Continued...
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/custody.htm.htm
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Now - let's use the premises above to define...
What Is Effective Child Custody?
As the U.S. Constitution defines core principles that guide (vs. define) the
laws of our society, I propose that
there are guidelines which apply to
all custody situations - including yours. What follows is based
on my 40 years' study of human growth and behavior, and
29 years' study
of divorcing families and stepfamilies. Again - you may or may
not agree with these ideas, but your descendents depend on you to
have some clear ideas on "effective custody"...
In what follows, custody arrangement means...
-
all written and verbal,
legal and informal custody rules and responsibilities that all involved
adults agree to, and...
-
what you co-parents and children actually
do.
Your actions will match your agreements
if the arrangement was well
deliberated, respectfully negotiated, and all kids' and adults'
are acknowledged and validated enough.
Premise: the main goals of an
effective
child-custody arrangement are to:
raise or maintain the
in and between
kids' co-parenting homes, and...
raise or maintain the
of (a) all minor kids living in both
co-parental homes, and (b) each
of the
active bioparents and
stepparents, while...
strengthening, vs. stressing, the health, safety, and stability of
local society, and conserving it's resources.
How does this compare with your definition of
key child-custody goals? In my experience, most people, including family-law
professionals, focus mainly on the child's welfare. Typical deliberations
and court orders fail to give equal weight to the primary needs of everyone
who lives in the child/ren's two homes.
How can divorcing co-parents and any new partners reach these three goals
together if you (a) don't
trust, respect, or like
each other, and (b) have trouble communicating
After
29 years'
professional study of family dynamics, I believe - you can't,
unless "somehow," you co-parents become self-motivated (vs.
court-ordered) to...
-
become aware of what
you and
each child needs, over
time, so you each want to...
-
heal your
and learn
while you adults...
-
identify and get the
you need, in order to...
-
help each other
many competing
needs, responsibilities, and goals every day.
|
Implication: unless all your caregivers want to (a) accept specific
for the minor kids in your care,
and to (b) give high priority to the four things above
as a
each dependent child (not
just those in your custody dispute) are at major risk of false-self wounding
and a life of frequent unhappiness or
and unrealized
potentials. |
Another implication: as long as you co-parents and attorneys stay narrowly
focused on trying to win child-custody disputes rather than on
improving your
nurturance level -
you'll probably escalate your conflicts. This is like fighting
bitterly over roof repairs while termites are destroying your home's
foundation.
Bottom line: your child-custody arrangement
will be effective
long-term
if all your
co-parents...
-
your
true Selves to
your
personalities (Project
and you all...
-
accept your
stepfamily
and what it
(do Projects
and
and you all...
-
learn how to
effectively
conflicting adult
and
(Project
and...
-
you all
want to give high priority to overcoming any
to forming an
effective nurturing
(Project
and...
-
you all focus on raising
your stepfamily's
long term, not
on
winning and/or on one or more children.
Pause, breathe, and notice your reaction to this summary. Notice the absence
of "hire a stepfamily-unaware attorney to force your needs and values
on the other co-parent/s."
For more clarity, let's explore several of these factors: co-parent
motivations, and what each adult and child probably needs...
What
Motivates You Now?
A healthy parent's instinctive love for
their biological child manifests as short-term
nurturance and protection from any perceived local dangers, and long-term
desire to guide the child toward healthy adult independence.
Some wounded bioparents who
low-nurturance childhoods may be unable to
with and
nurture their offspring. Others gain self-awareness, and vow to avoid
their inherited
false-self
wounds to their descendents.
Typical stepparents don't feel the same intense
love for
stepkids that bioparents do, unless the child is very young, very compatible, or
very familiar. Unless stepparents are wounded, distracted, or disrespec-ted
too often, most (a)
genuinely do want to guide and protect dependent stepkids, and (b) are less
willing to sacrifice their own needs and welfare to do so than a bioparent.
This is specially true if the stepmom or dad feels too unappreciated for
their caregiving efforts.
Co-parents like you may have un/conscious needs
and priorities that can hinder nurturing your dependent
kids. Can you name your current primary (vs. surface) needs, and how you
Common
competing needs are for...
