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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Options for Resolving Eight
Common
Stressors with Adult Stepkids
p. 1 of 2
by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
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 The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/adultkids.htm
This is one of a series Web articles suggesting solutions for common
and stepfamily
relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between steppar-ents and stepkids.
The
introduction
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best
use it. The "/"
in re/marriage notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. These ideas
aim to augment, not replace, other informed professional
This article...
offers perspective on
typical "problems" with adult stepkids, including what
triggers them, and
how they differ from problems with younger stepchildren; and it...
summarizes
and illustrates common surface problems, and
options for resolving eight primary problems.
If you have a problem involving a grown
stepchild, reflect for a moment. What do you need to get from reading this
article -
specifically?
Get the most from this article by first reading...
 Perspective
Adult stepchildren have more life experience than
younger kids. That may or may not enable them to
(a)
their parental death, divorce,
and/or re/marriage losses well, and (b) resolve role
and relationship disputes effectively with their co-parents and others.
Parents and grandparents in
any family can be worried or frustrated by the
behavior of grown (grand)kids. Stepparents can have some special challenges with
adult stepsons and daughters. Some problems, like
and
conflicts,
and
disrespect, are
essentially the
same as with minor step-kids. You can also feel heartburn over adult stepkids
because you expect them to be self-responsible, including raising their own
kids “well enough.”
Unless you’re significantly younger than your bioparent mate, having adult
(step)kids implies that you and your
are in midlife or early
old age. Your priorities, finances and assets, health,
and activities probably differ significantly from co-parents of
minor kids.
Your own parents and other senior relatives may be infirm or dead,
and your siblings may have moved away. You mates have more life experience
than younger co-parents, are more likely to have grandkids, and are ready to
have time for yourselves at last.
You may be a stepfamily veteran, or have re/married in mid-life and are
experiencing the same startup stresses as younger re/marriers. Whatever your
age and experience, and whether you’re a veteran parent or not, the five
re/marital
still apply to all
of you.
Common Sources of Conflict
- "Triggers"
It's easy to look just at your "grown stepkids" here, rather than at
your whole
evolving
family
The concept of a family life cycle is also valuable here -
i.e. first marriage > childbirth, rearing, and
launching > aging and growth > kids marrying and conceiving grandkids > parents
retiring; and > eventual infirmity, dependency, and death. If we look at this
majestic cycle for stepfamilies and include three or more generations over time, reasons for major
conflicts between stepparents and grown stepchildren appear. For example:
The birth of a first or new
grandchild can
tear the emotional scab off unresolved old loyalty conflicts or start new
ones, where a re/wedded biological grandparent feels torn between filling their
child's needs and their mate's. These stressors usually cause companion
relationship triangles;
If an adult child has
significant job, marriage, health, or financial problems, often their
first line of support is their mother and/or father. If such problems are
sudden and major, and if their parent's health, finances, and/or re/marriage is
shaky, major conflicts can erupt among all the adults;
When a re/married
adult's ex-mate dies - the emotionally complex burial and estate-settling process can suddenly throw the stable relationships among all
stepfamily adults out of balance, specially if parents or grown kids
have
prior parental divorce and re/marriage/s.
Some
research suggests kids of
divorced parents are more apt to divorce themselves.
When an adult
stepchild
specially if kids are involved, guilt, shame,
and anxiety bloom in and between their extended-stepfamily homes. The urge
to blame is common, which can trigger stressful snarls of loyalty conflicts and
(persecutor - victim - rescuer) relationship triangles involving the kids
and their stepparent/s.
As re/married parents age,
their assets (usually) rise, and their
wills
and estate plans become more
real and important. Loyalty and values conflicts and resentments can
explode when a bioparent revises (or creates) a will bequeathing more
or special assets to an adult biochild than a stepchild.
If co-parents re/wed
in later life (say 50+), they encounter many of the same complex set
of adjustment tasks as do younger couples. Those include stepfamily
and
conflicts,
and
(priority) disputes, relationship
triangles,
and the need to
up to 16 groups of
tangible and intangible things between their respective biofamilies, over
many years. All these can cause significant stress in and among all
stepfamily members.
|
The
point: the odds of (a) significant
one-time or ongoing conflict between stepparents and adult stepkids, and (b) secondary conflicts with spouses, ex mates, and biochildren - are higher than casual observers think.
The core conflicts are just the same as
with younger stepsons and step-daughters, and the environment is very
different. How? |
Environmental Differences
As
co-parents and adult stepkids (like you?) experience and react to their
relationship disputes and clashes, their inner and external landscapes differ
from the days of minor-stepchild custody and visitations:
All stepfamily members are further along
in their personal life cycles, so their knowledge, values,
priorities, resources, bodies, wealth, and tolerances are (usually)
different than younger stepparents and minor stepkids.
