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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Typical
divorced and stepfamily co-parents face
dozens
of adjustment tasks that peers in intact biofamilies don't encounter. One of
these tasks occurs when one of their
linked co-parenting homes moves significantly closer or
farther away.
Residents
of minor stepkids' two homes are powerfully connected by genes, memories,
names, child visitations and financial support, traditions, rituals, holidays,
roles, rules, legal
and divorce decrees - and the ongoing adult need to
coordinate and problem-solve conflicts over all of these. Therefore,
major geographic moves are significantly more logistically, psychologically, legally,
and financially complex than intact-biofamily home relocations.
Stepfamily relocations range from well-organized and peaceful enough to chaotic, hostile, and conflictual.
This page offers (a) 14 key factors that affect a household-move's
impact, and (b) options for preparing to plan a move successfully. Page two continues with
(c) a planning checklist, and (d) options for coping well enough if you're already
in - or recovering
from - a traumatic stepfamily-household move.
For more awareness and ideas, also see these articles...
One of the most powerful sources of human comfort and security - or
distress - is our
Ideally, your family offers the safest refuge (acceptance,
encouragement, and support) from the problems of the world. As you know,
co-parents in typical
divorcing families and stepfamilies often must work extra hard to provide these
prizes. A long-distance household move destabilizes
the
and finances in all
.
If
you foresee a geographic move or are adjusting to one in
progress, what factors determine how fast and how well each of your affected kids and adults
adjust (resume stability)?
See which of these you feel apply to your situation...
Common Change Factors
1) Each
co-parent's and child's
basic attitude about change - i.e. whether s/he sees change as an
exciting opportunity or a probable source of major discomfort;
2) Whether
each family member
chooses the change, or feel that it's forced on him or her;
3) How
far in advance each person perceives the move-related changes will
affect them. "Suddenly" is
usually more stressful;
4) The ratio of experienced change-benefits to
(broken emotional/spiritual
that a major change brings to each child and adult and the people that
they care about;
5) How many things are changing in each person's life at the same time, and how
impactful (a little > a LOT!) each change is;
More factors that determine how major changes affect your stepfamily members...
6) How well each child
and grownup affected by the family change can
their move-related (and other) losses, and
support
other grievers in their family.
7) Each family-member's sense of confidence (a) in his or her
ability to adapt to change well enough, and (b) that the world is
basically safe-enough;
8) The degree to which each affected adult and child believes in a benevolent,
responsive
that will reliably guide and protect the family and other loved ones
through the change;
9) The psychological, social, and tangible resources the affected
stepfamily members have
to help them grieve
and restabilize their roles, rules, relationships, and rituals;
10) The extent to which each person affected by the change feels
respected and valued by the other family members;
11) How centered and stable each person
affected by the change is. This depends on whether the
of each
affected child and adult is guided by their
(capital "S") or
subselves.
In my
27-year clinical
experience, the high majority of divorced and stepfamily co-parents are
often not
led by their true Selves - nor are their kids, relatives, or the
lawyers they hire. This inexorably promotes conflictual household moves
(and other stress) that hinder kids and adults in grieving prior losses
and forming healthy new bonds.
12) The
strength
of the psychological
that
connect family members affected by the
family change. Adults and kids can be
bound together by unshakable ties of love, concern,
empathy, hurt, anger, hostility, resentment, dependence, sadness, fear, and
hopes.
Others can be psychologically numb, indifferent to, or scared
to care about the
needs and welfare of other genetic and legal family members. The
worst case is when a
of a
childhood can't bond with others (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or genuinely
care about themselves
Another factor affecting the
quality of family change is...
13) How effectively each person impacted by a family change can...
-
and
their
primary needs in
advance,
-
empathically to others' needs,
-
effectively
and resource conflicts,
and...
-
help each other
and forge a win-win transition
plan.
These are all affected by the degree that each adult and child affected by a major change in your multi-home family feels
"your and my needs and opinions are of equal importance to
me," or something else. Restated:
co-parents' abilities to plan and
problem-solve
hinges on the how well you genuinely respect and trust yourselves and each
other.
If you agree with this,
notice a powerful implication: divorce and parental re/marriage
cause and react to a mix of relationship
between co-parents. Complex household relocations go far better if
the affected adults have had a chance to (a) forge common long-term
(b) begin
biofamilies and stabilizing their new roles and relationships
and (c) reducing any major
barriers to effective co-parenting
Does this describe your
family adults?
A final key factor is...
14)
the degree to which key relatives and friends
support those affected by
the family-system change.
Notice your thoughts and feelings, and recall why you began reading this. Does this seem like a
credible review of key factors that affect whether the relocation of a
household goes smoothly or not?
Have you ever seen an inventory of change factors like this?
Do your
ruling subselves feel overwhelmed by them, or do they see
14 opportunities to
make and
implement
an effective change-management plan? If your
can cooperatively dis-cuss how these factors relate to your unique stepfamily, the
odds
for a low-conflict relocation and adjust-ment rise for all of you.
What's your situation: are you (a) preparing for someone's household move, (b) in the midst of
one, or (c) are you
adjusting to a move that's already happened? The rest of this Project-9 article offers key options
based on these 14 change-factors.
