Get the most from this article
by first reading...
-
The key factors promoting a
family and a healthy relationship;
-
Basic stepfamily
facts
and
-
This
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours);
-
most stepfamily co-parents are highly stressed, and the common
they cause;
-
co-parents can
over time,
to avoid or resolve these problems;
-
these
basics and
questions and
answers about stepsiblings.
Note
the other Solutions articles about managing boundaries between
mates,
ex mates, and
relatives.
+ + +
Interpersonal boundaries are personal and group limits which help
separate one person or group from another. Clear, stable boundaries and
consequences are vital elements of every
- like yours. All brothers
and sisters argue over personal and family boundaries occasionally or "all
the time"...
-
"Keep out of
my room / drawers / closet / diary / wallet /...!
-
"Keep your
hands off my stuff!"
-
"Stop
listening in on my phone conversations!"
-
"Mom, you're
not fair! You always give in to Jackie, but you never do with
me!"
-
"When I tell
you something private, you run and blab it to (someone)!"
-
"It's none
of your business how I'm doing at school."
-
"I hate it
when you gobble up my favorite snacks!"
-
"Will you
stop interrupting me at dinner?"
Boundary conflicts
between stepsisters and stepbrothers can cause more personal and marital
stress than in average intact biofamilies, because (a) there are usually more
kids and co-parents; (b) living in two or more homes with differing rules
and values; with (c) more concurrent adjustment-needs, confusions, and
conflicts; and (d) unclear
and family roles and rules; and (e) co-parents often haven't compromised on
significant conflicts over communication, parenting, and child-discipline
styles.
This
article covers (a) "boundary basics," (b) 10 basic
premises,
(c) an overview of typical surface boundary problems between stepsiblings,
and (d) 12 options for resolving the primary
(underlying)
problems. Before continuing, try saying out loud why you're reading this
article...
Boundary Basics
One instinctive way people in groups (like families) achieve personal and
group order, structure, and security is to form and enforce interpersonal
boundaries. They're physical (walls, doors, and clothing) and invisible
"This is mine (ours), and that's
yours
(theirs)." Boundaries separate me from you, and us from them.
Members of any
can all agree on their respective boundaries and how to enforce them, or
they can have minor to major boundary conflicts. All
families, like yours, form and negotiate three kinds of boundaries:
-
personal ("I
don't like anyone pinching or tickling me");
-
adult-child ("Georgie,
your Mom and I need some privacy right now"); and...
-
household or group ("Susan, I'm
going to tell your ex to stop barging into our home like he owns the
place, just because his sons live here.")
By
definition, people who form a new stepfamily by moving in together have to
re-negotiate all three groups of physical and invisible boundaries. This
rarely happens intentionally ("Saturday after the
football game, we're going to have a
family meeting about revising and
stabilizing our
boundaries.") Boundary negotiations and adjustments can be peaceful or
very conflictual, and effective or increase tensions.
Four
Boundary "Style"
Factors
From their prior-family tradition and past experiences, each of your stepfamily adults and
kids brings a semi-conscious "style" to redefining and
asserting their boundaries. Styles may mesh or conflict
A primary "boundary style"
factor
is attitude.
Do you know people and families who have aggressive attitudes about
what they deserve, and are entitled
to ("I should have my own bedroom / closet / garage space /
bathroom / desk / phone /...)"? How about others who are more passive ("Leo's been in
the bathroom so long... I guess I'll just have to wait").
Another style factor is how boundaries are "set" or declared. One
person or family's style may be loud, aggressive, and threatening - "You keep your nose out of my
belongings, or (something newsworthy will happen)!" Another family may
choose a style of pleading, hinting, whining, or explaining -
"Mom, Jackie was snooping in my room again... (so you do something about
that for me, OK?)"
Two
more "style" factors are how boundary
conflicts are negotiated (effectively or not);
and how they're
enforced (respectfully, promptly, and consistently; to disrespectfully,
"later," and erratically).
Families differ in how they do these four boundary "things," and usually
aren't aware of them. Reality check: can you describe how your childhood family
"did" each of
these four boundary "things"? Your current family? Your ex and
current partners' families?
divorcing families and stepfamilies managing
child
visitations must negotiate stable, satisfactory
boundaries in and between their custodial and non-custodial homes. This process can range
from "no problem" to highly conflictual, depending on (a) how
the
co-parents are, (b) who's
each home,
(c) how
the
co-parents are at communicating, and (d) the degree of
among the
co-parents.