-
local and long-term
acceptance + security
+ peace +
health + hope;
-
enough
self-respect, and respect from key other
people, specially a mate;
-
enough social and
spiritual
-
evolving
a meaningful life
purpose, and acquiring the resources to pursue it; and...
-
to feel and exchange
and mutual love.
Can you think of other needs
that interfere with co-parents' wanting to care for their kids? Review these
for more perspective. What does all this mean, if you're in a custody battle
now?
| A requisite for
effective child-custody
arrangements is each of your active co-parents intentionally reducing any
to nurturing each resident
and visiting child within your limits. Your true Selves know how to do
this, if they're
to lead! |
What Do
Your Kids Need?
If you were
a minor child of divorced parents, what would you
need from the adults in your two homes to help you grow toward healthy
independence? Have you ever asked your kids what they need - and listened?
If your kids had the knowledge and vocabulary, they might say things like...
"I need...
all of you grownups to
(a) agree on what a high-nurturance family is, and to
(b) want to provide one for all of us, so I can learn how to evolve and
manage my own family
when I'm grown. Then I need...
you all to care enough about me and yourselves to
learn how to
together as teammates, instead of blaming, fighting,
explaining, or running
away all the time. And I need...
you each to want to
take responsibility for
and filling your own needs, and to help each other do that
as
-
because then you're the most fun to be around, and you really listen to
me and each other. This includes each of you learning to stop feeling so
about yourself." And
I need...
you adults to agree on what you're trying to
long range, as the leaders of my family. Then I need you
all to work
out a shared
to get us all
there. And I also need...
each of you co-parents
to respect and
to me because
you see me as a worthy person, not because someone makes you;"
and I need...
each of you adults to acknowledge
and live by our equal rights as dignified
persons. And I also need...
you each to (a)
want to learn
and care about my growing-up and
family-adjustment needs, and
then to (b) help me fill them without sacrificing your own needs and resenting
me or each other;" and I also need...
you adults to help me
feel safe in both my homes, and give me reason to believe that
our new stepfamily won't fall apart like my other ones did;" and also...
|
please
don't use lawyers to solve our
problems, because they only make things worse for all of us!" And I
also need... |
all of you grownups to
to
my many
and to
mourn your own losses well.
And
I also need you all to...
set clear rules in both my homes, and talk together so they're
not too different and confusing for me. Then I need you to
enforce the rules
fairly, promptly, and respectfully. Then I know that the rules mean
something, and that I can depend on you all to be in charge. And
finally, I need
you each to...
read
these memos from and about me, and talk
about them together, OK?"
Please remember -
I can't do any of these things myself. I really
depend on each one of you grownups to help me. Will you stop fighting over
the
wrong things,
and help me fill my needs
and yours?"
Imagine what you'd feel if each child in your care looked into your eyes and
said something like this to each of your co-parents. Recall your own childhood years.
Do you feel any of these needs are trivial and/or unrealistic?
For the full range of typical
minor kids' needs, see
this and this.
|
An effective child-custody arrangement helps fill the key
primary needs of each
person living in a child's two homes.
If these are typical core needs of each minor child in your related homes,
what do each of you co-parents need - starting with you?"
|
What Do You Co-parents
Need?
Premise: each of your caregivers are trying to fill some universal needs as you
negotiate child custody and related arrangements. See if you agree with these:
Each of us
co-parents (bioparents and stepparents) needs to...
feel included + listened to + respected by
every other person (including relatives and professionals)
involved in our custody negotiations. That implies we each need
to feel like we're part of a
vs. a group
of antagonists. And each of us adults needs to...
feel
that our partner (if any) is (a) being treated respectfully by kids and
other co-parents and professionals involved, like clinicians, mediators,
lawyers, and judges; and (b) is acting
respectably enough in our negotiation. And we each need to...
trust and respect ourselves
and each other in this negotiation. And we
also need to...
feel
that each co-parent and any supporters have a clear, accurate view of the
regular and
family-adjustment
needs of each child
affected by our custody arrangement. And we co-parents each need
to...
