What does that mean, and what can get in the way?
Premises: to be effective, interpersonal communication
must...
-
satisfy the current
of each participant well enough, in their respective judgments;
in a way that leaves everyone...
-
feeling
enough by themselves and their partner/s, and...
-
feeling good enough about their shared communication
No small challenge!
Once co-parents really accept that no one is bad or wrong if a
stepparent and/or stepchild honestly don't care about each other, they
may
mute the semi-conscious anxiety, guilt, blame, and shame that otherwise blocks
effective
Doing this depends on each adult being guided by their
true Self.
Another requisite here is that each co-parent accurately understands seven
communication
Can you name
and describe them? Are
you all using them together yet? Your kids won't be able to use them unless you adults do... Co-parent
shows how to build these priceless relationship skills together
over time.
How can you tell...
...if you're able to "communicate effectively"
about your "disinterest" relationship problem? See how you react to
these statements: A = "I agree; D = "I disagree," and ? =
"I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
My mate
and I both clearly accept that we are part of a normal multi-home stepfamily
now, and we acknowledge that openly to each other and our kid/s. (A
D ?)
I
accept
without reservation that it's normal in typical
stepfamilies for stepparents and/or stepkids to be
indifferent to each other. (A D ?)
I
acknowledge that I and/or my stepchild seem to not care the
other person. I can say this without significant guilt, shame, anxiety, or
blame. (A D ?)
My
partner also acknowledges this clearly, without significant guilt,
shame, anxiety, or blame. (A D ?)
If
either of us co-parents has significant guilt, shame, or anxiety
about this, we feel safe enough admitting that to ourselves and each other
now - as teammates, not adversaries. (A D ?)
My
partner and I can read this article out loud to each other without feeling
significant discomfort. (A D ?)
My
partner and I can each
(a) answer these
questions accurately, and (b) clearly describe the difference between
win-win
and these common
lose-lose
(A D ?)
We
each
can (a) define what
communication is, and
(b) can
reliably tell if we're doing it or not. (A D ?)
If
I talk with my partner about this stepchild-stepparent situation, I usually
feel
(vs. agreed with) well
enough. (A D ?)
Each of us feels consistently safe enough from ridicule, blame, or discounting to
talk about resolving this disinterest topic with the other. (A
D ?)
My
partner and I are each
genuinely interested in (a) growing the eight awarenesses, and
(b) helping each other progress on these safeguard
(A
D ?)
I'm sure
my true
(capital "S") is
responding to these items now. (A D ?)
If
you each can answer "I agree" to each of these without
reservation or doubt, you partners are probably able to communicate
effectively together about your disinterest situation. If not, you
need to work on
together!
Once your co-parents are (a) aware and (b) can communicate well
enough about your "disinterest problem/s" then what?
You all have many choices in this situation, including...
One
or both of you adults
the stepchild-stepparent
disinterest,
pretend things are "OK," and deny your denial. This is usually a symptom
of false-self
Wail, whine, hand-wring,
and talk and worry endlessly about the disinterest, with or without explaining,
blaming, and defending - but don't do anything;
Stubbornly keep trying to
demand, manipulate, persuade, or implore the disinterested
person to care more about the other, though it doesn't work;
Co-parents
check to see everyone (a) genuinely accepts your
as a stepfamily,
and (b) knows accurately what it
then...
Co-parents
and
together, using the awarenesses
on page 1 and the solution-guidelines above, and...
your lost dreams of ideal stepfamily relationships,
what is, and
help each other stay aware of the
benefits of your complex,
dynamic, evolving stepfamily together;
Be alert for excessive
guilt, and help each other forgive, where
needed; and finally...
Assess
your stepchild(ren)'s needs, and work
to fill them, over time.
If you intuit that any of the first three options above are
likely to generate more stepfamily discord over
time, you're probably right. Choosing the last five options while building
your eight awarenesses yields the best chances for
raising your stepfamily's
nurturance level.
Perspective on These Options
My experience since 1981 is that
typical co-parents and relatives deny or minimize their identity
as a stepfamily because it's alien and uncomfortable. Others accept
their identity ("Yeah, we're a stepfamily") but don't know or accept what it
This denial and ignorance puts their family members at risk of unrealistic
role and relationship expectations, like expecting stepparent-stepchild love.
That sets everyone up for guilt, frustration, blame, and disappointment. See
safeguard
and
Guilt is the
primal emotional response to perceiving that we've
broken some important personal or social rule - a should, ought,
have to, or must. If you adults have a (biofamily) rule like "We all must like
each other in this home and (step)family," then you'll feel some degree
of guilt if a stepparent and stepchild (or any members) dislike or ignore each
other.
Being aware of guilt helps to identify and reality-check the rule
that caused it. Kids' and adults' rules (expectations) about their
stepfamily roles and relationships are often distorted because they don't know stepfamily
realities. Learning to apply them
may
ease your guilt to "tolerable" over time. If it doesn't, consider
qualified
One or more of you probably have some
deeper issues that need healing. Because most new-stepfamily
members carry major guilts (plural), you partners may choose to strengthen your
relationships by intentionally
evolving and using a family policy on
forgiveness and
guilt. A win-win-win project!
