The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/disrespect.htm
Continued...
Options
What are your choices for resolving the real reasons for this vexing "disrespect" situation? You can...
Keep doing what you've been
doing - e.g. complain, whine,
attack, over-analyze, ignore, repress, avoid, endure, catastrophize, collapse, ... This option
leaves the odds for improvement to chance or "fate." Or you can...
Make various
(superficial) changes over time, and grow more frustrated, irritated,
resigned, cynical, and antagonistic.
This and the prior choice each
inexorably raise your odds of
eventual psychological or legal re/divorce. Or you may
choose to...
Assess each of the possible primary
problems above with your partner honestly, take responsibility for
your parts,
and evolve clear goals and plans together. This option will work best if you
each (a) are
by your
and (b) learn and use the seven
communication
Work your plan, and
monitor what happens over time. The hyperlinks in each item above offer many
ways to
explore and learn. Patience and "realistic optimism"
are assets! You also can...
typical communication
(behavioral)
between you and your stepchild - to
learn,
not defend or blame. At each sequence step, assess whether you each are
receiving "=/="
from the
other person or not. If not, work to compassionately discover who would have
to change what to create genuine mutual-respect attitudes?
Have one or more
family
meetings, including your stepchild and other key stepfamily members. Suggestion: You co-parents
define the agenda, lead the
meeting, and stay focused on clarifying, validating, and
not blaming, debating, explaining, or punishing!
If you have trouble with this, suspect that well-meaning
false selves are
trying to run the meeting.
As you all try out your strategy for resolving this stepparent-stepchild
"disrespect problem," consider these...
Suggestions
Adopt the view that
your "disrespect problem" is a helpful symptom of deeper
problems (page 1), and help each other
to discern and
patiently
them a few at a
time. If you choose to limit your focus to forcing your stepchild to
respect you, your problems will
surely expand.
Help each other keep a
long-range view (e.g. the next 15-20 years), rather than getting
caught up in an endless series of immediate "problems." This works best if
your co-parents choose to evolve a meaningful stepfamily
to guide you all in
stressful times.
|
Above all, help each
other keep your
in
of your
Doing this
and
(build
effective communication skills) are probably the two most impactful
choices your co-parents can make toward raising your stepfamily's
and
protecting your
and primary relationship/s.
|
Accept
your stepfamily
and learn what it
Options: (a)
review some or all of these common
myths and
realities; and/or (b) draw
and discuss your full-stepfamily
(map)
together. Help everyone accept that:
-
it will take some years
to
and stabilize your stepfamily,
-
it will never feel like a healthy,
intact biofamily; and accept that...
-
as you
merge, your adults and kids
all need to earn
each other's respect as persons; and...
-
you need not
love each other (as in a biofamily) to be OK!
More suggestions for reducing the causes of your "disrespect" problem/s...
Forge strategies to identify and
resolve your stepfamily
and
conflicts and
relationship
together, stressing
mutual
respect as a vital ingredient. Doing this will ease most of your
stepfamily role and relationship problems, over time.
Validate
that all your adults and kids
"behave" in order to fill current primary needs. Then
what your (step)kids and
co-parents need as you patiently
merge your
three or more biofamilies. Then seek agreement on who's responsible for filling which needs.
Options:
-
Help each other learn the difference between
needs;
-
Rough-draft some
to help everyone get clear on these topics.
Option: use this worksheet
together.
-
Brainstorm stepparent and
stepchild hero/ines
and
models: who do you
know that you respect in each of these difficult roles?
Discuss
the
(needs) you
all communicate, and hilight the universal need for respect.
Then explain and illustrate
and explore who
usually gets which R-message from whom in your home and family. Option:
focus on your stepparents and stepkids.
Pause and stretch - do you need a break? We're almost done. When you're
ready, here are more suggestions for mastering
your "disrespect" challenge together via family meetings...
Clarify the
rules
in your
home and stepfamily about praise, appreciation, and
validation
- e.g. "We (should) ignore
what pleases us about other members or ourselves, and only focus on
gripes, hurts, and complaints;" and "We (should accept) being uncomfortable giving and/or receiving praise - and we
(shouldn't) talk about this
together." As you know, low self esteem, defensiveness, and
disrespect bloom when
kids and adults don't feel genuinely appreciated by others (among other reasons).
And/or you all can...
Read and discuss
these guidelines for exchanging constructive
feedback
together. Then use them to
conduct a "respect safari."
Try taking turns at making good eye contact with each person in the
meeting, one at a time, and saying honestly "I
really respect you when _____________." Variation: "I lose
respect for you when ___________ ."
Notice what your subselves are
now..
More suggestions...
