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This is one of a series of Web articles
focusing on solving
common
between stepfamily siblings. Read the three
basic suggestions that begin this sub-series for initial perspective. Many ideas here apply equally to divorced or widowed parents and their minor and grown kids.
Read this for perspective on this
nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it.
The
ideas offered aim to augment, not replace, appropriate professional
The "/" in re/marriage notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
One of the ~ 60
differences between intact, high-nurturance
biofamilies and average stepfamilies is that the "incest
taboo" can be significantly weaker in the latter. This means that
there is
a higher chance for sexual attraction and action between steprelatives
than there is between blood relatives. One aspect of this is that the
odds of sexual tension or behavior between
cohabiting or visiting stepsiblings is significantly higher than between typical genetic
sisters and brothers.
This
article...
-
offers some
perspective on this, and...
-
hilights typical
surface and primary "stepsibling sexuality" problems, and...
-
explores three foundation (long-term)
questions which will shape how you co-parents choose to guide and
limit sexual behaviors between stepbrothers and stepsisters, and...
-
offers short-term suggestions if you have a
"stepsibling sexual crisis" now!
Note
the companion Solutions articles on resolving sexual problems between
mates, ex
mates, and stepparents and stepkids. Also
scan these questions and answers.
Agree on Some Key Concepts...
In consulting
professionally with over 1,000 typical stepfamily co-parents since 1981, I've heard fewer
than 10 people describe sexual behavior between stepsiblings as a problem. This
may indicate that sexual behavior between stepsiblings is rare (at
least in northern Illinois), or that typical co-parents don't want to admit
or discuss it. Also, in the hundreds of lay and clinical stepfamily
books and articles I've studied since 1979, stepsibling "incest" has
rarely been acknowledged or discussed.
What human urges can you think of that are stronger and more
persistent than the periodic need to enjoy and release "sexual tension"? How
old were you when your marvelous mind/body first gave you the rush of sexual
excitement? How old were you when you first experienced orgasm?
What do you remember about your thoughts and feelings then? Who
knew? Do
you know anyone who's acknowledged sexual feelings or fantasies about their
biological brother or sister? If you have a sibling - have you ever felt
"sexual" toward or with them? What does "sexual" mean (here),
and what are "appropriate sexual feelings?"
To
lay a foundation for the solution-options below, let's briefly explore...
-
the difference between sexuality and sensuality;
-
the difference between immoral
and unhealthy sexual behavior;
-
how stepsibling sexuality may affect a
typical
and...
-
who's to judge what "appropriate"
stepsibling sexual behavior is - and with what
criteria?
Sensuality vs. Sexuality
Which of your amazing sensory abilities to see, touch, smell, hear, and
taste are the most sensitive? What sensations in these five domains
give you the most pleasure? One definition of "sensuality" would
include "a physical/emotional response to any of the five senses."
Our culture generally
refines "sensual" to mean and sensory stimulation that creates
- or springs from - erotic or sexual
thoughts, fantasies, and feelings. Smelling fresh-brewed coffee or
listening to Brahms or the Beatles may or may not be "sensual" - your choice.
The
point here is: do you co-parents have a clear and agreed-on way of
determining what healthy sensuality is, and where it becomes
"inappropriate" sexuality? Is a 15 year-old boy's
giving a backrub to his (willing) 12 year-old stepsister sexual? In
her bathing suit? Does it become sexual if it's in her bedroom with
the door closed? There are at least four judges: each child, and you two
co-parenting partners. The kids' other co-parents will probably have opinions
too.
Unhealthy vs. Immoral
Sexual Behavior
Let's define healthy as "anything that promotes normal human
functioning, healing, and growth."
Can
you describe some key criteria that separate "healthy" sexual
behavior from "unhealthy"? Try answering that using wholistic (physical
+ emotional + spiritual + mental) health as the criteria.
Relative to your
I propose that "healthy" means "anything that promotes
(a) the
wholistic health of all family members, and (b) the
growth and
of the
whole stepfamily." Do
you feel that some families are wholistically healthier than others?
Why?
Let's
define morality as "a
thoughtful group of rules (rights and wrongs, shoulds and shouldn'ts, goods and
bads) that govern normal and special human behavior in a social context." Social
(or family) chaos results without an effective commonly-accepted code of
morality in place. In most cultures, the dominant religion/s and Holy Books
provide guides for morality, which every person and family tailors to fit their
personalities and circumstances.
Sexual
morality is one of the kaleidoscope of
that adults and kids in
new stepfamilies must
over time. At any time, each of your stepfamily members has a
set of beliefs about whether some "sexual thoughts or acts," including
fantasizing and masturbating, are (a) moral or not, and (b) healthy or not. "Religious" families are
often taught prescribed attitudes about sensual and sexual behavior, from intercourse to
other "acts."
