The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/holidays.htm
Continued from page 2...
More Options to Improve
Your Celebrations
See which of these choices would help your unique stepfamily have more
satisfying celebrations. Note your option of passively experiencing a
family celebration, or using your celebration to progress on some
important long-term goals...
Do Self-checks:
practice getting undistracted and sensing "Who's leading my
(personal-ity) now - my
Self (capital "S") or
someone else?" If "someone else," try to identify which
other subselves are active, and what they feel
and need. Focus on filling these current needs one at a time, so they can
relax and trust your Self to guide, inspire, and protect them. A
helpful resource for doing this is a
Personal Bill of Rights.
Encourage
your family adults to stay aware of these
traits of a high-nurturance family (of any kind). Do they
describe your stepfamily (yet)? Would your adults be open to discussing
how you all could raise your stepfamily's nurturance level? Would they
see value in discussing a stepfamily
at your next
celebration? Who would support that idea? Who wouldn't? Why?
Reduce guilts to normal: A common
uninvited
party guest is excessive (vs. normal)
It's
a normal response to believing "I've broken an important rule - a 'should,' 'ought to,' or
'must." Option: help each other learn how to avoid or spot and
reduce excessive guilt
with other family members, including kids and ex in-laws if
they're receptive. Help each other accept that
guilt is normal and useful
in moderation, so
you don't have to feel guilty about feeling guilty.
Help your kids learn how to manage and profit from this normal emotion, over time. Has
anyone ever showed you how to use guilt to identify and fill
current primary needs?
As
your celebration
unfolds, periodically ask "What am I feeling
right now?" and "What do I need now?"
Practice
and seeing the difference between surface needs and primary needs in you and others.
Then practice
your needs respectfully.
Encourage
your adults to pay attention to their
until
that becomes a habit. Option: describe these bubbles to
others, and why they promote effective communication and filling current
needs. Stay aware of your option to ask others "What are you feeling
(and thinking) now?" and "What do you need?" These are useless if you don't
Help
yourself and others be aware of periods of sadness or anger. If they
occur, welcome them as signs of healthy grief, and decide what
you'd like to do with them right now - e.g. (a) go meditate and process
somewhere, (b) identify what
are causing the feelings,
(c) express your thoughts feelings (vent) to a receptive listener, or (d) ignore
these normal emotions and what they indicate.
If
you repress or ignore your grief emotions and thoughts, accept that you'll
use up significant energy doing so, and they'll probably keep coming up at future
gatherings. Remind yourself that each of your members are responsible
for their own grieving, though kids will need guidance and encouragement
to grow inner permissions to mourn.
|
Be alert for the possibility that someone who seems or says they're
may really
be experiencing healthy grief. |
More holiday / family-celebration options...
If your host/s openly encourage family members to balance
grieving old traditions with growing new ones,
notice what happens to the trust, empathy, and warmth among
you all. Those will probably increase, if true Selves are
your personalities...
Help each other
that you can't
force or demand yourself or
others to feel joy, comfort, closeness, peace, affection, respect, or
interest. In any situation, these will occur spontaneously or
they won't. Each of your celebrants may experience no joy, some joy, or great
joy
at any gathering. Incidentally can you describe how joy differs
from happiness, fun, contentment, peace, and satisfaction?
Let other family members know
about these wise
and help each other
use them in times of celebration
confusion and stress. Option: quote one or more of them in any
celebration invitations with a note explaining why you're doing that, and/or
include them among family toasts.
Encourage
each other to keep a long term view (e.g.
the next 15-25 years). Help each other accept that that grieving broken
and building
new ones take many years, and that each family gathering is a valuable
step in that process. The degree of shared awareness of the above ideas
among your family adults will shape
whether any holiday season or gathering nurtures your adults and
kids (fills local needs) or amplifies family members'
and
Help each other stay aware of your
minor and grown kids' celebration needs (e.g. "Consuela needs
one-on-one time with her grandmother.") If your early caregivers did that
for you adults, you'll probably do it instinctively for your youngsters. If they
didn't, help each other learn how now. It's never too late!
Review these typical stepchild family-adjustment needs,
one child at a time. Each child has a unique blend of losses
and needs, so don't assume you know what
losses may be affecting them before, at, or after your family gatherings.
Young kids probably can't discern and articulate what they need or feel...
Your kids' emotional plates are probably full, so help each other give them empathic,
informed support during special family
events. Option: use these ideas
to help you assess what any particular child may need.
Read
and discuss (a) these
basic ideas about stepfamily relatives,
and (b) observations about what typical
co-grandparents and other family seniors need.
Older family members are probably least aware of your stepfamily realities,
and may have the most trouble grieving lost holiday and celebration traditions.
Help
each other spot, discuss, and resolve divisive
and
conflicts,
and associated relationship
These are specially likely during
post-divorce and new-stepfamily
celebrations, and can significantly lower everyone's "cheer index."
Develop your family's unique terminology to describe and problem-solve each
of these common stressors ("Hey gang, Martha's stuck in the middle again!")
View
celebration (and other) problems as need conflicts. Then adopt an
(mutual respect)
attitude and multi-person
and use the
seven communication
together do
win-win
together. If your adults have trouble with this, invest
time in
(assess for
false-self wounds and reduce them) and
(learn seven
communication skills).
