The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/jealousy.htm
This is one of a series of
Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily
relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between stepfamily siblings. Most ideas here apply equally to divorced or widowed parents and their minor and grown kids.
This gives perspective on this
nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it. These
ideas aim to augment, not replace, appropriate professional
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The "green-eyed monster" (jealousy or envy) is alive and well in
the world, and in typical multi-home stepfamilies.
This article focuses on
what co-parents can do to help a child put down the burden of excessive
envy of a stepbrother or stepsister. You'll read some perspective, an outline of the surface
problems, and suggestions for filling possible real needs feeding the
"monster."
For
initial perspective, see three
basic suggestions that begin this stepsibling sub-series, and the
companion article on healing jealousy between ex
mates.
Perspective
Have you
ever envied another person, as a child or an adult? What kinds of
thoughts and feelings did (or do) you have? Are you aware of anyone ever
being
of you? What was it like to know that per-son
coveted something (or someone) that you "possessed"?
When
major jealousy lives in your home, it brings blooms of discontent and
resentment from one member's yearning for something possessed by another. The
"something" can be physical or invisible. The longing, and the
related relationship stresses, are just the same.
Like
taxes, headaches, and insects, some jealousies are worse than others.
We all feel mild envies occasionally - "Gee, it must be nice to have the
problems Alex does..." That good natured longing can escalate to
traumatic thoughts and behaviors including real-life injury and death -
"If I can't have you, no one can!" This article focuses on a level
of ongoing jealousy between stepsiblings that someone considers
to be "excessive." Is that someone you?
As
with most relationship "problems" (unfilled needs), excessive
jealousy teaches us some interesting things about the people involved. The
more you and they understand these "things," the higher your odds for you're
getting your needs met. See what you think about these "things"...
Basic Premises
Like hunger and thirst, the
feelings of envy or jealousy are not intrinsically negative
or bad. These feelings are normal symptoms of one or more
unfilled human needs. Explaining this can free your jealous child from
unwarranted guilt ("I shouldn't feel jealous of Amy.") or
shame ("I'm a bad person because I feel so jealous.")
The effects of
excessively jealous feelings and thoughts may be harmful personally,
if your child loses self respect or life balance from them; and/or
socially, if one or more family relationships are stressed by
anxiety, resentment, hurt, and guilt.
Words can be
important. Jealousy and envy may have
different meanings and emotional "flavors" (associations) for
different people. For instance, envy may feel acceptable as a normal,
usually harmless human trait, while jealousy may incur sharp criticisms of moral
"weakness" and "wrongness," or vice versa.
Religiously zealous co-parents (bioparents and/or stepparents)
may use their (Biblically unfounded) belief that envy is one of
"the seven deadly sins," to shame or warn a young coveter.
If you feel stepsibling
jealousy is "a significant problem" in your home or stepfamily,
define your terms. In this article, envy and jealousy mean
the same thing. Build clarity on whether "the problem" is judged
as a "personality flaw" or a behavioral stressor, for
these are healed differently.
Option: poll your family
members to learn their attitudes and biases about "jealousy" and
"envy." You may be surprised at what you learn! How likely is it that your
unconscious (good / bad) attitude about jealousy and jealous
people is carrying on the belief of a judgmental ancestor or here/ine? What are you and others teaching each of your kids to believe
about the rightness or wrongness of the normal emotion of envy?
More premises
about excessive stepsibling jealousy...
All family members benefit by clearly
distinguishing
between jealous feelings, and behaviors (actions) caused
by those feelings. Silently or vocally envying a stepbrother's
baseball success has a different stepfamily impact than does
spitefully hiding his glove so he can't be so successful.
Like all relationship
problems, "excessive stepsibling jealousy" can be seen as either
a problem or an opportunity. Your and other
family members' choices between these two attitudes will determine
whether the kids' jealousy causes resentment, hurt, anxiety, guilt, and shame
among you, or curiosity, compassion, constructive confrontation, and cooperative
problem solving.