Re/weddings
and/or co-parents and kids
cohabiting usually start the boundary-redefining process, for typical courtship boundaries are extra flexible.
When a minor child changes primary
residence, an "ours" baby is born, a relative or boarder moves in or out,
or people remodel or buy a new home, some personal and family boundaries need
renegotiation.
The
speed with which intra and inter-home boundaries are negotiated and stabilized
(or not) depends on (a) how compatible the styles, values, and
of the merging biofamilies are,
(b) the scope and intensity of any
between co-parents, and (c) how effectively
their members communicate in calm and conflictual times.
10 Key Premises
Several factors will shape your effectiveness at resolving
stepsibling boundary "problems." See whether you agree with each of
these ideas. If so, do your recent actions demonstrate that? (If "not
always," you may be dominated by a
at times.)
1)
The resident adults in each
co-parenting home are jointly responsible for evolving a successful
boundary-setting and enforcing policy. "Successful" means
everyone gets their main primary needs for respect, clarity, and
safety met often enough and well enough. "Policy" means a conscious,
coherent set of guidelines, rules, consequences, and values that govern how personal and family
boundaries are set, negotiated, and enforced. No policy is a policy! Do you know what your
boundary policy is? Is it effective
enough? According to whom?
2)
co-parents
consciously want to teach their kids how (a) to define and assert their own
boundaries and (b) to resolve
their own adult boundary disputes, so the kids gain
confidence in assuming responsibility for doing so, over time;
3) As with other life
skills, your minor kids will learn more from watching how you
co-parents handle your own boundary disputes than from what you say;
4) If all
of
your stepfamily co-parents haven't resolved your internal and mutual
conflicts about boundaries,
it will be hard for you to provide effective teaching and
modeling for your kids.
Four more basic premises about family
boundaries are...
Premise 5) Setting, enforcing, and
resolving conflicts about personal boundaries is part of the larger
co-parent goal of evolving effective
child
discipline in your several homes. That's part of the ongoing
stepfamily
- caregivers learning your stepkids' developmental and
special
needs, and assessing and filling
them effectively as a co-parenting team.
6) Your three or more
co-parents must (a) negotiate and (b) agree on specifically what each stepparent
is
with each stepchild, and
(c) how
much authority each stepmom and stepdad has in their home, before becoming
an effective childcare team. Until you overcome your
you adults may have boundary conflicts between each
other, as well as with your kids. This implies that each co-parent
must resolve any major
about these before tackling
mutual conflicts. Are you
partners used to doing that?
7) Significant boundary
conflicts among family adults and/or kids are symptoms of, and
causes of,
and/or
conflicts, and associated
Co-parents' being able to spot and resolve these three
universal dynamics can really help resolve boundary and other relationship
problems; and...
8)
Typical kids in new
settings and situations instinctively
need to identify and
test the
boundaries. They need to learn...
-
"What are the rules and limits here?"
-
"Who's in charge?", and...
-
"If I break the rules,
what happens - how much power do I have here?"
These questions
are caused by the primal (semi-conscious) need to feel
safe. Accepting this can help you view battling
stepkids compassionately as "growing their security," vs. being
"troublesome," "rebellious," or "acting out." And yes, at times
they're just thoughtless, unempathic, and self-absorbed, not testing!
9) Boundary
conflicts
bloom most often among people who aren't "used to" each other,
and those who have to compete for personal resources like space,
privacy, and "things" (phones, PCs, toys, clothes, cars, food,
bathrooms, money,...). The first may abate naturally as a
stepfamily
and bonds. The second may or may not abate with time,
depending on many factors;
Finally...
10) Often, (always?)
boundary conflicts between kids (and adults) are surface symptoms of
deeper
going unfilled. A useful
habit to build is the open-minded question "What's really
here?"
These 10 premises (or your version of
them) provide a base for your effectively resolving boundary conflicts
among stepbrothers and stepsisters in and between your co-parenting
homes. With them in mind, recall why you began reading this. What are you
seeking? If you have boundary "problems" between your stepsiblings now...
What
Are
the (Surface) Problems?
Most
"boundary conflicts" happen when one girl or boy feels another is
violating their personal or environmental space and/or disrespecting
their possessions. These are different than
role
where kids compete for household status or priority ("I'm the best
student / athlete / helper / girl / child /...) among other members. Most of the resolution principles are the same for
each kind of conflict.
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/boundaries.htm
If
your stepsibling boundary conflicts turn out "unresolved" too often, what
can you (frustrated) co-parents