The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/grandparents.htm
Three more common surface
problems...
9) A co-grandchild "doesn't like"
one or more
co-grandparents, or prefers step-grandparents to their bio-grandparents.
The former may range from the child simply not knowing who these strangers
are and being normally shy and distrustful, to having "bad
chemistry" with, and genuinely feeling uncomfortable around the
seniors.
Such discomfort often comes at least partly from all stepfamily adults not
yet agreeing on how co-grandparents and co-grandkid/s are
"supposed to" relate. Alert kids (with their own role
confusion) may "read" and misinterpret the adults' non-verbal
confusion as co-grandparental dislike and rejection. Adults can help
by acknowledging the normal awkwardness and fuzziness of
new stepfamily relationships, customs, and roles without guilt or anxiety.
Patience helps too!
So can doing getting-to-know-you things like adults and kids playing the safe,
non-competitive
Ungame
or
LifeStories.
Family talks about (a) stepfamily
(b) family
changes,
(c) how to resolve inevitable
and
and relationship
together, (d) and converting stepfamily
myths
into realistic expectations of each other,
can help ease everyone's confusions and anxieties, over time. Who's best to
initiate such talks in your stepfamily?
10) Someone in your stepfamily is "upset"
(confused, hurt, irritated, frustrated, guilty, critical, righteous,
outraged, sad,...) because one or more co-grandparents and minor or grown
co-grandkids "don't love each other the way they should.
This is usually based on
rejecting or ignoring stepfamily
and not knowing that "love" among stepfamily members
doesn't happen the way it may among (ideal) biofamily relatives.
Option: invite the "upset" people to (a) read and discuss copies of relevant
articles
from
and
here, and then to (b) shift from expecting "love" to earning mutual
respect
over time.
If this doesn't ease things, other reality
and deeper unfilled
are operating.
That usually suggests a camouflaged
directing the action. Try
A final common surface stressor you may experience is...
11)
Serious disputes arise among your stepfamily members
over one or more co-grandparents' strong views or inflexibility over
merging old family
holiday customs,
and traditions with their
new step-kin's "ways." A variation may occur if some of
the newly-related stepfamily co-grandparents have rigid
religious
or political preferences and views - "If your new wife's people are
damned Baptist Republicans, I won't have anything to do with those
Bible-thumping, bigoted fools." This can be specially incendiary
if new step-relatives are racially, culturally, or religiously
"different" than (i.e. "inferior to") a remarrying co-parent's living ancestors.
Solutions to such stepfamily disputes may emerge if (a) your true
Selves are
and you use (b) mutual-
attitudes
and (c) effective-communication
to (d) spot and resolve
family identity,
values,
and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Where the judgmental
co-grandparent refuses to negotiate and compromise, your
challenge shifts to affirming your
rights and relationship
priorities, and firmly
and enforcing respectful
boundaries without
excessive guilt, shame, or anxiety.
If you're confronting a strong-willed biofamily patriarch or matriarch, draw
on these ageless
Also, try compassionately viewing your
opinionated senior member as wounded, and not knowing s/he's dominated by a
protective false
self.
+ + +
Do
any of these common stressors apply to your family now? Though variations on these
surface problems involving co-grandparents and co-grandkids are
infinite, these 11 basic themes are pretty common. I propose that
the "problem" theme in each of these is
not the problem. If your subselves are thinking "OK, then what
are the
problems, and what can we do about them?",
read on...
Options for Co-parents and
Co-grandparents
This article focuses on reducing or avoiding significant stressors among
co-parents, co-grandparents, and co-grandkids. A basic premise here is that
most interpersonal role and relationship problems (like those above) are
surface symptoms of underlying primary needs. Whether you're a
co-grandparent or another family member, select among these options to
fit your situation:
Study and discuss this introduction
to personality subselves, and this overview of
Project 1. Then
each of your family adults for significant false-self
Unseen
wounds and ineffective
promote all social problems - like
Accept that you all are
members of a multi-home stepfamily, which is
very
different from
the biofamilies you're used to. Doing this will help you form realistic
expectations of yourselves and each other. If any of your members have
trouble doing this, see the options here and in
Option:
draw and discuss your individual
versions of a
(stepfamily diagram). Be prepared for normal confusion and conflict about
family membership. Doing this can lead to useful discussions about...
