The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/guilt.htm
This concludes a two-page article.
Guilt-reduction
Options
Let's look at reducing significant stepparent guilts first, and then at options
for helping stepkids reduce their guilts. "Guilts" (plural) notes that
broken rules often come in clusters, and each
broken rule promotes its own guilt, Therefore, reducing overall guilt requires
patiently identifying and validating or updating each broken rule one at a
time.
Reduce Stepparenting
Guilts
Recall the premise that "excessive guilts" are one of six common false-self
So the fundamental requisite here is
to commit to full wound
if needed.
and its related
focus specifically on options for doing that effectively, over time.
A
requisite for success at this is to adopt a long term outlook - e.g.
the next 20 years or so. Then coach yourself to appreciate small
successes and achievements as you move toward your long-term goals.
Wound-reduction and converting ignorance into knowledge and awareness is a
complex organic process, not an event!
As you work to empower your subselves to trust and follow your true Self,
the second requisite task here is to strengthen your thinking and communication
skills.
offers an effective framework and many resources to help you do this.
After making significant progress on these two keystone projects, then (a)
accept your stepfamily
and what it means
and (b) work
on identifying and changing unrealistic expectations (myths) about
divorce, stepfamilies, stepparenting, and stepkids to realistic expectations - i.e.
update your attitudes and rules about these four topics.
offers a framework and
resources to help you co-parents do this.
Another vital preparation step is to read, mull, and validate these premises
on (a) updating inappropriate
rules that cause unwarranted guilts, and (b)
forgiving yourself and others for breaking your own moral and
relationship rules. Suggestion: finish this article before you follow
those links.
As you progress on these foundation tasks, you'll be better able to identify and update the core rules your subselves feel
you're breaking as a stepparent and person.
If you try this before your true Self is solidly
you'll probably experience only first-order (temporary)
and ongoing guilt-related stress.
Typical Old and New
Stepparenting Rules
To prepare, invest the time to study these articles:
After you have digested these, then list each rule (should / have to / must / cannot / ought to) you
feel you're violating as a person, mate, and stepparent. Let's build on
Phil's broken rules (page 1) to illustrate ineffective (outdated)
rules with more appropriate ones about stepparenting.
Caution: these are
illustrations, not cook-book suggestions for what you should believe.
Updating outdated moral and behavioral rules works best if you devise
your own new rules.
Old rule: "I must put others' needs ahead of my own (or else
I'm 'selfish' - i.e. bad.)"
New rule:
"I should honor my needs and others'
without undue self criticism, self doubt, or anxiety."
Old rule:
"I
must love and
respect my stepkids like my own."
New rule: This is usually unachievable, unless
your stepchild/ren are very young. A more realistic rule is
"I should strive to respect each of the kids in our stepfamily as equally worthy
people. I should accept that I'll probably love my own kids differently than the way I learn to care for my stepkids - and that's OK."
Old rule: "I've got to treat all our kids the same.
New rule: Even bioparents usually can't achieve
this! Human Nature decrees that you'll like one child better than another in
general, or in special circumstances. How about
"I should be honest with
everyone that at times I enjoy or approve of one child more than another -
and that doesn't make them or me less of a worthy person." This complements
the prior new rule.
Old rule:
"Stepfather or not, the man of the house should make the main household
rules, and the woman and kids should want to respect and obey his
decisions."
New rule -
"My partner and I should agree to
make household and parenting decisions as mutually-respectful partners,
to minimize divisive
and relationship
Old rule:
"I
shouldn't tell my mate how to parent his or her own kids, and s/he shouldn't
tell me how to parent my kids."
New rule:
"My partner and I should strive to
reach acceptable compromises on our respective parenting styles to
avoid confusing the kids with
Old rule: "I must want to show physical affection to my
stepchild/ren, and they should want to do the same with me."
New rule:
"I should not force pretended physical affection on my stepchild/ren,
or expect them to express physical affection to me until they spontaneously
feel like it."
Old rule: "As an adult (and
experienced parent?) I should be able to be an effective stepparent without
coaching or other support."
New rule:
"I should accept that
stepparenting is the same and different than bioparenting, and that
I must seek knowledgeable help in
learning these differences."
Old rule:
"Our
household and family should feel and operate like a normal (biological)
family."
New rule:
"We adults should acknowledge that
we're a normal stepfamily which will feel and operate very
differently in some ways from a biological family."
Old rule: "I should expect my stepchild/ren to appreciate the
sacrifices that I choose to make for them, and that they should love me and
thank me for my stepparenting efforts."
New rule:
"I should accept that...
