|
 |
|
of
- evolve a high-nurturance co-parenting
team |
 |
Resolve Boundary Problems
Between Step-Relatives
Assert Your Limits and
Enforce
Them Respectfully - p. 1 of 2
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/boundaries.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This
is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family
relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each
article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs.
replace,
other
professional help. The
"/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents"
means both bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a
multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
Get more from this article by thoughtfully reviewing...
This article focuses on special considerations common to boundary conflicts
between
It
(a) defines boundaries, (b) gives examples of boundary violations,
and offers (c) 16 options to help co-parents resolve boundary conflicts, and
(d) a brief example. Note the related articles on resolving boundary
conflicts between
mates,
ex
mates, and
stepparents and stepkids.
 Perspective
Here,
boundary means a limit that an adult or child sets
with other people to regulate
their own comfort or safety.
For example, a boundary we all enforce is how physically close we'll
allow other people to get to us without reacting. Another word for
boundary is tolerance - e.g. "I can tolerate you chewing tobacco,
but not smoking cigars."
Walls, doors, curtains, fences, locks, clothing, (some) writing, and answering machines
provide physical boundaries. Words and thoughts like "No,"
"OK," "Stop," "Don't," "Not now," "That
hurts," and "Not that way" communicate
behavioral (interpersonal) boundaries.
So do speech dynamics, facial expressions, ("Noriko looked disgusted.") and body language. Some boundaries
are communicated
unconsciously, and others intentionally. They regulate our dynamic emotional
and physical comfort, moment to moment. We
set boundaries with ourselves ("I force myself to eat breakfast, though I'm
not hungry") and with all other people. Modeling our boundaries over
time will significantly affect our descendants' boundaries.
Relationships are more apt to thrive when both people (a) feel their
primary (vs. surface)
are
met well enough, often enough. This includes the primal need to have their key boundaries known and
by the other
person often enough. Our boundaries affect relationships when we
them subtly or forcefully, and
when we perceive that
another person is uncomfortable with some action of ours ("Janet goes berserk if you
mention abortion!")
Effective
boundaries meet all affected people's primary needs well enough. They require: (a) self-
(b) asserting the
limits and consequences clearly and respectfully, vs. aggressively or timidly; and (c) enforcing the consequences
promptly and firmly. Like child
discipline, boundaries without meaningful consequences are
toothless.
Saying "I won't put up with your profanity!" means little, unless
there is an action that gives the statement some meaning - like ending
a phone call, reducing contact, leaving the table or room, or some more forceful
confrontation. All three factors can cause relationship problems -
e.g. "I can tolerate your not eating red meat, but I won't go along with the
(aggressive, unempathic)
you dictate what we eat."
Boundary conflicts happen
when two family members' limits don't mesh - for example, "I need the
thermostat set to 74 degrees in the winter, with the windows closed;"
clashes with "Well anything over 68 degrees makes me real uncomfortable, and
I need my fresh air!" These are similar to
which are specially common and stressful in typical multi-home stepfamilies.
Boundary violations
occur when someone accidentally or intentionally exceeds another person's
tolerance limit for something. When the violator is clearly aware of the
boundary s/he's crossing, their behavior sends an insulting
to the violated person. It's easy for distracted, over-busy caregivers to
ignore or violate a child's boundaries "for their own good." This can
shame
a child by teaching them that their limits are unimportant. Children range from submissive to aggressively demanding
that
their limits be respected.
Learning Each Other's
Boundaries
Recall a friend you've known a long time. Through trial, error, observation,
and discussion, you and s/he have each learned and adapted to each
other's many boundaries well enough. When you meet a person for the
first time, you each assume a set of the other's boundaries from life
experience and social convention ("Common courtesy says that I don't ask
you about your sexual fantasies or spiritual beliefs right away...").
As you get to know each other, you gradually learn together which of your assumptions are
accurate - e.g. "Well, I'm
really not that excited about the life-cycle of scorpions."
Biofamily members have learned each other's boundaries and consequences over years of
daily living and special occasions. Part of courtship is learning each other's boundaries,
and how we react if they're disrespected (violated). Marriage suggests that mates
believe that their partner wants to respect their most important boundaries
often enough.
Typically, genetic and legal relatives of each re/marrying co-parent don't know each other.
One of the several dozen adjustment
tasks facing all new stepfamily relatives is
learning each other's boundaries, and what happens if they're exceeded.
Each person, relationship, and family, develops a
"style" of asserting boundaries and reacting when they're violated
-
e.g. calmly, humorously, timidly, aggressively,...
