The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/dishonesty2.htm
This concludes a two-page article.
Let's net out all these abstract ideas:
Summary
All adults and kids lie, shade
the truth, and/or withhold information if they fear internal or external
pain from telling the truth - unless the consequences of being
"dishonest" are more painful than the consequences of honesty. So
your stepchild's "lying" really
means s/he doesn't feel safe to tell the truth, in a situation or
in general. Your co-parents share the responsibility for making your
kids' homes safe!
Option:
reviewthis articleabout building trustfor more perspective.
Helping each other feel safe to tell the truth is really
about building self and mutual trust.
Your
stepchild may fear that honest disclosure will cause (a) internal pain
(e.g. guilt, shame, and anxiety),
and/or (b) external pain
- e.g. adult scorn (disrespect), criticism, punishment, rejection,
disappointment, lecturing, and/or conflict.
How you adults respond to dishonesty may be promoting the problem.
Fearing internal pain suggests co-parents should (a) check their
home and family's
nurturance level, and (b) help the child heal false-self
wounds over time.
if
two or more of your co-parents argue about...
what causes a stepchild's dishonesty
("You set a lousy example!"),
the effects of the dishonesty ("My
daughter is starting to lie now, and she never did before meeting
your son."), and/or...
how the other co-parent/s should respond
("You ought to ground Mariah for a week!");
the primary problems are probably adults'
(a) false-self wounds + (b) not knowing how to
discern primary needs and do effective win-win
problem solving as teammates, vs. opponents. These can be amplified if one or more
co-parents sees the child as the problem, rather than accepting
dishonesty or stepsibling discord as a family problem.
Part of the problem may be that the "dishonest child" may
perceive one or more family adults as often evading or withholding the
truth, but criticizing the child for doing the same - a confusing
double message. So examine your behavior
honestly and take responsibility for modeling honesty in your home/s.
If co-parents often fear to reveal their truth, they may be
shame-based, fear-based, and/or using the child's behavior to avoid facing serious adult
problems. Blaming the child for this is a form of
abuse.
If a
stepsibling complains about (a) another child's lying, and/or (b)
adult double standards about lying ["If I lie, you take away my phone,
but if (my stepsister) lies, no one does anything!"], the primary
problems are not dishonesty. They're probably a mix of these:
co-parents don't admit - or know how to
effectively resolve -
loyalty conflicts,
values conflicts over
child discipline,
and/or relationship
triangles. These are adult problems;
one or more kids haven't been taught how
to (a)
assert their needs, opinions, and boundaries; and/or to (b) negotiate
compromises
(problem-solve) effectively;
one or more co-parents are using
inappropriate biofamily standards to judge and react to the
dishonesty (e.g. a stepparent feeling s/he is morally responsible
for instilling honesty in a stepchild, or correcting "poor
parenting" by the child's bioparent/s). Work at
Projects 3 and
4 together to validate your stepfamily
identity and evolve
realistic stepfamily
expectations together.
co-parents haven't admitted or found a
way to reduce significant
barriers to child-care teamwork in and between their homes. See
Project 10 for perspective and options.
Resources and Examples
Learning how
to respond respectfully to a child's dishonesty or reticence can
improve the odds everyone will get their needs met. For example...
Instead of
saying....
try something
like...
"You're lying!"
"You never tell the truth!"
"Your child is a liar"
"You've got to do something about your child's constant
lies!"
"I have trouble believing you now."
"You're often scared to tell your truth."
"Will you help me make it safer in our home so _____ will
trust s/he can tell her truth?"
"Your child depends on all us adults to make it safe enough
to tell the truth, but s/he can't say so."
"Your kid lies like a trooper, and you do nothing about it."
"Your son / daughter is learning to be a champion liar from
your ex mate."
"I don't trust your child."
"I'm frustrated and I'm losing respect for you as a
co-parent because you seem indifferent to your child's fear
of telling the truth."
"I'm concerned that your ex's wounds and fears are teaching
(my stepchild) that lying and
secrets are OK."
"I'm frustrated and concerned that your child doesn't feel safe to tell
the truth."
"You criticize my child for
lying, but you make excuses when your child doesn't tell the
truth!"