-
minor kids rarely thank their caregivers for
doing their jobs,
-
my stepkids probably didn't or don't want
to have a stepparent, and are very unlikely to ever 'love' me like a
bioparent, and that...
-
my stepkid/s may or may not express
spontaneous thanks when they're older."
Old rule: "I should feel justified in rejecting my stepkids' 'other
parent' as a member of our family."
New rule:
"My partner and I must acknowledge
that both my stepkids' bioparents are co-equal members of our stepfamily,
despite past and present disputes, distrusts, and disrespects."
With more
thought, you can probably identify more inappropriate stepparenting or
co-parenting rules that contribute to your excessive or unwarranted guilts.
As you consider each guilt-producing
rule, try to identify who originated it - a parent, hero/ine.
teacher, guru, friend, or... Once you do, ask yourself how likely it is that
this person or group had any basic understanding of the stepfamily and
stepparenting realities that you co-parents are learning.
If a rule you're "breaking" isn't yours (e.g. "My
mother says I should want to hug and kiss my stepchild."), then evolve a new
rule that makes more sense to you in your unique situation
("I'll let our relationship grow and see if spontaneous hugging occurs.
I
don't have to agree with my mother's biofamily rules."). Imagine what effect acting on this new rule
will have on (a) your self-esteem and inner peace, (b) your primary
relationship, and (c) the people
you live with.
If
you feel ambivalent about updating your stepparenting rules, and/or if you
feel significant "stress" (guilt, anxiety, confusion) about doing so,
suspect that a false self is ruling your personality - e.g. your rigid
anxious
and a
See Project 1!
If
your partner or other family members oppose your new rules - or your right
to act on them - check to see if they (a) are guided by their true Self, (b)
really accept that you all are a normal multi-home stepfamily, and (c) know
what your stepfamily identity means. Use these
questions and
Solutions articles as resources.
Pause
and reflect: how do you feel about this "stepparent rule-updating" task?" Do
you feel it really can reduce your major guilts as a stepparent?
Is your partner willing to join you
in discussing your new rules, and updating her or his rules about
co-parenting and stepkids? Would your stepkids' 'other parent' be
willing to do this too?
Note that the principles here also apply to reducing excessive or unwarranted
biofamily guilts with other stepfamily members, including bio and step
relatives. Reducing guilts and related shame (and other false-self wounds
and ignorances) takes time, patience, focus, and creativity. Keep at it, and celebrate small gains.
After you
and your other co-parents have gotten the hang of
reducing your own guilty feelings and thoughts to normal levels, then refocus and ...
Help Your Stepkids Learn to
Manage Their Guilts
A
solid first step here for you adults to maintain your perspective.
Helping the young people in your
stepfamily manage their guilts is an important
part of these overall stepfamily-building goals:
-
adopt a long-term outlook, and work
patiently to reduce
to co-parenting teamwork (Project 10). Seek
to work cooperatively toward the common long-term goal of evolving a
stable,
multi-home
for you all
-
all you co-parents honestly
for false-self
and commit to helping each other reduce any wounds you find;
-
help each other understand, accept, and work
to break the [wounds + ignorance]
in your stepfamily
-
all co-parents (a) learn and agree on the
developmental and
adjustment needs of each minor child,
(b) assess her or
his status with these needs, and (c) agree on who and how to help the child
fill those needs over time.
In
your home and stepfamily, who is responsible for helping each
child learn to manage their guilts (and shame) in a healthy way? I propose
that this task is shared by all caregivers, not just a bioparent or stepparent.
Wounded stepparents are at risk of taking on too much or too little
responsibility for an exces-sively-guilty stepchild. Are your adults all
comfortable in discussing this topic? Do you all have clear family
yet?
If
you're unclear on, or uncomfortable with, another family adult's attitude or
actions about your stepkids' guilts, you have an adult
to
For example, if you feel another adult criticizes your stepchild/ren too
harshly, vaguely, inconsistently, and/or unempathically, you need to decide
whether to confront the adult on this or not.
Major values conflicts over
child discipline are very common in typical
stepfamilies with minor kids and/or grandkids.
Prepare
If
you feel some responsibility to teach one or more stepkids how to understand
and manage their guilts effectively, then take preparatory steps like these:
-
Work to patiently reduce your own
significant guilts per the above;
-
If you haven't recently, review (a) these
basic ideas about guilt reduction and
avoidance, and (b) these general
suggestions for forging a healthy guilt policy in your home/s and
helping kids convert their shame and manage their guilts;
-
agree with your other co-parents on a
general plan for teaching all your kids about healthy shame conversion
and guilt management over time, and initiate the plan together;
-
use the general suggestions (link above) to
decide whether a given stepchild feels excessive guilts related
to...
