Think of someone you respect highly. Now think of someone you don't respect.
Would you agree that respect refers to admiring a person's
attitudes, behaviors, traits, and achievements in general, or in some
particular
(responsibility)?
A common theme in the thousands of stepfamily vignettes I've read and heard since 1979 is a stepparent and/or
a minor or grown stepchild not feeling respected enough by the
person in the other role. Significant disrespect
(a) fosters uncomfortable relationship
in and
between related stepfamily homes. It also (b) usually puts the stepparent's partner
- the bioparent - in
the middle of a stressful
("I feel you each want me to side with you against the other - I lose
either way!")
New and/or insecure stepparents (c) can feel self doubt, frustration,
irritation, hurt, guilt, and shame from feeling a stepchild's scorn,
rudeness, and disinterest.
Stepchild-stepparent disrespect and other role and relationship
problems (d) degrade the
effectiveness of child
discipline, and (e) inhibit the stepfamily bonding
that partners pictured as they courted. This
painful
of a happy-(step)family ideal adds to everyone's discomfort, and merits healthy
Let's explore (a) what causes
stepchild-stepparent disrespect, (b) who is responsible for reducing these
causes, and
(c) what remedies exist for average
co-parents?
Discern
and Reduce the Primary Problems
See which of these items you identify with. They start with common surface problems
(symptoms), and progress toward the
that cause them. Read these slowly (out loud?) and note which ones
evoke the strongest reactions. Option: use this as a problem-solving checklist.
1)
My
stepchild disrespects me despite the concern and considerations I show and
the sacrifices I make. S/He is selfish, ungrateful, insensitive,
rude, sly, sneaky, rebellious, dishonest, lazy, ...; Implication:
this is my stepchild's fault - s/he's bad.
2) As a
veteran adult and a hard-working, well-intentioned stepparent,
I deserve respect from my
stepchild. I'm a
here, and that's not my fault.
3)
One or both of my stepchild's
bioparents c/overtly encourage
my stepchild's disrespect for me, and won't admit or confront it. (...so it's not my
fault.)
4) I
care enough to provide some
child discipline that's been missing
in their family for too
long. My stepchild dislikes that, and me." Implications: (a) my
stepchild's parents have been too lax; (b) I'm a better parent, and (c) I'm
here to rescue this child and (d) create some order in our home. I'm just
acting responsibly with good intentions, and I'm getting scorned for it.
5) My stepchild is
in grieving her/his many
broken bonds
and doesn't yet have
emotional room to grow a relationship with me. I'm not responsible
for this.
6) My stepchild
un/consciously hopes that by rejecting me,
his/her
parents and biofamily will re-unite. We co-parents are all responsible for
helping this child to
and release that
normal dream.
More possible causes of a stepchild's disrespect for a
stepparent...
7) My stepchild is angry that her/his parents divorced and/or
re/married, and s/he is expressing normal anger at me. S/He may
(unfairly) feel that
their family's breakup is my fault. We co-parents are
responsible for validating this child's anger, and guiding her/him on how to
(release) it
respectfully.
8) My
stepchild (a) is caught helplessly in one or several
and s/he (b) can't ask for help in getting
free; and/or
(c) s/he doesn't yet feel consistently safe in forming a relationship
with me. Example: my stepchild
resents the (disrespectful?) way I treat his/her parent/s, and rejects me
(i.e. my behavior)
accordingly. Restated: s/he sides with her bioparent/s "against" me. We co-parents are responsible for resolving our
family
and loyalty conflicts, and
associated relationship
|
9)
My
stepchild is unconsciously using rejection, rudeness, and
'rebellion' to test whether s/he's
really safe in this alien new family. S/He was powerless
to prevent his/her birthfamily from breaking up, causing agonizing losses.
S/He
has a right to test over and over again to see if s/he's
safe from loss and abandonment in this stepfamily.
|
This child may also be doing
appropriate testing to clarify...
-
who
(a) makes the
in our home
and stepfamily and (b) enforces them;
-
how
we rank her or his needs, opinions, and dignity in our family-member hierarchy, and...
-
how much power we adults grant her
or him in our lives.
Unless there are other problems,
this testing should subside as my stepchild grows to trust that we adults are
dependable, empathic, wise decision-makers and problem-solvers. The length
of this normal "testing phase" will be proportional to (a) how
much the child was traumatized before, (b) the number of
other significant stressors in and between our
several
and (c) the
health of our re/marriage.
My partner and I are responsible for
(a) validating my stepchild's need for safety,
(b) distinguishing that need from 'disrespect,' and (c) patiently doing what
we can to
help the child fill her or his
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, over time.
Still more possible causes of a stepchild's disrespect for a
stepparent...
10) My
stepchild feels disliked and disrespected by me,
and is responding with normal hurt, resentment, and hostility. Variation:
I'm unaware of sending my stepchild disrespectful '1-up'
I'm
responsible for this, and can learn to reduce or correct it.
11)
I've
avoided acknowledging that we're a stepfamily, and
I haven't accepted my responsibility for earning my stepchild's respect
(a) as a person
and (b) in my stepparent
I also haven't
acknowledged my stepchild's
right to express frustration
and anger at
being forced into a
complex, confusing stepfamily that s/he didn't want and/or feel
consulted about." We co-parents are responsible for (a) accepting our
and what it
(b) validating our
kids' feelings as we patiently
our biofamilies, and
(c) encouraging our child/ren, relatives, and supporters
to learn stepfamily realities with us.
