Why do People Lie or
Withhold?
All of us adults and kids lie
occasionally (yes?). Our lies range from "shading the truth" to protect someone's
feelings (“white lies”), to withholding information ("lying by omission"),
to intentional major deceptions. We lie with words and/or with our
faces, bodies, voice tones, and silences.
We (our agitated, distrustful
also tell ourselves small to major lies with delusions, denials,
idealizations, rationalizations, repressions, hallucinations, and paranoias.
Can you tell how often you lie to yourself?
Think of the last person you lied to, and identify the
discomfort you wanted to avoid. Now recall the last adult or child who lied to you.
What discomfort did they (probably) fear?
Do you respect
their right to protect themselves from
as much as your right?
Premise: protecting
another from "hurt feelings" can be (a) caring and/or (b) self-serving. Do you agree? If
you choose to tell the truth and see that it hurts your listener, I doubt
that your
praises you as a wonderful human being.
Protecting others from honesty's hurt or fear is often self-serving: it
helps us avoid guilt, shame, and remorse!
is hindering someone from admitting and changing a self-harmful condition
like an addiction, self-neglect, or false-self dominance,
by not confronting
them respectfully. The line between short-term compassion and long-term
enabling can be hard to see. Has anyone ever impeded your growth by
withholding something important about how they saw or experienced you?
A related problem is
what
happens to kids raised by caregivers that model, condone, or encourage
dishonesty - specially if they preach truth-telling, but don't always
do it.
Most families have their own and
ranging from harmless to
toxic. How you co-parents handle your families' secrets can significantly
affect the emotional climate of your homes and relationships by fostering
trust, pride, and security; or blame, distrust, anxiety, doubt, and even dread. Did
the way your ancestors handled family secrets ("We don't tell strangers
our family business!”) affect you and any siblings or cousins? If you're
choosing to pass the need for secrets on, what shamed, guilty, and/or fearful
subselves control you?
Depending on many things,
adult reactions to kids' lying or withholding can range between
empathy, tolerance, irritation, frustration, scorn, criticism, rage, and
c/overt punishment. How would you describe your main reactions?
Biological
Moms and Dads may or may not be more forgiving and tolerant of their
kids' dishonesty or silence than a stepparent. Which is true in
and between your kids' homes?
Kids' dishonesty can
become a re/marital flashpoint - e.g. "Your little prince lies to me (or us)
all the time, and you do nothing about it!" Another flashpoint can occur
if a stepparent feels his or her own child/ren are starting to copy a
stepsibling's dishonesty. A third conflict can bloom if a bioparent
complains about their stepchild's dishonesty, but denies, minimizes, or
justifies lying in their own child (a double standard).
Implication:
co-parents do best if they see kids' "lying" as part of a family
problem, not a flaw in the child. Adult attitudes and reactions to perceived
dishonesty may cause or amplify "the problem." If adults
are willing to look at their own values and behaviors as well as the
"dishonest" (scared, guilty, shamed) child, the odds for everyone getting their
primary needs met go way up!
Do your co-parents
consistently see "dishonesty" as a family problem vs. a personal
weakness or trait? If not - who opposes this view?
In my clinical experience, most divorced partners and stepfamily mates seem to have
low-
childhoods, as I did. That often means we have excessive
and
which combine to promote local or chronic dishonesty with
ourselves (e.g.
and
with others. Common protective self-lies are “I’m not
shamed, or scared, and
I don’t lie!”
Premise:
Excessive or compulsive shading, distorting, or
withholding the truth between adults and/or kids always indicates...
-
significant
plus...
-
unawareness of effective-communication
basics and
and...
-
the secret-keeper or
liar feeling unsafe to tell her or his truth. S/He can fear high
discomfort from (a)
guilts, and/or shame;
and/or from (b) family-members' scorn, punishment,
criticism, indifference, and/or rejection.
-
in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies,
excessive dishonesty also indicates
the co-parents aren't aware of how to prevent or resolve
and
conflicts and (c) associated relationship
effectively.
Clusters of these normal stressors cause and/or result
from significant family dishonesty.
|
From this view,
reflexive or intentional lying is not a character defect, "weakness," or a
despicable moral "failing." It's a symptom of our primal human need for
security and comfort.
