The Web address of this
5-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/recovery1.htm
Continued from p. 3
Recovery Goal 4) Rebalance
Chronic Overtrusting
and/or Undertrusting
Trust is a
primal reflex of judging what and who is safe – i.e. who will bring
us comfort and pleasure, and who will bring pain. Trust grows from
direct and indirect life experience, starting in our first moments after
birth. Our dis/trust reflexes begin to form well before we can talk or
form coherent thoughts. Often they're unconscious for kids and adults alike, until
attaining the
that
true recovery nourishes.
This false-self
manifests as either blindly trusting abusive, selfish, dishonest, or
indifferent (i.e. wounded) others; or often "irrationally" distrusting
reliable others, and/or your own judgment or ability. Symptoms of
Self-distrust are chronic ambivalence, indecisiveness, and "second guessing"
key deci-sions.
"Popular"
subselves that provide this protection are the
and
Another symptom of toxic
distrust is ignoring or rejecting the nou-rishment, guidance, and inspiration
of a benign and loving
Spiritual distrust can be pro-moted by
insecure subselves who are terrified at the prospect of surrendering their
illusion of
Undertrusting can imply the dominance of a
Cynic and/or
Skeptic/Pessimist
subself who guards you by forecasting certain disappointments and
betrayals. Your Guardian
may also try to help by distorting reality
– e.g. "All / lawyers / politicians / cops / authorities / teens / Jews /
foreigners / salespeople are out to get you."
A
Guardian subself can rigidly urge overtrusting. S/He probably does so to
protect your shamed, guilty, and lonely young
subselves who fear
repeating early-childhood abandon-ment agony.
Extreme overtrusting results in
being repeatedly victimized, exploited, abused, and betrayed, de-spite
painful results. The Critic then may harp "It was your own fault. You should
have…", raising Vul-nerable young
subselves' guilt, shame, and self-distrust.
On a scale of –10 to +10, how would you rate yourself as being a "trusting" person?
Typical people ruled by false selves are at either end of that spectrum, vs. in the middle
("I'm calm and selective about whom I trust. I trust my own judgment in
deciding.")
Picture some people now that you "don't trust," and do. How
aware are you, generally, about trus-ting your self, others, and your Higher
Power? Distrust feeds toxic fear (and vice versa), and may feed toxic guilt
and shame ("I should trust my spouse / boss / minister / child / mother –
but I don't. I'm a bad person.")
The overall
recovery goals here are to (a) evolve a clear awareness of current trusts and
distrusts, and (b) rebalance the ability to trust...
-
your Self,
-
your subselves
(within limits),
-
selective other people, and...
-
a credible Higher Power
wisely and serenely.
Then learn how to communicate and problem-solve
effectively with distrusted subselves and people. Evolve an effective way
of rebuilding lost trust among subselves and trust-worthy people.
Evolve...
-
a definition of "healthy distrust;" and...
-
a
clear explanation of trust is created or re-gained. Grow a clear
understanding of...
-
the behavioral
symptoms of overtrusting and
under-trusting (above);
-
how each of those may be
affecting your life quality, including nourishing other toxic traits; and...
-
which Vulnerable and Guardian subselves usually blend with your Self to
bring you overtrusting and undertrusting. Then…
Inventory your known subselves to learn which of
them trust (a) your Self and Higher Power, and which don't; trust (b) all your
other subselves enough, and which don't; and (c) which personality parts
most influence your inner family in deciding which people you trust, when,
and why. Then…
Work with your inner-family's findings to...
-
increase
all your subselves' trust in _ your Self and _ your Higher Power. Work
also at...
-
raising the trusts among your various subselves, over time. Such
trust gradually ac-cumulates as you shift your attitudes and behaviors –
and get different responses back from the environment. Part of this subgoal involves your...
-
exploring for distrustful parts being stuck in the
(unsafe) past, and...
-
rescuing any subselves you find.
Consider the parts-work technique of internally
re-doing old traumatic real-life events that generated major distrust in
one or more subselves A series of such re-doings can raise the mutual
awareness and trust level among all your inner-family members.
Learn about re-doings and other
in the
guidebook
Who's Really Running your Life?", by Peter Gerlach, MSW;
Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.
As your young Vulnerable parts
gain trust in your Self and selected Guardian and Regular subselves,
invite their Guardians (e.g. your
and
to gradually relax their old vigilance, and try out new productive
inner-family roles.
Recall: personality parts can't be "fired," "killed,"
or ignored, because they're (probably neuro-chemical areas of your mind/body. They
can learn, and focus their valuable talents and energy in new directions –
often very quickly, when they believe it's safe to do so.
Recovery Goal 5)
Replace Protective Reality
Distortions With Clear Awareness
Subselves learn
in early childhood that
brings temporary comfort and
relief. For ex-ample, believing in an invisible companion can banish
unbearable loneliness and anxiety caused by un-available caregivers. Blaming
others for your own mistakes, lying, denying, repressing, projecting,
mini-mizing, black/white thinking, and exaggerating are effective ways of
avoiding unbearable fears, guilts, and shame. Enduring others' criticism of
those behaviors is less painful.
Significantly
wounded people (i.e. their false selves) automatically
perceive things that
aren't there (i.e. illusions, delusions, projections),
and/or don't see or
experience things that are there (via denials, repressions, and
minimizations).
