Two or more (usually more) stepfamily adults have a
over someone's opinion, deci-sion, action, or value about...
-
Something of significant financial value to someone;
causing...
-
"bad feelings" among
two or more family members - i.e. mixes of confusion, hurt, resentment,
guilt, shame, anger, contempt, and anxiety. These feelings...
-
temporarily or chronically polarize individual
homes and the extended family into groups of
which...
-
causes some (a) kids to feel uneasy and "bad;"
(b) mates to distance, fight, or unite; and (c) involved family members
and supporters to feel
"uncomfortable" to various degrees. These...
-
promote (a) avoidances,
disrespects, distrusts, and phony politeness; which (b) lower
family-members' motivation to form relationships; unless...
-
someone tries to "make things better": e.g. confronts the
antagonists, and/or tries to mediate the financial disagreements -
with or without "outside help." This can...
-
(a) reduce some or most family tensions, (b) have no effect, or (c) increase
relationship
among family relatives.
Does this summary match your life experience? Each of these elements can (a)
increase family stress or (b) be a focus for reducing "financial"
conflicts. Which family member/s would you say are responsible for (a)
understanding and accepting this sequence, and (b) resolving it?
If some of your relatives are significantly stressed about
surface "money issues," what causes them, and how can you all...
Identify and Resolve
the Primary Problems
Premise: in
situations like those above, money is
not the problem. Surface stressors like these occur because
two or more stepfamily members...
are
they're ruled by a narrow-visioned, reactive
Combined with other pri-mary problems below, false-self
promote
and mutual conflicts,
perceptions, and inhibit effective communication and
and/or...
ignore,
discount, or dispute their stepfamily
and unconsciously rely on inappropri-ate
biofamily expectations
about roles, relationships, and money to themselves and each other; and/or
they...
disagree
on who
to their stepfamily
("Pat's ex wife's opinion about Marla's college
fund doesn't count!"), and aren't motivated to resolve the hurt, resentment,
and confusion that causes; and/or...
the relatives are distracted from identifying their primary
money-related needs by some of these
relationship
and (a) they don't know that, or (b) how to reduce the barriers;
and/or they...
have
about
something related to money, and (a) don't know that or (b) how to resolve
values conflicts effectively. The values can include opinions about how
"good" (bio)family members are supposed to earn, save, spend,
invest, bequeath, share, talk about, and feel about "financial
responsibility," "money" and "debts;" and/or several family members...
are
caught in one or more
and associated relationship
and (a) aren't aware of that or (b) how to resolve these common
stressors effectively together; and the conflicted relatives...
don't know how to (a)
their respective
(b)
them effectively, and/or how to (c) do
win-win
together.
Once
family adults are aware of these primary problems, they can improve each
of them over time - if their true Selves are guiding their personalities. Pause, breathe,
and notice your thoughts and feelings now. If you have a specific "money
problem" with some relatives now, try to imagine the problem is
really one or more of these primary causes.
Example: Resolution
Options
Jim and Linda remarried several years ago. He has two sons nine and 11 years
old, and she has custody of a daughter who is five. Linda's parents deeply
resent their new son-in-law consistently spending more money on his boys
than on their only granddaughter - his stepdaughter.
Linda, wants to "fix
things," because she feels caught in the middle (of a loyalty conflict) and
wants "family harmony." Let's also say she has acknowledged their identity
as a stepfamily, and is clear on who belongs. She has read this article, and
is aware of the concept of surface and primary problems.
Let's also assume she's had the
courage to
herself for false-self
and is working to reduce hers.
Linda prepares to reduce this stepfamily "money problem" by...
-
acknowledging that "We all have a significant
problem here," vs. repressing or ignoring it;
-
taking responsibility for seeking positive
change,
-
defining the problem as "ours," rather than
blaming her husband, parents, and/or herself; and she...
-
defines what she needs: "family harmony."
This is a surface need.
Next, Linda needs to learn if each of her parents, and her husband Jim, each
clearly agree that they all are a stepfamily. Avoiding this step
risks one or more of the four adults unconsciously using
inapplicable biofamily expectations to form their judgments of
each other.
If she and Jim aren't solidly in agreement on their stepfamily identity and
what it
she can ask him to do
and
with her. If they do and Jim still doesn't agree on their "step"
identity, the couple has a higher-priority
remarital problem than the
conflict with her parents!
If Linda and Jim do agree, her next option is to ask if he'll work
with her on resolving the tension with her parents over Jim's spending
preferences. If he declines or gives pseudo agreement ("Yeah, sure, Hon.
What's for dinner?"), they have a
marital teamwork conflict to resolve. Pseudo (ambivalent) agreements are a strong sign of
false-self control.
