This
article focuses on co-parents' options for reacting to a painful stepfamily
reality. It is that if each co-parent has minor kids, one or more may feel rejected
by a stepbrother or stepsister who simply isn't interested in them.
Being ignored
can cause a different kind of pain than being
disliked,
for the message it implies is "you don't exist." We'll review some perspective on this, and the apparent surface
problems causing (and caused by) a stepsib to ignore another. Then we'll overview some
probable real problems, and co-parents' options for reacting wisely to
them.
Deepen your wisdom and raise your
long-term problem-solving success by thoughtfully reviewing...
Perspective
I
presume that like most people, you
to feel noticed, liked (accepted, appreciated, and approved of)
and important to the people you live and work regularly with. I'd also
bet you felt the same needs when you were a child. Do you remember
what it felt like to be pointedly ignored by someone you were around
every day?
Minor kids in average blended stepfamilies find themselves living with - and/or
regularly visiting - one or more kids they didn't choose to be friends with.
They're told one day that they are stepbrothers and stepsisters, because their
bioparents just remarried. Other kids are not told they're stepsiblings. They
hear "now we're all family" [so we adults want or expect you kids
to act like (biological) siblings.]
Even
if such kids have biological siblings, the
of "stepbrother" or "stepsister" is new and
alien. Unless they're from a divorced blended stepfamily, the only model most
of these girls and boys have to help them decide "How am I supposed to
feel and act (in this role)?" is their experience with genetic brothers
and sisters.
Other blended-stepfamily kids have never had a brother or sister, and they
may or may not want one. Either way, most are not asked (genuinely) if
they do - they're told. These kids also must discover "How am I
supposed to ('relate' to) each of these new kids that I don't know, and didn't
choose?"
Stepsiblings face the same task that adult new brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law
do: learning if they like, respect, and enjoy each other or not, over time.
If they don't, the next task is "How do I behave with them when
celebrations and holiday traditions force us to spend time together?" Stepsibs who live with and/or go to school with each other face that
question every day. There are few norms, guidelines, or empathic coaches to
help for either kids or co-parents.
Ideally, natural "chemistry" happens, and stepsiblings
genuinely like and enjoy each other. Another group of stepsiblings may not be
bosom pals, but draw together as allies in conflictual or chaotic homes (i.e.
most new stepfamilies). A third group of (insecure) co-habiting or visiting
stepsisters or stepbrothers become serious competitors for their co-parents' approval,
time, and attention.
This
stepfamily competition is apt to be fiercer than similar biofamily
competitions, because their are many
more stepfamily roles (up to 30), more daily uncertainties, and
more complex alien needs to fill, as co-parents'
three or more biofamilies
We're
concerned with a fourth group of stepsiblings and their co-parents: pairs
of kids where one or both honestly don't care about each other.
Depending on many factors, this can range from a non-problem to a
great source of household and stepfamily tension and distress. The kids' ages
and genders, custody, number, and many other factors, determine how motivated
one or more co-parents are to reduce this distress.
The
problem of stepsib indifference usually becomes significant when
co-parents and custodial kids move in together. It can also arise with each
child visitation, or when a co-parent moves
their
stepfamily home near to another's, or when a minor child
moves from one
co-parenting home to another.
When
any of these happen ...
What
Are The (Surface) Problems?
Examples could fill an encyclopedia ...
-
"Mom, Linda won't ever
let me play with her. Is there something wrong with me?"
-
"Robert (my stepbrother)
never looks at me or talks to me at dinner, even if I ask him a question.
I feel like I'm a ghost or something (and that feels bad)!"
-
"Hey Nina, can you (my
stepsib) help me with my Algebra?"
"No, I'm busy now."
"You're always 'busy'"
-
"It really burns me - all
(my stepsister) Jackie ever talks about is herself and her friends! She
never asks me anything about me - even interrupts me, when I'm talking to
her. She is so rude!"
-
"OK, if you want to
ignore my sister, then watch me ignore you, you loser!"
-
"I hate to say it, Kate,
but your son has the sensitivity and social skills of a door knob. He
treats (my son) Georgie like a piece of dirt."
-
"Millie, doesn't Jessica
(your daughter, my granddaughter) like her new stepsisters? She told me
they're boring. They seem nice enough to me ..."
