The Web address of
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/forgive.htm
Forgiving common stressors, continued...
Forgiving Abandonments
Here, abandonment means "not fulfilling key responsibilities to
another person." The most dramatic form of this is a parent or spouse
leaving their family with or without explanation or warning. A less obvi-ous and
powerful form is a child growing up with an
"emotionally unavailable" mother and/or father
The first case is usually caused by
two or three factors:
-
one or both mates are significantly
and...
-
can't
effectively, and possibly...
-
some overwhelming personal and/or family
trauma.
All three are usually beyond the
control of typical family adults, unless they have hit true
broken protective denials, and are proactively reducing their
and communication
Otherwise,
there is no willful offense to forgive, even tho the results inflict great
pain and loss.
Typical "emotionally-unavailable" adults are often
of very
childhoods who are unaware of - or deny - being unable to
with some or all people, including their own children. Where this is so, who is the offender?
Wounded parents' ancestors were usually
equally injured and unaware, so it's not their "fault." If you need to
blame someone, blame our ignorant society who hasn't yet acknowledged and
broken the
toxic [wounds + unawareness]
that stresses most families.
Notice your reaction to these ideas - specially if either "abandonment' case
applies to you or a loved one...
Forgiving the End of a
Relationship
The trauma of losing or ending a prized relationship stresses most people in
our society at some time in their lives. Many factors determine who felt offended
by whom, and whether forgiveness is merited. Relationships can end
because...
-
one person dies, becomes seriously disabled,
or moves away;
-
one person quits before their partner wants
to end; or...
-
both people agree to end their relationship;
If both
partners are genuinely
each of these instances cause regrets and
(broken bonds), and merit healthy
in all affected people. Whether forgiveness is merited depends on
many factors. For example...
If a person dies because of
willful self neglect, the survivors may need to admit and forgive that
as part of their mourning.
If one partner is unable or
unwilling to fill the other's
so s/he leaves, one or both people may need to forgive that lack or
choice;
If one partner "outgrows"
the other (e.g. commits to personal wound-reduction) and the dif-ferences
between them can't be bridged, there is no offense;
If one partner betrays the
other and they can't or won't re-grow lost trust and respect, grief and
forgiveness are mutually-healing choices;
If one partner is absent too
long (e.g. jail, foreign service, or missionary work) and the other
tires of waiting - is there an offense?
If one partner stays in a
toxic relationship "too long," s/he may need to forgive herself /
him-self for hoping unrealistically for improvement and wasting time and
opportunity;
If one partner leaves
without explanation or warning - see "abandonment" above;
If the relationship involved
some type of
and/or crime, one or both of the partners were
(GWCs). Since the latter is not a willful choice, their offenses were
probably beyond rational control. They merit regret, remor-se, grief,
and self-forgiveness. They do
not merit
any more than pneumonia or cancer do.
An epidemic type of American
relationship-splitting is psychological and legal
divorce. Whatever the circumstances,
each mate usually has regrets, losses, and needs to forgive themselves and
their ex for a range of things. These are compounded if the mates co-raise
one or more kids together.
Forgiveness and Divorce
Opinion - three primary
reasons for the ending of a committed relationship are:
-
one or both
partners made unwise
-
couples didn't know how to
effectively; and...
-
one partner "outgrows" the other - e.g. by
progressing on personal wound-recovery.
Can you think of other primary reasons over half
of American couples divorce legally or
psychologically?
Most divorcing couples, counselors, mediators, and judges aren't aware of
these primary factors, and focus only on surface reasons for breakups
like these...
|
addiction
child abuse
values conflicts
abandonment
in-law conflicts |
unfaithfulness
loss of respect
"falling out of love"
sexual dissatisfaction
health stressors |
domestic violence
loss of interest
too little time together
money problems
irresponsibility |
Surface (secondary) issues like
these are real, and do cause real hurts. From this view,
typical part-ners need to forgive themselves and each other for such
offenses. However - looking at the three primary reasons for divorce, do you
see any offenses that merit apologies and forgiveness?
Some people argue that if a couple divorces, their parents didn't prepare
them well enough to main-tain a primary relationship. If true, such parents
are usually wounded and unaware themselves. Are they to blame for this? Are
their (wounded, unaware) parents? I vote No. They all merit
empathy and compas-sion, not blame. Do you agree?
Regardless of the reasons, every psychological and legal divorce causes
significant
that need to be grieved well by all affected people. Typical
and their kids often have trouble mourning thoroughly. Are your and your
family's
healthy and effective?