Do you know your styles?
stepfamily re/wedding,
cohabiting, and co-parenting cause kids
and adults to form and (maybe) declare new boundaries about behavior and belongings ("If you're late picking Jennifer up one more time, I'm going to
..."). As co-parents start to date seriously, members of
biofamilies
begin to learn and react to each other's boundaries. This learning process can be
respectful and harmonious, or make local headlines.
It often takes years of communicating and shared experiences before
this discovery process stabilizes.
Some boundaries change suddenly or gradually - with experience, age, health shifts,
and environmental changes. Because each of us, our families, and our world
are change ceaselessly, the process of learning our personal and interpersonal boundaries never
ends...
Bottom line: interpersonal
boundaries and consequences inevitably affect the quality of each stepfamily
relationship. They are one of an interactive array of
that all stepfamily adults and kids must
and stabilize, over years of experience and negotiation.
If you're having a "boundary problem" with one or more
stepfamily relatives,
what are your options? The first one is to get clear on...
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Typical boundary problems with
relatives superficially look like these:
-
Your grandmother calls your
house many times a week to "see how you are," then talks
endlessly;
-
A gregarious aunt and uncle
repeatedly "drop in" for dinner unannounced, and "stay
forever;"
-
A well-meaning step-grandfather
publicly criticizes your stepson's biofather as being "a lousy deadbeat,
and a poor excuse for a parent;"
-
Your new mate's married sister
lets her three-year old child damage belongings in your home, without
apology or offers to repay;
-
An adult cousin you confide in
about stepfamily matters repeatedly "tells the whole world"
(gossips), and becomes huffy when you protest;
-
Your adult stepsister drives
your child to a school activity when she's drunk;
-
Your parents humorously
criticize your new spouse's family as "bumpkins" and
"lowbrows;"
-
Your adolescent stepdaughter's
other stepparent repeatedly acts lewd and seductive toward her.
The theme of all these examples is (a) a relative acts in a way that's
offensive to you (crosses your boundary); (b) without empathy for or awareness
of your limits or feelings; and (c) you feel some significant mix of
disrespect, hurt, anxiety, frustration, guilt, or embarrassment (public
shame). That brew usually evokes repressed or expressed resentment and
- specially if the boundary-violation continues after you hint,
that your
relative (want to) change her or his behavior.
Boundary problems differ in emotional complexity.
Simple problems occur when
(a) you
and your mate both dislike, resent, or fear a relative's behavior, and
(b) neither of you, nor any child, sees a major risk to your re/marriage or a
child's welfare from firmly confronting the relative. Many boundary conflicts in intact
biofamilies are "simple."
A
complex boundary
problem arises when (a) you mates argue about the violation, and/or
the perceived risk of confronting the violator; or (b) one or both of you
fear that confronting the relative may prompt legal, financial, or emotional
retribution from another relative - typically a hostile ex mate. A variation
happens when (c) a minor child is terrified that your confronting their blood
or step relative will cause "something really bad" to happen to them
and/or someone they care about.
In simple and complex cases, co-parents (like you) have three basic
choices:
-
Ignore, minimize, or tolerate the boundary violation, hoping that
the offense will "go away" by itself. The price of this choice
is usually some degree of ongoing irritation, guilt, and anxiety, - and (often)
allowing your
to control your life. Or you can...
-
Focus on the surface
problem, which typically involves blaming the offending
relative overtly or covertly. This usually promotes escalating arguments,
avoidances, counterattacks, and hostilities that ripple and compound through the whole
fostering stressful
and
distrusts; Or co-parents can...
-
Work together to discover
the primary (underlying) problems causing the boundary problems, and use these
communication
to respectfully
and enforce their boundaries
with the
appropriate people - starting with themselves.
Let's look at this last option ...
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
A basic premise for all that follows is that
the
co-parents in a stepfamily are jointly
responsible for spotting and resolving "significant" boundary
conflicts and violations by blood or legal kinfolk. The
related premise is that such violations usually threaten the
growth, and security of resident and visiting minor kids - directly or
indirectly, minor to major. Co-parents are responsible for defending dependent kids'
boundaries, and teaching them how to assert and enforce their own. Did your caregivers do
that?
Most boundary conflicts and violations among stepfamily relatives
are caused by one or more of these six problems:
1) One
or more co-parents are dominated by a false self
and don't know that, or what to do about it. The solution is to commit to
wound-
and
via patient work at
When it exists, this primary problem amplifies all the others below.
