The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/grandparents2.htm
Continued from p. 1...
1) Your
Co-grandparents' Primary Needs
See if you co-parents feel that each of your stepfamily's
seniors would say that their needs for each of these core things are
met well enough recently...
|
Physical comfort and security - "I am free
of and safe enough from actual
or possible physical discomfort,
illness, and pain now and in the near future." |
Psychological comfort and
security - "I (a) have the financial, physical, and social
resources I need to feel safe enough in my current and near-future
environments, and (b) I'm comfortable enough with the prospects of
retirement, old age, and death." |
|
Belonging, acceptance, and spiritual
"I am accepted and valued
by a group of trusted people and a
that I can
totally rely on to help me through major problems that may
arise." |
- "I feel appreciated and admired enough now as
a person, a wo/man, a parent, and a
grandparent by (a) myself, and by (b) each of the
adults and kids who matter to me." |
|
A life purpose - "I now have clear, compelling,
personal reasons to get out of bed each morning. I have
something important that I strongly want to do with my life
now!" |
Faith and
Hope - "With each of the main things I long for now, I
have credible reasons to believe they really can and will come true
somehow." |
|
Competence
and Control - "With each of my key life responsibilities
(roles), I feel (a) able to perform them well enough, and (b)
that I have enough power and resources to do them -
or I can get these if I don't." |
Inner and
social
to
- "I am moving well enough toward full three-level acceptance of
the key physical and
invisible things I have prized and
and am
losing." |
|
Pleasure and Stimulation - "I usually have enough people,
activities, and change in my life to keep most days
interesting, pleasant, and fun enough." |
Balance
- "My waking hours usually feel balanced enough between (a) rest,
effort ("work"), and play; and between (b) solitude and socializing." |
|
(freedom from anxiety) - "I am content enough most days
that the people I care the most about are safe, healthy, and happy
enough - and will continue to be, in the near future. I am clear on,
and accept, what I can change and what I can't." |
(add your
own primary need/s) |
| ?
|
? |
Notice your
(thoughts and feelings) now. If you're used to seeing
your and your mate's parents as strong, self-confident, self-sufficient adults, what's it
like to acknowledge that each of them has core needs like these?
Do they talk about their needs? Repress them? Own them? Complain about them?
Request (and/or accept) help in filling them? Do you ask about their needs? Honor them equally with your own?
Premise: you, your
partner, your ex mate (if any), and each dependent or grown child have these same
primary needs. How you people behave with (relate to) each
other affects how satisfied these needs feel, every day and across
time. Your family members' satisfactions or frustrations are proportional to
(a) how
of your current primary
(vs. surface)
you each are (including your co-grandparents),
(b) whether you take personal responsibility for filling them, and (c) how well you
and (d) negotiate for them. Whew!
Recall: we're exploring
the complex family roles of your co-grandparents and their grandkids.
Roles are sets of responsibilities to fill members' key needs. We've just
outlined common primary needs that you co-parents, your minor
and grown kids, and each of your parents and your ex-mates' parents have.
Now let's add co-grandparents' needs
to adjust to a child's (a) divorce and (b) re/marriage.
The primary needs above are ongoing, while these adjustment needs are
(hopefully) transitional. "Adjust" means shift
and stabilize your expectations, goals, priorities, attachments,
beliefs, and some rituals after the chosen or forced
of prized things.
2 and 3) Parents' Adjustments to an
Adult
Child's (a) Divorce or Death and (b) Re-partnering
An adult child's death or
can significantly upset the web of extended-family relationships, roles, and rituals.
The degree of upset depends on (a) how bonded adults and kids are, and (b)
how well the family leaders manage
major
changes. All family members lose
invisible and
usually physical things from separation and divorce.
To maintain wholistic
health and growth, each person needs
(accept) their mix of losses, shift their roles, rules, and rituals, and then
rebalance
and stabilize their life.
