The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/stepteens.htm
Continued from page 2...
More concurrent primary problems causing this stepfamily's "stepteen
problem"...
6) Neither Alicia or Norman knew how to
(a) identify and (b)
cooperatively resolve
and stepfamily-identity
conflicts, and associated relationship
These (inevitable)
stepfamily stressors were interacting, multiplying, and creating
unidentified major secondary problems like escalating hurts +
distrusts + disrespects + doubts + repressions + anxieties.
Option - Learn
resolution-options for these four major stressors as part of
- learn
effective-communication basics and skills.
Problem 7)
These well-meaning middle-aged re/married mates
didn't know how to
discern first-order (surface,
temporary) from second-order (core attitude)
This doomed
their
to endlessly
attempting first-order (superficial) changes without
the seven Project2 skills. These unproductive cycles and false-self wounds were
fueling everyone's weariness, frustration, shame, guilt, and distrust,
including Marty's.
Options: include and apply
(a) knowledge of first-and
second-order changes and (b) a language to discuss them cooperatively, in
Projects 1 (heal inner wounds), 2 (evolve effective communication skills)
and
(merge several
biofamilies over many years, and resolve many conflicts together). In
addition to these primary problems...
8)
Marty appeared to be
a normal mid-teen male who was overwhelmed by...
-
his many
concurrent family-adjustment needs and...
-
the web of
alien, confusing relationship problems above, and...
-
admitting,
and accepting
(a) his
biofather's apparent abandonment of him and his sister, and (b) his
mother's passive acceptance of that; and...
-
his stepfather's
obvious preference for his sister over him; and...
-
his three
older stepbrothers ignoring and excluding (disrespecting) him in stepfamily
gatherings, and his co-parents seeming not to care; and...
-
Marty's
normal, stressful mix of teen
developmental, school, and social
stressors, and...
-
probable
unfinished or
of his
many
from
early childhood + family divorce + parental remarriage + their ongoing, alien
stepfamily merger; and...
-
lack of clear, consistent,
empathic, informed, unified adult
nurturance from his mother and stepfather on all of these, plus...
-
the stressful
effects of his own set of
Options: co-parents (a) commit to building a high-nurturance
stepfamily, (b) admit your stepfamily identity and what it means
(c)
assess each stepchild for
their status on their unique mix of developmental and family-adjustment
needs, (d) reduce these
to co-parenting
teamwork
and (e) agree on
which co-parent/s
is/are responsible for filling each child's main needs now.
Problem 9) These four people (including Marty's older sister Lisa who was
often away at college) didn't know
how to find effective
for themselves as part of a normal
unique nuclear stepfamily - e.g. Norman and Alicia hadn't considered
participating in a co-parent support group. In part, this was a result of
this wounded stepfather's need to ignore their stepfamily's identity and see
himself as a loving, competent biofather.
Options: help each other to make patient progress at
together, over time.
PS) Two related, well-concealed, impactful secondary
problems (that caused other problems) were (a) Norman's denied
binge-drinking, and (b) Alicia's
responses. His
"drinking episodes" amplified Alicia's protective instincts for both her
children - specially with her custodial son Marty. Norman's "alcoholic (i.e.
false-self) behavior" could unpredictably turn vicious, shaming, and
frightening (he was about 6' 3" and 250 pounds).
Alicia's false-self
resisted (a) acknowledging Norman's
and her
codependent traits, (b) attending
Al-Anon or
CoDA meetings, and (c) setting
meaningful limits with him, for
of great conflict
and possible midlife re/divorce and solitary old age.
Her awareness of this resistance
and inability to change it promoted significant
Her tireless
medicated
against these compound stressors by self-isolation, escape reading,
housework, and overwork. This is a common
symptom of all the
primary problems above.
Bottom line: what the co-parents presented as a
"stepteen" problem was really a multi-level collage of nine
primary problems the
couple's false selves used to deflect from
admitting a mix of serious (a) core psychological wounds and (b) remarital problems in
early old age.
Fifteen-year old Marty did have "problems," but they were not
those that the frustrated stepdad insisted he had (false-self
Their various
wounds and ignorances polarized these three people into a series of
stressful Persecutor (Norman) - Victim (Marty) - Rescuer (Alicia)
These amplified a
series of
with Alicia usually caught in the middle.
The
adults' wounds and unawareness of these dynamics and communication basics
and skills had made effective win-win problem-solving impossible. When I suggested
this and assured them they could resolve each of their
concurrent problems if they co-committed to doing so, the adults'
false selves ended
our consultations.
As long as these typical co-parents (and any counselor/s) continued to (1)
focus on their set of surface
problems "about Marty and Norman" and (2) seek first-order (superficial)
changes, their step-relations would deteriorate, and their stepfamily's
nurturance-level would drop. Sadly, this was born out about a
year after I met this family - the adults had separated, and eventually
Norman got two
DUI
's just after he
retired.
Status Check
We've explored a lot of (unexpected?) topics here! Recall why you
read this article, and then see what your subselves think now: T(rue),
F(alse), or "?" ("I'm not sure / it depends on...")
I feel a
mix of calm, clear, awake, aware, alert, "up," energized, compassionate,
focused, resilient, strong, serene, grounded, light, and realistically
optimistic - so my
(capital
"S") probably guides my
now (T F ?)
I can
now describe at least five things that belonging to an average stepfamily
to all our adults
and kids (T F ?)
I (a)
understand and (b) accept the difference between a secondary or surface
problem, and underlying primary problems (unmet needs) (T F ?)
I can
describe each of the five common
and the
seven communication
to an average
teenager now (T F ?)
I've
(a) studied all the articles in "First
Things First," and (b) discussed each of them with my other co-parents
and/or professional consultant/s or (c) I plan to do these in
the next several weeks (T F ?)
I can name
at least five factors that make problems with step-teenagers
different than those with
younger or adult stepkids. (T F ?)
I (a) realize
that any relationship problem between a co-parent and stepchild (of any
age) is probably symptom of some mix of these
and (b) I have
some clear ideas about how to reduce each of them now; or
(c) I'm
motivated to find out how. (T F ?)
I feel
some of our co-parents and kids have a significant "step-teen" problem now
(vs. a personal, co-parental, or re/marital problem). (T F ?)
I feel I
understand (vs. agree with) the main points if this article now (T F
?)
From reading
this article, I've gained some new (a) awarenesses, (b) options, and
(c)
directions relative to our "stepteen problem;" and (d) I want to discuss and
try them with our other co-parent/s in the next several weeks (T F
?)
Compared
to when I started reading, I feel _ clearer and more optimistic _ more
confused and discouraged _ about the same, or _ something else.
What did you just learn? Did you get what you needed from reading this
article? If not - what do you need? Who's
that - your wise resident true Self, or 'someone else'?
Recap
Co-parenting average teen-agers - even in
biofamilies -
can be a major ongoing challenge, for many
reasons.
Nurturing typical stepfamily
teens well can be specially confusing, frus-trating, and stressful for
everyone because of alien
myths,
adjustment- needs,
merger-tasks,
co-parental-teamwork
and concurrent
surface and primary problems.
This
two-page article builds on a base of basic
stepfamily and
co-parenting ideas.
Page 1 offers a real
"stepteen-problem" example, and then brief perspective on (a) the co-parents
of stepteens, (b) average stepteens, and (c) solving relationship problems. This
page (d) summarizes typical surface "stepteen problems," and then
(e) describes
nine common primary problems and key options for reducing them.
Other resources:
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