The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/visit.htm
This is one of a
series of articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily
relationship problems. The introduction
gives perspective on this Break the Cycle! Web site and the author. Use these ideas to augment, not replace,
other informed professional
Roughly 70% of the millions of Americans who
have one or more living
children. Most people agree that minor kids and each of their bioparents need
to spend "enough" time together. That motivates most divorced people to evolve
regular and special child
visitations between custodial and
non-custodial homes. Where co-parents disagree too
much, a family-law judge orders visitation details on behalf of the child/ren.
Because of (a) the primal bonds between most parents and kids, and (b) the welter of
intense feelings and needs that biofamily separation and divorce cause,
conflicts about child visitations (and related topics) can be
complex and bitter. Relatives and stepparents can add their own visitation opinions and needs, increasing
conflict complexity. Kids - with their own needs and feelings - have little
power, and are caught in the middle.
|
This
article for co-parents explores what each person really needs in typical child-visitation dis-putes, and
suggests how to fill those needs effectively. The ideas below will make
more sense if you first read... |
-
The general factors promoting a
high-nurturance family and a
healthy
relationship; and...
-
This overview of stepfamily
basics,
and what being in a stepfamily usually
and...
-
Overviews of
most stepfamily re/marriages fail or endure in misery,
and
co-parents can commit to
avoid them; and...
-
the common
of most
stepfamily "problems;" and...
-
How to spot and resolve
and
conflicts and associated
relationship
and...
- An overview of up to
60
concurrent developmental and
family-adjustment
needs that typical
stepkids need informed help to fill to become independent
young adults.
If
this seems like a lot of work - it is! The implacable TANSTAFL
rule applies here (There ain't no such thing as free
lunch!) If you want long range personal, re/marital, and
co-parental harmony, and the best for your minor kids, you'll have to invest
major time and effort to achieve them! The eventual rewards are beyond
price and description.
The Child-visitation Cycle
Premise: minor kids of parental divorce need
"enough quality time" with each of their biological parents for mutual
psychological health and growth. Each child and parent have a unique definition of
enough. Each is ultimately the only person in the universe
qualified to judge. Though "enough" changes with age and
circumstance, "quality time" does not. More on that in a
moment.
Let's define "regular visitation" as
(a)
a period of time and (b) a complex sequence of internal and interpersonal events
that include...
1) the current primary pre-visitation
in each person involved, and how the people's needs are
by the family decision-makers; plus...
2) the values and skills (e.g.
and
that each involved person has which shape the overall visitation experience,
plus...
3) the non-visitation responsibilities,
schedules, and obligations of each child and adult in both homes;
plus...
4) the
and interpersonal planning and problem-solving discussions
that occur among all involved about "the coming visit," plus...
5) the verbal or written plans
or agreements and expectations that result,
and the communication process required to inform everyone of them;
plus...
6) the
of each adult and child (who's
responsible for what), and the related sets of household
rules
(shoulds, oughts, musts, and have to's) that shape how each role is acted
out ("You have to see that Jackie wears her dental retainer
every night"), plus...
7) the visit preparation
process (e.g. packing, cleaning, food buying) in each home, plus...
8) the "goodbye" process
at the child's first home, plus...
9) transporting the child to the receiving home, plus...
10) the "welcoming"
at that home, plus...
11) the stabilizing process
in both homes, which includes
local losses; plus...
12) the planned and spontaneous activities
that occur between the "hellos" and preparing to leave, including
conflicts and any inter-home communications; plus...
13) the preparations in both
homes for the child to leave and arrive; plus...
14) the "goodbye" process
at the visited home, plus...
15) traveling back to
the original home, plus...
16) the "hello" process
upon arrival, including "debriefing" ("How was it? How are
you?"); plus...
17) the re-stabilizing of both
homes, including everyone grieving new
local losses, and the co-parents' and kids evaluating privately and
together whether it was "a good visitation" or not; and finally...
18) any inter-home and other
communication needed to "finish" the visitation ("Jack,
Marcy left her tennis shoes and wallet at your house. Can you...").
This can also include a web of conversations and reactions with peers
and relatives about visitation events and reactions.
