The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/jealousy.htm
Continued from
page 1...
Identify and Resolve the
Primary Problems
Based on the premises above, your patient attention to the
factors below may effectively reduce "jealousy"-related tensions in and
between your co-parenting homes.
Primary Problem 1) One or more
of your co-parents and/or kids is significantly
- i.e. often ruled by a
If so, this will (a) distort family-member perceptions, (b) hinder or
block effective communication and problem-solving, and (c) contribute to the
"jealousy problem" in other subtle and overt ways.
Solution options: Read all
these Project-1 articles, and use the
related
worksheets to learn if any of you are significantly wounded. If so, take
responsibility for evolving and working at an effective recovery program.
Reducing false-self wounds and learning vital
knowledge will
help you resolve most (all?) other significant role and relationship
problems in and between your stepfamily homes, over time.
Problem 2)
You
co-parents aren't aware of, or aren't using, the seven
communication
that empower effective
If you can't (a) name each
skill, (b) describe how to "do" it, and (c) say when to
use it, you need to learn about the skills and probably these underlying
basics.
Solution options:
-
adopt
(a) the (open) mind of a student, and (b) a long-range outlook (e.g. the
next 25 years). Then...
-
study these Project-2 articles, in order. Compare what you find there to how you've been
trying to problem solve, as a person, and as co-parents. Then...
-
ask
your other co-parents to read relevant Project-2 articles, and discuss them together as
If you
adults aren't united in nurturing your family's youngsters, see
That's a
more important problem than excessive stepsib envy!
-
Help
each other use these seven powerful skills and key
attitudes
with each of your major stepfamily role and relationship problems. As you do,
cut yourselves some slack: you're upgrading (probably ineffective) communication habits
you've perfected for decades!
Primary Problem
3) One or more of you
co-parents has a significant preference for one or
more kids. This is causing other kids to feel second-best,
hurt, insecure, and resentful. The "spurned" child may be scared to
confront the biased adult, so s/he focuses resentments on the
favored child. This
problem compounds if your co-parent
or justifies their bias ["That's nuts,
Julie - I love you just as much!" (implication - "Julie, you're
judgment is faulty, so this is your problem, not mine")]. A worse
situation occurs when a
(wounded) co-parent in denial punishes the child for accusing her or him
of being "unfair."
To
avoid major
many stepfamily co-parents try to deny that
typical biomoms and biodads
do have stronger bonds with genetic kids than with their stepkids. This is common unless the
stepparent has been steadily in the stepchild's life since infancy. Typical bioparents
also have mild to major favorites among their biokids, while loving them all.
Solution options: you three or more co-parents discuss honestly whether one or more of you does have
a favorite child. If "no," beware
seek reality checks from other
objective people who know you all fairly well, and/or a qualified
family
If
you do find co-parental preferences, acknowledge that's normal,
not bad. Next, ask your minor and grown kids about perceived
co-parent bias - "Do you feel any of us adults has a
favorite?" Do this in the spirit of constructive
investigation and healing, not blame!
Ask
specifically if any child is receiving confusing
(words say "I love you all equally," and perceived
actions don't consistently demonstrate that). Insecure, guilty, confused, and
overwhelmed kids may not yet feel safe enough to tell
you their truth.
Tell your kids (if you haven't) that different
kids have different traits, some more appealing than others. Preferring
endearing traits is not "loving less"! Also, clearly debunk the
stepfamily myth that stepparents must
love
their stepkids as much as any biochildren.
Seek mutual
respect, not
love!
While you're at it, check to see if
all your adults and kids
(a) genuinely accept that you all comprise a
normal
vs. "just a regular (bio)family," and
(b) know what that
Resources: all
the articles in co-parent
and
Another
primary cause of your "excessive
stepsib jealousy" problem may be...
Problem 4)
The adult attitudes and behaviors in
one or both of your "jealous" child's homes over-emphasize "fairness"
(entitlement and competition), rather than empathy, mutual respect, and
willing compromise. Some call this a core
philosophy of lack (there's never enough to go around) vs. plenty.
People whose ancestors lived through the U.S. Depression and/or
childhood poverty and trauma, can be burdened with this "not enough" attitude without being aware of it.
If
your ruling subselves promote competitive attitudes in or between your stepfamily
homes, it's probably unconscious. It's also possible
that one or more co-parents grew up in homes where
parents felt "mine (or ours) is better than yours, so
I am (we are each) a better person than you." Racial,
cultural, religious, and/or gender
bigotry is a strong symptom of this
value. I believe
bigotry comes from
of false-self
+ misinformation.
Solution options: With your Self
your personality, assess whether any of your co-parents' actions
(vs. their words)...
-
equate personal worth with social status,
material possessions, "winning" competitions, and/or "being right";
-
promote general anxiety about scarcity
and lack;
-
promote divisive attitudes of entitlement:
"I deserve...", and/or "you owe me..."; and/or assess if one or more
co-parents is...
-
unconsciously modeling an attitude of
"It's OK and normal to feel better than other people, and to
criticize or shun people who disagree with that."
Because we're taught socially and religiously that "1-up" attitudes
like these are
normal responses are to
deny, minimize, or justify them. These are sure signs of false-self
which is the root
problem (problem #1 above). If you're brave enough to
check whether you're in toxic denial, hire a professional counselor to give
you objective feedback.
If
you feel one or more co-parents are promoting these divisive
attitudes, confront them respectfully, and ask (vs. demand) that they take
responsibility for changing - for all your sakes. If their response is
vague, defensive, hostile, or indifference, the person is probably unaware
of (a) being ruled by a false self, and (b) effective communication
basics and skills. Follow the
links to explore your options.
