The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/basics2.htm
Premises about stepfamily
relationships, continued...
Premise 12) Relations
among stepfamily kinfolk are specially prone to
and interpersonal
conflict because...
-
Stepfamily members are often confused about their
so the
shoulds, oughts, and musts
are much less clear than in intact biofamilies; and...
-
There are often
over who
belongs to a stepfamily - "Who are we supposed to
care about (and expect loyal support from)?"; and...
-
Typical step-people are confused about how to "do" their
alien new stepfamily
("How am
I supposed to feel and act toward my partner's ex mate's
brother?"); and...
-
Typical
multi-generational
stepfamilies have
than
biofamilies, all trying to
three or more
sets of biofamily traditions, values, customs, liabilities, and assets
without social norms and guidelines. A
75-member, three-generational stepfamily can have [(75 x 74) / 2] =
2,775
relationships to initiate, negotiate, and stabilize!; and...
-
If
one or more stepfamily mates were previously divorced (vs. widowed),
the odds of unresolved inter-relative
are higher than in average intact
biofamilies; and...
-
Typical stepkids have 30 or more
concurrent family-adjustment needs. These
promote their "acting out" at home and school, which raises the
incidence of divisive
and
among stepfamily relatives.
|
The point: rigidly expecting yourself and your step-relatives to meet
biofamily ideals that "family members
must like, love,
respect, honor, and support each other" is apt to harvest
significant stress and conflict in and among you all. |
This is specially likely where several to many relatives (a) bear significant psychological
(b) have
unrealistic stepfamily
expectations, and (c) don't know how to
My clinical research since 1979 suggests this is our current American
norm.
A more realistic rule might be "We stepfamily relatives
may
learn to like, respect, and enjoy
each other or not, over some years of experiences. We
adults (a) should explore this honestly for our minor kids' sakes, and
(b) accept that some or many of us will never really want to be close
and 'loving' to others of us, without being bad
people." (A D ?)
13)
Growing mutual acceptance, trust,
respect, and admiration in any relationship takes years of
shared experiences. This is specially
true if contacts and shared experiences are limited to
holidays and
celebrations. Steppeople who accept and
expect that, vs. rigidly expecting "instant bonding," will have more
satisfaction and serenity. Emily and John Visher's wise motto
provides practical guidance: "In eight (years
after re/wedding) it (our stepfamily
relationships) will be great!"
These 13 premises aim to help your stepfamily adults get clear and
realistic about resolving
and relationship problems that
you will experience.
Options
How can your adults use these premises to promote caring and harmony
among your family members over time? You have many choices:
|
Option: co-parents
(a) decide whether
can significantly improve your stepfamily relationships. If you
think so, (b) invite all other family adults to
for
false-self
and help each other
in your adults
and kids, over time. If your step-relatives aren't interested in
doing this, expect significant stress among you all to
continue or increase, over time. |
Option: co-parent mates decide on (at least) four basic attitudes about
step-relative conflicts: "We (vs. our relative/s)
are responsible
for...
-
(a)
and
our needs respectfully,
(b) admitting (vs. denying) our conflicts, and (c)
them
as
-
deciding whether to focus on short-term problem resolution, or on
long-term
stepfamily-building;
-
judging stepfamily conflicts as bad, or as
useful chances to grow; and
co-parents are responsible for...
-
learning how our relatives feel about each of these three
attitudes, and discussing our stepfamily's
and
together as
mutually-respectful teammates.
See this
co-parent
attitude inventory for more
awareness.
Option: together,
define the traits of the
multi-generational
stepfamily you'd
like to build over time. Discuss and clarify how you'd like
your web of stepfamily relationships to feel. Help each other stay focused on
what's possible, rather than on unrealistic
ideals - i.e. be affectionately alert for your
false selves trying to
distort your
visions!
Option: family adults
(a) choose a long-range view
(e.g. the next 20 years), and (b)
commit to helping each other progress on
together for everyone's well-being.
Option: give copies (or the Web addresses) of relevant articles in this site to every
older teen and adult in your stepfamily. Use the articles as guides in any significant conflict - as teammates
with common goals,
vs. opponents. Initiate discussions about these premises and options over time, and
expect confusion, resistance, and even hostility without judgment. Keep
your sense of humor, and your
in
More options about preventing and resolving step-kin
conflicts...
Option: co-parents
initiate a friendly stepfamily-wide "should" safari.