12)
I've
been confusing disrespect with
distrust. My
stepchild doesn't know how to tell me that s/he doesn't yet trust me to ...
genuinely like, care about,
and enjoy her(him), despite irritating traits;
consistently respect her/his
human rights,
boundaries,
and values, and not force mine on her(him);
not cause her(his) parent (my
mate) to abandon her(him). And s/he doesn't yet trust me to...
be patient and "fair
enough" with her(him) and any siblings; and/or to...
not prefer my kid/s
(including "ours" babies) to her(him); and/or to trust me to...
be a fun friend as well as a
rule-spouting, critical adult; and/or to...
be solidly committed to
defining and learning my
because I want to
(vs. have to);
And my stepchild may not yet trust
me to...
not let her(him) to
manipulate, con, or intimidate me; and/or to...
teach, encourage, guide,
protect, and empower her(him); vs. criticize, demean, order, and use
her(him); and/or to...
not emotionally or
physically abandon her(his) parent and her(him); and/or to...
co-manage our home and
family safely and effectively.
Reflect on whether there may be other stepchild distrusts
affecting your unique
situation. Do you really accept that
you're responsible for patiently
earning these
trusts over time?
Still more possible problems promoting a stepchild's disrespect for
a stepparent...
13)
I'm
mis-labeling my stepteen's normal experimenting with early
independence as defiance, disobedience, and personal disrespect;"
I need to change my judgment, affirm my stepchild's healthy goal, and - with my
partner - teach this child more acceptable ways of "leaving the
nest."
14)
I've
not
my
boundaries and related consequences
effectively with this child." This
is my responsibility.
15) My
partner and I (i.e. our ruling
are unconsciously
using this 'disrespect' conflict to avoid confronting a serious
adult-relationship or family problem. My stepchild is confused and anxious
about this, and may be unconsciously trying to protect us all from
higher conflict and anxiety and maybe breaking up. We partners are responsible for resolving this.
16) From
earlier trauma, my stepchild is often controlled by a
S/He is unconsciously
his
or her low self-respect (shame) on me. We co-parents share responsibility for helping to
(a)
my stepchild's
true Self,
(b) convert
excessive shame to balanced pride and humility, (c) increase his/her
security, over time, and (d) provide a stable,
environment for all
of us.
|
17)
My personality is ruled
by
subselves. My own mix of shame, guilt, anxiety,
confusion, and self-doubt is
(a) my
perception of my stepchild and (b) my expectations of myself, my stepchild, and
my mate. I need to own all this and investigate personal
(do
while
learning to
and
all of
our concurrent needs with my partner. |
18)
My
stepchild senses that I don't respect
or trust myself in this alien stepparent
- and that
promotes her/his disrespect. I'm responsible
for earning my - and other family members' - respect in this
challenging role I've
accepted." See
this for
ideas.
19)
I
and/or my stepchild have 'bad chemistry' (many values conflicts) with each other.
This is no-one's
Within limits, I can work to affirm the human dignity and potential in
my stepchild, without disrespectfully pretending to 'like' her/him. I can
(vs. demand) the same from
my stepchild.
I can also affirm that
(a) my partner and I primarily chose each other, not the kids
('Jackie, I just can't wait to take on the complex, alien
role-responsibility of being your stepparent!'); and (b) sometimes
step-relatives just don't like or love each other, without anyone being bad.
This doesn't mean we can't learn to
enjoy building a high-nurturance stepfamily together! We
adults and kids each
share responsibility to (a) respect each other's needs, dignity, and
and to (b) be honest with each other about these as we evolve our relationships
and roles."
Notice what you're thinking and feeling now. We just covered a
lot! Is
this what you expected when you began reading? Take a stretch-break if you
need to, and then let's explore some...
Implications
What does this long list of possible "disrespect" causes mean? The
first thing I hope you notice is that
there are a lot of reasons that your stepchild may seem to,
or really does, disrespect you in your caregiving role and/or as a person. Many of them have nothing to do with respect!
Your choices are to be boggled and paralyzed with all these reasons (glass
half empty), or to say -
"Hmm - I and my partner have a lot of options for improving this situation over time!"
(half full). Notice where you stand now...
The second thing to note is that if you choose to stay at the emotional-reaction
(surface) level,
vs.
and honestly analyzing each of these possibilities with your mate, you
risk reflexively blaming the child, your partner, or someone else. By
criticizing others
"I'm 1-up!") and avoiding your own responsibility for at least half
of the
root problems, you'll surely raise others' resentments and anxieties (stress). The most challenging of the scenarios above are
those where you are responsible for changing something!
Thirdly - the quality of
any relationship is proportional to the thought and time partners want to
put
into it. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you really
want to
(a) earn your
stepchild's respect - and/or (b) want to find a new way of
respecting his or her spirit and potential, if not the child's values, appearance,
and behaviors? If you and your partner aren't talking earnestly about the
ideas above as teammates, what does that mean about your
and
Another (unpleasant) implication is that the "disrespect" you and/or
your stepson or stepdaughter feel may signal a deeper problem your ruling
subselves want to
avoid, like these:
-
you have a significant
and/or...
-
one or more of you are
of major childhood
in need of
personal
and/or...
-
you and/or your mate made reactive,
relationship and
role commitments.
Finally, notice the glass-half-full opportunity for your
adults and kids to explore the vital subjects of
self respect and mutual respect together. What causes each of these priceless assets? What
hinders them? What might happen if your family members started talking together about questions
like these?
Continue
with options for resolving your
mix of these primary problems...
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The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/disrespect.htm