This
article for divorced and stepfamily co-parents presents (a) context to better
understand the surface problems when stepsiblings "don't like" each
other, and (b) options for identifying and resolving the underlying primary
problems. The article extends these
general options for managing dislike
between family members, so read it first.
Before reading further, pause to see if you can identify specifically why
you're reading this article. What are you looking for? Validation? Clarity?
Encouragement? Options?
Context
Structurally, there are almost
of stepfamily. One subset of
these 100 is blended stepfamilies, in which each re/wedded partner
has one or more kids from prior unions.
Such partners are dual-role
co-parents - they're each doing bioparent and stepparent
Their prior offspring are stepsiblings - stepbrothers and stepsisters.
Many
dual-role co-parents can feel distress because one or more of his kids
doesn't like one or more of hers, or vice versa. This can feel
specially stressful if both parents have physical custody, so their
antagonistic kids must live together most of the time.
Significant
stepsibling "dislike" can cause re/marital conflicts, and
block the partners' dream of growing a unified, bonded, loving
"regular" (biological) family together.
As
you're well aware, human nature decrees that - no matter how nobly motivated,
one person (like a parent) can't force or demand that two
other people "like" each other. If I expect or
demand that you love, trust, care about, and respect
me, I make those impossible - because by definition, those gifts can only be earned,
and can only be given spontaneously.
If
one or both co-parents express displeasure or criticize one or both kids for
"not being nice / kind / loving / friendly" to each other, the child(ren) feel
some brew of guilt, shame, resentment, and frustration. Everyone's upset!
Dislike
is not indifference -
i.e. one of your stepsiblings may simply have no interest in
another. Because this feels like rejection, it's a separate household
or family issue meriting adult effort.
Your
stepsiblings disliking each can range from "cordial"
(respectful) to bitter criticism, hostility, and aggression. Depending on their ages and genders,
genetic (biological) sisters and brothers may feel
a fluctuating mix of affection, loyalty (bonding), love, indifference,
competition, and irritation.
Stepsibs usually have no meaningful choice about
living with, and even rooming with, these alien "new kids."
They have absolutely no innate reason to feel affection, loyalty, trust, or love
for the "new kids" when their Mom or Dad re/marries their Dad
or Mom.
When
one or more stepsibs are past puberty, odds rise that part of any
"dislike" they feel is sexual tension. This is more
likely than between biosibs, because stepbrothers and sisters usually didn't
grow up together - so the protective incest taboo isn't there.
As
you're well aware, children's ages can make a big difference on whether dislike
is a problem, and if so - how big a problem. Visitation, vs.
cohabiting, also
makes a difference. Two four year olds rejecting each other will probably sound and
feel a lot different than a 17-year old spurning a 12-year old stepsibling.
Stepsisters may be more sensitive and reactive to perceived dislike
than stepbrothers - though there are many exceptions. Personal insecurity
and low self respect affect all ages and genders...
What
can co-parents (like you?) do to ease this "dislike" situation?
If
you're looking for a quick fix, go
here
- but
if you do, you're at high risk of having your stepsib problems return or
multiply. For lasting resolution, invest patient effort in building a solid
foundation by reading and discussing these...
The
second step (for any relationship stressor) is to
accept that
what
seems to be the problem is probably not the true problem. It's
usually a
symptom of something deeper.
Throughout this Web site, (a)
and interpersonal "problems" are viewed as current emotional,
physical, mental, and spiritual
that aren't being met well enough. Also note that relationship conflicts
(b)
are usually mixes of several concurrent conflicts, which need separating;
and (c) can be amplified or caused by the way you adults and kids communicate
about them. Is this new news to you?
So
if you're living with two or more stepsiblings that "don't like each
other"...
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Possible variations are infinite. For instance...
-
"Mom, (my stepbrother)
Jerry is such a stupid, selfish, rude jerk! Why did you have to
marry his father, anyway?"
-
"Billie, if I had a
zitty, piggy face like your sister (my stepsister), I'd kill myself."
-
"Just because you (my
stepbrother) can't make any friends, don't hang around me and mine and
expect us all to be buddies, you dork."
-
"Janet, I'm getting tired
of (your daughter) Alex treating (my daughter) Trish like garbage. I don't
see you or her Dad doing anything to teach your girl how to be civilized..."
-
"Margaret, I'm surprised
you don't do something about (your stepson) Nickie. Harold (your son, my
grandson) tells me his stepbrother hits him, swears at him, snoops in his
room, and takes his things all the time."
