The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/visit2.htm
Continued...
Identify and Resolve
Your Primary Visitation Problems
My compassionate hunch is you won't like some of what you're about to read.
That's because you are
probably part of the problem/s, and some of the primary problems
may seem scary or overwhelming at first.
Though your situation is unique, my bet is that your
"child visitation problems" are caused by a mix of these
common elements:
1) Starting
with you, one or more of your
co-parents is
psychologically
and is usually
dominated by well-meaning
This guarantees reality
+
communications + ongoing distrust, disrespect, and frustrations
in many of your stepfamily relationships, not just visitations!
(Long term)
solution - study co-parent
and then
each of your
co-parents for signs of false-self wounds, starting with you. Then assess each of your kids. If
you find significant symptoms,
learn
more about
childhoods'
shift
criticism toward compassion; take responsibility for (a)
your own wounds and (b) not
any other wounded co-parents
(including your mate, if any). Another
likely primary visitation problem
is...
2) One
or more of you co-parents aren't aware of...
how to judge if a
child or adult's
is guiding their
and what to do if a
false
self is in charge.
Solution - follow the links above; read, discuss, and apply what you learn;
and help each other work at Project 1 together, over time. This repeats
1 above because unawareness of false-self wounds is probably a
keystone cause of your visitation and other life problems!
the difference between
surface needs and underlying
and you aren't practiced at helping each other
the latter - in general, and in your visitation cycles.
Follow the links. And you're probably also unaware of...
communication
basics and
and your mix
of
these common communication
Solution: do
together, experiment with these
tips, and help your kids and each other learn how to do
win-win
And you're also
probably unaware of...
what each of your
family members' main prior (and cyclic visitation)
are; how
typically affects personal and relationship healths; how to
for and
and what an effective family Good Grief
is, guided by an underlying (step)family
Solution - starting with you and your partner, do
together. Then invite your other co-parents to do their version, and
help your kids to become "good grievers."
And one or more of you adults are probably also unaware of...
Your
as a stepfamily, and what it
so some or all of you have unrealistic (visitation)
expectations
of yourself and other stepfamily members.
Solution: You and any partner (a) study
and
and (b) decide if someone is
resisting your stepfamily identity (i.e.
someone is wounded and blocked in grieving important losses). If so, discuss
(c) what
that means to your adults and kids, and (d) what your action-options are.
And you adults probably can't name...
Your (step)kids'
developmental needs and several sets
of daunting family-adjustment needs,
and how they affect each of your kids' general and visitation
Solution - follow the links above, and discuss what you
find with all co-parents and kids. Then cooperatively
assess
each child for their status with these many needs, and evolve a plan to
help the kids fill their mix of needs, over time.
Resources: this sample
co-parent job description,
this inventory worksheet, and this
memo
from your kids.
And one or more of you co-parents probably can't yet clearly describe...
How to spot and resolve
and
conflicts, and associated
Your
visitation vexations are probably shaped by all three of these stressors.
Solution - follow the links, read and discuss the
ideas there, spread the word, and forge strategies to master these three
unavoidable stressors in your unique situation.
Finally, my experience prompts
me to guess you co-parents aren't clear and unified on the concept of
first-order (superficial)
and second-order (core attitude)
changes. If so, you're used to trying to solve your surface
visitation problems (above) by making superficial changes. As
you're aware, first-order changes (e.g. fad diets) don't work for long,
or at all.
Solution - follow the link above, discuss what you find
together, and then review the way you've been trying to solve your visitation
"problems." Cut yourselves some slack, and accept
that most of us make second-order changes only after we are so weary, hurting, disgusted, and hopeless that we "break through"
old
barriers to make fundamental inner changes.
If your visitation problems are
compared to other life concerns, you may grouse about visitation stresses but you
won't really be motivated to try some or all of these solutions. So
be it...
Besides (a) one or more of your co-parents and kids being ruled
by a false self and (b) several of you adults being unaware of the topics above,
a third probable source of ongoing
child-visitation distress is...
3) You
co-parents aren't a well-functioning
yet. If so,
that may be because...
-
One or more of your divorced
couples haven't healed their set of these common
well enough. This is usually a sign of psychological
and/or too little elapsed grieving and restabilizing time); and/or...
-
One or more of you resists the
idea that you're all in a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily, and are living in the toxic
that you're separate "regular (bio)families;"
And/or you may not be a
true co-parenting team yet (partly) because...
-
Someone other than the
resident adult/s is
of one
or both of your co-parenting homes some or all the time; and/or...
-
One or more of you co-parents
is following some inappropriate advice from an uninformed family
elder, friend, or
And/or you're not yet a caregiving team because...
-
One or both
mates in among you chose the wrong
to commit to, for the wrong
at
the wrong
- and they haven't come
to really accept that horrifying truth yet.
Solution -
you and your
partner do
together, and
invite (vs.
your co-parenting partners to do it with you. Your
motivation and confidence in doing so will be in direct proportion to how well
all you three or more caregiving teammates have progressed on
If someone has made one or more wrong re/marital
choices, this won't help.
Pause and reflect. You've
just read a lot of ideas, and may feel overwhelmed, or discouraged.
We've reviewed common surface (secondary) visitation problems, and three
primary
problems and related solution options. Collectively, this may seem a lot
bigger than "Getting my ex to pick Sally up on time."
The point: what seems
to be the problem probably isn't. If one or more of you is
having recurring heartburn over some aspect of child visitations, I urge you
to...
Focus first on
keeping your
Selves (capital "S")
of your
(your
personalities); and...
Take a long-term (e.g.
10-15 year) view, instead of focusing on last visitation and the
next one;
Work to accept that for more
visitation harmony and satisfaction, you and your co-parenting partners
will have to make some scary
in your
values, beliefs, and attitudes; and...
Help
each other adopt a
vs. antagonistic "us
vs. them" attitude - for your kids' sakes if not your own;
Accept that "visitation
problems" are probably a composite of several smaller
surface and primary problems.
Therefore, help each other patiently
each,
separate and prioritize them, and
one or a few at a time. Otherwise their combined complexity may well
progressively overwhelm and traumatize you and your kids over years of
stress and unhappiness; and...
If you co-parents are
snarled in a draining, expensive
legal battle
over child-related disputes, accept that the resulting distrusts,
disrespects, and
resentments will stress
you and your kids for many years. Hiring a bigger smoking gun may
win the legal visitation battle, but
will cost you all the relationship
war. Solutions like those above are a far better long-term
investment.
Is this what you expected or hoped for when you began to read this article?
Recap
Most of America's millions
of post-divorce families wrestle with conflicts over child-visitation routines between two
homes.
Because of intense parent child bonds and post-divorce feelings, these
conflicts can be bitter and complex. They are part of a complex larger system
of divorced-family and stepfamily relationship "problems."
This Solutions article proposes...
-
a 18-part definition of a
"standard" child-visitation cycle,
-
a multi-part definition of what
it takes to make a successful visitation
(in everyone's
opinion),
-
a review of common surface
(secondary)
visitation problems, and...
-
links to specific solutions to
each of three probable underlying primary problems.
Give yourself time to digest all that's here, reread it, journal or
discuss these ideas, and consider giving copies to all the adults (and
older kids?) involved in your child visitations, including professional
helpers. See your visitation conflicts as (a) normal parts of the larger
multi-family
you're co-managing
and (b) opportunities. Keep your eyes on your shared
hold hands, keep your knees bent and your senses of humor, stay
aware of your many strengths, and help each
other keep your
as you work
on these many projects together. You can do it!
You and future generations will celebrate your efforts in your "golden years" (!)
+ + +