2) One
or both co-parents aren't clear on their personal boundaries
(limits). An effective solution is to use personal
and
skills to identify what they (you) need. See this
example
for perspective; or...
3) Co-parents
are clear on their limit/s, but they feel
or
about
asserting and/or enforcing them. This often indicates the
person is
or
(wounded),
and/or they're not clear on (a)
their rights
as dignified persons, and/or (b) their
as a couple;
4) One
or both mates are clear on their limits, and don't know how to
and enforce their boundaries effectively. They also may not know how to
identify and resolve
and
conflicts, and associated relationship
Doing
together can solve this over time
if mates' true Selves are guiding their personalities;
5) One
or both mates
are
clear, justified, and know how to assert - and
the perceived consequences, realistically or not. The fears can be
combinations of...
-
the co-parents'
re/marriage is fragile, and one or both fear
possible separation or re/divorce. This
is a
problem, not a boundary problem!
See
-
someone
fears giving a relative full responsibility for (a) feeling their true
emotions, and (b) filling his or her own needs
- e.g. "We can't (safely) confront Martha on drinking and driving,
because (the unspoken family illusion is) your Mother would have a heart
attack!" Co-dependence is a symptom of
unclear or missing personal boundaries
which
often indicates false-self
semi-conscious
of
fear abandonment, excessive
and a fuzzy or
personal
identity. Progress on Project 1 can improve all of these, over time.
-
someone fears breaking one or more unquestioned
old
and (a)
being a bad person, and/or (b) outraging key relatives and being scorned
or rejected by them. The rules can be some mix or variation of
these:
"It is not (safe / "right" / legitimate /
respectable / "Christian" / ...) for (fe/males / kids
/ old people / in-laws / any family member) to ...
ask for (or demand) what you want; and/or to ...
express anger / strong feelings / disagreement / outrage / limits
/ ...; and/or to ...
confront (elders / a certain person / men / mothers / ...); or
to...
question or dispute this family rule."
This nets out to "Someone's
boundary is (or was) that we never confront or discuss personal
or household boundary violations in this family." A
special case of this fear is if...
-
Someone has hidden a
serious health, legal, or financial problem (e.g. addiction or
promiscuity) that will become known if co-parents openly confront the
relative's boundary violation. Major
are often signs of historical low family
and related false-self wounds in family adults and kids. The master secret is "We won't tell
ourselves or anyone else that we have significant family secrets."
This fear of confrontation
can happen when personal boundaries and key family
rules conflict: e.g. "I can't let Martha drive my child to
school when she's drunk" (personal boundary), and "your family
is denying Martha's chemical dependence and what it means"
(unspoken rule: "Our family members, including in-laws, don't talk
about Martha's 'problem'");
A final problem blocking problem-resolution may be ...
6) The person whose boundary was
violated is giving someone else the responsibility for reducing their
discomfort. A version of this is co-parents' discounting their own
judgment or ability, and over-relying on the advice or guidance of a close
friend, a family elder, or professional authority (clergy, doctor,
counselor, lawyer, educator, author, talk-show host, guru, mentor, boss,...).
A variation of this is feeling
major discomfort because you believe your relative is violating someone else's
boundary, and you feel that person should confront your relative.
("Well your Grandmother has some nerve, abusing you by
calling so often and rambling on so selfishly. You must be a saint
to put up with that insensitive old biddy!")
When either of these happen, it's
probable that one or more people involved (including gurus) (a) lack
self-credibility,
and/or self-respect, and (b) need to
being controlled by a protective
false self. Project 1 and related
resources
provide a way of assessing and healing this, over time.
|
The central premise here is that co-parents will have better success reducing
boundary- violation stress if they (a) objectively
the underlying
(primary)
problems, (b) sort and prioritize them, and (c) acquire
knowledge and
problem-solving
to
cooperatively resolve
them (d) as mutually-respectful
|
Recall:
this site proposes that role and relationship "problems" are always
unmet primary (vs. surface)
So when you co-parents are conflicted or confused, help each other identify the unmet need/s
without judgment, and brainstorm together how to fill them without
sacrificing anyone's integrity (personal values and boundaries) or security.
Easier said than done, eh?
 Concluded on page 2...
<<
Previous page / Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
>>
home
/ site overview
/
directory /
site map
/
Q&A /
/
solutions
/
site search
/
glossary
research /
free course /
guidebooks
/
NEW
forums /
resources / feedback
and/or subscribe / *
Updated
June 02, 2008
|