-
"Teresa, I expect my kids
to stand up for themselves with moronic bullies like (your stepbrother)
Manuel. Where's your backbone? Why are you such a wimp with him?"
Notice your reactions to each of these, one at a time. Would you say
"stepsibling dislike" is the main problem in each of them? I
wouldn't. Whatever the details, dislike between cohabiting or visiting
stepsibs will often cause a sequence of events like this...
One child
often pointedly or subtly (a) avoids
being with a stepsibling; and/or (b) says insulting or
disparaging things to and about their stepsibling, and/or frequently (c) acts in a
disrespectful, aggressive, or hurtful way to their stepbrother or sister.
These attitudes and behaviors will usually cause...
the
disliked child to withdraw and sulk or mope, or fight back with
counter- dislike; so...
your disliked child's
biomom and/or biodad start to polarize and defend their girl or
boy against the "disliker." This risks...
causing
significant
with their (your) spouse
and involved others, and setting up one or more overlapping relationship
among you four adults and kids (and others). Together, all of these...
can
feel "too complicated," confusing, and overwhelming
to your adults
and kids alike, because each of you have a lot of other current
to fill and
adjustment-tasks to
master! Unless...
your
three or more co-parents are fluent with the
seven problem-solving
(which is rare), this overwhelm can spread within your extended
stepfamily. This raises everyone's anxiety, hinders stepfamily bonding, and
lowers trust, intimacy, and personal patience and resilience. If you
co-parents don't (or can't) communicate effectively to stop these dynamics,
they lead over time to...
growing
webs of inner
family (personal) + household + inter-home problems (need conflicts) for
each co-parent and child - including those not directly caught in the stepsib dislike
crossfire. These conflict webs, in turn, promote...
false-self dominance in wounded adults
and kids.
That means that their innately wise true
Selves are "held hostage" by well-meaning, volatile
which usually leads to mounting personal and stepfamily tensions. This leads
to...
re/marital stress, which lowers everyone's emotional serenity
and security.
This sequence has many variations, but the theme is
universal. This doesn't mean that "stepsibling
dislike" is a re/marriage-killer by itself.
But if co-parents don't acknowledge it and co-operate to
solve the primary problems underneath it, excessive stepsib conflict
can add to a mix of stressors which trigger the escalating chain reaction
above.
Depending on scores of interactive factors, this complex
chain reaction can take five months or 12 years to peak. When
it does, someone will "hit the wall" and do something
radically different to change the sequence. You partners can
avoid this toxic chain of stepfamily events if you...
Identify and
Resolve the Primary Problems
Though your stepfamily members and circumstances are unique, there are some
universal steps you co-parents can take to moderate and adjust to
stepsibling dislike - vs. "fix it." What follows assumes that
"the problem" (dislike) isn't the problem - it's a
symptom of one or more unseen real problems. Explore these
possibilities...
1) Your and/or
another co-parent's attitude about your
stepsibs' dislike symptom may be adding to the "problem." Do you
see their "dislike" as a bother, nuisance, catastrophe,
(parenting) failure, a threat to something, a weakness, a tragedy, or
the like (glass half empty); or do you see it as an opportunity to learn
something valuable, and to teach your kids some priceless life skills
(glass half full)? Do you see the "disliker" as bad, or burdened
? The latter attitudes suggests your
is in charge!
2) There
are several common co-parent traits and dynamics that can cause tension
between stepsiblings. Co-parents who aren't able to look at
their and their mate's traits and behaviors honestly often attribute their
inner and relationship problems to one or more kids. Courageously assess
these together...
One or more
co-parents (you?) is
with a (bio)child.
The adult has unconsciously blurred the boundaries between them and the
child, and is overconcerned with her or his welfare and feelings
This may cause another stepsibling to feel ganged up on, excluded, or second
best, causing them to "dislike" the enmeshed child. Enmeshment is
a sure sign of false
self dominance. See Project
1 for options, resources, and direction. And/or...
One or both of the
"disliker" child's bioparents is emotionally overwhelmed
("regressed") by life circumstances, and is ruled by a false self. That causes an over-responsible (usually oldest) child to
need to parent their parent. The rescuing child takes inappropriate
household authority and
responsibilities, because s/he doesn't see her/his Dad or Mom doing so.
This protectiveness is amplified if the child sees one bioparent often criticizing or
disrespecting the regressed adult.