Any of these sound familiar? These illustrate common surface problems
(tensions, concerns, conflicts) inside and between (a) dependent
stepsiblings, (b) mates and other co-parents, (c) bioparents and biokids, and
(d) extended-stepfamily relatives. The stress from stepsibling disinterest can
range from trivial to anguishing for each affected child and adult.
If someone you care about (including you) is significantly
"upset" by problems like these, you or they need to
...
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
As in other Solutions articles, key premises are ...
The "disinterest
problems" above
are normal surface symptoms of some deeper primary problems;
Your focusing only on solving
these surface problem/s risks their recurring, and promoting webs of
other problems. Combined with other stepfamily and personal conflicts,
this promotion risks everyone affected becoming increasingly
and irritated, over time.
If unattended, these will
probably polarize your stepfamily household/s ("it's us
against them"), hinder stepfamily bonding, amplify
psychological
and promote co-parent and stepsibling confusions and self
doubts.
Two people enjoy
"relating" when each person usually fills one or more key
in the other. People who (a) don't need something from another
child or adult, and (b) who don't need to "be polite /
considerate / nice / sensitive / empathic / ..." will have little or
no interest in the other person.
Avoidance
and dislike are different than
indifference. The first two
say "I notice you - and don't like something about you."
Indifference
says "You make no impression on me - you are nothing."
If co-parents
or
demand that one stepsibling be interested in (vs. respect
the dignity of) another, the usual outcomes will be escalating anxiety,
resentment, frustration, guilt, and c/overt resistance.
Four options that
co-parents and kids have in dealing with stepsibling indifference are ...
ignore, deny,
minimize, or intellectualize (analyze) it;
try to solve it
with
(surface attitude) changes;
blame
one
or more persons involved (including one's self) for being bad or wrong;
or...
accept the
disinterest nonjudgmentally, and assess each child
and adult for their underlying primary needs. If filling their needs
adequately isn't possible, then ...
-
empathically help everyone accept these wise
-
any lost dreams and
hopes, while ...
-
keeping your
and
clear
and steady, and ...
-
growing and enjoying other aspects of your
extended stepfamily.
Piece o' cake, huh?
Do these premises seem realistic to you? If so - what are the real
problems, and how can you solve them? If stepsibling disinterest
is a significant problem to one or more of you, see if you have one or more of
these ...
1) What
looks like disinterest is really some combination of
distrust,
dislike,
lust,
and/or disrespect, (so follow those
links), coupled with ...
2) The "disinterested" child
(a) not knowing how to effectively
and resolve these, and/or
(b) not feeling safe to attempt
this, for
of criticism, rejection,
discounting, or creating other conflicts like ...
3)
Three
or more of you getting entangled in a
and a related
- and you co-parents
(a) not knowing this, or (b)
how to resolve these stressful dynamics.
For example: If young Bob's non-custodial biodad hasn't accepted his ex wife's
recently marrying another man, he may tell his son "You don't have
anything to do with 'those people' (Bob's stepfamily relatives)." So when
new stepsister Amy makes normal friendship overtures to him, One of Bob's
fears his father's disapproval, and another
subself "freezes" him (causes emotional numbness), and/or
makes him pretend indifference to her.
If his mother and stepfather don't know about Bob's father's stern
instruction, or if he denies it, they and Amy will see Bob as
"cold," "unfriendly," and maybe "self centered."
If Bob has no safe person/s to confide in or get counsel from, he
silently suffers confusion, guilt, anxiety, and perhaps shame. Combined, these promote formation of a
false self and related
If Bob's Mom or stepdad, and/or Amy's protective older brother or an
assertive relative, publicly scorn Bob for his "selfishness," they
become persecutors and he the victim. That probably will evoke
his mother or another sibling jumping to his defense as rescuers.
Unseen, this transforms their homes and stepfamily into distrustful
antagonists, vs. co-builders. That stresses co-parent re/marriages.
Those actions can create secondary loyalty conflicts and triangles, which
increase
and stepfamily conflicts. For instance, if Bob tells his mom or stepfather
about his father's "rule," those adults can become persecutors by
attacking the biofather (the victim) - not knowing that he's suffering from
false-self wounds and blocked divorce grief. Paradoxically, Bob
may spring to his Father's defense, becoming a rescuer while he's also
a victim.