feel
clear on the
we each
have in forging our
custody agreement - i.e. we each need to
know and
accept who's going to do what for each child; and we also each need
to...
clearly understand the emotional and
financial impacts this
custody decision will have on each of our lives; and each of us co-parents
(and kids) needs to...
any
significant
(broken bonds) that the custody decision
causes us. And we also each need to...
feel
that each minor child in both homes affected by this custody
decision will be safe and well-nurtured enough after the decision is
implemented. And each of us co-parents needs...
enough time to sort
out and evaluate all these complex factors before
making a final custody decision. And each of us bioparents and stepparents needs to...
feel
that there is effective psychological and legal help available if we
have trouble agreeing on a physical and legal custody arrangement. And
finally, we each need to...
have confidence in our collective ability to
the major
family
financial and logistic
disagreements that
will occur during and
after our custody-decision process. And finally, we each need to...
keep
our lives
enough as we
negotiate and
implement this impactful custody decision.
Add any other co-parent needs you wish...
Perspective: adult custody-related needs like these combine with (a)
and (b) needs to
progress on concurrent stepfamily-merger
tasks. If this looks like a steep challenge for most co-parents - it
is!
Notice what you're thinking and
feeling now. What stands out for you in this proposed set of common co-parental needs? What I notice is that
for each
of you caregivers to get your primary needs met, you must want
to...
-
see yourselves as members of a
nuclear
(step)family. If you don't,
odds are high that someone will feel excluded and resentful;
-
feel like a (potential)
co-parenting
with shared
and...
-
be able to
communicate
and problem-solve
together.
These three Web pages (a) propose three core
goals
of an effective long-term child-custody arrangement, and
(b) sketch common primary needs of each child and co-parent involved in making and
implementing this arrangement. Have you looked at making child-custody
decisions this (structured) way before?
Three Common Cases
Before summarizing your options, lets briefly explore three typical causes of
custody disputes: (a) a child demands to live with their other parent,
and/or (b) a resident stepparent demands and/or (c) a mental-health
professional recommends a custody change.
1) A
Child Demands to Change Homes
Sometimes custody disputes erupt because a strong-willed (needy) child persistently
demands to live with their non-custodial parent. With few exceptions, this
clearly signals
co-parents +
communication +
(often) adult ignorance of (a) what their
kids
need and (b) how to fill those needs
in a
complex multi-home divorcing family or stepfamily.
There is a rich array of possible surface problems
here:
-
"bad chemistry" between a stepchild and resident stepparent and/or
stepsibling/s;
-
the child feels too abandoned, scorned, unwanted, scared of, or neglected by the custodial
co-parent;
-
excessive fighting between custodial adults, specially if a common
(surface) focus is this child's "bad" personality and/or behavior;
-
ineffective
child
discipline (e.g. over-harsh, unfair, or inconsistent rules or consequences);
-
healthy testing to see who's
of the home and/or nuclear (step)family;
-
allying with or feeling responsible for the other bioparent, who
(a) isn't psychologically divorced (hasn't
(b) hasn't
accepted their stepfamily
and/or its
and/or
(c) hasn't forgiven prior
marital injuries yet. And an aggressive (needy) child may...
-
want key benefits of living in the other home - e.g. returning to a
favorite school and/or valued peers; more freedom and power, or being able to
have friends or do some activity
that the custodial co-parent/s don't allow; and/or...
-
the child wants to experience a closer connection with their
non-custodial parent and/or sibling/s living in the other home;
and/or...
-
there is strong pressure from an opinionated relative or
professional consultant to change custodial homes for various reasons.
Adults giving too much priority to a child's demands to change homes usually
means (a) the co-parents are wounded,
and not really
of their home;
(b) the divorced parents have made too little progress reducing major
and/or (c)
custodial mates need to
serious family
problems like addiction, sexual dissatisfaction, illness, insolvency, and/or
Children are too inexperienced, subjective, and self-centered
to assess what custody arrangement is best for the family (vs. the child),
long term. Co-parents battling over
custody to appease a wounded, needy,
aggressive child
surely have major unfilled
See this
article for more
perspective and options.
Continue
with two more types of custody dispute, and options
for reducing or resolving your custody conflicts.