Even
if you feel you co-parents aren't promoting a competitive family
environment, ask each of your other co-parents their opinion,
starting with your partner. As you do, remind everyone that
this
research is not about blaming any of you. It's about
uncovering and healing, for your and your kids' sakes!
Help each
other stay alert for one or more significant
and
associated
A values conflict might sound like "I
really disagree with
your attitude that having money, material things, or a fancy job title makes
you a better person than others who lack those."
|
Keep your perspective:
surface and
primary stepfamily problems usually come in clusters. That
requires shared
and helping each other to stay focused on reducing one or a few
problems at a time! |
Another possible primary root of "excessive stepsibling jealousy" may be...
Problem 5) One
or more of your co-parents is unclear on (a) what one or more dependent
children need, and/or
(b) your
as a co-parent; and/or
(c) how to provide effective child
discipline. That leads to more aggressive kids "getting their
way," and a timid child envying their bravado and/or
their success at manipulating you adults.
Such timid (insecure) kids may
judge
themselves as inferior, rather than feeling a co-parent prefers a stepsib over
them. If an insecure, confused, or overwhelmed child feels that complaining to you adults
isn't safe ("You're not fair! You ground me, but you never ground Roberta!"),
s/he may focus their hurt, frustration, and resentment on an aggressive stepsibling. If
a child feel unsafe in her or his home or family, you have a
significant co-parenting problem. "Excessive jealousy" is a symptom.
Solution options: co-parenting role
confusion, ambivalence, and conflicts are common and normal in new
stepfamilies. An effective way to replace that with
caregiving clarity and
is for all
of you co-parents agreeing to
commit to helping each other progress with...
(a) evolve a meaningful stepfamily
mission
statement, (b) assess what each of your minor kids
need now, and then (c) use
those to evolve coordinated co-parenting
Then
work at...
identify and work cooperatively to reduce any significant
to effective co-parenting teamwork. Part of this vital work is you co-parents learning
20
uniquenesses about providing
effective
child discipline in typical multi-home nuclear stepfamilies like yours.
Another primary problem promoting your "jealousy" problem is...
Problem 6) Your "jealous"
child is significantly wounded - i.e.
and/or
Common (irrational) fears are (a) being emotionally abandoned by a
bioparent, and (b) being shunned or spurned (rejected) by respected or
"successful" siblings or others.
Such
normal insecurities can be powerfully amplified if the child has concluded from life
experiences to date that they're intrinsically worthless and unlovable. If
so, well-intentioned adult logic and verbal reassurances will have little
lasting effect and may increase the child's shame and anxiety.
Solution options: Converting a
wounded
child's insecurity and shame to confidence and appropriate pride are complex
- and do-able. A paragraph can't do justice to those vital co-parenting
projects. Space limits here force me to focus only on suggesting that you
(a) your nuclear-stepfamily's
and (b) your co-parents and each "excessively jealous" child for
significant false-self
dominance. Choose to make personal and family healing and learning a high
shared, long-term priority. There are many effective
resources to help you
do this now.
Again - focusing on a "problem child" alone without looking at their
home and family dynamics risks leaving the
untouched. These are
usually wounds, ignorances, and conflicts in and between the child's adult caregivers. The most likely causes for a child's insecurity and shame
are their main caregivers being
and
If
you co-parents have the courage to patiently try these six sets of
solution-options, note whether the
"jealous" behaviors (and other problems) wane over time.
If
you all are a new stepfamily (i.e. within ~ three years of
cohabiting), it may be
that the "envy" is a temporary symptom of normal stepsibling testing
to see
what the rules and
consequences are in each of their homes, and what everyone's stepfamily
are.
This urge springs from
a primal need to learn if they're really safe
from major
in this strange new stepfamily
environment.
Another possibility here is that your "envious" child is blocked in
important earlier
from family breakup and parental re/marriage.
Their "envious resentment" may really be a symptom of being stuck in
the anger phase of grief. See
for perspective, assessment
tools, suggestions on healing, and
resources.
If
there's major tension between any of your kids' co-parents, it may be
that a hostile (wounded, unaware) adult in the girl's or boy's "other home" is un/intentionally
rewarding them for, or coaching them to feel, jealous. Be cautious about concluding this without clear objective evidence. If such antagonistic
coaching is part of the root problem, focus on confirming and resolving
it, not on curing the symptom ("excessive jealousy.")
Status Check
Before we end, back away from these details, and honestly assess where you
stand with what you just read: A = "I agree," D = "I
disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends (on what?)."
-
My true Self is
my personality now. (A D ?) If not, your responses
here may be unintentionally
-
I fully accept (a) our
as a normal
stepfamily and (b) what that identity
to all of us short and long-term. (A D ?)
-
(a) I'm clear on the difference between
surface and primary
and problems now, and (b) I'm
confident in my current ability to
these in most family role and relationship problems. (A D ?)
-
I can describe out loud what specific needs
I wanted to satisfy by reading this article. (A D ?)
-
I feel our stepfamily currently has a
significant problem with one or more stepsiblings feeling
(A D ?)
-
I can clearly describe (a) each of the six
primary problems outlined in this article, and (b) the proposed solution
options, to another person. (A D ?)
-
I'm comfortable enough (a) asking my partner
and our other co-parents to discuss this article, and (b) to try these
solution-options together; or (c) I know why I'm not comfortable,
and (d) I genuinely accept my responsibility for raising my comfort.
(A D ?)