How many average co-parents, including Bob's Father and you, do
you think (a) know what these are, (b) are
of them happening, and then
(c) know how to effectively resolve
the complex personal, home, and stepfamily conflicts they create? My
experience over ~1,000 average co-parents since 1981 is under five in
100.
4) Another possible unseen true problem is that a
"disinterested" child like Bob may be stuck
in
an astonishing array of tangible and invisible
(broken emotional bonds, or attachments) from his
(a) biofamily
breakup;
and (b) parent's re/marriage, stepfamily co-habiting, and
their
biofamilies. This is
specially likely if either his biomom or biodad are
and stuck in mourning their
many losses.
Healthy grief gradually frees up the will and energy to create selective new interests
and attachments, after major losses occur. If Bob comes from ancestors who fear
strong emotions, and who covertly
feeling and expressing the normal anger, sadness, confusion,
resentment, and anxieties that family divorce and re/marriage generate,
the boy may have no emotional room for the friendship that his stepsister Amy
offers.
Not understanding any of this, Amy can interpret Bob's "coldness" as
rejection. If she's insecure and confused, as most kids of divorce
are for some time, her stepbrother's behavior may unintentionally increase her feelings
self doubt, hurt, and shame: "I'm a bad person or girl." If she
has no one to confide in, her silent self-disparagement promotes the formation of a dominant
If you want to know whether this may be part of your true problem,
explore
together:
your stepfamily kids
and adults for blocked grief, and learn how to promote
among you all.
5) The worst
case is if the
"disinterested" child is so wounded
that s/he is unable to
with certain people, or with
anyone.
This manifests unconscious
that (a) the child is lovable (shame), and that (b) attaching (needing) is emotionally safe from
certain rejection
and abandonment. Such distrusts and fears are sure signs of
false-self
control.
To
appear "normal," such terrified kids instinctively become adept at faking
attachments - i.e. pre-tending to themselves and to others. This inability can occur when a
very young child feels emotionally abandoned by (doesn't bond with) a
primary caretaker, usually their biomother. Difficulty bonding is a sure sign of
(a)
low childhood
and
(b) major psychological
Another problem you may not "see" here is that ...
6)
You
co-parents aren't aware of, or fluent in, the
seven communication
that empower you all to identify and
resolve
and family relationship problems. If you co-parents don't know, model, and
teach at these skills to your kids - the "disinterested" one and others - they'll be
ineffective at win-win
too.
Here's how two of the skills might sound with this surface problem:
Pam: "Mom, (stepsister) Linda
won't ever let me play with her. Is there something wrong with me?"
Mom: "You're wondering if
you're doing something that makes her not want to play ..."
Note that Mom does not blame, moralize,
judge, or try to fix,
reassure, question, blame, explain, sermonize, or refocus ...)
Pam: "Uh huh.
(feeling heard) Mom, is there something wrong with me? Linda is so mean!"
Mom: "No Honey, there
is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And I understand that you feel bad she
won't invite you to play. You sound kind of mad ..." (clear, positive
assertion, more listening.)
Pam: "I am
mad at her!" (Again, the girl feels nonjudgmentally heard. She
goes on to describe an incident where Linda rejected her.) "Why is she so
mean?"
Mom: "You don't
understand why she did that ..." (doing more EL.) "You know, I wonder if
we could find a way to make this better. Any ideas?" (Mom avoids telling
her daughter what to do, and invites her to start problem solving. They've
done this together before.)
Pam: "I don't
know. I've asked her and asked her..."
Mom: "And that didn't
work. Tell me, Hon, what do you need from Linda?" (starting to define
the problem).
Pam: "I want her
to let me do stuff with her." (She describes several things. Mom repeats
these briefly, without evaluation).
Mom: "Sounds to me
like you want her to want to do things with you, and to stop being mean."
(Her daughter nods) "And what do you need from me, about this problem?" (further clarifying current
needs).
Pam: "I want you
to tell Linda to play with me."
Mom: "You think then
she'd stop being mean ..." (Her daughter nods) "Well, that gives me
an idea." (brainstorming, not agreeing or disagreeing.) "What if the
three of us have a talk, and see if we can find some way for you and Linda to
each get what you need? Would you be willing to do that?"
Pam: "But she'll
get mad, Mom ..."