An essential early
step here is for the couple to agree on their
and
act on them. In my stepfamily experience since 1979, the general
ranking that works best long term
in non-emergencies is personal wholistic health first, (re)marriage second,
and all else third. There are many point of view. What's yours?
Jim and Linda honestly
comparing their basic priorities will probably expose any
they have. Such conflicts usually cause divisive relationship
Discerning these stressors is much less likely if one or both are denying
inner
and their
pretend to agree on their priorities to avoid scary conflict.
To guard
against that unconscious self- deception, Jim and Linda can do a version of
together: assess for false-self wounds and heal them.
A standard loyalty conflict is Jim feeling trapped between pleasing Linda
and her parents, his own two kids, himself, and his stepson Rick. Linda may
also feel caught between her husband, her child, and her parents.
The young couple must acknowledge and help each other heal these two
and mutual conflicts
before resolving the money conflict with her
parents.
Linda and her husband need to choose between (a) resolving the immediate
"money problem" with her parents, or (b) the long term goal of
learning how to resolve any co-parenting and stepfamily conflicts
effectively - i.e. learning how to do win-win
If they choose the latter (which I recommend), the couple agrees to invest
more preparation time in
learning and tailoring the seven
that promote effective conflict resolution. Doing this
greatly raises
their odds for finding workable compromises with each other, their kids, and
Linda's parents about the spending issue. They may tell her parents and
their kids what they're doing, and why.
Learning these skills will empower Jim and Linda to form effective
strategies to master three stressors
before meeting with her parents:
and
conflicts, and associated
All three are contributing to the current dispute over "Jim's unfair
spending habits." Learning how to handle these inevitable stepfamily
stressors is part of co-parent
|
Linda needs...
-
to respect herself, Jim, and
her parents - and feel
by each of them;
-
to get
between Jim, her parents, and her daughter by problem-solving with
the adults;
-
to feel Jim respects her daughter as much as his two sons;
-
to have her parents accept and approve of Jim, and release their
resentment; and...
-
to release the
frustration, and anxiety she's been feeling about this complex
stepfamily situation.
|
Jim needs...
-
to feel respected by himself,
Linda, and his in-laws, and to genuinely respect them.
-
to relieve the divorce-
he
feels for his sons' losses and pain.
-
to avoid more conflict with his ex-wife over
child support and
co-parenting.
-
to please ("be liked by") his kids and his stepdaughter Eva.
-
to protect and strengthen his marriage
-
to not let stepfamily conflicts distract
him from work goals and responsibilities.
|
Note: for brevity,
this outline omits the couple's opinions of what each of their three
kids need. Filling these needs together can significantly increase the
"family harmony" that Linda and Jim seek, and shape the compromise they
hope to reach with Linda's parents.
This example also omits another major
real-life factor: how Jim's sons and both ex mates feel about
Jim's preferential spending. An option is to use the process outlined here
with each ex mate, if they have a significant "fairness problem" with Jim
and money. In typical stepfamilies there is a web of concurrent
finan-cial conflicts within
and among the
co-parents...
Now the partners are ready to invite the senior couple to do some
with them, toward reducing the tensions from their resentment of Jim's
spending behaviors. A first step is to get clear on what Jim and Linda each
This step can be challenging until the couple gets the hang of it! Their
(partial) "needs lists" might look something like this:
When the couple is clear on their own and each
other's real (vs. surface) needs, they're ready to
them to Linda's parents,
and
learn what each of them need.
|
and mutual problem-solving is effective when everyone (a) clearly
understands what each per-son needs, (b) values each other's needs
and (c) makes the time to brainstorm as
and find a compromise that fills enough of their respective
|
Linda asks her parents for time to meet with her and Jim.
She and her husband agree to help
each other (a) focus on getting the older couple's agreement to
problem-solve,
and to (b)
to each other without over-reacting and bringing in other problems.
This vital step is easy to overlook when
It helps to start an initial conflict-resolution meeting by
setting the goals and some ground
rules. Here, this might sound like Linda saying to her parents "We're
here to ask your help. I know you've felt uncomfor-table about Jim spending
more on Jason and Alex (his kids) than on Melissa."
"Jim and I want to
talk with you about that now, to learn what you need, and ask you to
understand what we each need. We want to listen, and hope you'll try
to hear our (vs. "my") side too. We want to do some win-win
If this is new behavior, her parents may...
-
warily agree;
-
feel confused, guilty, "accused," and defensive;
-
deny there's any problem;
-
change the subject,
-
"stone wall," or...
-
withdraw.
One or both may blow up and
attack, or raise other problems (defocus). If Jim and Linda have studied the
they know how to react to each of these respectfully
and
stay focused together. Doing
this requires that the partner's
are
their
Continue
with options for reducing these
primary problems...
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