Continued...
Identify and
Resolve the Primary Problems
Most relationship problems, specially among typical stepfamily members, are
caused by a group of underlying primary problems.
The
general themes to explore then, are (a) "what are the problems underlying this
'boundary' ruckus, and (b) who needs what to resolve each of them?" Is
this your current reflex when your kids boil over?
Choose the options below that fit your unique family
situation. Use this as a checklist with your co-parenting partners to help all
of you - and each of your kids - get more of your primary needs met.
|
Option 1)
Check to see that
your true Selves are steadily
each of your adult personalities. If any of your
co-parents are often ruled by a
false self,
you have bigger problems than stepsibling boundary issues. If
you are governed by a well-meaning false self, work at
Project-1
If some-one you care about seems to be significantly wounded,
see these options. |
Option 2) You
co-parents adopt a
long-range
view, and work patiently together at all 11 ongoing
co-parent
Making this a high shared priority will eventually help you resolve
most of your individual
stepfamily problems (like stepsib boundary issues) if you
mates made wise re/marital
(i.e. did
The rest of this
article assumes you're familiar with the basic ideas in each of
these Projects.
Option 3)
Invest time doing
each of these foundation checks thoroughly:
_ Does each person involved in your boundary problem really
accept your stepfamily
If
not, you co-parents work at
together until all adults
genuinely agree and accept "(a) We are a stepfamily, and (b) we know what
that
Otherwise you risk having unrealistic (biofamily)
expectations of each other, which will block
effective problem solving.
_ Does each person involved in the boundary problem
agree that their and the other
persons' needs and opinions are
Non-affectionate
name-calling and put-down adjectives ("That's a stupid idea") are
sure signs this isn't true. Kids and adults who lack true mutual respect are
usually ruled by shamed, guilty, and insecure
This outranks your
local boundary problem in long-term importance. Seek short-term
compromise for your boundary disputes, and concentrate your co-parents on safeguard
_ Does each conflicted person have a
two-person
Typical kids focus only
on their own current feelings and needs (a one-person bubble).
If true for you, teach them about awareness, mutual respect,
and these bubbles. Add "bubble
terms" (like "she's in a one-person bubble," or "You, Tim and
I are in my bubble now") to your family's
vocabulary.
_
Is everyone involved willing to stay focused on resolving the present
dispute, vs. bringing in other past or present problems?
Help everyone see that staying focused on one thing at a
time - in the present - benefits all of you! Keep your adults
and kids focused on filling current
vs. attacking each other's
personalities or actions.
Another vital foundation check:
_
Does each person involved in this
surface boundary dispute
clearly know (a) these communication
basics, and (b) these problem-solving
Specifically, can each of your
adults and kids
accurately describe the difference between
and other options like
arguing,
avoiding, blaming, etc.?
If not, using the ideas and resources in
invest time in teaching unaware people
about the basics and skills. Then help each other use them to fill the cluster
of primary needs causing this boundary conflict. Option: use this
communication-block
worksheet and this
technique to spot any problem in your shared communication (problem-solving)
process.
_
Does everyone involved understand the term (interpersonal)
"boundary" (or equivalent), and what it means? Can each
involved child and adult describe clearly what a
and
is?
These are probably contributing to your surface "boundary" problems. Invest time in
helping each adult and child understand each of these universal relationship
stressors. Option: use this
loyalty-conflict
worksheet to help you all "see" whether you're in one, who's
"in the middle," and what each person needs.
_
Assess whether everyone involved
is clear enough
on their personal rights.
Boundaries serve to assert and protect personal and
family rights, so this is essential. "Personal rights" may be alien to
any of you who
a
childhood
unaware caregivers). Identifying and accepting your rights as a unique, worthy
person is essential for true self-respect and self love. Accepting other
people's equal rights is necessary for effective conflict resolution. Your
kids silently depend on you co-parents to help them know and believe in
their rights, over time.
Finally...
_ Assess whether anyone
involved in the problem is doing "black-white thinking" - i.e. reducing your complex situation to only two
choices. Doing so risks not seeing many possible compromises.
Also guard against well-meaning
subselves who
insist that any problem-solution must be
A more helpful goal is
"good enough for now."
This is a lot of work, isn't
it? It would be far easier to just focus
on the surface conflicts, and avoid the extra mile with all these life-skill
steps. Walking the extra mile together will bring eventual benefits like working
towards a school diploma does. Not helping each other walk this mile guarantees that
similar conflicts will keep coming back in and between your co-parenting homes,
month after month...
If you feel that everyone is far enough along with these foundation checks, then consider...
