The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/reappear.htm
This is one of a subseries of
Web articles focusing on reducing
to co-parenting
teamwork in a
stepfamily.
Read this for perspective on this nonprofit re/divorce-prevention site and
how get the most from it. The
ideas here aim to augment, not replace, other qualified professional
Clicking on
links below will open a popup or new Web page. Use your browser's "back"
button to return from the latter.
What's the Problem?
About
90% of U.S. stepfamilies are founded by a divorced (vs. widowed) parent
choosing a new partner. For various reasons, the noncustodial bioparent
can withdraw from regular - or any - contact with their child/ren.
Months or years later, s/he can reappear by phone or in person,
with or without notice.
The custodial adult/s and minor kids are then confronted by
many simultaneous changes, as the bioparent asks or
to be
in child visitations
and family decisions and functions. The emotional, logistic, role, relationship, and financial
changes this causes throughout the whole
can be
significant - specially if they're unexpected.
If
this is happening in your stepfamily now (or it may), how can you co-parents
manage such changes, and minimize role and relationship conflicts? This
article hilights common "ex-mate re-inclusion" problems, and explores your
options in coping with them. The ideas below will make more sense if you first read...
-
The
premises
underlying this nonprofit educational site;
-
This overview of stepfamily
basics,
and their
-
An overview of
factors promoting healthy relationships
and a high-nurturance family;
-
This
introduction to normal
subselves (like yours);
-
most stepfamily relationships
are significantly stressed, for years;
-
The common
causes of most stepfamily role and
relationship problems;
-
Perspective on stepfamily
and inclusion
conflicts;
-
perspective on
key factors that affect ex-mate relationships; and...
- How to resolve
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
Reading and discussing these
foundation topics is a
high-return investment in your long-term stepfamily health and
success!
Perspective
One factor that affects your family's
is how
effectively your adults plan for and manage major changes - like births,
geographic moves, adoptions, retirements - and parental separation and
divorce.
Some years ago, family-wellness expert John Bradshaw showed TV viewers how members of a
are connected like parts of a
When he moved one part of the mobile, all the other parts began to gyrate,
and then gradually resumed their stable balance.
The "strings" that connect the members of your multi-generational
have many "fibers" - emotions, needs,
expectations,
memories, legal responsibilities, ancestral and social customs, and genes. One of the strongest
"strings" is (usually) the primal
between your parents and
their children.
The stresses leading to separation and
upset the balance of most multi-generational
biofamilies. Emotions flare and surge for years, as all
affected adults and kids struggle to accept their
adjust to new
realities, and resume personal and relationship stability and
growth.
Some separated biofamilies must adapt to a non-custodial parent
choosing to have little or no contact with their biokid/s. Many factors affect
(a) what causes this "disinterest," (b) how well
and (c) how fast other family members adapt to it.
Minor American kids of divorce usually stay with their biomom, and
their Dad leaves. An exception is when a mother - or the law - feels she can't provide adequate child care - e.g. if she's
to something,
physically or mentally handicapped, impoverished, and/or is
and
(wounded).
This article focuses on situations where one parent
(often the father) leaves, is relatively uninvolved with his or her kids, and then reappears
later to resume an active caregiving role. The parent may reappear alone or with a new
partner and (step)kids. S/He may appear while geographically distant (by
telephone and/or email), or after moving to live nearby.
If several years have passed since separation, the custodial-family
mobile (system) may have steadied after many shocks from parental separation and
divorce. For the significantly-disturbed biofamilies, steadying may take well over a
decade - or never happen.
|
Absent-parent families go through another complex rebalancing cycle if the
custodial parent chooses a new partner. After re/committing, it can take four or
more years
for everyone to evolve and stabilize up to up to 30 stepfamily
and
scores of new
|
Though your family situation is unique, knowing some universal
themes to this "reappearing bioparent" situation can help
your co-parents stay emotionally balanced and nurturing enough while
your
(step)family mobile re/stabilizes.
Common
Surface Problems
After marital separation - and later if an inactive (noncustodial) bioparent
reappears - the general task for co-parents is to
manage change effectively. That means
(a) keeping your long
term personal and
goals and
clear, and (b) focusing on filling your and your kids'
well enough while
(c) adapting to your new
realities (changes)." Adapting means adjusting and
stabilizing the identity, membership,
and
of your
multi-generational family to fit
everyone's primary short and long-term needs together. No small task!
In accomplishing this, your kids need you co-parents to...
Identify any significant
to co-parental
teamwork, and commit to reducing them for everyone's benefit;
Each
adult (including relatives) reaffirm their personal and family goals and priorities, so you know where you want
to end up together; and...
Adjust everyone's roles (who's responsible for what in our family)
and rules
(how do we each do our roles) to a stable-enough balance,
and resolve inevitable
and
conflicts and
relationship
as you do; and...