If
the 15-year-old's bio-relatives routinely hug, kiss,
caress, punch, pat, and stroke each other - and his stepsister's family is
"stiff" and "reserved" about even married spouses touching
publicly, who's
values will their (or your) combined stepfamily adopt?
Question: If two willing teenage stepsiblings choose to caress, and fondle,
and kiss with or without
reaching orgasm - is that unhealthy (a) personally and/or (b)
for their stepfamily? Is it immoral? According to whom? The Devil's advocate asks: why should their learning to
experience and enjoy sexual pleasure together be any less healthy than any two teens who have no
common genes? Should they refrain from acting on their curiosity and/or attraction because it makes one or more
family adults "uncomfortable"? Whose needs are more important?
All stepfamilies struggle with a mix of complex
and
conflicts, and divisive relationship
triggered by trying to merge and stabilize their complex biofamily codes of
moral attitudes and behaviors. These stressors are apt to be
specially intense over sensual/sexual values and behaviors.
Are your three or more co-parents clear and harmonious on (a)
and (b) sexual morality vs. health? If not, reaching a stable
adult consensus on them and (b) an effective way of resolving related
conflicts and triangles are higher-ranking long-term problems than
"stepsibling sexuality!"
What's "Incest" in
a Stepfamily?
Question: If consenting teenage stepsiblings "make out," and one or both reach
sexual climax - with or without intercourse, is that incest? The question is important because
most
of us are trained by instinct, social tradition, and law, to regard incest
as immoral, illegal, and unhealthy - at least
emotionally and religiously. My experience is, when it comes to stepfamilies, most lay and
professional people are unclear on, and/or disagree about what constitutes "incest."
What we all can agree on is that that like abuse and rape,
this term evokes intense judgment, defen-siveness, anxiety, guilt and shame.
Lay and professional adults risk amplifying personal and relation-ship
problems if they use "incest" inappropriately.
The taboo across
millennia and cultures that
forbids incest - copulation between parents and their children, blood siblings, or genetic first
cousins - comes from observing that resulting babies tend
toward mental and physical disorders. That stresses the child, the
parents, their family, and their society; and "weakens the human gene pool."
Since stepsiblings don't share common parents and genes, there
is no genetic danger from inter-course between them. Therefore,
even if our
lusty teen stepsibling couple and climax, they are not in-cestuous.
Therefore, their sexual behavior is not immoral (inherently wrong). I'm not saying you
should agree with this, I present it so you can get clear on what you
believe.
What Is Sexual Abuse?
The
picture changes if one of the stepsiblings does not consent to
sexual behavior, specially to violation of personal boundaries, or intercourse. That raises another vital question
for responsible co-parents: what is sexual abuse (vs. sexual aggression?) Again, the
semantic
difference is important, for typical co-parents (and authorities) are more apt
to stay calm, rational, and co-operative if a child is aggressive than abusive.
Language counts! Do you agree?
I
believe that three conditions must be met for behavior to qualify as true
interpersonal "abuse:"
-
someone who
provides something essential for (has "power over") another person satisfies
their own needs with ("uses") the dependent person...
-
... in a way that significantly hurts
the used person physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or
spiritually, and...
- ... the injured person can neither
adequately defend themselves nor escape.
Using this framework, sexual abuse is any sexually-gratifying
behavior by a power-person that significantly injures an unwilling,
defenseless partner. Implication: If two consenting people have
intercourse and conceive an unwanted child, is that a form of sexual
child abuse? I think so.
So
if an aroused or curious teen girl manually or orally stimulates her
four-year-old stepbrother's genitals, or makes him "play with himself" in front of
her, or forces him to "play with" her genitals or breasts, is that
sexual abuse, or aggression? Is it immoral? Is it unhealthy? Should
co-parents act to stop it? Why / not?
What
if one co-parent says "Duh. Of course!" and another says
"Oh come on - that's just normal sex play. If he didn't do it
with her, he would with a playmate." There are at least six primary
judges here: each
child, and each pair of bioparents. Most co-grandparents and relatives will
have strong opinions too.
|
This site proposes that (a) most (all?) divorced-family and
stepfamily role and relationship
problems are surface symptoms of deeper primary
problems; and (b) if co-parents focus only on reducing the
symptoms, they'll keep coming back. Let's apply that idea to
your "stepsibling sexuality problem/s: |
Typical Surface and Primary Problems
See if one or
more of these symptoms fit your situation:
-
a child complains that one or
more stepsiblings often upset them with behavior that co-parents
label as "sexual." This is a
family problem, not "bad behavior" in the "problem
child/ren."
