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This is one
of a group of articles that
propose solutions to common
between
family members. Other
articles focus on improving relations between ex
mates, stepparents and stepkids, stepsiblings, and stepfamily relatives.
These ideas are meant to augment, not replace, stepfamily-aware
Read this
for perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best
use it. In these articles, the "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article assumes you're
familiar with these ideas...
This article is written to
people who believe that
an important genetic or legal relative (in-law) is - or may be -
to something.
"Relative" here includes your and - any current or former partner's
- living or dead parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces,
nephews, cousins, and their legal counter-parts. Keep in mind
the premise that all
four kinds
of addiction are clear symptoms of (a) major personal
(b) false-self
(psychological)
and (c) a
childhood and family.
Addiction is a family
problem, not an individual one! This article offers...
-
perspective on why this article exists, and what's unique about adapting
to an addicted relative vs. other adults;
-
options for preparing
to confront an addicted relative;
-
a quiz (status
check) on your basic addiction knowledge,
-
options for assessing
the relative for
significant
psychological wounds and one or more addictions; and...
-
confrontation options if the relative
is
addicted (wounded), including confronting any enablers.
Other articles in this series
describe
options for managing your own addiction,
and adapting to an addicted mate,
ex mate,
or child.
Perspective
My
professional experience as a family-systems therapist since 1981 suggests
that well over half of typical American families are governed by adults who
were raised in a low-nurturance childhood.
A com-mon symptom of low family
nurturance is addiction - the toxic compulsion to reduce
and/or distract from major inner pain despite harmful effects of
doing so. In other words, it appears that many average U.S. mates and/or
children have one or more living or dead relatives who are - or were -
addicted to a sub-stance, activity, mood, or relationship.
This can (a) cause ongoing or escalating family-relationship stress and
health problems, and (b) increase the odds that without informed
parental intervention, the young members of the family will inherit the
toxic
of this pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
Because these factors are scary, the typical reaction to addicted relatives
are denial ("S/He's not
addicted"); minimizing ("It's not that bad");
procrastinating ("Yeah, we
ought to confront Pat sometime");
rationalizing ("Let's analyze why Alex is addicted"); avoidance
("We better not invite Luanda to the party"); and/or pity and/or scorn
("S/He's weak, irresponsible, and pitiful. S/He ought to admit the problem
and get help"). Responses like these (a)
the addicted person, and (b) promote the toxic family effects of the wounds
(pain) and
causing the addiction.
Even if family adults admit a relative is addicted, they often don't know
what their options are - so they do nothing, or they act ineffectively. This
series of articles on addictions,
recovery, and options offers explicit suggestions on how to understand and
respond to family addiction.
Premise -
assessing whether someone's genetic
or legal relative has a true addiction (i.e. is significantly wounded) and then acting responsibly on your
results is harder than doing these with most non-relatives, except perhaps close
friends. Your ancestry, genes, relationship, and family roles offer
special challenges and opportunities for successful confrontations. In this
context, a "confrontation" is a
calm, caring assertion of your perceptions, concerns, and needs, not an attack,
guilt-trip, combative challenge, or manipulation.
Discovering an addicted relative implies (a) you and/or any primary
partner may be
significantly wounded (and addicted?) and denying that; (b) your present or
future primary relationship may be in jeopardy, and (c)
any kids, nieces, and/or nephews you care about are at risk of
significant
false-self wounds. Pause and
notice where your thoughts go now...
These scary factors can promote your...
-
that
the relative in question may be wounded and addicted (reality distortion),
-
discounting the personal and family
of your
relative's wounds, and/or...
-
admitting the relative is significantly wounded and
addicted, and doing nothing about that - i.e.
the person and
promoting a low-nurturance family. And...
-
If a false self
runs your life, the risk of
codependence (losing your
and trying to
(take
responsibility for) an addicted relative may be higher than with others you care
about except your mate or a child.
Do these premises seem reasonable to you? This article is based on them. As
you read this, stay aware that that
this article is not intended to be a cookbook how-to solution. It and
the other articles in this series aims to increase your awareness and
ability to make wise choices about an inherently complex family stressor.
