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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/wounded.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles
that suggests practical solutions for common relationship problems in
families and
This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-paren-tal teamwork. This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site, who created it, and how to best
use it.
Ideas
here aim to augment, not replace, other informed professional
This three-page article is written to anyone
(a) feeling
excessive frustration, anxiety, or exaspera-tion ("stress") from the
behaviors of someone's ex mate, or (b) who supports such stressed people and
their families socially or profession ally.
This article proposes...
why many ex-mates' relationships remain
distrustful,
disrespectful, dishonest, over-guilty,
and hostile, despite those attitudes
hurting their minor kids; and...
15 practical options that
ex mates can use to gradually improve and stabilize their
relationship, for their child(ren)'s sakes and their own. Doing this is co-parent
building a co-parenting
team. This three-page article concludes with...
an
example
of how some of the 15 options might be applied in a typical two-home
|
The
ideas below assume you've studied these
general options for relating
well-enough to sig-nificantly-wounded people.
This article builds on these concepts to propose practical options to
rela-ting well enough to a psychologically-wounded ex mate. If you're not sure whether your
"problem ex-mate" is "significantly wounded," review this
comparison and these common
behavioral wound symp-toms, and
return. |
Perspective
As a professional stepfamily therapist since 1981, I've heard a
colorful array of passionate adjectives and adverbs describing ex mates. These
include the Claw, the Fang, the Bitch or Bastard,
the Wimp, the Wacko, the Stalker, the Prima Donna,
the Princess, the Slut, the Control Freak, the
and the
Often a frustrated
parent or their
new partner describes the parenting actions of an ex spouse as abusive, childish, thoughtless, insensitive, selfish, greedy, cruel, hare-brained, illegal, con-trolling, irresponsible, inept, stupid, dumb, and crazy.
When I've met these
"monsters," they usually feel misunderstood and misjudged, justified, ignored, betrayed, blamed, and
demeaned as persons, former mates, and as parents. With rare exceptions,
the ex mates I've met are
people who don't know it,
trying to do their best in a confusing, painful, conflictual family situation.
How can mutually critical and distrustful (wounded) ex mates and any new partners
(stepparents) evolve the caregiving
their minor kids urgently
need?
Why
Can't Typical Ex Mates Heal?
If you haven't recently, review these premises about the subselves
that form normal human
False-self personality dominance feels normal. It ranges from occasional to
moderate, to extreme, depending on the degree of early nurturance-deprivation
and trauma. Significant dominance causes
two to six
psychological
These
wounds cause common behaviors in kids and adults.
Once these wounds are
understood and
any person can intentionally
reduce
them (heal) over time. One way to do this is called
Our personality subselves behave like an athletic team or an orchestra. Our
inner families of subselves
range from chaotic to harmonious, in general and in conflicts and crises. How
harmonious has your inner family felt recently?
As a
man and a professional relationship therapist, I've studied and experienced divorce
and stepfamily life since 1974. I've also studied recovery from
childhood neglect since 1986 and inner family therapy since 1988. I now believe
significant false-self wounding is
one of three reasons why over half of U.S.
couples
psychologically or legally.
Implications
|
If these premises are true in your life, there are probably some
unpleasant implications.
Until you accept
these realities and act on them, they will govern your days and nights and probably harm your dependent kids. |
These 15 suggestions may seem pretty intellectual and abstract. To raise your
belief that these options really can improve your situation over time,