The paired stepparent-stepchild
have changed dramatically. Stepparents (usually) no longer feel
responsible for raising their stepkids, who no longer feel obliged to
please or obey
their stepparent (if they ever did). Their roles have now shifted toward
being friends and supporters, with some legal relatives and family
obligation in common.
One result of this role
shift is that the chance for childcare competition, criticism, and
resentment between same-gender stepparents and bioparents is lower or
gone. Another result is that legal battles
between ex mates over child custody,
visitations,
and financial support, have subsided. If
those occurred before, residual
distrust,
resentment, and
contempt can
significantly affect efforts to resolve current adult-adult relationship
conflicts.
Stepfamily members now expect each other
to "act like adults" - i.e. stepparents have less tolerance
for "childish" or "immature" stepchild behaviors. They
also expect their mates to treat their grown kids like adults: i.e. to
respectfully confront the younger people with taking responsibility for
filling their own needs, choices, and outcomes;
Co-parents who re/married when the
stepkids were young have evolved a history with the youngsters. Unlike
newly-re/weds, everyone now has a better "sense" of
who their other stepfamily members are and aren't. This means that
relationship-change options are fewer, because stepparents and stepkids
have learned and (may have) accepted each other's personality traits,
abilities, values, and limitations. "I've given up hoping and
encouraging my stepson Ralph to develop empathy. He's just not that kind
of a guy."
Adult stepkids have more and different roles
to juggle than minor stepsons and daughters still living at home.
Many are now spouses, parents, wage-earners, voters, drivers, managers or
supervisors, mortgage payers, and church and/or civic and
contributors. Their lives are busier, and their profile of hopes,
anxieties, and goals is far different than when they were eight or 15.
Typical stepparents now have more in common with adult stepsons and
stepdaughters than with younger stepkids.
These differences meld with the
~40
environmental ways that the role of stepparent may differ from
the traditional role of (bio)parent.
| For
reasons like these, clashes between
stepparents and adult stepkids are (usually) fewer than with younger
children. However, the (a) sources of relationship conflicts between them,
(b) their intensity and emotional complexity, and (c) their impact on their
system can be just the same.
|
Identify and Resolve Typical
Problems
From 25 years' professional research and clinical experience with over 1,000
typical divorced-family and stepfamily members, I propose that...
-
"relationship problems" are unmet needs
(discomforts) in one or more people, and "problem solving" is the
process of
and filling each person's primary needs; and...
-
average people (like you) focus on filling surface
needs, rather than the unmet primary needs that cause them. The
primary needs remain unmet, and the surface problems (symptoms) keep
recurring. This applies to
"problems with adult stepkids."
Before continuing, define your
"adult stepchild" problem out loud. Keep it in mind as you read. Then see if
you recognize any of these...
Typical
Surface Problems
with Adult Stepkids
You feel personally
disrespected, ignored,
or lied to, too much, too often;
You disrespect,
distrust, or
dislike an
adult stepson or daughter, and/or their child/ren.
You distrust the judgment of a grown
stepchild and fear s/he’ll make decisions that will (a) harm him or her and any
kids, and/or (b) cause significant stress in your marriage and home.
You resent the way your stepchild treats
your mate, and perhaps that your mate accepts it.
You resent or disrespect your mate for
(a) not
asserting what you feel are proper
with their grown child/ren, and/or
for (b) not parenting them well enough.
These are
You worry about the welfare of an adult
stepchild, and feel s/he needs professional help.
You feel
in battles between your biokids and your stepkids, and/or you resent your
adult stepchild/rens’ disrespecting, ignoring, or using your biokids or grandkids.
You feel excessive
guilt at the way you feel
about or relate to a grown stepchild.
You honestly
don’t like a stepchild, and
don’t really want to talk or spend time with her or him.
You resent the frequency or nature of your
stepchild's intrusions into your home life via visits, phone calls,
letters, and
email. This is probably a boundary-assertion
problem.
You “can’t talk” or
effectively with your partner about
issues like these.
You’ve tried various solutions to these, and
the problems keep coming back.
Something else. (What?)
Each of these cause real "stress" - frustration, hurt, doubt, guilt,
shame, resentment, irritation, anger, and anxiety.
Trying to reduce any of these
surface problems will
often fail because they're each a symptom of up to eight underlying primary
problems..
 Continue
with options for resolving eight
primary problems...
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Updated
October 22, 2008
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