-
two teen or adult stepsibs are
romantically and/or sexually attracted to each other, and one or
more co-parents (or relatives) feels (a) this is immoral (wrong), and
that (b) "someone" ought to "stop this." This usually means that the
upset adult/s (a) are
and have their own sexuality issues, and/or (b) don't fully accept their
stepfamily
and/or what it
and are mistakenly assuming that biosibling sexual norms and
taboos should apply to the stepsiblings.
-
one
or more family adults is upset because one or more stepsiblings are
behaving in a "sexual" way
the adult/s feel is inappropriate or harmful to someone. The adult/s are
confused about or unaware of (a) what the primary problem/s are,
and (b) who is responsible for solving them. This is an adult problem,
not a stepsibling "sexual problem;"
-
Two or more
co-parents disagree over setting limits and/or enforcing consequences
relating to the sexual behavior of someone's minor child/ren. This is an
adult values and/or loyalty conflict, not a problems with
someone's child - unless the child consistently disregards the
consequences. This is an adult
child discipline problem,
not a "sexual" one.
-
co-parents
can't discuss the sexual attitudes, knowledge, or behavior of one or
more stepsibs without arguing and/or withdrawing.
The primary problem here is
co-parents' inability to do effective
win-win
together, not kids' sexual attitudes or behaviors;
-
adults and kids are tangled in
antagonistic (us vs. them, right/wrong) camps because of disputes
over the sexual attitudes or behaviors of one or more stepsiblings. A
fundamental problem here is the co-parents not knowing how to identify
and/or team up on resolving sets of
and
conflicts, and associated relationship
This is compounded if one or more adults (a) have significant false-self
(b) have unrealistic (biofamily)
expectations and/or (c) don't know how to
effectively.
Notice the themes of these examples:
the surface problem has to do with the sexual attitudes or behavior of one
or more stepsiblings. The primary (underlying) problems have to do
with one or more co-parents. The one exception is if one or more
stepsiblings are significantly wounded - and even then, it is the
co-parents' responsibility to asses that and take appropriate actions.
Restated: if you co-parents focus on trying to discipline or change a
"problem child" without honestly assessing how your behaviors and
attitudes are contributing to the "sexual problem," you risk (a) the surface
problem remaining or escalating, adding new problems, and (c)
lowering your stepfamily's
over time.
This
poses key questions for your
co-parents:
What are our primary problems here (above), and who "owns it"
each of them?
Specifically
(a) what do we think our minor kids need to learn about healthy
sensuality and sexuality, (b) when are they
ready
to learn, and (c) how can we best teach them?
How, if at all, do our answers to these
three questions differ from those by caregivers in average intact
biofamilies? And...
When two or more of us co-parents disagree
significantly on answering these questions, how do we really
resolve (or accept) our differences, without splitting our re/marriages
and our stepfamily into antagonistic "us vs. them" camps?
Have
your stepfamily adults reached clear agreement on the last three questions? If not, what's in the way? Because sex is such
a volatile and provocative topic, the odds of significant conflicts are high.
If
you're reading this article because you have a current "sexual
problem" with two or more stepsiblings, I encourage you to widen your vision.
Patiently getting clear and solid on some basic principles before
"running off in all directions" will steeply raise your odds of
successful local and
future problem resolutions - and preventions! Towards strengthening your awareness and "basic principles," the
rest of this article explores each of these three complex questions, and
offers some options for your co-parents.
Three Steps Toward a Strong Foundation...
What
follows is an attempt to transcend all cultural, religious, social,
and personal values-differences about "healthy child sex education,"
and distill some keys to empower you adults' to clarify what you're trying to
do for yourselves and your stepsiblings. These ideas are offered as thought and
discussion starters, not absolute truths...
1) What's Healthy
Sex Education?
Each
of your co-parent's answers will depend on some basic beliefs and values. Do
you know what yours are? Here, A= "I agree," D= "I disagree,"
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)".
Premise 1 - We
humans are gifted with five or six senses, hormones, and a primal cyclic instinct to
feel sexually aroused via these senses, copulate, and conceive babies.
Kids
need empathic, informed adult guidance to learn to appreciate and manage this
instinct wisely and respectfully, or they're at high risk of misusing it and
hurting themselves, other living and unborn persons, and society. (A
D ?)
Premise 2 -
Each
child's primary adult caregivers - vs. teachers, babysitters, or the media -
share
primary long-term responsibility for developing the child's healthy sexual
awareness, values, and behaviors. In a stepfamily, that means that each adult
whose actions significantly affect any minor child (in someone's
opinion) bears some
responsibility for guiding the youngster toward sexually safe, healthy, and responsible
decisions. (A D ?)
Premise 3 -
all stepfamily bioparents and
stepparents share primary responsibility for helping minor kids to learn
clear, practical answers to questions like these...