This unconscious role imbalance
may cast the child in a "superior" household or stepfamily
position, causing resentment ("dislike") in one or more other kids
(and often a stepparent). The real problem here is the
"regressed" bioparent's
dominating their personality. Try
your
home or stepfamily to see who's really
in charge, and see
for more options.
A final underlying adult
problem to assess...
A strange,
powerful dynamic in typical family homes and systems is members' abilities
to unconsciously camouflage
the real problems,
because they appear too scary to the leaders, or to everyone. Classic causes of this deception are someone's addiction, abuse, major
illness, loss, or major trouble with the law or money. A universal cause is
the horror of
another
divorce.
If you re/married mates are having major relationship problems, it
may be that there's an unspoken agreement among you and dependent kids to
(a) pretend the problems don't exist,
and (b) focus everyone's attention on some
problem/s with one or more kids, like stepsibling
"dislike." Seeking stability,
("troubled")
can
promote one member's unconsciously accepting a "scapegoat" role,
to protect everyone from seeing the larger real problem. When
this happens, the
co-parents are denying
reality, and are surely controlled by
false
selves. Once again, some version of
holds the real solutions.
3) If the real problem is not in or between co-parents, stepsibling (and adult)
"dislike" is often a mix of one or more of these underlying
stressors...
This gives you co-parents the
option of patiently researching which of these is the real culprit, and
then helping your kids heal them one at a time. Read each of those linked
articles, and see what you find.
Another possible real problem may be...
4) Often a child (or grownup) who "doesn't like" someone isn't clear and firm
on (a) their own personal rights, (b) what they feel
and
and
(c) how to
effectively
their needs and boundaries
(limits) with the person they "dislike." The first two of these are low-awareness
problems. The third is lack of knowledge. All can change! Consider these
options you have...
_
Review this personal rights example,
and tailor it to
fit you. Then help each of your kids to build their own list of
personal rights, and use their rights to help define and assert
their needs and boundaries respectfully.
_
Steadily
encourage your kids to accept that they each have the same set of
rights. Help them learn (a) what an
attitude is, and
(b) what always happens in relationships where they
chose an alternative "I'm 1-up" or "I'm 1-down" attitude.
True
Selves promote =/= (mutual respect) relationships!
_
Coach your kids
to become
of their feelings and needs,
without anxiety or guilt. Try building the habit of asking each other nonjudgmentally
(a) "What do you feel right now? and (b) "What do you need
(from me, or in general) right now?" Then really
to the answer without a compulsion to fix the speaker! The more your kids see and hear
you co-parents express your feelings and needs respectfully (vs.
aggressively or apologetically), the more apt they are to do the same. As a
child, did
you see your caregivers express those?
And you co-parents can...
_
Learn what respectful
assertion is. (Can you describe that now?) Then
intentionally model that vital communication
skill and coach each of
your kids how to use it to effectively to declare their opinions, needs, and boundaries.
Doing this is a vital part of the larger co-parenting goal of empowering
each of your minor kids to respect and nurture themselves, and to communicate
See
for ideas, direction, and resources.
As your kids' grow their (a) awareness of their rights and true (vs. surface)
needs, and (b) their knowledge of how to assert these, the "dislike"
between them may go down, over time. If not - look for other
underlying problems like...
5) One or
more of you kids and co-parents is caught in an escalating
or a associated
Example: Child A attacks (criticizes / disparages /
harasses) child B's sibling (the victim). Child B (in the middle) loyally
defends (rescues) their sibling by attacking child A. Child A denies their
original behavior, and "dislikes" both B and B's brother or sister.
Result: family uproar.
If you co-parents observe or hear this happening, you may add tension by
automatically defending your child against their stepsibling - like
"Jerry, you stop picking on Nancy (or my daughter) like that!" If Jerry then appeals to his parent for support, you adults can
start to argue about "who's kid is wrong" (and who's the better
parent). One or both of you can then feel torn between allegiance to your
spouse or to your child - a seemingly lose-lose loyalty dilemma.
Follow each of the two links above for more insight, options, and resources.
Another possible real problem underlying stepsibling "dislike" is...
6)
is a common (unrecognized) stressor in typical U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies. One reason for this is that all members in each
such family, including yours, has two
or three sets of massive
(broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) to mourn.
Another reason is that many divorced and/or re/married
co-parents are
"numbed out" (to emotions and needs), and have trouble
grieving and
others to
grieve. That often means their kids can't grieve well either (yet). One
sign of blocked grief is chronic anger, which promotes dislike!