-
their
biofamily reorganizing because of parental divorce, or a parent's death or desertion;
and...
-
having to accept and relate to one or two stepparents and any stepsiblings
and step-relatives.
-
keep in mind that kids' guilts have two
sources: (a) external (their caregivers', mentors', and key
friends' values and behaviors), and (b) internal (several
personality subselves like the
the
the
and the
As
you progress on steps like these, then begin to work with both these sources...
Assess and Improve
External Guilt Sources
A
major source of kids' external rules that cause them significant guilt comes
from wounded, ignorant caregivers
and hero/ines. Co-parents who are...
-
(wounded), and/or
-
significantly guilty and shamed about divorce and/or
re/marriage, and...
-
ignorant of stepfamily
realities
can unintentionally impose toxic rules and criticisms on their
kids and others, including themselves.
So one way to help your stepkids reduce their
excessive divorce and/or stepfamily-related guilts is for you co-parents to (a) ensure
your true Selves
your personalities, and (b) to update your own
attitudes and values (shoulds,
have-to's, musts, etc) about these things. This is no small task!
Here are
some common rules (beliefs) that stepkids need adult help to update, and
possible new rules:
Typical Rules about
Divorce
Old rule: I caused my parents to
divorce, because I should
have ______ (fill in the blank).
New rule: I should give full responsibility
for the divorce to my parents. It was their decision.
Old rule: I shouldn't
feel angry at my parents for divorcing (but I do!)
New rule: I should honor and express all my
emotions without guilt, including the hurt, sadness, and natural
anger I feel about my parents splitting us all up.
Old rule: I should stop feeling so sad and upset about our
family breaking up, and be happy.
New belief: It's healthy and good for me to
take as much time as I need to identify and grieve all my divorce (and
stepfamily) losses (broken bonds). I should respectfully disagree with
adults who say otherwise.
Old rules:
I should not "be
selfish" - that is, I should not (a) ask questions (about our
family), (b) say what I believe, feel, or need, (c) put my needs as
equal to my adults' needs, or (d) feel and express all my
feelings as I feel them.
New rule: I should honor my own right to ask
questions, say what I believe, feel, or need, and express my feelings -
unless these cause people "too much" pain at the moment. If it does, I
should find other adults I can do these safely with.
Old rule: I shouldn't upset my Mom or Dad (or someone) by saying how
bad I feel when they fight, call each other bad things, don't talk to
each other, or don't get along.
New Rule: I have a right to feel my feelings
and to express them honestly to my parents no matter how they feel. It's
their job to find a way to get along with each other.
Old rule:
I have to
care for, protect, and support my (wounded mother or father).
New rule: I should give each of my parents
responsibility for filling their own needs, and work to learn how to
fill my own, with help from selected adults.
Old rule: I shouldn't upset my adults by asking questions about the divorce and/or saying how
it is affecting me.
New rule: I should honor my own needs and
feelings, and give my parents responsibility for theirs. I have a right
to ask questions and express my needs, feelings, and opinions, no matter
what my parents say.
Old rule: the church says divorce is a sin, and
I have to agree with this
and accept my parents (or all of us?) are sinners who may (will?) go to Hell.
New rule: I should believe in a loving,
forgiving God, who wants me to make my own mind up about sin, sinners,
salvation, damnation, divorce, and Hell - no matter what my parents
and/or minister says.
These
are representative old rules. Each child will have a unique set of shoulds,
have-to's and musts about divorce and family reorganization. Pause and
notice what you're thinking and feeling about changing old rules like these.
To help your child adopt more realistic rules, you co-parents must believe
in new ones like these first. Do you yet?
A
second source of stepchild guilts relates to being in a stepfamily - which
they may not want, or may feel ambivalent about. The more unaware of
stepfamily realities their adults are, the more likely it is that kids will
feel misplaced or exaggerated guilts based on inappropriate or harmful rules
like these:
Typical Rules about
Stepfamilies and Being a "Good"
Stepchild
Old rule:
I
should (a) be glad that (a) my
Mom (Dad) found a new partner, and (b) feel OK or glad about being in a
stepfamily.
New rule: I should honor and honestly
express all my feelings about my parent choosing a new partner,
including relief, hurt, anger, indifference, confusion, sadness, worry,
hope, and resentment. I don't have to like being in this
stepfamily that I didn't ask for.
Old rule:
I'm
supposed to love
my stepparent/s, stepsibs, and steprelatives.