-
What are human
sensuality and sexuality,
and when does sensuality become "sexual"?
-
What is wholistically-healthy sensuality and
sexuality?
-
Are sensual
(a) thoughts,
(b) fantasies and dreams, (c) self-arousal, (d) mutual
stimulation manually, orally,
"mechanically," (with objects), anally, and
via penis, good (right) or bad (wrong)? If there are
"it depends on..." factors for any of these - what are they?
(e.g. "oral sensuality is 'OK' if ____________")
-
Is someone who makes unhealthy or harmful
sexual decisions a "bad person"?
-
(a) How does human
conception work,
and (b) how, specifically, can sexual partners avoid it when they
wish to? (c) Is such avoidance good (right) or bad
(wrong), or does it "depend on (something)"? (d) According to whom?
(e) Why?
-
(a) Is
there a best
way for a young person to learn about their sexual mind/body,
(b) who should teach them, and (c) when should they learn?
-
(a) When are two adults clearly
ready - emotionally, financially, and socially - to conceive a
child? (Get more specific than "when they're old enough.")
(b) What main things will probably happen (physically, emotionally,
legally, spiritually, financially, and socially) if sexual partners have a
child before both of them are really ready?
-
(a) What is
abortion, and
how, where, when, and why do people "do it"? (b) What are the
key long term emotional, physical,
(vs. religious), financial, social,
and legal implications of it? (c) Who's needs are most
important in making a "healthy abortion decision"? (d) Why? (e) Who
decides?
-
(a) What is
pornography,
and (b) why do some people think it's sometimes or always bad, while others don't?
-
Specifically and factually, what are:
-
puberty
-
prostitution
-
frigidity
-
homosexuality
-
masturbation
-
|
-
incest
-
sexual abuse
-
sexual
addiction
-
asexuality
-
orgasm
-
|
|
Where should
typical minor kids learn the answers - and when?
-
Why do some people
think some of these are bad (wrong), while other's aren't sure, or don't
think so?
-
(a) How does someone (like me, the child) tell if they're gay or lesbian
or bisexual? (b) Are homosexual people bad? Evil? Sinners?
(c)
Do they go to Hell? (d) Can you "catch" homosexuality? (e) Is it learned,
genetically-based, or both? Who says so?
-
(a)
What do our stepfamily's
religions (if any) teach about each of these questions?
(b) Why? (c) What if (a child) doesn't agree with some or all of these
teachings and values? (d) If two people don't agree on the answer to this
question, who's "right"? Why?
-
(a) Why is discussing normal questions like these
so scary for some people? (b) How can their (inherited) shame, guilt,
anxiety, and ignorance affect their kids?
- Add your own sex-education topics...
These questions illustrate the kind of information your custodial and visiting minor
kids need your stepfamily adults to teach them. Your kids also (silently) depend on
you to monitor, explain, and perhaps edit what they're learning about sex at
school, church, "on the street" - and certainly edit what
they learn from our sex-crazed media!
Two
more thought -provokers about healthy sex education for your stepsiblings...
Premise 4)
Minor kids in divorcing families and
stepfamilies are most apt to get clear, factual, unbiased answers to
questions like these when each of their co-parents and other
influential family supporters is...
_ comfortable with their own sensuality and sexuality, and...
_ thoughtful and knowledgeable about these subjects, and is...
_ being consistently guided by their
and...
_ accepts their shared responsibility for effective sexual education, and...
_ knows and uses the tools below.
If you disagree with any of these, what do you
believe? What do your co-parenting partners each believe? Can you all talk
comfortably about these topics?
Premise 5) Your
kids values, perceptions and attitudes about their sensuality and sexuality will
be significantly affected by
you educate them (or don't),
as well as your verbal teaching. An eye-roll, sneer, sarcasm, angry tone,
giggle, vagueness, or nervousness teaches your child just as much as a
lecture about masturbation mechanics. So do double messages ( "Do what I
say, not what I do"). Unconscious attitudes are infectious, and most of us have
powerful subliminal attitudes about sexual topics! (A D
?)
Sexually-healthy and informed co-parents are best qualified to
provide sexual guidance to their minor kids. So a key to helping your
stepsiblings here is for you co-parents and key supporters to assess and discuss your own sexual
beliefs, values, preferences,
and knowledge! (A D ?)
Our current social
morality about sex is probably quite different in some ways than when you
were a child. Are you adults unconsciously passing on your own
parents' attitudes and biases about male and female sensuality and
sexuality?
Restating part of this premise: when each co-parent in your two-or three
home nuclear family has clear, stable answers to each of the questions above,
you all may be ready to provide effective sex education and set
healthy limits and consequences for your stepsiblings.
Stretch,
breathe, and when you're ready, read
why "may be" isn't "will be"...
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