One of the natural benefits to healthy mourning is that it gradually frees up
our emotional energy to selectively build new nurturing attachments (bonds). If one or more
of your kids is frozen in mourning their many prior losses, they may have
little or no energy to invest in growing a new relationship with a
stepsibling. That's specially true if they feel one or more of the other eight
items in (3) above.
So your stepsiblings' "dislike" may be partly due to one or both
kids having too little psychological energy available to invest in building a friendship.
Option: you co-parents can study
and apply the ideas there. Give special priority to
assessing
for blocked grief, and developing a
for each of your co-parenting homes.
Where there's one blocked griever, there
are usually more close by. Blocked grief is always a
symptom of low childhood
and
related false-self dominance. That and
are the ultimate underlying problems!
Another common underlying stepfamily co-parenting problem is...
7) One
or more minor kids is overwhelmed by their up to ~50
concurrent developmental and adjustment
needs,
and their family caregivers are either unaware of this, don't know how to
assess
for it, or don't know what to do about it.
Recall
a time when you felt emotionally overwhelmed. How receptive to friendly
overtures and new friendships were you? Chronically overwhelmed kids can
dislike anyone who adds unwelcome stimulation to their great burdens -
specially if they're dominated by a false self. See these
Project 10 links for more insight, co-parenting options, and resources.
If none of these seem to be main causes of your stepsibs' dislike then...
8)
A final possibility
is plain "bad chemistry" between the
children. Think of someone you just plain don't like. Can you
describe why, specifically? Usually, "bad chemistry" boils down to
"s/he has core behaviors, physical attributes, and/or
values that offend, scare, or stress me - so I don't like being around
them." Some of us just "rub each other the wrong way." Reducing that requires one or both people to change some core values and
habits - which they may simply prefer not to do, despite the many options
above. Caution: because these options require effort,
confrontation, and change, you may feel like writing off your stepsibs'
dislike as "bad chemistry," and saying "Oh well... (we can't
improve it)." This is specially likely if you or you (mates) both
are overwhelmed!
If you exhaust these solution options and conclude that "bad
chemistry" is the underlying problem - your options are to (a) deny or
minimize that, (b) openly accept and adjust to that, or to (c) blame someone
as bad or wrong in some way.
"Accepting" the dislike includes...
all your
co-parents
(a) accepting your stepfamily
and
(b) what it
(co-projects
and
- and
then patiently teaching those to your kids, other relatives, and key
supporters; and...
each household and stepfamily
adult and child (a) owning openly and uncritically how the
stepsibling "dislike" affects them; and (b)
their rights, needs, and personal
boundaries
when the "dislike" invites that; and...
you co-parents encouraging
everyone to grieve your lost dream of a perfectly harmonious
home and stepfamily; and...
Seeing if you can nurture the
art and mind-states of empathy, tolerance, and respectful
dislike and disagreement among you. Help each other stay clear and aware
of the difference between having unpleasant behaviors, and being a
bad (unlovable, worthless) person; and...
Help each other to remember
your ongoing option of often affirming the good that each child and
adult in your homes and stepfamily contributes to you all, despite
irritations, frustrations, and "dislike."
Note that we've just overviewed 20 possible solutions to the primary
problems causing "stepsibling dislike"! How does that feel? How
many of these did you already know of ? Does your answer add credibility
to the proposal that unawareness
is one of five major contributors to widespread divorcing family and stepfamily
distress credible?
Recap
Sisters and brothers in most homes and families routinely compete and fight.
They usually have more in common than typical stepsiblings - who often had no
meaningful say in being "forced" to live with each other.
"Dislike" between stepbrothers and/or stepsisters (and
half-siblings) can be specially vexing and stressful in and between stepfamily
homes - partly because of the normal welter of concurrent stressors kids and
co-parents alike are experiencing.
This article offers some context with which to view "stepsibling
dislike," illustrates the typical surface problems it promotes,
including a stressful 9-step stepfamily relationship sequence; and outlines
over 20 options to identify and resolve up to eight underlying true
problems that are promoting the "dislike." Co-parents have the best chance for reducing or accepting such
dislike, and many other family relationship and role problems, by
learning the five common
for stepfamily
stress and working at these
for avoiding them.
My 27 years' clinical experience suggests that
the key to all of this is you mates
doing
together - i.e. compassionately
your co-parents and kids for significant false-self
and freeing your true Selves.
Paradox: If your
is
often controlled by a false self, those protective subselves will find ways to avoid Project 1,
until the pain and risk of continuing becomes too great to endure. Each new
day is another chance to start your and your kids' healing...
+ + +
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