This hinders your making healthy life decisions, like
balancing your and others' needs; doing real recovery; choosing key
relationships, appropriate jobs and surroundings; and doing effective
parenting. Reality distortions always degrade effective internal and
interpersonal
and problem solving – which raises
self-doubt, guilt, and shame, over time.
The most
pervasive reality distortion is denial of these distortions ("I do
not shade
the truth!") The master distortion is "I am not 'controlled by a false
self', and I do not have these false-self wounds!" Recovery starts with
dissolving this illusion. Protective reality distortions are often provided
by a combi-nation of tireless
like your
Magician, Blocker,
Distracter, Doubter, and Forgetter subselves who are eternally devoted to
keeping your young Vulnerable subselves safe.
The overall
fifth recovery goal is to raise your Guardian and Vulnerable subselves'
trust, over time, that honestly accepting reality is safe enough, so
distortions aren't needed. Such safety grows from increasing inner-family
trust in the wisdom and will of Self, your Higher Power, and selected other
sub-selves and people. It also comes from learning to live by a core set of relationship
concepts and skills, like awareness, effective
and
Typical
Recovery Distortion-reduction Subgoals
Become aware of the
concept and symptoms of
typical reality distortions; and their typical impacts on your life
quality.
Respectfully identify...
-
the Guardian subselves who
promote each distortion, and...
-
why they do – i.e. which Inner Child/ren they're protecting.
So reducing reality distortions is really about
finding a new way of protecting your inner kids (plural) – e.g. building
their trusting in the vision, sensitivity, strength, and reliability of
your Self and other
Until this safety is credible,
typical Guardians see no options to distorting reality. They often fear
being "killed" or rejected and spurned as use-less if they quit.
As you recognize habitual reality distortions,
work
respectfully with your Inner Critic to reduce his or her relentless shaming
and blaming – "What a pathetic weakling you are to have to lie to people
who care about you!"
Over time...
-
identify other people in your life who
scare your inner-family members so they feel the need to distort reality.
Then...
-
work toward the subgoals for reducing toxic
fears.
-
Intentionally choose people to be around you who are genuinely respectful,
accep-ting, and empathic – including other recoverers working on these same
goals.
Retrain your
and other
subselves to
experiment with allowing clearer and clearer views of the past and present
("Pat really is an addict.") to be "safe enough."
Reducing reality
distortions tends to happen "by itself" as you progress on the other recovery
goals. This comes from the security that increases as your subselves
get to know and trust your Self, your Higher Power, each other, and
trustworthy (Self-led) other people.
Recovery Goal 6)
Dissolve Distrusts,
Fears, and Distortions that Inhibit Bonding and/or Loving
Toxic shame,
guilt, fear, and reality distortions can combine to block your subselves -
specially young ones - from attaching to (caring about) other people and themselves, and from
accepting others' real love as merited, genuine, and safe. The clinical name
for this condition is
Reactive
Attachment Disorder (RAD).
Many mental health and medical professionals
have little training in assessing or reducing this tragic condition, which
is mistakenly assumed to occur mostly in children. Those that do have
training often aren't aware of the role personality subselves play in the
condition.
The overall
recovery goals here are to (a) patiently heal the five wounds above over time, and intentionally risk
(b) feeling
and (c)
exchanging genuine love with others.
Bonding and Love barriers usually stem from all the other toxic traits. This
sixth false-self wound centers on…
-
An inability to genuinely love your self (your
mind-body-spirit), from a mix of excessive old childhood shame, guilts,
and distortions;
-
Never having experienced or trusted genuine love from
another person or Being;
-
Unconsciously associating love with pain, duty, sex,
power, "things," entrapment, loss, and/or fear; and…
-
unawareness, distortion,
and/or distrust.
Excessive fear
and distrusts, plus reality distortions and toxic shame, can block
spontaneous
emotional / spiritual attachments. One symptom of this is difficulty committing to a
long-term relation-ship. Another is committing out of duty, loneliness,
seeking normalcy, or desire. Bonding-blocks hinder exchanging real love
internally and with other people and living things.
Your protective
or
Guardian subselves can mute or block feeling love and other
emotions. This can include numbing instinctual parental love, which
promotes dependent kids adapting to feeling unlovable (worthless) by growing their own
protective
false self.
Many
significantly-wounded caregivers can't really provide the full range of
critical nurturances for de-pendent kids without
meaningful personal recovery. Some are better than others at
pretending to
love (a reality distortion), when they really feel inept and disinterested.
This usually sends a confusing
their words say "I really
care about you," and their actions imply "I don't."
if confronted on this, Grown Wounded Children in denial will vow resentfully
"Oh NO - you're not receiving my love (so it's your fault, not
mine)!" - because they can't see their own wounds and distortions.
Since the
various forms of love are spontaneous attitudes, feelings, and behaviors, I
see no realistic way of using "logic" and "a plan" to acquire these. I also
know no way to heal this wound without being in meaningful
intimate (honest) relationships with (a) other healthy living things and (b) an accessible,
re-sponsive, benign
My experience
is that the ability to
and exchange love may grow spontaneously, as
other re-covery steps and experiences accumulate. Some tragic people seem to be too badly wounded to regain the full human ability to bond, and feel, give, and receive love that they were born with. They can
still live meaningful lives and help others to do the same.
+ + +
The final
page in this series summarizes seven recovery themes, common signs of recovery pro-gress,
and types of help available to people who choose to reduce false-self
wounds. Do you need a break before continuing?
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