-
"Who
is
leading
our multi-generational stepfamily?" If the
answer is "nobody," how likely is it you all can evolve a
stepfamily over time?
-
"Who
each of our co-parenting homes?"
-
"How satisfied are our
family members with this
leadership recently, and how do
we know?", and...
-
"How effective are we all
at resolving our
and
confusions and conflicts?"
Check your
expectations about yourself and
other family members. One or more of your family members may be using
inappropriate biofamily norms to judge how you all should think and act. If
you're a co-grandparent, (a) review this summary of typical
stepkids' needs, and
(b) this example of a stepparent's "job
(role) description." Then for each co-grandchild, draft a job
description for yourself. What needs of theirs do you see yourself as
responsible for?
Check your
attitudes. Role
and relationship problems can be amplified by key semi-conscious biases. One key attitude about resolving stepfamily problems is to
assume the open, curious attitude of a student.
Stepfamily "problems" come in clusters.
Use this
menu to identify individual problems
you relatives may be experiencing, rank order them, and help each
other stay focused and resolve one or two at a time.
Review
(a) how your stepfamily is developing,
and (b) this
of what you all are
trying to merge. See if this helps to clarify why you may be having
"co-grandparent problems."
Review
this
article and follow
appropriate links. Surface role or relationship
problems like those above are usually caused by some of these 11 primary
problems.
Acknowledge that each of your stepfamily adults and kids has a mix of (a)
human needs, and (b) special family-adjustment
needs that will change as
your stepfamily
merger progresses. Whatever
your problem/s, help each other
each conflicted person's unmet needs. Use the
perspective and need-summaries on page
1 to help. Then...
Apply these
basic premises to
fill your respective needs (problem-solve).
Make (vs. find) time to identify and celebrate your
stepfamily's
strengths together. This can promote cross-generational bonding and good feeling, unless many of you are significantly-
If you do
this, agree that "non-strengths" are growth opportunities, rather
than flaws, weaknesses, or failures. Option: do this annually, to
affirm and enjoy your stepfamily's growth, bonding, and strengthening.
Acknowledge the extraordinary
complexity and challenge you all are confronted with in evolving and
stabilizing your extended
stepfamily over time. With this in mind, stay open to the value of using
qualified professional
to assist unraveling and resolving particularly complex or stressful
relationship conflicts involving your co-grandparents, their co-grandkids, and
you.
Stay alert for other
stepfamilies in your church and social communities. If you find
other like-minded co-parents and co-grandparents, make opportunities to meet
and support each other. All your adults and kids need
empathic understanding, caring, and acceptance - and
other steppeople
are most likely to provide these. Note that there are over
of stepfamily. Though others' family structures won't match yours, their
primary relationship
and
the
they're trying to
solve are exactly
the same! Finally...
Recall what needs caused you to read this article. Are you motivated to try
some of the options above now? If
your
sounds like "These ideas are too abstract, intellectual, and
complicated," or "These options might help - I'll experiment with them
'soon'.", or "These ideas probably won't work for me/us because _____",
suspect that you're controlled by a
protective
Recap
Typical minor and grown stepkids can
have
living and dead co-grandparents. Each stepfamily grandparent can have
many co-grandkids. Trying to grow stepfamily-wide clarity and agreement
on alien new step-grandparent and step-grandchild roles (responsibilities,
goals, and expectations) can confuse and conflict all your family
members and
supporters!
This
and
articles aim to help stepfamily adults and supporters...
-
appreciate the unique
needs and roles
of step-grandparents with or without bio-grandkids;
-
become aware of typical
surface
problems involving co-grandparents, and...
-
clarify their options
for identifying and resolving their primary family role and
relationship problems
All these options are part of
your adults can use to
master the five significant
you all face as normal stepfamily members.
Do your family adults know of and
accept these hazards and Projects yet?
As you decide how to help each other fill your respective needs together,
consider investing in these guidebooks that integrate the key articles and worksheets in this
nonprofit, divorce-prevention Website. Also review
these ideas on evaluating
stepfamily advice, and browse these
resources.
Reflect - why did you read this? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need now?
+ + +
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