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- evolve a high-nurturance co-parenting team |
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Resolve Conflicts Involving Your
Co-grandparents - p. 1 of 3
Appreciate Your and Their Needs
Equally
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/grandparents1.htm
This is one of over 100 related Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily
relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between step-relatives. Most ideas
also apply
to average divorced biofamilies.
This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention Website. Use the
ideas here to augment, not replace, other qualified professional
Get the most from this article by (a) saying out loud why you're
reading it, and (b) reading these first:
-
basic suggestions
applying to all these articles about step-relatives
-
factors promoting a
family and
satisfying relationships
-
An
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours)
-
Basic perspective on family
roles and rules
-
typical stepfamilies are significantly stressed, and common
they cause
-
typical
co-parents can avoid or reduce these problems
Every family is significantly influenced by living and dead grandparents -
genetically, psychologically, logistically, and financially. Seniors have
their own developmental and personal needs, just like their kids and
grandkids. Typical grandparents affect - and are affected by - their adult
kids divorcing and re/marrying. Depending on many factors, grandparents can
significantly increase or decrease their family's nurturance level.
Relationship problems with and between co-grandparents can be just as
stressful and difficult as with wounded ex mates.
Terminology - this
article and Website uses the prefix co- to refer to genetic,
legal, and step relatives and roles. Co- is more inclusive and
emotionally neutral than step-. So co-parent means "any of the
related bioparents and stepparents caring for a stepchild."
Co-grandparent refers to
the
of any of a stepchild's living
or dead step-grandparents and bio-grandparents. Similarly, co-grandchild
is the stepfamily role of a child with
both biological and step-grandparents.
Roles are different than the
people who fill them!
This three-page article offers...
-
Perspective on co-grandparent and co-grandchild
role-confusion and conflicts,
and summarizes...
-
typical co-grandparents' and co-grandkids'
family-adjustment needs, and
-
11 common surface problems involving
stepfamily co-grandparents, and...
- practical options for improving the
harmony among your seniors, co-parents, and kids. These options usually
apply to other co-relatives too.
Let's begin with some basics...
Perspective
Members of any group of people - like a family - have individual and
common
(discomforts). To fill the common need for order, groups develop
c/overt
about who is responsible for filling which needs. Members in any family
automatically assign each other several concurrent roles - e.g. mother,
sister, daughter, stepmother, aunt, and step-cousin. If a child or adult (a)
is confused and/or overwhelmed by the responsibilities of their roles,
and/or (b) feels incompetent to "do" the roles well enough, s/he may
experience "role strain."
When family members disagree on (a) who is responsible to fill what needs,
and/or (b) how and (c) when to fill them, they have
role
conflicts. Co-parents need to understand and distinguish between
these two stressors because they're resolved differently.
Typical multi-generational stepfamily members have up to 15
"traditional" roles (uncle, cousin, father, great-grandmother...),
plus
up to 15 alien
Typical adults and kids have no training or experience in their "step-"
roles and related family rules, and no ancestral or social norms to guide
them.
three or more biofamilies to form a stepfamily requires
filling many simultaneous adjustment-needs in
adults and
kids that intact-biofamily
members don't face. Stepfamily roles and rules must include (a) "normal"
(biofamily) responsibilities and (b) extra "step-" responsibilities. To make
this more real, scan this
example of a dual-role
stepfather's "job description," and return.
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One result of all this is that significant role confusion, strain,
and conflict are more likely in stepfamilies than in intact
biofamilies. They are specially likely when adults ignore or minimize their (a) stepfamily
and/or (b) what it
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Typical co-grandparents were raised in a culture where legal divorce and
post-divorce re/marriages were uncommon. Few had training in the topics
below. So typical seniors (like yours) are apt to be confused and conflicted
about (a) who "belongs" to their stepfamily, (b) their roles with each
member (responsibilities to younger family adults and co-grandkids), (c) how to
fill their roles well, (d) what attitudes, behaviors, and priorities to expect
from their new step-relatives, and (e)
how
to identify and resolve family role confusion, strain, and conflicts. Their
adult children and most friends and stepfamily supporters are often just as
confused and unaware.