Identify the specific shoulds, oughts, and musts
about "family relationships" that each of your adults brings to
the merger of your biofamilies. See where you agree and disagree - as teammates,
not opponents or unrelated people. Then review each
one to see if it fits your perception of stepfamily
realities.
(This presumes you know such realities). If it doesn't fit, grant yourselves
permission to evolve new shoulds that most of you are comfortable
enough
with.
Option: help each other
become skilled at spotting and resolving divisive
and
conflicts and
associated
which are
inevitable. Success at this depends on your co-parents (a)
your true Selves in
charge, (b) maintaining mutual-respect attitudes, and (c)
learning to use effective-communication
together. Give
special attention to the powerful skill of
below your surface (secondary) problems to the
that cause them.
Option: co-parents
intentionally identify and ask step-people their experience
- and attitudes about -
conflicts among step-relatives. If you're in a co-parent
support
group or online forum, suggest that
your group focus co-operatively on one or more
meetings on building "guidelines for handling step-relative conflicts
effectively." This is part of the universal goal of "Handling relationship conflicts effectively." Use
Project-2 articles, worksheets, and
selected readings
as resources.
Option: use the
other articles in this
Solutions series as rich resources to help you resolve specific relationship
problems that may come up among you kinfolk, as your stepfamily evolves.
Option: try the interesting, safe,
non-combative board games
The
Ungame
or
LifeStories.
Make (vs. "find") time to play these games together with groups of your
relatives, starting with people you live with. These games foster self and
mutual awareness, supportive laughter, some tears, and new
empathy and respect for each unique person in your rich group of
adults and kids. These promote the family-wide caring and companionship
you all would like to enjoy!
And
you all have this...
Option:
have some fun
encouraging each other to become (step)family "praise
agents." Help each other develop the (a) motivation and (b) ability to spot praiseworthy traits and actions in
yourselves and other family kids and adults. Strengthen your
and
skills, and look for chances to give dodge-proof
affirmations to each other. Help each
other (a) identify and (b) celebrate your stepfamily
strengths and human assets!
Use the spirit of these options to
suggest others that fit your unique stepfamily traits, people,
and circumstances.
+ + +
Decide if your
this
article, and notice your reactions to
these options...
-
enthusiasm or apathy?
-
Interest and enthusiasm, or indifference and
apathy?
-
Optimism
or pessimism? (inner voices - "Ridiculous! Waste of time! Phony! My relatives
will never go along with this stuff! Won't make any difference! My parents
never did any stuff like this! Too touchy-feely!";
etc.).
Reflect for a moment on why you read this article. What did you need? Did
you get it? If not, what
you need now?
Recap
All families have relationship "problems" - conflicts over
values, priorities, assets, boundaries, and primary needs.
Typical multi-home divorcing families and stepfamilies have more conflicts than average intact biofamilies. Do you agree? This is
specially stressful for minor sons and daughters trying to accept and
rebalance after family death, divorce, and parental re/marriage and/or
cohabiting.
Conflicts among blood and
legal step-relatives, in laws, and ex-in-laws are unique because...
-
there
are more people, roles, and family adjustment-tasks
that can clash;
-
most stepfamily relatives are
of
primary needs and
-
divorced-family and stepfamily relatives are more likely
to have significant psychological
(which breed
conflicts), and...
-
social and ancestral customs imprint us with powerful
shoulds, oughts, and musts about how (bio)family
relatives are "supposed to" feel and act together. Often these biofamily
rules create stress among step-relatives, until your adults revise them
to fit stepfamily norms and
realities.
Your personal serenity and household harmony is
proportional to how your (step)family members handle their internal and
interpersonal
conflicts. That depends on the (a)
attitudes, (b) thinking and resolution
and
(c) examples provided by the adults in each of your related homes - starting with
you.
This is the first of a
of
Solutions Web articles focused on
resolving conflicts among genetic and legal relatives in
divorcing families and stepfamilies. "Relatives" here
include influential dead ancestors, and adults and kids distanced by geography and/or
major disputes - like ex-mates and their kin.
Other sets of
Solutions articles focus on preventing and resolving relationship problems between mates, ex mates, stepparents
and stepkids, and stepsiblings.
This initial article offers 13 basic premises
about conflicts among
in-laws and ex in-laws. They come from these
basic premises about resolving any
conflicts. This article invites
you to (a) agree with and use these premises, or (b) clarify your
premises - individually, and as co-parenting teammates. The article closes
with a set of choices for patiently building high-nurturance relationships with your many old and new relatives.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you
get what you needed? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise
or
Next:
study this article on relating to psychologically-wounded
people...
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