Your descendents will thank you!
A final option you can choose for any upcoming stepfamily event: use this...
Pre-celebration Checklist
Get undistracted and take your time
reflecting on these
questions before you join your step-relatives ...
Who is ultimately responsible for the
quality of my holiday or celebration experience? If you
answer "I am," what follows may be of some
help.
What are my key
for this
family event,
specifically? Do I honestly expect that each of these needs
will be met well enough? Take your time to reflect, and go deeper than just "I
need to have a
good time." What would make this event "a good time" for
you - specifically?
Am
I comfortable enough asserting my most important needs with other family
adults and kids? Do I know how to handle their
reactions without significant guilt or anxiety? If you're not comfortable
enough, bone up on the skills of respectful
and
If you defer or ignore
this, what does that mean about your priorities?
Are my expectations for this
celebration based on
traditional (intact biofamily) norms (shoulds, oughts and
musts), or do I
acknowledge that we're a multi-home divorcing family or
with significantly different
norms? The former answer implacably leads to
unrealistic holiday expectations and stress.
Do I really accept that each
of our adults and kids - starting with me - may need to grieve
important losses
that are painfully recalled by this celebration? If you doubt this or "don't
want to look at it," a
is probably ruling your
and this article will be of
limited help to you.
For this celebration, whose needs are really
to me now: my own, or one or more other family members? If you answer something like "My needs and everyone else's are
important to me," then expect
more satisfying family gatherings - if your true Self is in charge...
This is probably the
single most important pre-celebration question:
|
Who
is guiding my personality now
- my
or
If allowed to by other subselves, your Self (capital "S") consistently makes effective wide-angle, long-range
decisions. S/He does so based on the best internal and social
information available, objectivity, compassion, and wisdom. Our
protective false
selves mean well - and lack the vision, wisdom, stability, and patience to make
effective long-range choices. The links above, this
comparison, and this
worksheet
can help you answer this pivotal question.
|
Do
I agree that our family members'
and accepting
the
from (a) bioparent separation or death, and
(b) stepfamily re/marriage and/or cohabiting will take many years?
If so, do I see this celebration as one of many
events over time that can help our adults and kids accept our losses and what they mean, and form healthy new family
Is my definition
of 'holiday success' based on this long-range perspective, not just
on the coming (or past) event alone?
Continue interviewing yourself by clarifying...
Do
I see us adults and kids as members of a two-home divorced biofamily
(or a
post-death biofamily) in the process of grieving, or an evolving
nuclear stepfamily with
relatives?"
If you exclude one or more blood or legal relatives from
(i.e. you don't care
about your and their needs and feelings equally), your odds for short-term and long-term
celebration satisfaction plummet.
Do
I believe each adult involved in our
celebration is ultimately responsible for asserting and
satisfying his or her own
starting with
me? Younger kids need patient help in learning to do this effectively.
And...
Am I empathic
with other family members' needs and
rights
as dignified persons? Do I really give each adult
member full responsibility for filling their own needs? If your false self
rules your personality now, you may
feel confused with this one!
Now inquire...
If
I must favor certain family members in planning and participating in this event, do I know
who they are? Am I comfortable enough with this ranking? For instance, if you must pick between pleasing your child/ren, your parent/s, or
your partner here, can you choose one without excessive guilt, regret, and
anxiety? This question refers to divisive
and
relationship
which are inevitable in all families - specially after divorce and
re/marriage and/or cohabiting. And mull...
Do I
understand and accept that healthy grieving is essential
for our family's welfare and growth? Do I know most of these
good-grief basics?
Based on all of the above, is each of our co-parents and key relatives really
committed to including healthy grief as part of our family
celebrations?
We've just reviewed a wide range of options to improve the quality of your
stepfamily celebrations. There surely are other options that fit your unique stepfamily.
A final self-awareness: do your ruling subselves see "problems" as
opportunities
or burdens?
Recap
The good news is that holidays and family celebrations keep coming up, and may
provide welcome relaxation, warmth, smiles, sharing, and nourishing fellowship. The bad
news - specially for typical separated, divorced, and widowed families;
stepfamilies; and some foster families - is that family gatherings are often
boring, stressful, and
The pain often comes from the inescapable reality that past life caused some
significant losses - broken bonds - for most adults and kids in your original families. National and religious
holidays, and celebrations like birthdays, anniversaries, Christenings,
graduations, Bas and Bar Mitzvahs, house-warmings, reunions, weddings, and retirements, usually
evoke painful
memories, thoughts and feelings about these lost things.
This article offers perspective on stepfamily celebrations, and outlines typical surface and underlying
primary
problems (unfilled needs) that can sour them. The
article
closes many options for using holiday discomfort to help each
other adjust your expectations, grieve
your adults'
and kids' losses, and nourish new bonds and traditions among you all, over time.
These articles on typical kids' and
co-parents'
family-adjustment needs, co-parent weddings, and
support offer
more perspective, options, and inspirations.
Reflect - can you say why you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If so, what do you want to do with these ideas? If not, what do
you need now?
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