Bottom line: to help avoid and resolve role conflicts and strain
involving co-grandparents and co-grandkids, stepfamily adults and supporters
need to know:
-
basic concepts about family
and
-
how and when to use the seven
effective-communication (problem-solving)
-
basics about
and resolving
-
what it
to belong to (live in) a typical stepfamily;
-
how to spot and resolve family role
confusion, conflicts, and strain ("overwhelm");
-
good-grief basics, and how to
and
blocked grief;
-
how to spot and resolve (a) conflicts over
stepfamily
(priorities), and (b) associated relationship
and...
-
what typical step-grandkids and
step-grandparents need.
Once aware of these topics and their long-range importance, stepfamily
adults can patiently help each other master each of them, and teach them to
their kids. This is most likely if their personalities are steadily guided by their
The links above lead to articles on each topic. This article focuses on the
last topic, starting with...
How Can Co-grandparents Help?
Over time, stepfamily seniors can greatly boost their family's long-term
and solidarity in three ways:
(a) Steadily attending their own
(b) accepting their stepfamily
and what it
and (c)
what they need to know to nurture
effectively. A primary way
to nurture themselves is to
for false-self
and take responsibility for
any they find. Other ways are to
any divorce-related
and intentionally reduce any excessive
over their and/or their child's divorce/s or related issues.
(a)
Respect and nurture each of their family's younger parents equally;
(b) coach and encourage them on their child-raising
goals and
(c) affirm their progress
and achievements; and (d) work patiently to reduce any major
to stepfamily
while (e) respecting their household, marital,
and role
and co-grandparents can help by...
(a) Helping other family adults
determine what each co-grandchild
needs, and (b) taking or making opportunities to help each child fill
her or his needs, over time. Option:
focus on each of the minor children in your stepfamily one at a time,
and see if you agree that s/he has
three overlapping groups of needs:
-
Ongoing
as a human being (like enough love, respect, confidence,
security, nutrition, and hope,) plus...
-
Developmental needs,
like how to care for themselves; socialize; study; communicate;
balance work, play, and rest; and earn and manage
money. These age-phased needs aim to empower each child to
become
self-sufficient young adults. These
core and developmental
needs are overlaid with...
-
Up to 30 concurrent
family-adjustment
needs to help them stabilize and heal after a (probable)
childhood
+
biofamily reorganization from parental divorce or death + a complex
family merger after a bioparent commits to and
lives with a new partner and any
related children.
Children in intact high-nurturance biofamilies don't have these adjustment needs,
so they and their caregivers are free to focus on the kids' primary
and
developmental needs.
The good news is - you have up to four co-parents and
up to eight
co-grandparents and other relatives and supporters to help fill these
three groups of needs. Ideally, all your family adults will want to agree on what
each co-grandchild needs, and (b)
which needs each of you will
help them fill, (c) how, and (d) who has primary
for nurturing each child. Usually,
the custodial bioparent does.
In
listening to the stories of over 1,000 typical co-parents since 1981, I've rarely
heard of such agreement. Usually stepfamily co-parents, co-grandparents, and
other kin and supporters provide uncoordinated child care (a) without
knowing clearly what their kids need (above), and (b) with little agreement,
planning, goal-setting, communication, or
This is like an
orchestra trying to play without a conductor, and no agreements on what music to
use, which part each player will take, and which concert hall to play in on
what date.
If
this describes your stepfamily, each of your children is at risk of being
overwhelmed by (a) their several sets of concurrent needs, and any
confusion and conflicts among their family adults. That promotes their
focusing on survival,
rather than growing toward healthy adult independence. Without your co-parents' informed help,
each child will
probably reach (physical) young
adulthood with significant false-self
and inabilities to
and
These inexorably
future
unhappiness, isolation and/or possible divorce/s, health problems, and
premature death.
Notice your
to
what you just read.
An
essential part of preventing or effectively resolving conflicts between
people is
and
what each person really needs now. Let's explore...
What Do Your Co-grandparents Need?
