This article offers
perspective on, and options for, coping with significant sexual attraction
between a stepparent and their stepchild. Related articles explore
options if (a) mates
have a sexual problem, (b) there's significant sexual tension between
ex
mates, and (c) stepsiblings are sexually
attracted. Responding
to sexual
and incest is beyond the scope of this site.
Before continuing, reflect: say out loud why you're reading this.
Raise the
odds of filling your needs by studying these first:
|
This article suggests that significant sexual stress between
a stepparent and stepchild (and other stepfamily members) is a
symptom
(surface problem) of at least four underlying problems: |
Before exploring each of these four underlying problems, review this...
Perspective
Periodically, all creatures feel primal sexual urges to mate (procreate). Because
sexual desire and pleasure is so intense and pervasive, humans in all
cultures and ages have invented and debated religious and civil rules to
regulate "acceptable" sexual thoughts, values, and behaviors. Religions have
invented Divine "laws" about these, based on sacred texts purporting to
reveal God's mandates.
These man-made "moral rules" and social consequences
have caused major guilt, shame, anxiety, divorce, torture, and death among
countless millions of people. Our culture promotes sexual limits (rules and
laws) based on inherited religious beliefs about "sin," parents' values,
genetic realities, and social welfare ("Teens must not conceive children.")
A common rule is "Adults and children should not behave sexually with
each other." Why?
(Most) ancient and modern cultures recognize the dangers of mental
retardation caused by child conception between genetic relatives. Nature provides the
incest taboo to help guard against
that. Explorer James Cook journaled about the Polynesian islanders' concept of
tabu in 1777, and the word has spread around the English-speaking
world.
The familiarity bred by infants growing up with their parents
and kin (usually) mutes sexual attraction between them. The
high incidence of (reported) U.S. domestic
sexual
documents that the incest taboo is only partially effective - specially
when adults are significantly
and/or influenced by
drugs.
|
One of the 60+ differences between
typical
and biofamilies is that
the incest taboo in
the former is much weaker, because typical stepkids didn't grow up with their
stepparent or stepsiblings. A recent study suggested that the odds of sexual
molestation of American girls under 18 is four times higher with male
steprelatives than biorelatives.
|
As every healthy child matures, s/he becomes aware of her or his sexual urges, and
what clothing, scents, physical features, and behaviors are socially and
sexually attractive to other people. S/He
also learns that sexual attractiveness creates power to fill primal
needs for social approval, companionship, and excitement.
Co-parents try to
teach their youngsters to (a) understand and appreciate their natural
sensual and sexual urges, and to (b) regulate them and make wise decisions
about their sexual priorities, limits, and actions. Your co-parents and kids are
also influenced by civil and religious laws which forbid consensual and
forced sexual relations
between genetic relatives.
Have
you ever felt sexually aroused by a parent, sibling, or genetic kin?
Reflect on what prevented your acting on that - or how you felt if you
did act...
The Surface Problem
Typical stepparents and stepkids have not grown up together, so one or both
may develop sexual attraction to the other. This is specially likely if the
stepparent is only a few years older than
a resident stepteen. The (surface) problem nets out to this:
Human sexual responses are governed by
hormones and internal body-clocks, not man-made
"morality." Adults and adolescents feel sexual
responses regardless of
personal, social, or religious rules, or what kind of family they live
in;
The natural incest taboo (inhibition) is significantly weaker in
typical stepfamilies than in healthy intact biofamilies, unless
stepparents have been active in their stepkids' lives since infancy;
Sexual desire and/or behavior (e.g.
flirting; titillating; language, inappropriate touching, holding, and kissing; seduction) between a stepparent and stepchild
usually causes a web of major relationship problems in and
between their related co-parenting homes.
How family members react
to the sexual behaviors is the problem, not the sexual
responses themselves; and...
Typical co-parents and
supporters don't know how to discuss and resolve sexually-related
(and other relationship) problems
effectively. This is partly because sexuality is so primal, evocative, and loaded with complex
rights and wrongs, and partly from ignorance of
communication basics
and how to
effective
and consequences.
If your marriage, home, and/or family is disturbed by sexual feelings and
behaviors between a stepparent and stepchild, a question you co-parents face
is...
Do You Need to Act Now?
The
invites us to endure
some discomforts, and act to reduce others.
How do you judge when to accept
sexual thoughts and behaviors between a stepparent and stepchild, and when to act?
Option:
your co-parents need to act if someone with "reasonable
knowledge of your stepfamily" feels that these sexual feelings
and/or behaviors are...
-
harming the
and
of one or
more of your adults or kids; and/or...
-
damaging one or more kids'
self esteem and security, and/or teaching them harmful sexual values; and/or
they are...
-
significantly stressing someone's re/marriage; and/or...
-
clearly breaking the law (e.g. about sexual
and...
-
your co-parents
aren't discussing, investigating, and taking
effective action now
to resolve these problems together.
Can you think of another way of determining if you should act here? If you
feel that action is warranted, what are the underlying primary
problems, and what are your options? Note that not acting when these
conditions exist is
which suggests
false-self wounds.
Common Primary Problems, and Solution-options
Let's begin with three core premises:
Seeking personal sexual pleasure and release is a normal, healthy aspect of
being human - not immoral, wrong, "sinful," or bad.