First Things First
See if you agree with these premises:
-
any addiction (toxic compulsion) is a sure symptom of
major
false-self
(psychological)
and personal
-
addictions can be controlled (vs.
cured) once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and wants to learn a new way of managing (reducing) their pain
and healing their wounds;
-
Without family (vs. personal)
awareness and true (vs. pseudo)
wounds and unawareness
the generations;
-
Typical
(i.e. their ruling subselves) unconsciously choose (a) other
psychologically-wounded people as partners and associates, and (b)
low-nurturance social environments,
over and over again, despite painful results.
Check Yourself for
Wounds and Ignorance
Implication - the
first thing to do if you feel a key relative has an addiction is to
for (a) false-self wounds and (b) your own addiction -
specially
Recall that some protective
distort reality. That can manifest as your denying, minimizing, or
rationalizing any signs of wounds or addiction in you.
If you feel you have
significant traits of an addiction, make
reducing that a higher priority than assessing your
relative for
wounds and addiction. Well-meaning Guardian subselves will try to persuade
you to ignore, discount, or delay doing this.
|
If (a) you have significant inner wounds and perhaps your own
addiction/s, and (b) you're not steadily giving high priority to reducing
them, the ideas in this article will probably be of little practical use to
you. |
To help an addicted (wounded) relative and protect any dependent kids from
the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle you
also need accurate knowledge of some key
concepts. To assess your current knowledge, try this...
Check Your
Knowledge
Get undistracted, and reflect honestly on these items. T
= true; F = false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can
describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I accept
that personality subselves are normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read this letter to you, and try
this interesting, safe exercise.
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a sign of a low-nurturance family, and that
_ addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are wounded
and cannot control their compulsion without help, not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," controlled by "demons," or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can
clearly define _ what an
addiction is, and
_ the four kinds of addiction. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in an addict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
traits of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can
describe the main
difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having
"an addictive personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or
what to do about it". (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
responsive Higher Power (T F ?)
I can
describe _ pseudo recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction,
_ addiction
relapses, and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I
understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is responding to these items now
or I know which other subself is responding. (T
F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now...When you
have assessed yourself for
false-self wounds, and can confidently answer T(rue)
to each of the items above, you're ready to take another
vital preparatory step...
Check Your
Partner and Your
Relationship
If you have no primary partner or don't expect to have one, go
here.
This nonprofit Web site proposes that
family nurturance levels are highest when
the adult leaders consistently want to put their
and
first, their primary relationship second,
and everything else third, except in emergencies. Does this describe your
recent actions (vs. your words)? If you are in a committed primary
relationship now, assessing your
partner and your relationship is a higher priority than assessing a relative
for addiction, unless you believe someone is in current danger. If
your reaction to this premise begins with "Yes, but..."; a false self
probably controls you.
To assess (a) your partner for
false-self wounds and (b) possible addiction, see these
options.
How well and how often are your respective
being filled
recently? If you conclude "not well enough," you
probably have several fundamental
to admit and improve, not just
confronting an relative's addiction and its effects on your multi-home family.
If the target person is your partner's relative, how does
s/he feel about your assessing that person for addiction? If your mate is
significant anxious, indifferent, ambivalent, or resistant, s/he may be
(a) wounded, (b) not grounded well enough on wounds and/or
addictions, and/or may be (c) scared by possible personal and/or family
implications of the relative's addiction.
If so, resolving any barriers to full cooperation with you is probably a
higher priority than assessing the relative for toxic compulsions.
If you feel you and your partner
(a) have no major wounds, addictions,
ambivalences, or
primary-relationship problems now, and (b) are each knowledgeable enough
about wound, addiction, and recovery basics, then
you're ready to...