If you're starting to plan for a home relocation, read on. Otherwise, skip
to page 2.
Options for Planning a Successful
Relocation
As you know, the leaders of a successful change-plan identify...
-
clear individual and
group goals and priorities,
-
a well-considered series of
steps
to reach the goals, in a sequence;
-
the human and other
resources
needed to reach the goals at each step;
-
agreed-upon
responsibilities among
those involved (who will do what, when); and...
-
how they want to resolve unexpected problems.
"Successful" means that
each
person significantly affected by the plan's outcome eventually feels (a)
"I got my key needs met well enough, (b) in a way that felt good enough
to me throughout the process." How does this compare to your definition
of a successful plan?
The details of your household-move plan will be unique. The goals will be
complex, because you're considering the needs and feelings of many residents in your
multi-home nuclear (step)family. Regardless of your unique situation
details, here are some planning
options to help you achieve a successful household move. If your three or more co-parents are all well-along in
at least
skip to
page 2. If you're not in a stepfamily (yet),
projects 1, 2, 5, and 6 apply to you bioparents and your kids.
If you feel that planning a household move is "not all that complex,"
or "won't change too many things for us," scan these
30 factors (!) you'll want to assess together, and use your browser's
back
button to return here.
Option 1) you
three or more co-parents agree on who's responsible for (a)
planning and (b) implementing the potential home move, and for (c) promoting
successful restabilizing in each home affected. Acknowledge that the
"moving" people will cause changes in the non-movers' lives, so everyone needs to plan! Who's
of your respective
co-parenting homes?
Option 2)
Identify without blame whether each involved co-parent has...
-
a short-range,
"one-home" outlook - "This household move, and filling my
and my home-mates' needs, is the primary target"; or...
-
a
long-range, multi-home
outlook - "This move will affect all our lives for years. All
affected kids' and grownups' needs and opinions are
to me in our
planning, moving, and adjusting. This needs to be a team effort."
If one or more of your
co-parents has the first outlook, expect much conflict and stress in and
between your homes for years.
See safeguard-
and
for
help.
Preparation
option 3) Get educated to avoid being
and build a better moving/adjustment
plan! Once you've agreed who's responsible for what, each co-parent invest
time in reading and discussing...
How these
12 factors affect your
unique stepfamily and coming relocation, and what you all need to do about
them together. In particular, discuss these:
This
example of a family
If you don't have one yet, you're likely to
fit David Campbell's book-title:
If
You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere Else.
And help each other learn...
This summary of the many concurrent
developmental and
family-adjustment
needs typical kids of divorce and parental re/marriage need informed
adult guidance on. Your home relocation may amplify each child's mix of
needs. Do you adults know yet what
these challenges are?
And read and discuss...
This introduction to the seven
communication
you all need to resolve the inevitable conflicts inside and among you as
your planning and moving progress.
These introductions
to
and
conflicts, and
You and your kids and kin
will encounter these three stressors as
your relocation evolves. If you all can spot and resolve these as
teammates, your odds for a successful move increase! And...
Discuss the difference between your
surface needs and underlying
Help
each other to (a) stay
and (b)
your respective primary needs,
and to (c) rank each other's needs as co-equally important.
All you co-parents
scan this menu of common post-separation, divorce, death,
and re/marriage relationship problems. As teammates, help each other
identify the ones that are most apt to hinder a successful home-move plan
among you all. Discuss which of these merit your time and energy while you
evolve your moving plan. Finally, minimize your chances for being blindsided
by...
Studying
help each other
become effective grievers, for your relocation will cause all of you
significant losses whether you move two miles or to Lapland.
How are you doing with all this? Our focus is preparing to plan for the
move. If you and/or
your related co-parents aren't willing to
do these preparation steps together, I respectfully suggest you
stop reading. What follows will
probably not be of much practical use to you. If all your co-parents are
willing to invest time and energy in the preparation options above, then
continue preparing to plan your house move by...
Option
4) All you co-parents seek agreement or compromise
on (a) the elements of a successful
home-moving plan, and (b) how
you co-parents will evaluate whether your plan was successful
or not. What criteria will you use? If you're not clear enough on these
yet, each of you meditate and identify your key surface needs
before, during, and after the home-move. Then help each other discern your
underlying primary needs. For example:
| Surface
need: "I need to... |
Underlying
primary need: "I really need to... |
|
...feel sure that the
kids are OK-enough with all these house-move changes." |
...trust our (the moving
co-parents') judgment that this move won't
cause (a) any child significant trauma and (b) increase the
I (or we)
already feel for their prior pain and losses." |
|
...know if this move will
affect our child-custody
arrangement." |
...learn whether
this move will trigger (a) major co-parent arguments and possible legal
conflict, stress, and expenses; (b) trap the kids in
(again),
(c) polarize some or all of us and our relatives into us-vs.-you camps,
and (d) raise my guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, and
weariness." |
| ...know how this move will affect our child-support arrangement." |
| ...know how this
move will affect our child-visitation
arrangements. |
Continue
with ideas on move-planning, implementing your plan, and helping each other to
adjust successfully to all the changes, over time.
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