New rule: I should be honest with myself and
my other family members about how I really feel about each of my
stepparents, stepsibs, and steprelatives (and my biorelatives, too).
Old rule:
I
should want to call
my stepparent Mom (or Dad, or equivalent).
New rule: I should experiment and call my
stepparent what feels comfortable to me, despite what my bioparent/s or
relatives say.
Old rule:
I must want to hug
and kiss my stepmother (father) and maybe my step-grandparent/s, and/or
I should feel comfortable with their hugging and kissing me.
New rule: I must learn to be honest with
myself and my adults about what feels comfortable and :right" to me
about physical contact with (anyone), and I should not force myself to
do things I'm not ready to do.
Old rule:
I should feel glad that I
have a stepbrother (sister), and/or
I should "love" or feel
the same about my stepsibling/s as I feel about my biological sibling/s
(if any).
New rule: I should accept that I haven't
grown up with my stepsiblings, and we have different parents,
backgrounds, and personalities - so they and I may or may not learn
to like or love each other over time - no matter what my adults say.
Old rule:
I
should be glad that my
parent is going to have a new baby with my stepparent.
New rule: I should be honest with myself and
others about how I feel about having a half-brother or half-sister.
Old rule:
I should accept and agree
with what my
adults tell me about visitations, who I live with, and other
family-related things.
New rule: I should get clear on what I need
and feel, and tell my adults these things respectfully and honestly. Then I should accept that
they (a) know more than I do, and (b) are responsible for running this
family, so (c) I should try to adapt (vs, agree with) to whatever they
decide.
Old rule: I should be grateful to my
stepparent for all that s/he does for me, and I should express that.
New rule: I should accept that if I didn't
want a stepparent - and/or if I don't like my stepparent - I
don't have to pretend to feel or express gratitude for what s/he does,
mo matter what other adults say.
Old rule: I shouldn't like my (live
in) stepparent if it makes my (noncustodial) Dad or Mom (or someone)
feel "bad" (jealous, sad, resentful, scared).
New rule: I should accept that I'm not
responsible for how my adults feel - they are. I have the right
to feel and express my emotions and needs - and so do they.
Old rule: I should accept the changes
in our home and lives that my stepparent wants, even if I don't agree
with or like them.
New rule: If I don't like the family or
household changes caused by my stepparent (or stepsiblings), I should
say honestly what I feel and what I need. I should ask my parents to
treat my needs as being just as important as mine, and ask them to
compromise when we disagree.
Do
you see several themes underlying these sample new rules? Three themes
are...
-
kids are entitled to feel and assert their
own feelings and needs, and are not responsible for adults' feelings or
filling adults' needs;
-
typical stepkids will feel different
(less trusting, affectionate, and loving) about stepparents and
step-relatives than their own biological kin - including not liking
them.
-
the rules that pertain to typical
biofamilies are often inappropriate or harmful in a stepfamily -and
adults have to evolve new rules based on stepfamily realities, and
teach them to their kids.
If you co-parents disagree with these
themes, review and ponder this, and lower
your expectations about reducing your stepchild's guilts (and shame).
As
you co-parents work to update the rules your stepchild feels s/he must obey, a second
nurturing goal is to...
Reduce
Your Stepchild's Internal Guilt Sources
The
second source of excessive guilts (in anyone) is the beliefs, goals, and
behaviors of several normal personality
subselves. They usually include the tireless Inner Critic, Perfectionist, Moralizer,
Guilty Child, and Shamed Child.
Use your best collective co-parental
judgments to decide when and how to teach your kids about their personality
subselves and how to interact with them. This education is essential to break
the pervasive ancestral [wounds + ignorance] cycle!
Keep
in mind that minor kids' true Selves haven't gained enough life experience
to develop their ability to lead the other subselves effectively. This means that
subselves like those above will rule the child's thoughts, beliefs, feelings,
and needs.
Twin long-range adult targets are (a) each co-parent have her or
his true Self usually direct their other subselves, and to (b) work together
to help minor kids develop awareness of their own Self, and evolve
appropriate trust in his or her competence to make wise decisions.
When
you feel it's appropriate, use some "parts work" strategies like
these fit your
stepchild's age and personality. Long-term success at this is most likely if
all your co-parents...
-
accept the reality of personality subselves, and...
-
are working to harmonize their own team of subselves and live Self-directed
lives.
This no small achievement - specially if one or more of your
co-parents
a low-nurturance childhood - which seems to be the U.S. norm!
