competent and well-intentioned, these professionals often create rulings based on
inappropriate
biofamily
norms; and
short-term practical, vs. long-term,
family outcomes.
Because typical stepfamilies differ from intact biofamilies in over
60 ways, such well-intentioned,
mis-informed rulings often
increase
divorced-family and stepfamily stress.
This is not
"in the best interest of the children" or anyone else!
Another common secondary stressor in
typical stepfamily situations can be…
6) Stepparents’ needs, loyalties,
frustrations, and biases often amplify the web of surface “legal” conflicts and relationship triangles.
These
-
promote divisive inter and intra-home (us vs. them) polarizations,
-
delay grieving and stepfamily bonding, and...
- can increase “the other (bio)parent”
feeling ganged up on, misunderstood, and attacked.
This often increases their motivation to use legal power to righteously defend
themselves and "win," which prolongs and amplifies the family’s toxic attack > defend >
counterattack spiral. Also…
7) Prolonged, bitter, and/or a series of
court conflicts between ex mates often cause
cynicism about our legal
system - which may foster pessimistic, cynical children. Alternatively,
kids learn that it’s OK or even expected that they use legal force to get
their needs met, rather than learn how to negotiate effectively. Either of
these will cause them and our hyper-litigious society significant
“problems.” Finally…
8) An overarching secondary surface
problem can be emotional and mental overwhelm from your
turbulent, complex mix of primary and secondary stressors like these. When
rule
co-parents'
this overwhelm can promote desperate, impulsive
decisions or indecisiveness; defocusing or numbness; and/or "depression"
(temporary shutdown).
These can promote more stressors, like generalized anxiety or
anger, lower job or school performance, psychosomatic health problems,
relationship breakdowns, and addictions.
Do you see your situation here? If so, see
how this feels: I propose that...
A
normal reaction is “Then what are our primary problems, and
how can we resolve them?” Before reading the answer below,
first read about
(mutually respectful)
and
to identify unfilled primary needs. Then
see how valid this opinion seems:
Primary Causes of Legal Combat Between Divorced Parents
If no
parent or child is in clear, significant danger now, protect you all from
the long-term toxic effects of ex-mate legal battles by shifting your
efforts to…
1)
for and healing
significant psychological
in each of your co-parents and any
legally-combative relatives. Start by overviewing
and these options for relating to
significantly-wounded, ujnaware people (like your ex?)
2) Grow effective-communication skills together
Divorce and
legal fights demonstrate that ex mates can't problem-solve well together.
See what you know already. Then study
and discuss these basics,
tips, and how these common
blocks apply
to your family relationships. Regardless of other problems, your kids depend on
all of you adults to teach and model effective communication. Are you all
doing that now? Did your caregivers?
3) Assess
(a) your knowledge of
healthy-grieving
basics, and
(b)
whether any of your co-parents or kids are burdened by
Blocked grief can hinder or block acceptance and forgiveness of past
hurts, "failures," and betrayals - which makes ex-mate legal battles more
likely.
4) Work intentionally and patiently to
help each other admit and reduce your web of primary ex-mate
relationship
for your descendents’ sakes, if not your own.
And
be alert for…
5) Toxic advice.
Typical relatives,
friends, human-service providers, and media providers aren't aware of
stepfamily norms, dynamics, and primary problems. Their well-meant
reactions and suggestions can often mislead or distract
you co-parents from
seeing and reducing the primary stressors above. This inexorably makes your
problems worse.
Bottom line: if you're burdened with legal battles with your (or your
partner's) ex mate, it will be enticing to focus on trying to reduce a set
of surface symptoms, rather than the five primary problems above. Before
looking at your options, take stock of what you believe now...
# Status Check:
T = True, F = False, and ? = "I'm not sure,"
or "it depends..."
If you have
past or present legal disputes with an ex mate, your descendents need you to
assess whether these five core stressors are hindering your judgment and
co-parental teamwork:
I feel a mix of calm, centered,
energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware,
serene, purposeful, compassionate, and clear, so
my true Self is probably present
now. (T F ?)
I (a) understand the concept of
surface (secondary) and underlying
and (b) I agree that our legal battles
are symptoms of the four primary problems above. (T F ?)
I
have honestly
myself for
the six false-self
and I'm proactively working to
any
significant
dominance now. (T F ?)
I have (a) read
this article on relating to significantly-wounded
people,
and (b) I am actively following relevant options in them now. I am (c) actively working toward
replacing scorn for them with compassion, while asserting my
rights, co-parental
needs, and key
(T F ?)
I have
studied the
articles comprising co-parent
Project 2 and I'm intentionally growing
my fluency with the seven communication
now. (T F ?)
I am
also actively studying and
applying stepfamily,
co-parenting, and
grieving knowledge to improve my
awareness and decisions for all our sakes now. (T F ?)
My partner (if any) would answer each
of these items “T(rue)” now. (T F ?)
I have respectfully
encouraged my ex mate/s to (a) read this and the other
Project-10 articles (or the
guidebook
Build a
Co-parenting Team After Divorce or Re/marriage), and to
(b)
join me and
any new partners in healing and building our long-range parenting teamwork
for our descendents’ sakes. If not yet, (c) I intend to do this in the next
two weeks. (T F ?)
For all our sake's,
I’m committed to doing everything I can
to avoid using legal force to resolve the five primary problems above. (T F ?)
If you answered “F” or “?” to any of these,
you have some work to do!
+ + +
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