Adults help each other and each child (a)
your many new
losses
(broken bonds), (b) free and continue any
grief for prior losses, and
(c) clarify and accept your revised
family
attitudes, resources, and limits;
and...
Seek and use competent
as you work on all
these complex tasks together and the environment ceaselessly changes around
you.
Can you think of other major tasks co-parents and kids confront when an
inactive bioparent reappears - with or without a new partner and stepkids?
|
An
essential first step with these five tasks is you mates accepting your shared responsibility for mastering them. Alternatives
are to expect the legal system, your own parents, your kids, your church, or
"somebody" to master them.
|
Some adults may ignore or deny these tasks.
Then everyone, including your kids, must sort out their feelings and needs and
fill them on their own. This detached, passive attitude is typical of
significantly-
co-parents and
homes and families.
Once you mates say "OK, we are in charge of completing these five
change-management projects," what are your best choices? Use the following menu to see what you've already
done and what needs further effort.
Foundations
Acknowledge openly together that - whether you want to or not, each of your
kids and caregivers will have to change some important things before
you all restabilize. Change means lose. Stressful alternatives are to deny this, or to fight against it.
Even
if it seems unlikely now, help each other
view your situation as an
opportunity for long-term healing and good, rather than as short term
conflict, threat, and upset. Your losses open the door to nourishing new bonds and
beginnings!
|
The best way you co-parents can optimize this situation long-term is by
yourselves for false-self
and taking
appropriate action. The more each of your
co-parents are consistently guided by
your
the more
successful you'll be at managing these changes over
time.
If you don't do this
together, the rest of these suggestions won't be very effective.
|
Reconsider
whether all you co-parents now solidly accept your
as a normal stepfamily, and understand clearly what that
One meaning is that
the co-parent who just "re-activated" and
all people genetically and legally related to him or her are legitimate
of your nuclear and extended stepfamilies.
One inexorable implication of that is that the returning bioparent has a
legitimate right to seek full acceptance by all you
adults and kids. If one or more of your family members are ambivalent
or opposed to this inclusion, you will experience escalating waves of
loyalty, membership, and other relationship conflicts - which will lower your
stepfamily's nurturance level.
To qualify for family inclusion, part of this parent's responsibility is to
honestly admit their past behaviors - including emotional and perhaps financial withdrawal from their kid/s.
Your option is to understand
why they did that and the results of it, rather
than judge them as an "irresponsible" or "uncaring" parent.
Another basic move you adults can make as your "new"
co-parent re-emerges
is to refresh
what you know about
personal conflict effectively. If you're not
clear on this, you have a great opportunity to learn more!
Some keys:
Conflicts are
normal and inevitable. They invite growth, and occur internally and interpersonally when two or more
clash.
Resolving conflicts
effectively requires all involved to...
-
who really needs
what, right now;
-
see each person's current needs as
and then...
-
respectfully
creative ways of
filling everyone's primary needs well enough.
|
Conflicts flourish
when one or more people (a) won't acknowledge the other's needs and
opinions are
just as legitimate as their own, and (b) deny doing that. Both are sure
signs of significant false-self
|
Help each other to separate your
and
interpersonal conflicts (need-clashes) and intentionally resolve your internal
disputes first. This takes patience, courage, and
Investing those will yield
smaller and simpler interpersonal conflicts, and speed the
return of personal and household harmony and relationship security for you
all.
Acknowledge that
you act to resolve your conflicts is just as important as the solutions
you try to brainstorm. Help each other become fluent with these seven
Project-2
and communication
to help
resolve any family disputes effectively. And...
Help each other remember that
it's
normal to have many concurrent conflicts in and between you
people and your homes. So stability will return faster if you all sort
them out and agree to focus on one conflict at a time.
Study, discuss, and apply the
learnings in co-parent
- and invite your "new" co-parent and any mate to join you if
they're ready to.
All
you co-parents refresh yourselves on
- promoting healthy
Count on each of your adults and kids re-experiencing
old divorce-related losses, and experiencing new losses
from changes caused by the returning bioparent. Making time to discuss and
clarify
your household and stepfamily
about "good grief" will lower family stress in the long run.
of low childhood
nurturance often have trouble grieving well, and don't know that. Chronic or
situational "depression" and "perpetual anger" can
indicate
That usually signals serious false-self
wounds. These can be improved, once acknowledged!
A final change-management choice you can make is to...
Review your stepfamily
these
wise
and
evolve your version of this sample Bill
of Personal Rights. If appropriate, give copies to your
"new" co-parent. I propose that each of your adults and kids has the
same basic set of human rights and responsibilities in your complex
situation. Do you agree? You co-parents fully accepting that premise can help you
keep the vital
(mutual respect) attitude that's essential for effective
forgiveness
and lasting conflict resolution.
You've just read eight ways you co-parents can help each other master the
five goals we started with above.
Continue
with options for resolving probable
personal, re/marital, and co-parenting problems caused by a bioparent's
reappearance.
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