If you and/or your partner have divorced before, have you ever considered what
each of your parents and kids lost, specifically, and need to adjust and
Here
are some probabilities...
|
Adjust personal and family identities - "I
need to accept
that (a) I am now the Mother/Father of a divorced (or dead)
child, and that (b) we are a family of divorce." |
Regain Self confidence and self respect - "I
need to
rebuild my genuine belief that 'I am a competent-enough parent and
person, despite my
child's divorce." |
|
Reduce
- "I need to reduce any recurring thoughts and
feelings that my partner and I did something wrong as parents." |
Mourn lost dreams - "I
need to accept I can no longer
count on being old and contented with my kids and grandkids
in the way I used to." |
|
Adjust
- "I must decide how
I want to relate to (a) my former son or daughter-in-law and
(b) his/her family, now; and (c) agree with
my partner and (d) child on that. Then we all have to (e) discover and
(f) accept how they
each want to relate to me, my partner, my child, and my grandchild/ren." |
Adjust family
- "I have to negotiate and agree
with all affected family members on how we're each going to revise
'who does what' for whom now. What should I expect from myself
and each relative now?" |
|
Adjust family
- "We all have to revise and
stabilize how and when each of us does our role
responsibilities with each other, and how we judge our own and each
other's role performances." |
Adjust family
- "Holidays and some of my/our
daily rituals will change because of the kids splitting up. I must
accept that we'll never again do some special things together that I
have come to deeply cherish." |
|
Clarify and stabilize
- "I need to
redefine my personal, parental, and marital limits are
in this new family situation." Sometimes this boundary
adjustment includes having an adult child and grandkids move
back in to the "empty nest." |
Adjust
financial security - "I
need to review and possibly
revise my (or our) plan on retirement funding, insurance, and
estate bequests, to maximize our and our child/ren's future security." |
|
Regain
- "I have to reconcile my
belief in a loving Higher Power with the major pain I'm experiencing from
my child's divorce (or death). How can this be
part of a truly loving God's master plan?" |
Revise
personal and family
- "Before my
child's separation (or divorce, or death), I was focused on
work, retirement, health, and social affairs. I need to adjust my time,
energy, and resources to help my child and grandchild/ren fill their
many needs." |
|
Other
adjustment needs...
|
|
Do these grandparental adjustments to an adult-child's (a) separation, divorce,
or death, and (b) re-partnering and cohabiting seem realistic? Each
situation will have a unique mix of these adjustment needs,
on top of the personal set of primary needs that each of your parents strives to
fill. Note that all these needs are simultaneous. Other
well-bonded relatives have similar mixes of these needs too.
is the natural process that promotes these adjustments. Each family adult
and child has his or her own mourning pace.
|
Note
that (a) your first marriage and (b) each grandchild's birth caused each of your
parents a set of adjustment needs like these. Do you feel
each of your or your partner's parents were able to adjust to those well enough
before
experiencing this new set changes from divorce or death?
Before re-committing and cohabiting? Before the conception of an
"ours child" (new grandchild)? How do you
judge?
|
When major
family-system changes like divorce or
death, committing to a new partner, and merging households occur too close together, adults and kids can feel
overwhelmed by all their simultaneous adjustments and losses. What looks like "depression"
and "illness" is often a wordless signal from governing
saying "I
must take time to
mourn on all three levels - I will not be
rushed."
We have reviewed (a) family-role confusion, conflict, and strain; and (b)
typical primary and family-adjustment needs that average
step-grandkids and
their co-grandparents have. By definition, when roles clash and/or
needs aren't met well enough, family members have personal and interpersonal
"problems." Let's stop theorizing and turn to the practical business of
defining and resolving common problems with co-grandparents. To prepare, I
encourage you to first read...
What
Are Typical Surface Problems?
This site proposes that most social "problems" are often the symptoms
of unmet primary needs. Until they're aware of this, typical
adults, all kids, and many human-service professionals focus fruitlessly on
reducing the surface problems (symptoms), not the needs that cause them.