The opportunity here is for you
all to learn (a) what really causes jealousy, (b) how to spot and express
envy honestly, and
(c) what to do about it as stepfamily teammates!
Several personality traits
may help explain why one child may be burdened by jealousy, while a sibling
isn't. Key traits...
-
A sense of entitlement.
Do you know people who believe the world owes them various
prizes like love, success, wealth, and freedom? They believe they deserve such things because they're
human, or
"special." Such dissatisfied kids
and adults unconsciously sentence themselves to perpetually resenting life's
"unfairness." Other people see those
prizes as blessings bestowed randomly by "fate," and/or
earned by self responsibility, courage,
risks,
honesty, and hard work.
-
Personal and/or
family
Kids and adults afflicted
by this crippling attitude ("I am clearly worthless and
unlovable") can fruitlessly seek to ease their pain by acquiring
"things" - power, wealth, attractive companions, and prized
objects. Your jealous child may
semi-consciously feel if s/he had what his or her stepsib has,
she'd somehow be more worthy, lovable, or "OK." Note that
kids usually come from shame-based caregivers.
A third personality trait
that can shape the intensity of kids' envy is...
Because most stepfamilies
are founded on (a) years of pre-divorce relationship anxiety
and stress; (b) divorce "abandonments" by one or both
bioparents; and (c) alien, scary post-divorce circumstances
like stepfamily life;
average kids in divorcing families and stepfamilies have more
reasons to feel insecure and
overwhelmed
than peers in intact,
biofamilies.
By themselves, these three traits are neither good nor bad.
What the traits cause may or may not distress various
kids and adults in your stepfamily.
Three more premises about resolving your stepsib's excessive jealousy:
-
Parental favoritism is real.
Normal
bioparents and stepparents
develop mild or strong preferences for individual biokids and stepkids - and
other co-parents and relatives. Despite earnest attempts to deny or hide such
preferences, co-parents (like you?) "leak" them
in small verbal and non-verbal ways - e.g. eye contact or avoidance,
voice tone, smiles or frowns, touching (or not), reflexive endearments,...
Insecure kids and defensive
bioparents are specially alert and responsive to such clues. They promote ongoing clear and covert jealousies, until responsible
co-parents face them squarely. One of 60 common stepfamily
myths is "We all must love each other (equally,
like an ideal biofamily)." A far more viable goal is striving to earn mutual
respect, while acknowledging normal preferences!
-
Often (always?) the
"thing" that your (step)child consciously or verbally covets is not the real
prize. Your boy may say "I wish I had all the friends that (my nerdy
stepbrother) Frank does." What he really needs is help building
self respect, and social skills and confidence, but he can't say that
yet.
Even young adult kids often lack
the concepts, awareness, and precise vocabulary to express their real needs. So
if you co-parents try to fill jealous kids' surface complaints ("Let's ask
that nice boy down the block to come for lunch."), you risk
harvesting
frustration, discouragement, and stress over time. Those breed self doubt
and dwindling relationship resiliencies.
Look for the primary needs underneath the "envy"
(below).
-
To heal "excessive stepsibling
jealousy," it's vital
for you co-parents to separate it from
related stepfamily role and relationship problems.
For example: a father may criticize a jealous stepson ("Face it, Meg. Your
Jeremy's a selfish, anal-retentive wimp"). This will most likely polarize
Meg toward defending her son and her parenting. The co-parents can wind up arguing cyclically
over "the boy's jealousy."
They'll miss identifying (a) Jeremy's
primary
needs, and (b) resolving their adult problems
dominance,
unresolved
and
ineffective communication). In such scenarios,
co-parents can easily be drawn into stressful
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
These are sure sources of escalating stepfamily uproars. Stay tuned for better options!
Pause for a moment to digest these ideas.
Can you summarize the key points you
just read? What caused you to read this article? Are you getting any
of what you seek? Before proposing specific solutions to "excessive stepsib
jealousy," let's explore...
What's the
Surface Problem?
Details vary infinitely, but the surface symptoms of this blended-stepfamily
"jealousy problem" are pretty constant. See if you see elements of your situation here...