Parents Who Divorce
Premise - the long process of parental
significantly stresses dependent kids if they're
If they're not, the parents and kids are seriously
Healthy biological parents feel intense remorse, regret, guilt, and sadness
if their kids suffer from the adults' relationship stress and breakup.
step, foster, and adoptive parents may feel these, depending
on the quality of their relationships with their dependent kids. Unless
parents are in denial, they may need to forgive themselves and each other for
unintentionally hurting their kids.
Typical childless divorcers can end contact if they wish to. Divorcing
parents usually can't, because of ongoing concern and responsibilities for
their kids. That means several things:
-
divorcing parents may develop new conflicts over ongoing
child support, visitations, and custody, This is specially likely if
they're wounded and haven't learned to problem-solve effectively;
-
they can't distance themselves from pre-divorce
relationship
and often don't know how to identify and reduce them; and...
-
their kids and relatives may continue to be
distresses over the parents' conflicts and traits, which can increase the
parent's stress.
These factors can combine to make self and mutual
forgiveness for pre-divorce offenses (and personal wound recovery)
significantly harder.
Family-relationship complexity increases if either or both ex mates choose
new partners - with or without their own kids. Often the new partner is
divorcing or widowed - and has her or his own relationship barriers to admit
and reduce. The odds for serious dislikes, disrespects, and disputes among
stepfamily co-parents, kids, and relatives is significantly higher than
average intact biofamilies.
Implications -
-
potential new partners do well to assess
early in their courtship (a) stepfamily
and
and (b) the status of relationship barriers between their new love and
his or her ex mate and their relatives - including incomplete grief.
See
-
effective co-parenting becomes more
challenging because typical minor stepkids have many new
adjustment tasks requiring informed
and empathic adult help to master; so....
-
new-stepfamily adults should expect
significant
and relationship stressors to hinder
forgiving themselves and each other for prior mistakes and offenses.
The
key to mastering these challenges and protecting your kids is to (a)
accept the reality of the [wounds + unawareness]
and (b) commit to protecting all of you
from it's toxic effects.
So far, we've explored requisites for forgiveness, and options for
forgiving yourself and other people. Now let's look at...
Inviting Others to Forgive You
You can't make someone let go of their hurt, resentment, and blame
toward you. You can do things that make letting go more likely over time.
Identify what options are within your control, and
those that
aren't. Also, periodically review these ideas on key
attitudes
that shape the relationship-quality be-tween
you two.
The most powerful things within your control are to...
-
patiently shift personality
control from your
to your
via
real (vs. pseudo)
-
forgive
yourself for
divorce-related actions,
-
genuinely forgive the
other person/s: for your and any kids' sakes, not the other
adult's; and then...
-
consider whether you feel like offering a genuine (vs. guilt-based)
apology for your offense/s.
If you choose to do these, you're likely to
affirm the inherent dignity and worth in you and any offender,
despite past wounds, disappointments, betrayals, and "mistakes."
It's hard for people to maintain resentment towards someone who has the
courage and humility to say directly, and mean, something like:
"(Name), I believe I hurt you, when I (name the specific event or
cause). I am truly sorry you suffered because of my need to (name
your specific
that motivated (the hurtful event)."
It's also hard for another to stay in blame-and-attack mode if you make a
point to learn effective communication
and
use them, based on a genuine
attitude of
. You
probably can't really do this without (a) your Self guiding you, and
(b) forgiving your self and the
other person/s.
If you take steps like these over time and another person continues to blame and revile you, accept that that s/he's unaware s/he's
ruled by a protective false self - and you didn't cause that, and can't affect
it. You can
and enforce your
with
dignity, trust your Self and Higher Power, keep your daily
and focus steadily on developing long-term
and
pursuing
your
All things change...
Recap
All human relationships are speckled with hurts, frustrations, and
"offenses." Forgiveness is a way of relieving This article offers
perspective and options on forgiving yourself and other people. The first
page offers...
-
perspective on what forgiveness is,
and how it relates to revenge, regret and remorse, shame and guilt, and
"sin."
-
the difference between pseudo and
true
forgiveness;
-
basic requisites for forgiveness;
-
options for forgiving yourself and someone else; and...
-
common primary and secondary social offenses
that merit forgiveness;
This page outlines specific ideas on...
-
perspective on forgiving divorce-related
offenses, and hindrances if ex-mates with kids choose a new partner;
and...
-
options for creating a pro-forgiveness environment
with people who haven't been able to pardon you for past offenses.
If you learned something useful from
reading this - what is it, and what do you want to do with it?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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