Option 4) With
your true Selves
you,
to identify what each person in the boundary dispute
Start with
you! Don't settle for
surface needs ("I need Jeremy to stop
hogging the bathroom."). Also, help each other stay aware that problems
between kids ("Stay out of my stuff, Dorkhead!") cause different
problems
(needs) in the adults ("Will you three banshees stop screaming at each other?").
Option: give everyone who's old enough a copy of these
needs, and use it as
a checklist and discussion-starter. Translate it for younger kids, if useful.
Accept that ...
-
some of your people may not know what they really need,
until they get used to
digging down. One way to help is to ask
such a person "What would make you feel better, here?";
-
kids and adults usually have several
unfilled primary needs, not just one, so it helps to prioritize them; and ...
-
delving beneath the present surface
boundary problems may disclose some scary personal or relationship
realities that everyone's been trying to
or avoid.
If this happens, help each other keep a glass-half-full attitude:
"problems confronted (vs. denied) can lead to better times, long term." Recall that
(hopefully) you're all working together to build
stepfamily
relationships, so it works
against you all to blame each other as being inferior, weird, stupid, or bad.
If some
of you choose a glass-half-empty view (problem-confrontation won't work, or
will make more problems), false selves are probably in control.
Option 5) Use your
and
of each other's primary needs to
identify what,
specifically, is the boundary that got exceeded or violated here - e.g. "I
feel too disrespected by Marcy when she won't stop tickling
me." Then seek to understand what Marcy's primary needs are: "I need to
tickle Alex because..."
6) You
co-parents coach the kids involved to use
respectful
to assert their boundaries
and consequences. Give them examples
- which hopefully match how you assert your needs with them!
Promote a
shared spirit of "How can we help each other get enough of what
we each need here?" Help each other expand your options, not reduce them!
Toward that goal...
7) Study
how to give
respectful feedback to people who want some. Coach each other on how you deliver
suggestions and criticisms. Often the (disrespectful, or "1-up")
kids and adults describe their needs or reactions to each other
becomes the problem. Option: use this communication-block
checklist
to see if your process is getting in the way.
8) You
co-parents study and discuss the related articles on stepsibling
disinterest,
dislike,
distrust,
hostility,
jealousy, and
sexual
attraction. Use your growing knowledge and awareness of these to help your
warring kids' subselves calm down, sort out their problems (unmet primary needs), and work on
resolving one
or a few at a time. Patience, patience, patience!
Option 9) As you problem-solve together,
help each other to use respectful
- specially if someone's
rises "above their ears," so s/he can't hear well. Notice what
happens when you do this.
10) Be alert for any adults or kids being influenced by overactive
and
young subselves and their
Unchecked, they can inhibit (a) healthy assertion of boundaries and
consequences, and (b) encourage defensiveness, dishonesty, and blaming. Both
of these inhibit effective problem solving. Empathically use Project-1
resources to help those
subselves trust the resident true Selves to
11) you
adults observe and
your
communication
as you negotiate your boundary dispute.
Look for
and ineffective patterns across several
boundary disputes. The point: spot and improve unproductive communication sequences (people
don't get their needs met well enough), and affirm and celebrate effective
ones. Do you know anyone who takes their family communications this seriously?
An important final option...
12) Watch for chances
to appreciate each other and yourself!
If you make some headway on filling your primary needs and resolving your
boundary dispute respectfully, pat yourselves on the back! Have some fun
asserting dodge-proof compliments.
Recap
All people and groups form and act on physical and invisible boundaries to
increase security and social order. Conflicts over (a) boundaries, (b)
related consequences, and (c) the way boundaries are set and enforced
often cause
and social conflict between subselves, people, homes, families, groups, and
nations. Such conflicts are inevitable as three or more biofamilies
slowly
to create a new stepfamily.
Stepbrothers and stepsisters testing their alien new family
environment via "boundary wars"
can lure
unaware co-parents into stressful
("taking sides") and divisive
Thus one "bathroom-time" conflict
between two stepsiblings can create a tangle of inner and interpersonal
disputes in one 10 second burst of behaviors. While all multi-person homes have boundary conflicts, they're much more
emotionally complex in and between typical stepfamily homes. A major reason is that the
combatants are not of the same blood, and neither are their protective
parents.
This article proposes that stepsibling
boundary fights are
inevitable, and will always be about surface issues caused by
underlying primary needs. The article illustrates these, and proposes
a dozen options for identifying, ranking, and filling everyone's primary
needs well enough.
Stepsibling boundary conflicts are often symptoms of other concurrent
problems the
and
are
experiencing. Learn the
concurrent needs typical
stepkids have, and the range of typical relationship
they're
confronted with.
They need informed, harmonized help from all
of your co-parents
and other family kin and supporters!