Prior biofamily
events cause
the " jealous" child to grow a mix of excessive
insecurity (anxiety), shame, and/or entitlement. These historical events can be
denied, justified, analyzed, debated,
regretted, and forgiven, but never changed. The traits can be modified, over
time;
The nuclear stepfamily's
co-parents unconsciously establish emotional "environments" in
their kids' several homes. These environments promote (a) envy (e.g. by adults often expressing biases and envy, or
acting jealous); or (b) equality, fairness, sharing, and gratitude for
existing possessions; then...
One or more kids verbally and/or
non-verbally express "significant" resentment about, and
longing for, "something" that one or more of their stepsiblings
"have." The "something" can be tangible ("why
can't I have a phone in my room too?") or invisible ("My stupid
brother likes Zack (my stepbrother) better than me! I hate 'em
both!"); and...
The envious child may or
may not (a) hint for, request, or demand co-parental validation, sympathy, and
support ("So Mom, tell my Zack how dumb he is!"); or (b) express their
jealousy in covert or overt ways, over time; and...
The envied child may or
may not notice this jealousy. If s/he
does, s/he may...
-
exploit it ("Eat your heart out, you
pathetic Megadork!") or...
-
feel guilty and anxious, and defend
themselves; or...
-
minimize or ignore it; or...
-
whine or
complain to a sibling or adult; or
-
confront the jealous sib and
try to resolve the problem.
One or more co-parents
can (a) notice these surface "envy problem"
symptoms them-selves, or (b) react dutifully because another family member hints, asks, or demands
that they do; or (c) the co-parent may trivialize or ignore
the child's envy and/or other family members' reactions.
The jealous child
may accept their
situation
and emotionally rebalance; or continue to feel
"upset;" while any "upset" co-parents
(a)
conclude that no change is possible, or (b) keep trying various solutions
over time - which probably promote escalating loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles;
while...
Their
three or more
biofamilies continue to
and other
role and relationship
conflicts ebb and flow. The co-parents may or may
not gain skill and effectiveness at resolving the dynamic mix of
stepfamily problems that keep evolving...
This complex household and
stepfamily sequence may take months or years to
play out. In it, different members experience different small to major
"problems." "Excessive stepsibling jealousy" is rarely the
only problem. If the co-parents are skilled at resolving family role and
relationship problems, the eventual outcome will be higher self esteems,
stronger household and stepfamily bonds, and a decline in daily tensions.
For perspective, many people (without credible research data) estimate that over half of typical U.S. stepfamilies separate or divorce, and
unknown millions of others endure major
daily stress because co-parents (a) are too wounded, and (b) can't
effectively.
In
summary, typical specific surface "jealousy" problems
include...
-
one child growing increasingly hostile and
bitter toward one or more stepsibs;
-
one or both of that child's bioparents
(or biosiblings) "siding with" them (or not) against the envied
stepchild,...
-
causing that child's parent/s to
become protective and polarize, withdraw, or attack; and...
-
some relatives may take sides,
covertly or
aggressively, and...
-
co-parents try their best to diffuse and
"fix" these interconnected problems, with some or no success,
over time.
If
so, everyone feels vaguely or increasingly dissatisfied, and their several
biofamilies continue merging and evolving toward unity and
bonding or disinterested or opposing camps.
Notice this "wide angle"
way of looking at the set of problems related to "excessive stepsibling
jealousy." Your focusing narrowly on "fixing the jealous
child" risks (a) the youngster feeling blamed, bad, and guilty; and
(b) you adults missing and not filling various members' primary needs.
This
article defines the surface problem as "excessive"
stepsibling jealousy. Each person in your home and stepfamily is the
Earth's
only expert on what "excessive" means. Implication: you co-parents may feel the stepsibling
envy is "tolerable," but your child may not. Whose opinion
comes first with you?
These are typical surface problems
(symptoms) centered on "excessive
stepsibling jealousy." What causes these symptoms, and what can you co-parents do about
resolving the causes?
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