Problems rise
from how adults and kids (a) judge and (b) limit their sexual behaviors, and
(c) deal with conflicting sexual
values - e.g. respectful discussion and compromise, avoidance
(pretending) and denial, blaming and moralizing, and/or endless
arguments and manipulations.
(a) Forcing sexual experience on an unwilling or
uninformed partner, and (b) conceiving a child not genuinely wanted by two
competent, committed caregivers, always significantly reduce
personal wholistic healths and the
and unity of their family.
How do your co-parents stand on these opinions?
If your attempts to cope with significant sexual tension between a stepparent and stepchild
aren't working, there may be up to four
primary problems to reduce:
psychological
in
one or more co-parents and kids. These cause a dynamic mix of
problems like excessive
and reality
and...
co-parents not
accepting or agreeing on their stepfamily
and learning
what it
and...
co-parent ignorance
of four
- which causes
family
communication and
-
among other things.
a fourth possible
problem is that co-parents are heeding
uninformed or harmful
advice from
lay or professional supporters and/or media "experts."
Let's explore each of these in
more depth, and review your co-parents' options for resolving each of them:
This
site proposes that one of five fundamental
in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies is "false-self (psychological) wounds" that result
from adults growing up in a
environment. Typical
co-parents (a) don't (want to) know about these wounds, (b) deny or minimize
them, and/or (c) don't know how to reduce them over time.
These wounds manifest in predictable ways, like excessive guilt, shame,
anxiety, and/or significant reality
- like denial,
repression, projecting, and idealizing, and minimizing. These can contribute
to your problem like this:
A
wounded stepparent
or bioparent denies s/he has distorted or misinformed
opinions (values) about human sexuality - in general, or in stepfamilies.
This promotes c/overt blaming and defensiveness, guilt, shame, resentment,
and confusion among family members. These combine to inhibit co-parents
being able to discuss and problem-solve effectively;
A
wounded stepparent
denies that her or his sexual needs are not filled well enough by
their partner, so s/he reacts to an attractive or
seductive stepchild;
A stepmom or
stepdad denies their sexual (a) feelings for or (b)
behaviors with a stepchild,
and/or the (c) effects of this response on family relationships and
cohesion;
A stepparent or
stepchild denies (a) an obsession with or compulsion
to seek sexual pleasure - and/or
denies (b) a childhood sexual trauma;
The stepparent's
partner
denies (a) significant sexual dissatisfaction between them, and/or that
(b) there is harmful sexual behavior
occurring between their mate and their child - including seduction,
harassment, shaming, boundary violations, and/or
A stepson or
stepdaughter denies - or can't express - that sexual behaviors of their stepparent cause
major shame, guilt, excitement, anxiety or fear, and/or
confusion;
Instead
of win-win
co-parents'
cause escalating blame > defend > counterblame cycles ("You're being turned
on by my daughter is juvenile and disgusting!" "Well It's not my
fault she's been raised to walk around the house half naked and dress
like a whore!")
Other stepfamily relatives
deny clear evidence of harmful (vs. "inappropriate") sexual interaction between
stepparent and stepchild;
An involved
professional clinician denies (a) clear evidence of
unhealthy sexual stepfamily behaviors, or his or her (b) legal and ethical
responsibility to confront that behavior, and (c) fear of the
reactions to such confrontation, like a legal suit; and...
Any of these people
denies their denials
("I am not 'wounded' or 'distorting reality'!")
These illustrate the many ways significant psychological wounds can
contribute to your "adult-child sexuality problem/s."
Such wounds are usually a primary
factor in all family role and relationship prob-lems. An effective way to evaluate for
false-self wounds
is for your co-parents to study
and do the
12
worksheets and exercises
honestly. Then help each other evolve and work a
over time. Your
children depend on you adults to do this - they aren't able to yet.
Reality
Check
Before continuing, take a reality
check on what you just read: T = True, F = False, and
? = "I'm torn or confused," or "I need to learn more about these
wounds and recovery,"
I feel that sensual
and sexual urges and responses (a) are normal in healthy adults and
post-puberty children, so (b) by themselves, they are not shameful, bad,
sinful, or wrong.
(T F ?)
I'm clear that
our "stepparent-stepchild sexuality problem" is a symptom of one
or more underlying problems like those in this article. (T F
?)
I clearly understand
the concept of (a) "false-self wounds" and (b) I solidly accept the
basic impacts they cause on people and families like ours. (T
F ?)
I'm strongly
motivated to (a) assess myself and other family adults and kids now for
false-self wounds, or (b) to learn more about wounds, impacts,
and recovery by studying Project 1 or equivalent in the next several
days. (T F ?)
The other co-parents
in our family are open to learning about false-selves and assessing us
adults and kids for them now. (T F ?)
All our co-parents
are effective now at
below surface
symptoms of "a prob-lem" to discern (a) the primary
that cause them,
and (b) who's
for filling
these needs. (T F ?)
For more perspective, explore
this article on relating well-enough with significantly-wounded people. If you're skeptical about these wounds and their
(a) review this
comparison, read my
letter to you, and try this safe,
interesting
exercise.
Continue
with options for resolving three more primary contributors
to your "sexuality problem"...
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The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/lust.htm