Let's use this to illustrate common surface problems involving your
stepfamily's kids, co-parents, and co-grandparents. If you have such
"problems," see if they're among these categories...
1)
A
co-grandparent rejects your
stepfamily
("Well, you can
use any term you want. As far as I'm concerned, a family's just a family!")
This leaves them vulnerable to using inappropriate biofamily
expectations about your relationships, which is inherently conflictual. For solution
options, see this.
2) A
co-grandparent or co-grandchild disputes, or is confused
about, someone's stepfamily
name, and/or
("Jenny should not call your
new wife her "stepmom." Alice may be your ex, but she's
still Jenny's Mother!") See co-parent
and
this.
3) A co-grandparent
needs to blame
their child or
child's ex mate for their divorce. This polarizes your
multi-generational
into
opposed camps and
"neutrals." Use Project 2 communication
and a genuine
(mutual respect)
attitude to confront the co-grandparent, and ask her or him
what s/he needs in order to stop judging and blaming. Consider using an
as part of the confrontation:
"Jim, when you
need to be so sarcastic and vocally critical of Mark's divorce decision, I
feel resentful and I lose respect for you. Your criticism is polarizing
our family into attackers and defenders. What do you need to help you really accept
Jim's choice, and stop this divisive criticism?"
4) Some adult or child is
"upset" (hurt,
resentful, angry, frustrated, and maybe guilty) because
a co-grandparent seems to
favor their former child-in-law, and/or their
bio-grandkids, over "the new people." S/He may deny or
acknowledge this, but keeps "playing favorites." For example, the senior
might say to their daughter - "You may think
Jerry was a lousy husband, but he's still our granddaughter's Dad. Your
mother and I love him, and we're not going to shut him out just because you're married to
Jacob now."
See this article for perspective and resolution
options.
Another common surface problem involving co-grandparents and their
grandkids is ...
5) One or more of your
adults or kids is "upset"
because a co-grandparent and/or a co-grandchild
criticizes (a)
an adult child's divorce ("You didn't really try to save your
marriage!"), and/or (b)
either ex mate's re/marriage
decision, cohabiting, and/or mate-choice. (e.g. "How could you do
that? Your kids aren't ready for it!"). This is specially likely if new
partners are same-gendered and/or
cross-racial.
The solution to this complex stressor lies in (a) building an
(respectful) attitude for the disapprover ("You have a
right to your
view."); (b) patiently using the seven problem-solving
(c) avoiding
black-white thinking ("there are only two options here"), and
(d) identifying and resolving
and
associated relationship
These wise
can help
here, for underlying criticism like this often indicates (a) a dominant
(b) toxic
and
(c) reality
that you can't change. You
can build compassionate acceptance, and do
respectful confrontations.
Instead of, or in addition to some of the above...
6) Some
stepfamily members are "upset"
because a co-grandparent or senior couple is
"too intrusive and controlling,"
or "too uninterested and uninvolved" in an adult child's
personal, re/marital, or co-parenting choices and behaviors. A specially volatile version of
this occurs when one or more co-grandparents choose to be involved in a
legal battle
between their grandchild's divorced parents.
"Too intrusive" requires co-parents to (a) be clear on their
rights,
and
and to
(b) know how to use effective-communication skills to respectfully
and enforce their
limits. If co-grandparents are "too uninterested." in supporting your
stepfamily choices and
consider
these options.
Another possible surface stressor is caused by ...
7) someone
has strong feelings about a co-grandparents' views, priorities, or
decisions about money - including divorce settlements, child support,
health insurance, asset titles, and estate plans (legal wills). Guarantee: the
primary
problems here are not "money"! Read and discuss
this
for solution options; and/or...
8) A new spouse is hurt, critical, and/or angry that
their partner focuses "too much" or "too little" on one
or more co-grandparents - including an ex-mate's parents (or other
relatives). This is really several concurrent
including values and loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship
triangles; and/or...
Continue
with three more common
surface problems, and options for resolving the primary problems that cause
them all.
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