Options
As you evolve an appropriate co-parenting strategy to update the external
and internal sources of your stepchild/rens' guilts, consider overall
options like these:
Show your
stepchild, as
well as tell him or her, that (a) it's normal and OK to feel guilty,
and (b) it's good to talk openly about their guilts! Talking honestly about
your guilty feelings and thoughts is probably
more effective than lecturing, eh?
Consider
making guilt-reduction into a family game or a household
or family contest, with awards, prizes, and non-shaming
"penalties." Consider having a periodic "guilt festival"
or "guilt treasure hunt." The win-win, non-competitive Retired Board game
The
Ungame provides a way to experience how this alien activity might feel
among all of you.
Consider evolving a conscious
household and stepfamily "guilt policy"
(principles, guidelines, and rules about feeling, expressing, and reducing guilt) as
an important part of building a high-nurturance stepfamily. See this
example and sample
Good
Grief policy for ideas. Note that "no policy" is a policy!
Reflect: what was the (probably unspoken) guilt policy in your childhood
family. Was it healthy and helpful?
Before we end, take stock of where you are now:
Reality Check
See where you stand with the ideas you've just read, relative to your
situation. T = "True," F = "False," and ? = "I don't
know," or "It depends on (what?)."
I can clearly
describe (a) what
is, and
(b) how it differs from shame. (T F ?)
I feel clear on what
relationship
are now, and why
all people evolve them.
(T F ?).
I believe that
moderate guilt is a normal, useful reaction that signals
something needs to change in me and/or another person. (T F
?)
I (a) accept
that stepparent and stepchild are two complementary family
not people; and
(b) I'm encouraging our other stepfamily members to accept this. (T F
?)
I know that typical
stepfamilies differ from intact biofamilies in
many ways, so traditional rules
about bioparent-biochild relationships may not apply to our stepparent/s
and stepkids.
(T F ?)
I feel
that I and/or my stepchild feel too much guilt too often now. (T
F ?)
All our
stepfamily
adults
(including me) are responsible for...
-
identifying the
main rules that govern their roles and relationships,
-
assessing
where and when they got each rule, and...
-
deciding if they need to
create a new rule to better fit their personality, knowledge, and living
situation. (T F ?)
I know
how to change outdated or inapplicable old moral and relationship rules to
more effective rules now. (T F ?)
I (a)
accept
that if I have trouble discerning and updating the
rules that cause me excessive guilt about my stepparent role or
behaviors, I should assess whether a
rules my
personality; and (b) I know why and (c)
to do that now.
(T F ?)
I believe that (a) we have an unspoken household and/or family
"policy" about feeling, expressing, and managing guilts; and that
(b) it benefits all our adults and kids to discuss our policy and keep it
current, conscious, and realistic together. (T F ?)
I know how and when
to apply these wise
to
relating to my stepchild and others. (T F ?)
My partner and his or her ex mate
would each answer "True" to each item above now.
(T F ?)
I'm motivated to
show this article to all our stepfamily adults and teens and discuss how
it applies to us all now. (T F ?)
My
true Self is
to these items
now. (T F ?)
What did you just learn?
Recap
Guilt
is a normal emotional response that healthy humans are born with. From early parental dis/approvals, guilt
and related shameful feelings and thoughts occur automatically in healthy kids
and adults when their ruling personality subselves
believe they have broken some important inner
or social "law" or rule - a should
(not), ought (not), must (not), need to, or have to.
("I always have to say 'please' and 'thank you' ")
Moderate guilt
helps us learn from our experiences and make win-win behavioral
choices. Guilt ("I made a mistake") can feel like shame ("I
am a mistake"), but each has unique causes and
"cures." Excessive and undeserved guilt can promote
significant health, developmental, and social problems,
Typical stepparents and minor and grown stepkids
can feel excessive and undeserved guilts for many reasons.
Three major causes are...
Until admitted
and intentionally reduced, significant guilts and related shame can amplify other
relation-ship stressors throughout your
stepfamily. Together, these can seriously stress re/marriages and your stepfamily's integrity
(bonding).
The article (a) puts guilt-reduction in the context of larger
stepfamily-building goals, (b) illustrates typical guilt-producing rules
about the role of stepparenting, and sample new rules; and (c) gives
perspective on and examples of old and new rules for typical stepkids.
Building on these principles and
options, this article
suggests that co-parents' working to spot and reduce excessive guilts is
part of a larger overall sequence of stepfamily-building goals (above).
Also see this related article on reducing excessive divorce-related guilt between
ex mates.
Pause and reflect. Why did you start to read this article? Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need to do with these ideas? If not, try
what you need now...
+ + +
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