Assess Your Relatives for Wounds and Addictions
The
rest of this article assumes your true Self usually
your other personality
in calm and conflictual times. If you're not sure of this, or you feel that
a protective false self rules you
too often, I urge you to make
personal
and
higher priorities than confronting a relative about addiction - unless
someone's health or life is at risk.
| If you seek to learn whether a
biorelative or in-law is addicted or not,
focus on the real questions first:
(a) "Does s/he bear major false
self wounds? If so, (b) "Does s/he know that, and what that means
to our relationship and family?" For more perspective,
read this article and return here. Assessing your relatives effectively depends
partly on your
and their respective
family
Let's look first at your...
|
Genetic Parents and
Grandparents
Perhaps the most emotionally-complex relative to assess for addiction and
wounds is your mother,
father, or a grandparent. Specially in
families, grown
children often "become very young" (are taken over by
in the presence of a demanding, angry,
critical, or needy
older (grand)parent."
You were probably
taught since your earliest years that you have to love, "honor"
(respect and revere), and care for your biological (or psychological)
elders, no matter how they behaved - yes? This well-meant training
can spawn powerful semi-conscious behavioral rules like these:
-
"If I anger, defy, scorn, ignore, or scare
("upset") my (Grand)mother or (Grand)father, I am a bad person / child (and I must be
a good child)."
-
"If I don't put my parents' needs and wishes
above my own, I'm selfish and bad."
-
"If my parent disagrees with me, I must
defer to her or him because s/he knows more than I do."
-
"I must not do anything that would (a) cause
my parent pain, guilt, fear, or shame; or (b) risk her or his rejecting
me."
-
"My (grand)parent is too set in her (his)
ways, and won't change no matter what I say - so I should not frustrate
both of us by challenging or confronting her or him."
-
"My (grand)parent did the best s/he could at
raising me, so I should not do anything that would suggest s/he was a
'bad' caregiver, despite major mistakes."
Old shoulds, musts, and have-to's
(rules) like these can hinder your empathically assessing and
confronting your (grand)parent/s on any wounds and addictions.
So your first step here is to
identify and revise any such rules into more wholistically-healthy ones like
these:
-
"As a worthy, dignified adult, I should
honor my (grand)parents' and my own rights,
and values
without guilt, shame, or anxiety."
-
"Compassionately assessing my (grand)parents
(or anyone) for wounds and addiction is a caring gift, not an attack or
insult."
-
"I should respect my
as much or more (if I have to choose) than I respect the dignity of my (grand)parent."
-
"Avoiding a caring confrontation with my
(grand)parent on any wounds and addiction/s (a)
her (his) pain, and possible illness
and early death; and avoidance (b) reduces our family's
nurturance-level. Mt relatives may not understand or agree with this."
-
"I
am not responsible for my (Grand)parent's wounds and/or addiction/s, or
how they react to a well-meant confrontation about these. I am
responsible for judging what I can and cannot
and related actions.
-
"I have a responsibility to our family's
descendents to try to break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle
that may stress our genetic and legal family members now. The rights,
worth, and wholistic health of
our descendents are just as important as mine and those of my living
relatives."
Premise - the rules that
govern your (and your relatives') values and behaviors are held by the
subselves that control your
So replacing unhealthy childhood rules with new ones like those above
requires subselves like the
and
to "changing their minds." You best chance to accomplish this challenge is
through some form of patient Project-1
If you're ruled by a well-meaning
your dominant subselves will probably avoid or postpone this rule-updating,
and/or
it. If that happens, you'll probably be ambivalent ("split") and ineffective
in any confrontation with your relative/s. Restated - your best chance to
make permanent (second-order)
to your core behavioral rules is with your true Self consistently
your
of subselves (personality). Is this true of you now?
Recap - you have inherited someone else's primal rules about behaving
"right" with your parents and grandparents. To confront these
relatives successfully
about any wounds and addictions now, you need to first (a) affirm your
personal rights as a dignified, worthy
person, (b) identify your
rules, and (c) update them where appropriate. To do that, your Self (capital
"S") will need to convince a dedicated group of other subselves to want
to change their old rules for the long-term benefit of your family, its
descendents, and our society. No small challenge!
Status Check - on a scale of
one (I'm not interested in updating my relationship rules with my
(grandparent/s)
to ten ("I'm very
motivated to update my rules),
I'm now a ___. If you're below (say) seven, lower your expectations about
the practical value of this article.
Continue
with options for assessing former in-laws, and confronting relatives
about wounds, addictions, and enabling.