"How can you expect your child
to tell the truth when you don't?"
"We (you) should punish your child for being such a liar!"
"I'm starting to resent that you
have a double standard about our kids' telling the truth.
Will you problem-solve this with me?"
"I feel that at times you don't
feel safe to tell the truth. Can we talk about this?"
"Let's brainstorm why your child often fears to tell the
truth, OK?"
"People who lie too much are
weak, sick, immoral, and bad."
"Your (stepsibling) is wrong
(weak / stupid / bad / dumb) for lying, and I don't want you
to be like him/her."
"You finally had the guts to tell the truth, huh?"
"All of us adults and kids feel
too scared to tell the truth from time to time."
"At times, your (stepsibling)
feels too scared to tell the truth. How do you think we can
help her/him feel safer?"
"I'm pleased and proud you had the courage to tell the truth
about this."
How would you describe the
theme of these examples? Are you willing to try responding differently to
your "dishonest" (scared, guilty, shamed) stepchild and his or her
bioparents? What are you teaching the young people in your life about how to
judge and react to "liars" and "people who keep secrets"?
Do your young
people see you and other family adults
self-disclosing honestly enough of the time? Option: ask each
child directly: "Do you ever feel that I don't (or another family adult
doesn't) tell the truth?"
Use these resources to help you all
to feel safer to tell your truths: communication
options, blocks,
phrases, and
tips, and these articles on (a) building
trust and keeping
secrets, (b) improving honesty between
mates and
ex mates, and this sketch of one of your
normal personality
Before
we end, take a reality check. Reflect and answer these
T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm not sure"...
I'm sure my
true Self
is guiding my personality now. (T F ?)
Recently (or chronically) I have felt
that my stepchild is
too dishonest with me and/or others too often (T F ?)
At times I feel too
uncomfortable to tell the full truth to certain people, because the
alternative is worse. (T F ?)
Myattitudes and behaviors
may have
(unintentionally) encouraged my stepchild to feel unsafe to assert or disclose the
truth. (T F ?)
I am responsible for
teaching my stepchild to self-disclose and tell the truth. (T
F ?)
My
viewof family “dishonesty”
problems has changed from reading this.
(T F ?)
I want to try some of the
attitudes and options in this article to improve my half of our "dishonesty"
problem (T F ?)
I feel comfortable
discussing this article with each of our other co-parents and key
relatives now. (T F ?)
Try reviewing the
status check that
began this article to see if any of your answers have changed.
Recap
Being dishonest with yourselves and each other, in
special situations or most of the time, is a normal protective
reaction learned in childhood. This reflex guards against (a) expected
internal discomfort (like self-blame + guilt + shame + anxiety), and against
(b) other people's criticism, punishment, blame, scorn, disappointment, and/or
rejection.
A universal attitude is “Lying is bad, wrong, and
shameful." A more helpful belief is “Significant lying and/or
withholding means
unawareness + insecurity + false-self wounds.
These are not intentional,
bad, or wrong.” Until you co-parents adopt this belief and
demonstrate that win-win problem-solving reduces the need to lie, the former
belief will promotefamily secrecy and "dishonesty problems.”
If you blame a child for lying
instead of working to increase her or his feeling safe to self-disclose,
you're adding to the problem!
This article
(a) offers perspective on truth-telling and self-disclosure, and (b)
summarizes typical surface and primary problems with stepchild or
stepsibling "dishonesty," and co-parent options to reduce the latter. The
article closes with useful phrases and resources to help reduce the
causes of significant stepchild or stepsibling dishonesty.
Two core
premises in all of these are...
significant dishonesty and related
distrust is a family problem, not a personal flaw or weakness; and...
co-parents' odds for reducing family "dishonesty" problems increase if
all adults accept the difference between surface problems and underlying
primary needs, and help everyone learn how to
discern the latter and learn how to
assert them respectfully.
Excessive "stepchild dishonesty"
is often one of a cluster of concurrent role and relationship
problems that co-parents
need to identify, separate, prioritize, and reduce one or a few
at a time - using the
attitudes, concepts, and
skills
in co-parent
Project 2.
+ + +
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article was
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helpful
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The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/dishonesty2.htm
Resources and Examples