Whether
your stepchild is
the disinterested one or s/he experiences a stepparent as
disinterested, s/he has needs too! Options:
-
Discuss your relationship
honestly with the child in age-appropriate language. Help him or her
understand ...
You all are working to
combine and stabilize three or more biofamilies to form a
Stepfamilies are natural,
historically normal, good, and
different
in some important ways. Watch your language: if you say "...different from normal
or regular families," that teaches your child you're abnormal
or not regular (read "not as good").
And help
stepkids
learn...
One difference is that
sometimes stepparents and stepkids really aren't very interested in each
other at first or even ever, and that's sad - and OK.
If
the child doesn't already know
these things, learn what s/he currently does believe. Consider reviewing
selected stepfamily myths and
realities
with him or her
Also...
-
Do your best to
to your
stepchild and validate
her or his feelings. Common demeaning alternatives are
co-parents' preaching, explaining,
over-questioning, discounting, and moralizing. All of these send the
implied
"I'm 1-up here."
If the
child (a) is reluctant (doesn't feel safe) to
talk about their relationship with their stepdad or stepmom, and/or (b) doesn't
have the concepts and vocabulary, validate those too. Acknowledge that
relationships take a lot of patience and shared experiences to build, and
that you all are new at learning these confusing new stepfamily
"jobs"
-
With your
child and co-parenting partners, explore the possibilities that their
"disinterest" is really some mix of
dislike +
distrust +
disrespect +
hostility +
and/or
adjustment-task
overload. If so, separate, prioritize, and work patiently on these together a
few at a time. Key attitude: "Progress, not perfection!"
Also
explore whether an influential friend or relative is c/overtly pressuring the
youngster to ignore their stepparent. The child'/s other bioparent,
opinionated grandparents, siblings, and cousins are candidates. If this
is true, you co-parents have
and
conflicts and
relationship
to resolve. Finally...
-
As
co-parenting partners, work to clarify what you think the child
really
needs at this time, and whether some key unfilled needs are
manifesting as "disinterest" in someone. Note that the "someone" may be themselves. Self disinterest
is a clear symptom
of prior
and excessive
Those
indicate an urgent need for competent
and help with evolving an
effective personal
plan. See
One or more of your adults or kids may need to
the loss of your dream (hope) of stepfamily
harmony that isn't coming true. Do you remember the image you each built during courtship about the future
quality and nature of your stepfamily relationships? Sometimes part of a stepparent's decision to re/marry is
based on wanting to
an appealing stepchild
and/or single parent. To learn
that you and/or the child are really indifferent to each other can feel like a
major loss and disappointment. That justifies patient grieving.
Typical new co-parent partners have hazy expectations like "We adults and kids
will all learn to love and like each other well enough." That normal hope
is often proportional to the degree that an adult felt family harmony and bonding in childhood, and
perhaps in their prior marital family.
Age also affects the hope for warmth and harmony: middle-aged partners can feel that this may be
their last chance for family closeness, so the reality that it may not be what
they longed for can be specially painful.
Divorced parents usually long for their minor kids (and
themselves) to experience
the closeness, security, and harmony which was probably missing in the kids'
earlier years. This is specially likely if the adults had a "good"
(warm, safe, loving, fun) childhood. It can cause great disappointment, sadness, and (more) guilt to find that those aren't developing as
expected in this new stepfamily.
Grieving lost dreams is no different than mourning any other
The process takes time, reflection, expression of
your thoughts and emotions, and moving through the mental, psychological, and
spiritual phases of your mourning at your own pace. It also takes inner and
outer
partners can be
supportive, indifferent, or resistant to each other's instinctive need to progress through
these mourning stages.
If you and/or your mate are
and
you're at
major risk of unintentionally
healthy mourning in yourself and/or
other stepfamily members.
and
guide your way.
Working on these options and Projects may seem like a lot of work. It is!
The good news is that progressing on them will reduce many
inter-related stepfamily stressors, not just stepparent-stepchild disinterest!
Recap
A painful reality that emerges in many new stepfamilies is that one or more
members don't care about another member. This is specially troublesome
if the indifference is between a stepparent and minor or grown stepchild. If
denied or minimized, such indifference often causes [persecutor - victim -
rescuer] relationship
major
household and stepfamily
and
escalating re/marital stress.
This article outlines three options for co-parent partners
if a stepparent and/or stepchild feels "I don't
care" about the other: help each other to...
grow eight key
awarenesses; and...
learn and practice
seven effective problem-solving
to...
identify and honor what you
adults and kids each
including the probable need to grieve
lost hopes and dreams of (idealized) stepfamily harmony and closeness.
Based on shared mutual
respect
attitudes, the seven Project-2 skills can
help you sort out, prioritize, and selectively improve most stepparent-stepchild
relationship problems, including apparent or actual
disinterest. Stepfamily co-parents have major options to adapt to or improve this
common, challenging stepfamily role and relationship situation if their
are
guiding their
Pause and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If
so, what do you want to do with these ideas and options? If not - what do
you need now?
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