Can your subselves agree with this without "Yes, but..."? |
Notice the stark
implication: your stepchild's or stepsibling's "dishonesty" or
"excessive secrecy" are surface problems. The
core problems are (a)
why does any (minor or grown) child need to withhold or lie, (b)
is their lying intentional or unconscious, (c) how their dishonesty
affects your self and mutual respects and
trust, and (d) whether
co-parents' reactions to the "dishonest" behavior strengthens or
stresses their relationship and the stepfamily's
Another implication:
if you want kids (or anyone) to
disclose their truth, take responsibility for making it safe enough for them
to do so. If they don't feel safe enough internally (from
excessive shame, guilt, and fear), that's beyond your
In that case, you
can
control whether to react to them with criticism or compassion.
# Status check: To make this more
relevant, learn something about yourself: “On a scale of 1 (never honest) to 5
(always honest), I’d rank…
My recent honesty with
myself as a ___
is denial, minimizing, idealizing, rationalizing, projecting, or
repressing.)
My recent honesty with my
stepchild is a ___.
My
stepchild's recent honesty with
me is a ___.
My
stepchild's recent self-honesty
is a ___.
Get undistracted,
meditate, and answer these with True,
False, or “?" ("I'm not sure," or "It depends on ___"):
I feel a mix of
calm, centered, energized,
"light," focused, resilient, "up,"
grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful,
compassionate, focused, alive, confident, and clear, so
my
is probably leading my
now. (T F ?)
If not, your other subselves may distort your answers.
My mate and I
consistently model mutual trust + respect + open disclosure
with each other, for the kids in our lives. (T F ?)
I'm confident
that (a) the way I have been responding to my stepchild's dishonesty
(i.e. anxiety) is appropriate, and (b) other family adults would agree. (T F ?)
I consistently
feel comfortable (safe) enough to be honest with my
stepchild; or (a) I'm clear on why I don't feel safe
enough, and (b) I know who's responsible for increasing my safety. (T F ?)
I’m clear and
confident I'm not doing anything that would make my
stepchild fear to honestly disclose his or her thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors.
(T F ?)
I'm sure my
stepchild consistently feels
respected by me,
despite our differences and problems. (T F ?)
My partner and I
are clear and agreed on where my stepchild stands with his or her
set of developmental and
family-adjustment needs now.
(T F ?)
I'm (a) clear on
and (b) comfortable-enough with, my
as a part-time or full-time stepparent. (T F ?)
I am not
avoiding significant problems with my
or
my mate by over-focusing on my
stepchild's values and/or behavior. (T F
?)
I’m comfortable
(a) showing these answers to my ex mate, and (b)
asking him or her to answer these items and discuss the results with me now. (T F ?)
Pause and notice what your
"inner voices"
subselves) are
now, and what you feel. If you just learned
something, can you describe it?
Typical
Surface Problems
See if you see elements of
your situation here:
-
A stepparent judges a
stepchild to "too dishonest" or "too quiet," and criticizes or
punishes the child directly or indirectly. The child's
behavior becomes more covert, and mutual
distrust and
disrespect
grow. The stepparent sees the child's character or personality as
the problem, not a family-safety problem - and denies or defends
that view.
-
A stepparent judges a
stepchild to "too dishonest" or "too silent," and
hints, pleads, or demands that
the bioMom and/or bioDad "do something about it." The bioparent
may...
-
defend their child and
criticize the stepparent ("You're too strict and critical"), and/or
s/he may...
-
make token (pseudo)
attempts to change the child's behavior and say "I've done what I can;"
and/or the bioparent may...
-
ignore the stepparent, and deny
or admit doing so; and/or s/he may...
-
blame their ex mate for poor
parenting, and take no action with the dishonest child; and/or...
-
avoid the problem by emphasizing
flaws in the stepparent's child (if any).
No one is satisfied, the child
feels guilty and ashamed, and the reasons for the lying or withholding remain
unseen; and/or....
-
A child complains to a stepparent that
their stepsibling "always lies," and implies that the adult should "do
something" to change the dishonest stepsibling's attitudes or behaviors;
and/or...
-
stepsiblings constantly criticize,
fight, and reject each other because one or both "are liars," which masks
one or more of these other relationship
which the kids don't understand
and cannot articulate. This polarizes (a) co-parents into antagonistic [me and my
kids] vs. [you and yours] camps, or (b) [us adults] vs. [you kids] camps, which stresses everyone. The adults fight, argue,
attack, defend, numb-out, or withdraw, vs. doing effective win-win
as teammates;
and/or...