Mom: "You worry that
she'll get upset ..." (Pam nods.) "I'd like you to trust me, Hon. I know
how to handle it if Linda needs to be upset. I can make it safe enough. Will
you trust me, or do you want to think about it some?" ... (listens,
reassures, asks for agreement respectfully.)
This exchange might take about three minutes. It sets up the beginning of
win-win-win problem solving, with Mom leading. The next step would be an
undistracted three-way meeting to learn what Linda feels and needs. Then Mom
can facilitate both girls getting enough of what they want - and teach them
communication skills as she does so.
How does this mini-example differ from how you'd react to your child feeling
rejected and invisible? This simplistic example only shows
and the beginning of
- not
and
skills. The comments in the example illustrate the learnable skill of
If you co-parents communicated like this, what might happen to your
"disinterested stepsibling" problem?
7)
Part of
Bob's (or your child's) "disinterest" may really be unspoken (or
unheard) emotional overwhelm. Typical stepkids can have as many as 40 or 50 concurrent needs to fill, many of them unacknowledged by the child
or their co-parents. Does that sound wild-eyed? Read
this
and see what you think.
Because kids and many adults lack (a) the awareness of all these
developmental and adjustment projects, and (b) the skills and vocabulary to
express them, typical stepkids can feel emotionally buried. Have
you ever felt overwhelmed? If you have, if someone had invited you
to build a friendship then, how would you react?
If this overwhelm is combined with other primary problems above, small wonder
that a minor
or grown child would appear to be indifferent or uncaring!
8)
Finally,
your "disinterested" child may be emotionally numbed out and
paralyzed by (a) some of the above, and (b) because s/he feels unsafe
in your home/s. If s/he perceives significant strife between
you mates, and/or among other stepfamily members, s/he may live
in
of some imagined or nameless
trauma - based on earlier real agonies. "Earlier" includes the first
days of infancy, and perhaps even later pregnancy months.
Such strife and terror are usually symptoms of these
operating in and between your
related co-parenting homes. The most powerful factor, and
most often
- is co-parents'
often being controlled by false selves.
This is solvable, over time - if you partners roll up your
sleeves and co-commit to tackling these
in order. Even if you're already re/married, Project 7 can give some
useful perspective on your nuptial choices.
There are other primary problems that may underlie your
stepsibling's surface "disinterest" behaviors. These eight are
common, and basic. If you co-parents creatively assess for each of these
problems, and work together to resolve any you find one at a time, I'd
bet the odds are high your "disinterest problem" will shrink.
And ...
The odds are also high that in assessing, you'll uncover some other personal
or adult-relationship problems in and between your co-parenting homes that
need diligent, courageous attention. I've rarely seen a "presenting"
stepfamily problem that didn't really turn out to be a mix of
interconnected
The good news is - powered by marital and parental love, commitment,
and clear knowledge and awareness - co-parents like you can
resolve any component problem in your mix, over time. That's what
high-nurturance
relationships and families are best at!
Breathe and notice what you're thinking and feeling.
Recall why you began reading this. Did you get what you needed? If not - what
you need?
Would it be useful to print and copy this article and/or any related
ones and show them to someone else? What might happen? What might happen if
you don't?
Recap
Typical
blended
stepfamilies have some unique conflicts that other
stepfamilies, and all intact biofamilies, don't. One is a stepchild feeling ignored
by (unimportant to) a disinterested
stepbrother or stepsister. This can feel like a mild irritant to a major
insult to the ignored child and/or their bioparent/s or
protective biosiblings. The intensity of the felt rejection and self
doubt can be greater in typical stepfami-lies compared to a biosibling's
disinterest.
When stepsibling disinterest is a current household or stepfamily stressor, it
is usually one of a group of concurrent problems resulting from the complex
multi-year
of three or more extended biofamilies.
If co-parents like you focus in on this "disinterest" relationship
problem, you'll typically find one or more surface problems
like those illustrated here. Exploring "beneath" these symptoms is
likely to disclose one or more of eight primary problems.
If you co-parents team up to assess and resolve each primary problem by following the
links and suggestions above, you can improve every one of them, over time. If you co-commit to doing that, you'll probably discover
that many concurrent (surface) role and relationship
problems your stepfamily members
experience will improve!
Go for it!
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