Have
you ever seen a "child visitation" cycle broken into all it's parts
like this? Would you change this outline in some way? If you're not involved
in such a post-divorce ritual yourself, can you empathize with the kids and
adults that go a version of through this once or twice a week, or every other
week, for years? How do you think it feels to people in both homes?
To concerned relatives?
This
is a generic visitation cycle. Newly-separated families have to invent and
stabilize their version of this whole sequence over many months, amidst
many other personal and family dynamics. Their cycle must shift and restabilize each
time (a) someone moves in or out of each house, and (b) any member of either
house has a "significant" life-style change (like starting or graduating
from school, re/marriage,
cohabiting, custody change, illness or
disability, childbirth, job loss,...)
Even
if all concerned achieve "OK stability" in both homes,
their
basic visitation cycle can have special variations - like "six-week
summer vacation," and "year-end school-break visitations." Thus
regular visitations may be "OK," but special
visitations aren't, or vice versa, according to someone. Cycles
involving family birthdays, anniversaries, and other special events usually
generate unique primary needs in members of both homes.
Recap: "child visitation" is (a) a period of time, and (b) a multi-phase process - an
implicit sequence of events that change the structure and dynamics of both
homes. Now let's use that to explore...
What's an Effective Child Visitation?
Do
you know a separated biofamily or a stepfamily in which child visitations are
deemed "good enough" by all involved people? Do you know another family where someone
feels visitations are stressful, troublesome, conflictual, or unhappy?
What makes the difference? I propose that
an effective child visitation is one which...
-
all involved kids and adults...
-
thoughtfully agree afterward...
-
that everyone's major
primary (vs. surface)
were satisfied well enough...
-
in each part of the cycle;...
-
in a way that left each
person feeling
enough by...
-
themselves and...
- all others involved.
How
does this compare to your definition of "an effective visitation"? If you
co-parents haven't discussed and agreed on a common definition, doing so now is one way to start building
visitation harmony. Notice your
now...
Let's clarify some of these factors:
"...
all involved kids and adults..." means the four or more people living regularly in the
"sending" and "receiving"
not just the visiting child/ren. It may also include relatives or baby
sitters who don't live in either home;
"...
thoughtfully..." means
each child and adult takes time to discern what they genuinely think and feel about
the last visitation cycle before forming an opinion;
"...
everyone's major
primary needs..."
This is the heart of successful
visitations. It proposes that each adult and child involved has primary needs - like acceptance, respect, stimulation, security, and affection -
underlying surface needs like "I need (you) to have a nice time." People
who learned to be shamed and emotionally numb
as kids have a hard time
(a) knowing their primary needs, (b) validating and
them,
(c) empathizing with others' needs, and (d) discerning whether their own needs
got met well enough or not. When such people are asked "How was your
visitation?" they truly don't know how it was.
"...
in each part of the cycle..." implies that
each of the four or more people have a set
of primary needs that may change at each of the 18 stages of the
visitation process. One view of this is that
your standard visitation cycle
has almost 20 places where people's needs may not be met. A
glass-half-full view is
there are 18 places to improve your visitation process. For instance, a child may
feel good about going to and being in their "second home," but
feel rudely ejected or tearfully
when it's time to leave one or
both homes. "I hate visitation" may really mean "I
hate my emotions when I say goodbye."
"...
in a way that..." means
that the
each person got their primary needs met is just as
important as the needs themselves. For example, getting a goodbye hug feels
better if it's desired, spontaneous, and genuine, vs. getting hugged
dutifully, coldly, and half-heartedly.
"...
leaves each person feeling
respected enough..." - the only person qualified to make that judgment
is each individual adult and child. Feeling included, valued, considered,
and appreciated (respected) enough are primary needs of each person at each step in the visitation process
- though some
may not be
of those needs.
"...
by themselves and all
others involved." If there are six people involved in a
visitation, each needs to feel respected enough by five others and
themselves, for their visitation to feel effective. Premise:
If any child or adult is
(doesn't really respect themselves), the others' respect
probably won't feel like enough.