-
a vocal relative is openly critical of a
stepchild as being "untrustworthy" and/or "a pathological liar" or
equivalent. The relative may also c/overtly attack one or both of the child's
bioparents as being inept caregivers. This fosters a web of values and loyalty
conflicts and relationship triangles among all
co-parents
which the adults can't resolve. Family members avoid talking about this (or each
other), and "things (distrust, hurt, resentment, disrespect, dislike) get
worse."
A final surface "dishonesty" problem may be that...
-
One or both stepfamily mates seek
professional
to reduce the child's excessive dishonesty or silence, and resolve related
arguments. If the counselor is trained and experienced in stepfamily
s/he may respectfully redirect the adults to accept that the problem is with
them, not the child. If the professional isn't qualified, the adults usually
judge their help as ineffective or harmful.
Though there are lots of variations, these are typical surface problems with
"excessive stepchild or stepsibling dishonesty." As long as co-parents and any
supporters focus on these symptoms, the problems will remain or
increase. Do you see your stepfamily
situation among these examples? If so, you're probably wondering "OK, so what do
we do about this?"
Identify, admit, prioritize, and work to resolve the underlying primary
problems one at a time, as co-parenting teammates!
Common Primary Problems
People in typical
multi-home stepfamilies struggle with complex clusters of surface role
and relationship problems, not just one or two. Your "dishonesty"
problems are probably part of a mosaic of interactive stressors. So help
each other separate concurrent primary problems like those below, and work to
solve them one or a few at a time.
1) One
or more co-parents are significantly ruled by a
false self, and
they deny or
ignore that. Adults' protective false selves will insist the child
is the problem, which guarantees (a) the child will feel blamed
and unsafe, and (b) conflicts and frustration will increase in
and between the child's co-parenting homes.
Options: (a) accept
that the child's dishonesty is a symptom of these primary family
problems, and (b) shift your
focus from "reducing dishonesty" to identifying and reducing false-self
wounds - i.e. work on
together. See this for more perspective and options.
2) The "dishonest child" is
controlled by subselves who feel unsafe in disclosing the truth - at
times, or in general. Their
and
subselves may team up to make truth-telling seem unsafe, based on
painful past experiences, distorted perceptions, and distrusting their
co-parents to help them reduce their fears, guilts, and shame.
Option:
the child and each co-parent for false-self
(b) honestly assess your family's nurturance level,
(c) adopt a
long-range
view, and (d) select options from (1) above and
here.
3)
One or more co-parents are
denying, minimizing, or ignoring your stepfamily
and/or what it
They feel these widespread
"don't apply to us," and see no need to work at these protective
They insist that the child and/or another co-parent is the problem, and they
blame others for the
and
that inevitably result from this misperception. Rejecting stepfamily identity
and realities usually
indicates significant false-self wounds (#1 above) and stepfamily
ignorance.
Options: (a) clarify and
agree on your long-range stepfamily
and (b) refocus from your "dishonesty" problem to helping each other progress
with
A final widespread primary
problem:
4) One
or more of your co-parents are
of (a) your and your kids' respective
(b) your
communication
and
(c) your
options to improve
it. Your combined unawarenesses leave your subselves dissatisfied (“upset”).
That causes them to deny, explain, argue, squabble, and/or withdraw and
avoid, rather than do win-win
as co-parenting
teammates.
A variation of this is co-parent
unawareness that the way
they respond to a child's "dishonesty" (disrespect, scorn, criticism, blame, )
causes the child to feel unsafe, confused, hurt, and resentful - which
increase the (surface) problems.
A related unawareness is
co-parents not understanding, admitting, or knowing how to resolve
and
conflicts and associated relationship
that erupt around the surface problem of "stepchild or stepsibling dishonesty"
and many other stepfamily issues.
A third variation is one or more
of your co-parents (a) often modeling secrecy or dishonesty, while (b) demanding
that some or all dependent children "always tell the truth," and (c)
defensively
denying this
If confronted on this, everyone defocuses from these
primary problems, and gets lost in a tangle of lose-lose attack > defend >
counterattack sequences and other conflicts - which never get resolved.
Option:
refocus from "dishonesty" to helping
each other progress on
and
for all your sakes. Pay special attention to learning to objectively
to unearth your co-parents' and kids'
and who's responsible for filling them. Who is responsible for
making your stepchild's homes safe enough for you all to disclose your truths?
+ + +
Recall why you began
reading this article. Have your needs and perceptions changed, so far? If not, a
protective false self may control you.
Continue...
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/dishonesty.htm