Create
a "guilt festival" together. First, make sure everyone understands the difference
between
and anxiety ("worry"). Then
adopt some group-safety rules like
"We won't criticize ourselves or each other for feeling guilty about
something." Then go around your family-member circle one
at a time and ask (vs. demand) each person to identify a current guilt:
"I feel guilty when ____."
Try to identify
nonjudgmentally what rule
(should, ought, must) the guilty one feels that s/he's breaking.
Grow your awareness of how your family reacts to guilt (e.g. with secrecy,
defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, ...). How would you like your family to
handle it? One reason to do this
is because guilt can lower self respect. For more
perspective, read
this
and
this.
Buy
and experiment with the
Ungame
or
LifeStories - non-competitive Retired Board games which help
people like stepparents and stepkids to get to know (and respect)
each other in a fun, safe, interesting way.
You have other impactful choices! Notice the theme of these eight
suggestions, and let your
combined true
Selves (if they're
develop other options that suit you as a
unique group of worthy adults and kids.
A final option:
If you participate in a real or Internet co-parent
support group,
ask participants to focus a session on building and keeping stepparent - stepchild respect.
Option: pass out copies of this article. Avoid using your
session as a complaint orgy, and collect useful insights, suggestions,
and encouragements. If you haven't found or
founded a support group,
search the Web for "stepfamily (or stepparent) support groups," and see what
you harvest.
|
I hope a believable reality emerges here -
there is much that you partners can do about converting
stepparent-stepchild disrespect to acceptance, empathy, and even admiration!
|
Reality Check
Before we end, clarify where you stand with the main ideas in this article.
A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure
now," or "It depends on (what?)"
We have
a significant stepparent-stepchild "disrespect problem" in our
stepfamily now. (A D ?)
All our
are usually
guided by their
or they are
working patiently
now. (A D ?)
I believe respect must be
earned regardless of age or
role, and cannot be expected or demanded. (A D ?)
Earning others' respect starts
with respecting
myself
(a) as a person and (b) in each social role that I accept. (A D ?)
Each of our related
co-parents has accepted our
and accurately
knows what that
(A D
?)
I accept the idea that this
"disrespect problem" is a symptom of some
deeper
problems. (A D ?)
I am genuinely willing to
and change my
half of these deeper problems, over time. (A D ?)
I consistently see each minor and
grown child in our stepfamily as a person of equal dignity and worth to
myself, even if I dislike
and/or feel disrespected by them. (A D ?)
Each of our co-parents can explain
and illustrate
conflicts,
conflicts, and
relationship
to an average
high school freshman; or if not, we're motivated to learn these in the
next several days. (A D ?)
I feel enough empathy and respect
from my partner with this "disrespect" problem now. If not, I accept
that we have an adult loyalty conflict that outranks my "stepchild disrespect"
problem. (A D ?)
I want to show this article to our
other co-parents and supporters now, and discuss how it applies to
us. (A D ?)
My
answered these
items honestly, or if not, I know
of my dominant
subselves did. (A D ?)
Pause, breathe easily, and reflect. What
did you just learn?
Recap
It's common for a stepparent or stepchild to feel disrespected by the
other - as a person, and/or in their family roles. When that happens,
everyone in and between kids'
feels uncomfortable. Until co-parent partners act to reduce
significant disrespects, they cause divisive relationship
and
These
cause other tensions in and between your stepfamily homes.
What may seem on the surface to be disrespect, can really be a mix
of several to many unseen personal and relationship problems. Restated:
there are over a dozen ways you co-parents can shift stepchild -
stepparent disrespect toward acceptance and appreciation, over time. To raise the odds of this shift, you and your partner
can choose to...
-
acknowledge you
have a significant family "disrespect" (vs.
dislike,
distrust,
love, or "bad chemistry") problem,
-
want to
take responsibility for
resolving it,
-
assess for the primary problems, and then
-
brainstorm
and try
solutions - as teammates, not competitors.
Because stepchild -
stepparent tension, including conflicts over personal
rights,
boundaries,
and
child discipline, usually puts
bioparent/s (and siblings and relatives) in the middle of loyalty conflicts,
this can turn into a complex re/marital problem.
Thus most stepparent-stepchild "tensions" deserve high couple priority.
This article outlines six options you partners can tailor to
raise stepchild-stepparent respect. There is much you can do, rather
than endure. Perhaps your most powerful initial choice is to not blame
any one person as being "the problem"! The next best choice is to
research what
each person
involved needs to fill. The third best thing is to honestly evaluate your
self
respects as persons, and in your various stepfamily roles.
While you do these, help each other keep (a) your
long-range perspective and (b) your
current
Your disrespect problem is probably one of a dynamic
of concurrent,
interactive
and
interpersonal stepfamily stressors. For a quick reality check, scan this
mosaic of common surface
problems.
Stretch, breathe, and reflect
- why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not -
what do you need now? If there is someone you want to discuss this
article with, who - and why?
+ + +