How
do you feel about these ideas so far? How would each of your other
co-parents feel? Each of the kids that shuttle between your co-parenting
homes? If elements like these define child-visitation "success," then what
prevents some co-parents (like you?) from achieving it consistently, or at
all?
What's the (Surface) Problem?
For 27 years, I've
listened to hundreds of divorced and stepfamily co-parents
describe their child-visitation conflicts as mixes of the complaints
below. See if some of these are familiar...
"My ex mate won't
cooperate / listen to reason / give in or compromise / empathize with our
child's needs / apologize / respect my needs / keep me informed / set
healthy boundaries and limits / provide reasonable consequences / provide
consistent, appropriate caregiving / follow the legal
/ obey the legal Order of Protection / stop
badmouthing me / stop harassing me / get appropriate medical or emotional
help / problem-solve / protect our child from ______ / stop using
chemicals / drive safely / keep his/her promises / be on time /
stop using the kids as spies / appreciate my sacrifices and compromises /..."
Implication: "Our visitation problems are my
ex mate's
fault, and I'm helpless, or forced to confront him/her.
Or visitations are "a problem" because...
"My son/daughter
doesn't like going to their (other parent's) home / spending time with
(their other parent), / their stepparent; / the other child(ren) in that
home; / all the complicated planning, packing, and traveling; / the rules
in that house / adapting to a very different set of house rules than ours
/ leaving their pet / not having their own room over there / not having
enough privacy / being left with a sitter over there / never doing fun
stuff / being bored / being ignored / being used / being
quizzed /..."
Implication: "The people in the other house do things
that make visitations painful, scary, unpleasant, or boring too often for
my child(ren). It's their fault, and I'm helpless, or forced
to confront them." Or visitations are stressful because...
"My (stepparent) mate
says I'm being walked on by my ex / not protecting my child from my
ex / giving too much time and energy to visitation issues / worrying more
about my child(ren) than hers(his) / making too big a deal out of visitations
/ overreacting / too sensitive / too aggressive / too passive / too
cooperative / still attracted to my ex / attached to my child at the hip /
letting guilt run my life / overprotective / ignoring (my mate) when
my child visits / ignoring my child when s/he visits / 'unnaturally
close' to my child / inconsiderate /..."
Implication - visitations are "no fun" because
my
partner criticizes me
for my values and/or behavior, rather
than filling my needs for empathy and encouragement. And people say visitations
are a pain because...
Stepsiblings - fight /
whine / complain / are too noisy / don't like each other / won't obey
house rules / are too picky about food / gang up on each other / ignore
each other / compete with each other / stay up too late / trash the house
/ are rude and disrespectful /..."
Implication - one or more
kids 'cause our visitation
problems; or...
Relatives - my
[mother / father / mother in law / father in law / ex mother in law / ex
father in law / (or other relative)] criticizes [me / my child(ren)
/ my present partner / my ex mate / all of us] for [some
visitation choices and behaviors] without [understanding /
listening / being asked for their opinion / empathizing / knowing the
details / caring what I need or feel /...]
Implication -
it's my relatives' fault
that visitations
are stressful.
A final group of surface visitation problems sounds like...
The lawyer(s) / judge /
legal system / mediator - made this ridiculous schedule / is
completely unreasonable / is totally biased / made us use this expensive
psychological expert who said... / forced us to see this counselor,
who said .. / cost us thousands of dollars we don't have, to get (no
solutions) / threatened me with... / won't stand up to my ex about...
"
Implication -
Our visitation problems are caused by
the legal
system, not us or me!
Did you see elements of your situation here? The average visitation conflict
is a mosaic of these, with adults and kids in each home having different
perceptions, priorities, and different sets of criticisms and
complaints. I propose that none of these is the real
problem!
What do you notice about these reasons individually and all together? What I
notice is the adults who cite these complaints
(a) are critical of, and
frustrated with one or more other people, and
(b)
deny, minimize, or justify their part
in what causes their "visitation problems." I have rarely met a co-parent or couple who was
of everyone's primary
visitation needs, and knew how to
(satisfy) family-members' unmet
visitation-needs effectively.
Continue with ideas on identifying and
resolving your real (primary) visitation problems...
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