In
the hundreds of books, articles, and speeches about stepfamilies I've
experienced since 1979, little attention is paid to what co-grandparent (or
other relatives) need. Recall: "co-"
means "step-" or "bio-." What do
these family veterans feel and need - from each other, society,
their adult kids, co-in-laws, and co-grandkids? Let's start answering that with some...
Perspective
Your kids' co-grandmothers and co-grandfathers were probably born between ~ 1925 and
1960. The level of human knowledge then, the pace of social life, and the
fabric of family relationships, were very different than in
Millennium America. Their core life
values and morals were shaped by ancestors born between, say, 1880 and
1910 - to whom telephones, automobiles, airplanes, radios, movies, vacuum cleaners,
computers, light bulbs, antibiotics, and women voting or attending
college were fantasies and/or alien marvels.
Many of these ancestors emigrated to America from Europe, with little English
language or money, and fierce hopes and ideals. Those of us who have never
giving up our homeland, culture, traditions, nationality, and family network
can only guess what that compound set of chosen losses (broken
emotional bonds) and anxieties felt like to those brave or desperate souls.
How
did the Great Depression affect the values, fears, beliefs, and daily lives of
your co-grandparents? How did World War II (1939 - 1945) affect their
occupations, finances, priorities, relationships, politics, and lifestyles? Were any
close relatives or friends killed? Were your co-parents able
to
their lost relationships and traditions well? How old were each of your
co-grandparents when they attempted independent living? What formal education
did they have? Who were their hero/ines
and mentors? How did they spend their time?
What attitudes did your senior men and women grow up with about women's rights (including
education); racial and
religious equality; sex
and homosexuality; child behavior; grieving, and
About planned parenthood, abortion,
unmarried cohabiting and child-conception, politics, addiction, cross-cultural
marriage, family leadership, and "personal growth"? Who "wore
the (family) pants" in their childhoods and early marriage? If they knew
anyone who "got psychoanalysis," what did your co-grandparents feel about
those people?
As
persons and parents, do you know what your ancestors' main dreams, passions, and
goals were? Did your ancestors
enjoy life, or endure it? Did they really like being parents and
lovers, or were
they oppressed and burdened by their responsibilities and roles? Were they
each happy? Optimistic, indifferent, or cynical? How do you know?
As kids, did your and your mate's mother and father feel consistently loved,
safe,
noticed, and valued - or something else? Were they taught to fear
God, ignore Him, or something else? As pre-teens, did each of your parents believe they were
at real risk of eternal damnation as sinners? How did
the "family values" that your grandparents taught and modeled for
your and your partner's young mother and father affect their goals and lives?
How has that
affected your lives?
Have you ever wondered how a typical day in the life of each of your kids'
grandparents differed from yours, when they were your present age? Did they
know anyone who was divorced? Who lived in a post-divorce stepfamily? If so, what did
your co-grandmothers and fathers think of "those people"? What
do they think of you?
Your
Co-grandparents' Needs
Can you say your stepfamily's
out loud? I'd bet most of your members wish for healthy acceptance and bonding,
and expanding harmony, trust, security, friendship, respect, and genuine (vs.
dutiful)
support. To harvest these, it will help you to
acknowledge what your kids' co-grandparents (and other key relatives) each need.
Are they each able to
and assert what they need? Do they seem interested in what
you need?
Though your co-grandfathers and mothers are unique persons, they each have...
Ongoing
- e.g. for security, belonging, acknowledgement, respect, affirmation and validation,
life meaning and purpose, companionship, stimulation,
etc.; and probably...
Three overlapping sets
of adjustment needs: stabilize from...
-
the breakup of their adult child's marriage
via death or divorce, and the reorganization of their
multi-generational ("extended") biofamily; and...
-
(a) their child choosing a new
partner, cohabiting, and (maybe) re/marrying; and (b) re-stabilizing
from merging the
and
from their biofamily + their ex in-law's family + their new
in-laws' family - while adjusting to...
-
evolving their co-grandparenting roles
+ retirement + aging + failing health + the reality of approaching death.
 Let's look at these in
more detail, so you can
assess how your kids'
co-grandparents are doing with their needs. That can help you clarify your complex stepfamily roles as grown children
and co-parents, and resolve conflicts with or about your seniors.
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Updated
August 29, 2008
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